My Abusive Marriage Blog
-
I Blamed Myself for My Rotten Marriage
Early on, I blamed myself for all that was wrong. “I’m always proving my love to him, but I fail in his eyes. Always. I can’t do anything well enough.”
-
Pregnant & Worried About Money
I’m very concerned about investing the little money we have into bonds or CD’s or something. Will is holding out to buy CD’s, but we need $1000 just to start one of those! Why not invest in SOME way while we can? Oh well. I guess I should let him handle that for now. If…
-
Moody Depressed Alone
I’ve been so depressed & moody lately – I’ve been terrible. I either am so deeply in love that I can’t see, or else he is irritating the shit out of me.
-
Skipping Work – Fatigue, Inability to Concentrate and Irritability
Skipping work by abused women (& men) costs corps. & the govt. millions of dollars annually, plus financial & emotional cost to the victims. But with symptoms stemming from verbal and emotional abuse, the only solution is to end the abuse.
-
Try to Be Nice
Note from 2012: We lived apart for two months in 1994. It was no honeymoon period, that’s for sure. I believe Will abused me during this period to confuse me and keep me on my toes. I mean, if our relationship was in turmoil, I wouldn’t have time to think about myself. I couldn’t detach…
-
Detaching from an Alcoholic
Al-Anon is helping me to detach from Will’s drinking, but I’m not liking it too much. I feel responsible for making him well and happy so he can be NICE.
-
Hate-Hate Relationship
I tried to learn how to NOT respond to Will’s verbal abuse and nasty behavior, but sitting there and taking it was a response. He liked it, I think.
-
It Will Be Better When… Oh. My Bad. No, It Won’t.
One sign of abuse is if you keep thinking “It Will Be Better When….” (when we have a baby, the kids go to school, we move, the kids go to college, etc.)
-
I’m Always Saying Something Stupid
I’d say I was lonely or tired or sad and he would get angry and tell me “You have it so fucking good! You don’t have a damn thing to complain about!”
-
We Had a Bad Day
First a Note Note from 2012: One of my greatest fears is that my behavior negatively affects my boys. Looking back on this journal entry makes that fear real. I know they’ve felt pain due to my yelling. I don’t always separate my frustrations with my relationship and myself from my frustrations with my children.…
-
Walkin’ On Sunshine
The honeymoon periods found me full of life and energy, yet dreading the possibility that the honeymoon would end. Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose.
-
We Forgot to Scream
As I flipped through old journals to create Verbal Abuse Journals, I found a forgotten memory – an instance of physical abuse. How do you forget that?
-
Goals For Me Implanted Through Brainwashing
By 1998, I didn’t even know what I wanted for me anymore. His goals for me became my goals for myself, inserted neat and clean in my mind with brainwashing.
-
Depression Relief, Delusions of Joy
Abuse came before Depression in my marriage, but when my Depression lifted (thanks Prozac) I entered another fantasy world.
-
Abuse Described In The Bible Proverbs 6:16-19
Proverbs 6:16-19: Looking inward to find the source of my pain I once again miss the forest for the trees. If I had once thought about my husband as I looked at the list of what God hates, maybe I could have realized he abused me sooner.
-
Mere Woman
He got SO MAD at me! He said that we didn’t have the fucking money for a tow truck and told me to go away. As I walked away with tears in my eyes, he yelled something about What the HELL do you think YOU could do anyway?!
-
Questions for God
And God, why do I feel alone in the world? Why is there such a distance between Will and me? Why doesn’t he want to hang out with his boys? Why am I the only one talking to our boys about you, but he’s the one who insists they be Catholic? Why do we have…
-
I Will Always Be Hopeful
I know God will change me and my actions, but how do I make all this junk okay for our boys in the meantime? [Answer: I could not. I wish I’d left then, in 1998.]
-
PTSD and Depression Keep Me Spiraling Downward
PTSD and depression developed during domestic abuse caused visions of my children dying or dead. Fear of life held me tight, but I didn’t understand why.
-
No More Children
Worthless. Poopy. Bad. Careful. Never mind. What is it to fear? In my head or in reality? No more babies. No more pregnancies. Good and Bad. Positive and Negative. Glad and Sad at some times mostly sad. Mad but no one to blame.
-
Do As I Say
Abusive husbands want us to be, think, and do everything like they do so they don’t have to worry about what we’re “up to” when we’re apart. They use anger, false love, and many other kinds of manipulation to control us.
-
I Feel Their Past Present Future
I remember spending time with Marc before Eddy came and wondering how I could ever love another child like I did my first. I thought there may be no more room. But that was a strange thing. Love doesn’t fit inside your heart – it makes your heart grow.
-
Unburied One Baby That Represented Four
She is dead, not them. Those babies died, not my boys. Those babies are in heaven, not my boys. What now? How crazy am I? I’m not crazy. I’m mourning.
-
Staying In Abusive Marriage
I prayed for our marriage & believed staying in abusive marriages like mine was somehow God’s plan. I thought I was powerful enough to change my husband.
-
You’re A Wife and Mom First
I cannot study when Will is here. He acts like a four-year-old, demanding my attention for, excuse me, stupid things. Watch this commercial, let me tell you a joke, where is the toilet paper, and on and on and on. Ridiculous. Eddie gives me more peace to do my work, so I’ll study during the…
-
Underlying Anger
I feel overwhelmed by anger more than guilt, but doesn’t guilt usually follow anger? Maybe…no, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m so angry.
-
Sexual Abuse is Sometimes the Nice Way to Say Rape
One more thing, I think Will DID know what he was doing. He was sweet right after, but said he didn’t want to feel this way again – what “way” was he talking about? He felt bad which meant he knew what he was doing.
-
No Choice In The Matter
Will decided to return to the Army. I had no choice. I can’t help but wonder if he chose this particular time to make this drastic move to disrupt my goal to complete my bachelor’s degree. Now, years in the future, if that was his plan, I know it worked. It wasn’t until I separated…
-
Opals and Roses for 10th Anniversary – Rape 2 Nights Before
Gotta love those honeymoon periods. Or maybe I gotta love how desperate my brain is to protect me from the truth. Will raped me to regain power over me so I would agree that returning to the military was a good idea.
-
Voices In My Head Can’t Agree on How I Should Behave
How do I be my own mother and father AND be a mom and dad for Marc and Eddie? There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day. I don’t even know what I need.
-
Conversation With Depression
This journal entry comes from a 6-month separation from Will as he re-trained for the Army. While selling our house in Texas, the boys and I moved to Indiana to stay with my grandmother. I was very sad most of the time we were there. I didn’t miss Will, and I didn’t know what was…
-
Causing Drama
Drama queen – causing drama because I’m bored? Because I’m unhappy? Because he says so?Making excitement for myself by creating conflict, living with it and then revealing it in my own time – when I can’t handle the stress alone anymore. Maybe I am a drama queen.
-
Not Depressed, Just Unhappy
He tells me that I’m “spoiled and don’t even know it.” No – he’s spoiled. Everything is on HIS terms. Everything I do is working around him. All I’ve got is a half-hearted promise that one day this marriage can be “all about me.” Even then, I have to live in his hermit house. So,…
-
Bat Shit Crazy is Better Than Abused
Will deployed to Iraq and I’m in our home in North Carolina with our boys. Will doesn’t call or write very often and it’s easy to pretend that I’m alone. I don’t particularly enjoy it when he does call because our conversations are all about the business of being married and the occasional sneak-attack to…
-
He Will Hurt Me, So I Stay? Makes No Sense. This is a Mind Fuck.
On the other hand, it is painful and hard for me to remember that he would, could and has hurt me physically – but it’s happened three times now. Nothing that will create a bruise where it will show. Something that he can deny to himself, to me, to anyone. Something that he ultimately blames…
-
What Is Real?
How do people know when they’re being authentic? How do people overcome fear? How can I be sure the verbal abuse is real? Why is it so hard to believe?
-
Gnawing Hurt-My Reality Counts For Something. Right?
My reality counts for something. Right? It was agony. Maybe it was agony because I was hurting ALONE. Just like now, I alone hurt for this marriage, for my husband, for my children, and for me. He doesn’t hurt because he doesn’t believe the problem is abuse. He thinks it is me.
-
Hurting the Boy And Blaming Me
Then Will hit Eddie’s arm hard & said, “BOY go get in your OWN damn bed!” Eddie got up in the dark, made his way to the door quietly crying & left.
-
Will I Get A Miracle?
Sam must start over as new & his wife gets to be there for him. She gets her miracle. Will I be able to watch my husband start over? Will I get to love him again?
-
Financial Power Transfer. Abuse at Its Best.
Ever so often my abusive husband throws a hissy fit and takes over paying the bills. I don’t care WHO pays the bills, but it is always always a big fight.
-
I Respect Him Less
It made me wonder why Marc would react so respectfully when his dad used harsh language, but so “teenager-ish” and disrespectfully when I did it the other night. Specifically, when I “commanded” his respect during our argument. It bugged me. A lot.
-
Santa is a Bastard – Hateful Things & Hidden Memories
Well, you could say that Santa just gave me a pack of big ol’ granny panties, definitely unwanted but oh so useful. I went up into the attic to grab another journal. In it is a page torn from a notebook, on which I wrote,
-
Mountains From Molehills
When my husband tells me I am making mountains out of molehills, it means HE is the one doing it. HE is the one insisting on picking things apart. UGH!
-
Rape Secret
I have spent YEARS wondering why I was suddenly so, um, “willing” to have sex after going through such a traumatic “first time” experience. Why couldn’t some counselor just say, “You know, Kellie, you may be having sex and making yourself so miserable in an attempt to make your rape seem less important.”
-
Mr. Nice Guy
One of the hardest parts of living in this abusive situation is knowing that “Mr. Nice Guy” will be replaced by “the other one” – the guy that is angry, loud, mean, insulting, and abusive. I’ve learned that by switching back and forth at will, my abuser successfully keeps me in a state of alert.…
-
No Food
“I didn’t eat all day.” He said. “Why not?” I asked him. “Because no one told me there was any food ready.”
-
Couples’ Counseling Does Not Help Abusive Relationships
I want him to take responsibility for our problems as he expects me to do & expects as much of himself as he expects of me. I want equality in our marriage. However, I tend to agree with Kera who commented, “His response to your marriage counseling hardly seemed like he’s going to become a…
-
Top 8 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Marriage
Journaling one day, I conversed with Big Me, the part of me that connects directly to God and can see the big picture. Here’s what came of it. I wrote: I wonder how long I’ll be able to go on with abuse at the forefront of my mind. At some point, it will truly exhaust…
-
On Hold For Military Investigation
Right now, we’re in the middle of a military investigation about domestic violence. It couldn’t have come at a worse time, but is the result of the report I made back in December 2008. Why did it take so long for the report to make it to the Army? I may have an answer for…
-
Abuse Is a Web
Making verbalabusejournals.com is a healing process for me. Writing the pages, updating my entries (both past and present), sharing resources that have helped me…all of it serves to remind me that even now I struggle in the web of abuse. I sometimes feel like a butterfly re-cocooned in spidery fibers waiting to be the main…
-
I Just Don’t Trust Him
Maybe I’m being too cynical. Maybe he really does want to improve our communication; maybe he really does want to fix “our” problem. Maybe I really should just “get over” my trust issues and let him back into my heart and mind.
-
Change Through Resistance Feels Like a Fight
Maybe it hurts because it’s supposed to hurt. He meant to hurt me. “Goodbye and good luck.” I think he meant to threaten me, too. The “good luck” part was not lovingly said, you know. On a high note, this could be the first time he’s ever wished me good luck in anything.
-
Thinking About It
The idea to make a website documenting the verbal abuse and my reactions/thoughts relating to it came to me around the time I realized it was happening – about October or November of last year (2008). I never hid the fact that I was making a website about verbal abuse from my husband. In fact,…
-
Anonymity Compromised
My husband found my website and blog. I figured he already had found them, but I suppose he just wasn’t interested or didn’t make the connection between what he saw me doing at home and what was going online…or whatever. At first he was angry, but now he isn’t. At least, that’s what he says,…
-
Just Like I Thought: I am a woman who…
My mother asked me to complete this sentence: “I am a woman who…”. And I am having a horrible time with it. I realize the exercise is to help me define myself, and I am fearful of doing that. What if I’m no one? Or worse, what if I’m no one special?
-
Entitled Men – Why Might Some Men Abuse the Ones They Love?
Entitled men are those who believe they deserve respect from others because they’re male. Entitled men have no excuse to be abusive, but this could be a reason why they choose to control women, children and even other men. Explore why society may form some men into entitled, abusive spouses.
-
Angel-Speak Decoded
IF the souls of my unborn children were passed on to me BECAUSE they needed to “pass through” some sort of physical existence before going on to do better things, then I truly am blessed. And now I’m crying. It hurts so badly. Knowing I’ll know my children “later” is a sorry substitute for the…
-
Crazy-Making In Short
Crazy-making is your abuser’s ability to throw you off balance and keep you teetering. Abusers accomplish this by saying one thing and then swearing they said the opposite or didn’t say it at all, by talking the talk but not walking the walk, by claiming that you are crazy and unbalanced, etc. If you’re a…
-
Letting Go of Teen’s Choices After He’s Lived with Domestic Violence
However, I am entirely certain that letting go is the right thing to do. I must allow Marc to make his own choices and then face the consequences of those choices.
-
Re-Feeling
I think this recurrence of anxiety is what you call posttraumatic stress. It sucks. I almost took two of the Effexor I’m weaning myself from just to keep my heart from racing.
-
Drive
Drive. I’ve been single-minded for the past week, and I met a goal I had set for myself. I am so proud of myself! I have thought for the longest time that I “needed” an external motivation or a deadline to complete a project. In fact, I’ve spent lots and lots of time dying for…
-
Selfish
I am not willing to blame what I don’t like about myself on any abusive relationships I have tolerated during my lifetime. My marriage has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive; although that fact is saddening, it is not a “reason” to continue cultivating the bad habits and faults I’ve developed in response to it.…
-
Sex and Emotional Abuse
Today the following entry amazes me. I wrote the truth. I drew the truth. My unconscious mind knew he abused me and I knew I walked a dark path. But I went down it anyway. I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse. I wish someone had told me when I was young. From 1992 Journal Entry: “Maybe…
-
For Myself First
I was listening to Rush the other day, and he said that it is self-interest that makes our country so great. In other words, because we have the freedom to look out for ourselves, because our destiny is in our own hands, then each of us can rise to the occasion and provide for ourselves…
-
Separate Selfishness and Self-Interest
I think I stumbled across the difference between true selfishness and protecting my self-interests. If I am acting selfishly, I will do what makes me happy and take no responsibility for the outcome of my choice. If I am acting out of self-interest, I am willing to take responsibility for my choice. Self-interest does not…
-
Or Not.
“You are a good person. I wish you would stop analyzing every thought you have – it has GOT to be emotionally draining. You already know what is right and what is wrong. You shouldn’t have to think about it every step of the way…Stop analyzing the decisions that revolve around the basic nature of…
-
You Need Help — It’s Not My Problem That You Hate Men
My abuser tells me ‘You need help!’ but refuses to seek help for our marriage. As usual, it’s all my fault. But now I know better.
-
Grateful
You are the only one of my family members unlucky enough to see first-hand how my husband treats me because he does the same thing to you; you are the only other person he has ever revealed his “other side” to without shame or remorse. I hate that for you.
-
I Am Hoping: This Is Not A Valid Strategy to End Abuse
Hope can be a wonderful feeling leading to positive actions and thoughts, miracles, and even the motivation we need to propel ourselves forward. But in this abusive situation, hope is anxiety-ridden. It’s become exactly the opposite of what hope is meant to be.
-
Gaslighting Abuse Means War for My Heart & Mind
Perhaps I am so important to him that he feels we should be as one mind. Unfortunately, this thought seems to translate into we should be of his mind and “my mind should disappear and stop causing so many problems.
-
It's too hard
My thoughts hurt. My heart aches. My body is tired. I’m breaking into tears on the outside, but breaking into pieces on the inside. This is too hard. I want to give up even caring if I’m in an unhealthy relationship or not. But I won’t because once you’ve seen the truth, there’s no going…
-
My Problem
I’m an INFJ. I’m thinking that the reason I seem so confusing to myself is because I’m unlike so many other “categories” of the population that I’ve read about. Many of the books I’m reading right now read like the author can “peg” me under a lable that will magically clear my thinking and get…
-
I See the Best in You
And I remember that he paused, maybe only for half a second, but as if he realized how crazy this argument was. As if, in that half second, he came face to face with the realization that he was behaving erratically and irrationally.
-
Fun Break
In the spirit of the “good mood” I currently find myself in, I’d like to share a fun, informative site on which you can get a short and lovable handwriting analysis. And a pen recommendation. [Editor’s note: The link to tul.com no longer works. The site is not available.]
-
at least
i am no longer a mess but i may be becoming a new kind of crazy. hazy. unpredictable. but no longer unfortunate. no longer in ruins. edging out of the confusion i dare look to a horizon i didn’t notice before. like the old horizon, there is nothing discernible there. nothing special. unlike the old…
-
Can't We Talk?
I don’t want him out of my reality, but if co-existing in a mutual reality means that I have to hide myself and rely on hoping that he’ll be nice to me, then any mutual reality between myself and my husband is going to end.
-
Resisting Persuasion
WHAT? I asked myself why “resisting persuasion” and “verbal abuse tactics” were one and the same. The only logical explanation that I can currently come up with is that he uses these tactics because he feels that I am trying to persuade HIM into thinking or doing something that he doesn’t want to do.
-
Wish in One Hand…What Goes in the Other?
I must stop wishing him to “feel the way I feel” because in order for him to feel like me, I have to act like him. I don’t care if he feels like me or not. I feel like me, and that is becoming enough.
-
Accepting Kittens for Who They Are Is Easy (Not So Much for Husbands)
One major difference between kittens and husbands is that I don’t expect kittens to change for me. I don’t seem to need evidence that a kitten “loves me.” Why do I expect my husband to prove he loves me by changing? Why do I need anyone to prove their love to me, for that matter?
-
Some Things Differ
Hmph. I guess I am the one who must stop living my life the way I want to live it. He’s the more important one. His opinion is the one that counts. The sooner I get that through my thick head, the happier he will let me be.
-
Work to Undo
I’ve got two boys that are going to be their own men in a few short years. I have a lot of work to undo. And hey – if you have a second, send a prayer or some positive thoughts to whomever or wherever you send them, for me and my family, please. I am…
-
Tornapart
I have no warning, I huddle in the dark as the tornado howls and screams, praying that the storm will silence itself. It seems unending. And when it leaves and the sun returns, I look at the faces of my children. The ones I huddled with in the blackness, pressing myself between them and the…
-
Expectations
Like many of our “good” conversations, my husband and I talked for over three hours last night. I went to bed at 3:30am, tired of course, but also daring to hope that MAYBE we opened discussion on a basic problem in our marriage. Expectations cause us a LOT of damage – a lot of hurt…
-
Stop Saying ‘It Makes Me Sick’
My sister tells me to stop saying “It makes me sick” because she’s afraid “it” (the abuse) really will make me sick. Once upon a time, “It makes me sick” was a kind of heart-sickness, an expression. Now I really am sick. The first time I realized that I really felt physically sick because of…
-
Abuse Makes Me Wanna Be a Banshee
I read that victims of abuse are not abused because of who we are. We’re abused because of who we are NOT. I am NOT whatever person my husband wants me to be or thinks I should be. And because I am not (an can NEVER BE) a person who my husband has imagined, the…
-
Between You and Me, I’m No Expert On Abuse
I am writing this blog BECAUSE I don’t know how to successfully “cope” with abuse. Not a clue. Everything I’ve tried to do, say or become has either increased the abuse or merely postponed it to another time, and that includes everything I did, said or became before I even knew it was abuse.
-
Lies and Verbal Abuse
I checked my page on types of verbal abuse and realized that Patricia Evans did not list “LYING” as a type of verbal abuse. For a second, I thought I had discovered a glaring omission in my heroine’s thinking. But it only lasted a second. I realized that lying is not a form of verbal…
-
The Universe Makes It Hard Sometimes
What if this is my smack on the back of the head from the universe? What if I’m being forced in a different direction? What if there’s a different and more reliable way to fund my emergency account? What if what I’m doing is valuable enough to warrant some other type of income plan? A…
-
I’m Home
I realized that the security I once felt there was imagined. The men I knew there were only parts of their whole. I never realized the things that went on when I wasn’t looking. My protectors were liars and frauds. Is it possible to remember the men I once knew now that I know I…
-
I KNEW He Cheated! I Just Don’t Care Anymore
I think I’m twisted, but for once, I don’t care. If twisted thinking gets me off my ass and away from convenience food, then I’ll use it for all its worth.
-
Dysfunctional Motivation
For now, I’m going to give myself a break. Yes, I know that the motivation is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I’ve laid out reasons why I should NOT entertain the idea, and yet I haven’t talked myself out of embracing it.
-
You make me so MAD!!
I know that pausing to take control of my thoughts after he has said or done something “unbelievable,” “horrible,” or “unforgivable” may be extremely difficult. I’ve conditioned myself to skip over my own thoughts and run straight for the gold – the “gold” is my ability to react to him in a way that may…
-
Comment Spam
I was looking through the spam comments caught by akismet and NOT sent to me to approve. There are 32 of them collected in the past 10 days or so. Suddenly I thought about my husband’s comments to me. Most of them are spam, too. I’m hoping that I’ll learn to activate my brain’s spam…
-
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired = Out of Control
Al-Anon taught me that if I’m Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, then I am more likely to screw up my emotional well-being. Of course, I was focused on alcoholism at the time, but I think that HALT will apply to my attempts to deal with abuse, too.
-
Hunger Issues
Maybe seeing that I DO have control over things other than food is a feeling that I can trust. IF, in fact, I am regaining some control over myself and my life, then maybe I could afford to change a few tiny things to goose me into better nutrition.
-
Fake Name True Story
I was off in thought today, considering what my husband, who says he reads this blog, thinks of it. At first he was really pissed off about it and asked me not to use his name or pictures because of military confidentiality concerns. So I blurred his face and changed his name to Will. I thought “Will” was…
-
My Abusive Husband Wants His Wife, Not Me
Recently, my husband acknowledged that he’s seen this blog. He says he can read it if he pretends his wife doesn’t write it. He says that he wants to educate himself, that my blog and site “would be very educational” to people who also “think” they have an abuse problem. He has never addressed a specific post or even acknowledged…
-
I'm not the only one
“How do I stop my partner’s emotional bullying from affecting me?” Read the answers at experienceproject.com – I didn’t find one that suited me. But this is what I would tell anyone who asked me that question: “YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM !! NO MATTER HOW MUCH CRAP YOU TAKE FROM HIM WILL NOT MAKE…
-
Leaving Abuse and Codependency: Smart Piggy
The little kid in me wants to shout, “It’s not fair!” and run away fast and hard. I want to put all the blame on HIM. I want HIM to be the big bad wolf and leave me to be the little pig who had the foresight to build a brick house, light the fire,…
-
My Buttons Get Pushed – But I Control My Reactions
I’m reading a book1 in which the authors identify three common ways people think when confronted with button-pushing people and an alternative, healthier way to think. In a prior post, I wrote about some stinking thinking before I knew what it was: “Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for not seeing this coming. Maybe it’s me thinking that no matter what I…
-
Waiting for a Hero
I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop.
-
I’m Staying
I made a monumental decision: I’m staying in my marriage.
-
Why I’m Staying In My Abusive Marriage
I will be doing a lot of work in the realm of codependency, as well as finding solutions to dealing with my husband’s abusive techniques. It takes two participants to play this sick game we’ve got going on in my home. What will happen when I simply stop playing?
-
What I Want
I write a lot about what I DON’T want. It’s probably more valuable to think about what I DO want. So, here goes: I want a loving, healthy family. I want to live in a home that I love. I want to create a happy balance between my time alone AND time to be with my…
-
Happiness Makes Me Trust Him Too Much
It’s late, and I promised myself a more normal schedule, so I’m headed to bed. BUT I also promised myself I’d post daily, so I’m racking my brain for something worthwhile to write. Worthwhile to whom? you may ask. Well, since “you” may or may not be here at all, I guess I’m looking for…
-
My 101st Post!
I would have celebrated my 100th post if I had realized that the last post was the 100th! Instead I’ll celebrate it now. I realized that my 100th post is an important one to me. I was able to share MY foundation and support system with another woman and with the readers of my blog,…
-
6-years-old and growing
One part of my plan to end the abuse is in dismanteling his public persona. No, I’m not going to go around town diminishing him as a man or husband. I’m not going to bad-mouth him to friends. I’m not going to be mean and nasty to combat his anger.
-
Practice Being Me
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein said that “Behavioral patterns run deeper than love.” I understand completely what she means. Sometimes, during the heat of an argument with Will, the dialog running through my head was completely different from the words coming out of my mouth. Probably worse was that the rational and calm part of my…
-
The Good Stuff
“Releasing and healing parental and spousal emotional abuse and sexual abuse will do more for improving your diet and life than just about anything else.” ~from How To Naturally Beat Metabolic Syndrome I believe that statement is true (although I’m not spending money on the diet the site promotes!). As I unwrap layers and years of…
-
Secrets
One hard lesson I want to learn and accept is that I must pursue things that are meaningful to me so I feel good when I accomplish something. Even if no one but me finds my pursuits meaningful, and even if no one ever praises me or gives me a cookie for pursuing them. The…
-
Crisis Obsession Is Codependency
I haven’t done what I want to do because I chose to obsess over crises. One after another until I defined who I was by the crisis I lived.
-
Hope is Worry Backwards
Hope is wonderful when it comes to hoping it won’t rain. But if you’re hoping it won’t rain, aren’t you also worrying that it will? Hope is not good to base your life around. “I hope my life improves.” Good. That’s cool. I hope your life improves, too. I’m not going to do anything about…
-
How I Attempt to Control: Is This Codependency?
I divert my attention trying to “get it all done.” This results in frustration, yelling (at myself or someone else), and getting nothing done. I try to force the kids to put the same amount of importance on things that I do. Chores, homework, etc. … my priorities. Everything is my priority. I’m inflexible, seeking…
-
Wasting Life on Abuse: No Call, No Worry
It’s always harder for me to stay quiet. I want to let him know exactly how I feel to punish him. But where did I get the idea that sharing my thoughts and feelings was punishment for my husband?
-
Red Light Behavior
The very first time I met my therapist, she asked me to do an activity categorizing what behaviors were acceptable to me. “Red Light” behaviors are the worst most-intolerable and “Green Light” behaviors are tolerable. “Yellow Light” behaviors are, of course, cautionary ones. All of the behaviors relate to what someone else is doing, not…
-
Yellow Isn't For Cowards
Red Light Behaviors (<– previous post) This stinks. I’m sitting here bemoaning the fact that I have to think about the danger signs relating to my husband’s behavior (or anyone ‘s behavior, I guess). It’s scary because I’ve been through it before – I’m not imagining, I’m “re-magining” or living through it again in my mind.…
-
Fear
Fear is a powerful force; it holds us tightly making it too hard to breathe, to feel, or to see a brighter future. Keep in mind that your fear, although probably wisely created out of necessity, is YOURS. You choose when to let it go. My first step in letting go of my fear was…
-
Randomly K's Story
Thankfully, I have found Randomly K’s Journal Entry! It’s posted on the site along with Amber’s and Mike’s. Thank you so much for sharing your story, RK. “It” happens just as you describe it. So often I’ve done something against my better judgment because I thought it would make him happy. What a joke. He…
-
Gems
Although I have skirted the outposts of my personality, my nature, previously, I am now going into me full force. I am reaching in deep and pulling out the treasures. I am finding the jewels inside of myself. I’m so excited about the gems I’m unearthing that I can’t quite understand why YOU don’t want to…
-
Better than "It hurts my feelings when you…"
A comment on the previous post helped me to realize that I’ve got to come up with a strategy for dealing with my husband that doesn’t include telling him that he’s hurt me. He doesn’t care. Or rather, he’s glad that I’m hurt because that means he has the upper hand. I’m ripe for travelling down…
-
Abusers React to Boundaries Poorly
Abusers Will Feel a Certain Way How do abusive people typically react to you enforcing your boundaries? It is likely to make them angry. Why? In essence, your boundary cuts them off from the core of you, and abusive people do not like that at all. Their control over you relies on you being open…
-
Portrait of My Abuser: The Devil Only I See
You will never see my abuser as I do. He would not dare act these ways in front of you. If he did, then you would know I am NOT the crazy one. Game over.
-
The Beast Under My Bed: What If My Husband is Right?
He makes the money. He schmoozes for the promotions, he works his ass off goddammit so he can come home and work like a slave around here, too. I’m always breaking stuff, always buying more than we need, always wasting the good life he’s providing for me by crying, fearing, cringing, and hugging the walls…
-
The Gift of Being Right
“Why did I marry him?” implies that my fear of worthlessness was in place before I knew him. Maybe I married him because he validated my fear; maybe he truly was the hero I was looking for. In essence, he told me that I WAS RIGHT.
-
The Abuse Is Incessant, Hurtful and Real
I wish I had stopped this long ago, but I didn’t. And now that I am trying to stop it, I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I wish that saving my soul and saving my marriage was not a process – a long process.
-
Perception Deception
I was talking to a friend today who told me she had read the blog and could completely relate – almost like I was writing about her experience instead of my own. Many of you who read this blog tell me the same thing. In fact, my business card says, “Read my journals…you’ll think I…
-
Seconds Away
Sometimes I feel like I live in a haunted house – dark, dreary, ghosts hovering, and memories creaking in my mind. And then a window flies open, the breeze blows the heavy curtains aside and I can see what has always been there but lurked forgotten in the overpowering shadow. This time when the curtain blew aside,…
-
The Veil is Thin
Halloween! The veil between this and “the other” world is as thin as it gets tonight. My dad, Pap, died in 2003 at the age of 54 from an abdominal anyeurism that moved and exploded his heart. It was sudden and shaking; according to reports, he was surprised himself as he died on the gurney…
-
Who Spoke The Pillow Talk? Remembering Abuse
Were we really that sweet to one another? Did he really treat me well sometimes? Even if he did, he doesn’t now. The sweet memories are gone.
-
Beauty
I was just on facebook reaching out to people I don’t know asking them to be my friends. Kind of nervy, but seeing that yesterday I revealed my facebook identity to some of my current friends, it seemed to be the next step. (I’m not telling Will’s family or “his” friends anything.) I suppose I’m…
-
Homecoming
I just found some song lyrics that help me express my feelings as I head into Will’s homecoming. They’re written by 5 Finger Death Punch and are from the song “Never Enough“. …” I’d rather you hate me For everything I am Than have you love me For something that I can’t [be?] “… I…
-
Panic Machine
I’m trying so hard not to panic, not to allow my strings to get caught up in the machine swirling in my gut. The panic machine is in fully operational today. It’s whirring and purring to me: He’s going to get mad about the money. He’s going to be upset that you don’t cook all…
-
How to Stop Panicking Over What May Happen
Is it possible for me to stop panicking over what may happen? I’m panicking now. My internal panic machine wants to take over. It is hard to slow down or think. The source of the panic is my fear of what may happen when Will comes home. All good panics have, at their root, an unknowable, unanswerable question. Hence, the…
-
What's Next?
Fortunately, I moved beyond the what-ifs and the panic, but now I want to answer the question, as best I can, of “What’s Next?”
-
Turning Inward: Trying to Fix What Isn’t Broken
“While I know well the wish to somehow make things work, obsessively turning inward, demanding of our selves a new or better way to end the abuse, in actuality we are ‘allying with the abuser’ and abusing ourselves. This unholy alliance is what keeps the abuse going — his infiltration of our thoughts and feelings,…
-
Setting Boundaries
A boundary is a blueprint of a plan for you to follow. It is not an order given to someone else. No one, not soldiers, not cops, not abusers, not even victims of abuse, must follow orders that go against their morality and the core of who we are.
-
Angst
I could lose the day to regret, or I could use the experience as a learning tool. I’m not a monster.
-
Should-ing on Myself Diminishes My Peace
Instead of habitually berating myself and buying make-up presents for the boys, I decided to objectively and constructively analyze yesterday’s temper tantrum.
-
Distraction as a Method to Get Out of Trouble
Don’t ask “Did you do this?” if you already know the answer. Doing so allows for confusion and distraction which is a form of verbal abuse.
-
Abusive Nonsense
“He’s acting like his FATHER!” – Now if those words cross my mind, I will think, “This abusive nonsense is what I’m fighting, not my son.”
-
My Temper Tantrum and How I’ll Handle Anger in the Future
I threw a temper tantrum I used abusive anger. I’m ashamed of myself, but instead of wallowing in that, I want to fix it. Here’s how I’m going to do that.
-
The Rolling Stones Are Co-Dependent
Actually, whoever wrote The Beast of Burden sounds co-dependent to me. Here’s my interpretation of this fabulous song. This guy says he’ll never be her “beast of burden”, meaning to me that he’s not going to carry her load for her – he’s his own man with his own burdens. All he wants is for…
-
My Boundaries Keep Others Out and Me In
I’ve been rather silent the past few days because of two things. One, another conversation with my husband in which I “lost it”. Two, my older son completely blew my mind with something he did. Not a good thing. Usually I would have immediately vomited these things onto this blog for all the world to…
-
Growing Up Co-Dependent
They could love me when they were happy, so it was my job to make them happy. I dare say, that is not any child’s job. It’s not anyone’s job. As a side-effect, I was happy when they were happy, and it was a tragedy when they were not happy. I grew up in the…
-
Refresher
It’s a good idea to know what the enemy is. Verbal abuse, by nature, attempts to make us forget what we’re fighting. Here are some web pages that I like when I need to remember and acknowledge the truth: Narcissistic Abuse/Verbal Abuse How can I identify and respond to verbal abuse? Signs of Verbal Abuse…
-
Today is the Day!
Yes, Will returns home today. I hope to find him changed for the better. I am different, but I am not certain he will see it that way. Yesterday I pulled out the Tarot cards, asking for guidance. A spiritual “heads-up!”, if you will. I look at that Tarot as a tool to help me…
-
Arguing Over Nothing
First argument, but I called a break. He was as unhappy about the argument as I was, I think. I’m writing to try to decipher when it started going south and why. I was first feeling frustrated when he was talking about his Priorities 1,2 and 3. Priority 1: our oldest son; Priority 2: me…
-
Nope, Not It At All
I wrote “He felt (?) that I was attacking his method, his way of thinking, his way of organizing data…” Nope. He told me I was wrong about that. Evidently I was and am wrong about much more than that. Including the fact that I filled in a police report BEFORE telling him I was…
-
Treating Him Like a Science Project–Or a Lab Rat
Okay, I remember the advice. Science project (Observing But Not Participating In My Abuse). Calming down, not to go after it again though. I’m going to wait. And in the meantime, I’m going to write. Maybe I’ll do a search for scientific method worksheets. 😉 Actually, in addition to finding a worksheet and perhaps some…
-
Calm
No more arguing today, and it’s 7:30 pm. We did talk more today since my last post, so the “no more arguing” bit is significant. We talked about how he is concerned about my abuse accusations. He said, “I don’t know what verbal abuse is, and I don’t know when I’m doing it. Judging from…
-
Diverting My Attention: If I Think It’s ME I Won’t See It’s YOU
Diverting my attention from what he was doing by exploiting my vulnerabilities was par for the course. He expertly distracted me from emotional abuse, turning my suspicions that he was hurting me to the idea that I only hurt myself.
-
Yesterday
I didn’t write yesterday because it was so crappy. I still don’t want to write because this morning already started off on a bad note. Or bang, perhaps. 7:30 AM, Sunday morning, I hear banging on the walls. I ignore it, falling back to sleep only to wake up again in 5 minutes. I’m thinking…
-
It’s Ba-ack: Anxiety and Verbal Abuse
Anxiety disorders are common side-effects of domestic abuse. If you feel like me, you could be developing anxiety yourself. Read this.
-
Red Flags
So, last December, there was a domestic violence incident at my home. The Army got wind of it in February (early March?) after Will had deployed. So now that he’s back, he’s required to do some sort of counseling. The Army social services (not state social services) interviewed me at that time. The man I…
-
Nothing Wrong With Me
Last night, Will blew up about my callousness in choosing my and the boys’ mental health and welfare over his career. He got ugly, but I stood up and said, “That’s it. I’m done with this conversation,” and remarkably, he pretty much quit (maybe because the boys were in the room). For whatever reason, he…
-
Mispoken
The first conversation about “us” we had involved him telling me that he had three priorities. One, getting Marc straightened out. Two, getting our marriage straightened out. Three, his career. He is a list maker. I expressed concern that by keeping items one and two separate in his mind, he may feel frustration. I also said that by…
-
Distraction & Manipulation
My husband accused our son of drinking Jack Daniels, but wanted to do nothing about it. I sense an ulterior motive to distract me from his abuse of me.
-
Pressure Cooker
Yesterday afternoon, when talking to the Army social worker, I broke down, completely. I was beside myself, literally, at hearing some news she delivered. When she asked me if I felt in danger, I told her, “Yes, I think I do.” I was surprised I said it, but more surprised that I do, indeed, feel…
-
XXOO
I went to the group meeting yesterday and met several women. Some still in their abusive relationships and some have left; some were in my age range and some were very young women. Some were soldiers, some were civilians. The uniting factor was our experience, and our experiences were both “the same” and horrifyingly different.…
-
Loveseat
There have been no more fights between Will and I. We aren’t fighting. We have had a couple of discussions that were intense, yet they did not turn into fights. That is a good thing, and I’m grateful for it. That doesn’t mean there isn’t tension. There was one night where Will slept with me and…
-
Cryptogram
Okay, let’s do something a little different. I’m not going to tell you what this conversation was about. Instead, I’m going to share what I wrote down, what I heard him say verbatim, and let you fill in the blanks. Gullible Sucker Don’t take it personal Don’t get this twisted Unbelievable That’s (how he talks…
-
You’re a Housewife. Be Grateful Dammit. And Smile.
To my husband, I am a housewife. He said so. He rejected any other role because none of them bring home any money. And after rejecting me wholly (since housewife is only a fraction of who I am), he continued to tell me what makes housewives happy.
-
Fragments
I cannot afford to assume that the goodness will continue. When I go to cook dinner, I can take a minute to relish in the previous moment, think that something good may have happened, BUT if I assume the next time I see Will’s face that he will be glad to see me, smiling at…
-
Counseling
quietone said, “But in some ways trying to force him to be committal about counseling is asking him to correct everything before he even goes in for his first session. It’s also asking him to acknowledge that his is wrong. He won’t acknowledge that right now but if the counselor is any good he might…
-
Anger Management
I’m finding myself in need of anger management skills. Last night, while watching a documentary about the Army Rangers, my husband became horribly upset at the fact there was a woman psychologist present at the 2-week initial Ranger training program. I don’t know if it was because she was a woman or because she was…
-
Marriage Counseling Does Not Help Abusive Relationships
I want him to take responsibility for our problems as he expects me to do & expects as much of himself as he expects of me. I want equality in our marriage. However, I tend to agree with Kera who commented, “His response to your marriage counseling hardly seemed like he’s going to become a…
-
Therapy With Abuser Is A Waste of My Time And His
The therapist and Will agreed that women do not keep to the subject. Although that may be true some of the time (I am not above embracing a negative stereotype if it helps, which it rarely does), I am not the only person in my house who suffers from that particular compulsion.
-
Looking for the Enemy In Abusive Marriage Seems Unhelpful
I am not saying that what I habitually do or say EXCUSES any abuse, nor am I saying that what I do or say CONTROLS Will’s actions or reactions. I’m saying that the things I do and say (out of habit) ENABLES the abusive cycle or abusive dynamic to continue.
-
Subconscious Habits
Elements of this stinking thinking are evident before marrying Will, but I somehow overcame them (at least partially if not entirely). Or maybe my parents didn’t direct me in any certain way so what I did to try to please them aligned more directly with what I wanted for myself. Will “directed” me. He, unlike…
-
Getting Rid of Negative Thinking with Thor’s Hammer
To retrain my thinking, I’m going to start with ideas I already identify as problematic. But how do you attack a negative thought effectively? Um, who is this causing an uproar? Erin says: “(I am in the back of the class, extending my arm as far upward as it can go, waving it like a…
-
Hurtful Words Tell You Who You Are Not
You Define Who You Are My Mamaw (great-grandmother) said “Give ’em to me” via a psychic last summer. Mamaw was talking about the hurtful words I have absorbed and any hurtful words I may hear in the future. She said those words didn’t mean anything – they weren’t true, and the only person hanging on…
-
When Is It Okay for Me to Be Angry?
So when is it okay for me to be angry? How do I get rid of it, find a solution for it, or at least just FEEL it, righteous or not, and move on?
-
Hellfire
“…Jesus had been known to become angry when something was wrong. ” ~ (part of) Kathy’s comment to When is it okay for me to be angry? Yep. Jesus threw a down and out hissy fit in the temple. I have always found that story comforting. It goes to show that ANGER isn’t something to…
-
I'm angry because
“What is going on inside your mind to trigger the emotion of anger? I know you have this answer.” ~Erin on When is it okay for me to be angry? I am angry because I am not getting what I want. But more than that, I’m getting the same old shit in new packaging. I’m…
-
Walking the Tightrope Between Everything and Nothing
He often says that he’s put me on a pedestal, expecting more from me than anyone else. In reality, he’s put me on a tightrope, expecting me to be exactly what he thinks he “should” be so that he doesn’t have to walk the tightrope.
-
Even If
I’m probably going to live with a man who despises me and wants me to apologize for making a police report against him and then grovel at his feet and swear that I’ll never do it again, no matter what he does, because his career cannot handle another bullshit drama queen antic like the one…
-
To Will's Family
I’ve recently made a mistake. In my haste to notify Will’s family that he was NOT involved in a tragedy while on deployment, I sent the email from my “work” account which has the address to this website in the signature line. For this, I sincerely apologize. It was never my intention to draw in…
-
My Abuser Ridicules Therapy (No Surprise There)
So yesterday, Will and I argued. No surprise, so I won’t go into the whole thing, just the part about therapy for Marc (son) and for marriage counseling. Will disagrees with anyone going to therapy of any kind. He says that people who go to therapy are weak (at best), and that therapy is a…
-
Kim Cooper’s List – Possible Responses to Verbal Abuse
-
The Threat of Violence: When Is It Time to Leave?
Abuse victims get so accustomed to the threat of violence that we stay in situations that can easily become violent–even though we don’t think they will.
-
Ex Parte: He’s Hurt Me for the Last Time
Has it been only one night? Last night, Will was intimidating and verbally harassing me when my anxiety levels went through the roof. Almost directly after writing, “Smack. Smack. Smack.” in reference to the belt he was snapping, I got up from this computer, went to my room, put on my boots, grabbed a pillow…
-
The Army and Domestic Violence and Abuse
For the love of Pete, please, Army spouses, understand that you CAN report domestic abuse in your home WITHOUT your soldier losing their career! Army policy may require counseling, classes, and interviews, but your report WILL NOT ruin their career. Hell, the Army may mark your report as “unsubstantiated” like they did my first one,…
-
Don’t Tell Me Not to Worry: You Don’t Know Him Like I Do
I doubt it. You don’t know him like I do, so please stop trying to make me pretend that I know him as YOU do. Please, don’t tell me not to worry.
-
Grateful That I Reached Out to All of You
For anyone out there who is in an abusive situation, it is time for you to reach out too. It is time to begin remembering that people love you, really love you. And if you can’t think of any, then it is time to find a domestic violence group, book club, a gym, an online…
-
Events of the Day (4 Days Free of Abusive Husband)
Four days after receiving an ex-parte and watching my abusive husband removed from the home, I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions, both sad and relieved.
-
The Four Sides to Every Slippery Truth
There are always 3 versions of truth when there is a truth to be told – your version, their version, and the exact record of events imprinted upon the universe. There’s a fourth version of the truth. Find out what they are.
-
Emergency Money for When You Leave
Speaking of things you can count on, count on your would-be controller to do everything in his/her power to leave you helpless and insecure. The more miserable you are, the more likely you are to return to the environment you left, and your abuser knows it. Even if you believe he doesn’t want you to…
-
Am I Happy He Is Gone? Things I Was Not Anxious About Today
But I noticed something weird. There is a lot of time to fill when there is no anxiety. Or at least, no anxiety dependent on another person’s actions. Here’s a list of some of the things I did not feel anxious about today:
-
Potty Talk with God
I had a little conversation with God when I was on the commode today. God didn’t mind and was glad to hear from me. I asked God to take my worries and promised to be on the lookout for signs to guide me. The guy side of God invited me to put my worries on…
-
I Can’t Make Him Be Nice, So I Can’t Make Him Angry
I feel anxious tonight. I woke up anxious this morning. I could be anxious about this weekend in general. The boys are spending Saturday night with their father. I am anxious about things I cannot control and never could control – although I thought I had the power to control them. You see, once upon a time,…
-
Domestic Violence Hits Home: I Left Twice
Leaving my abusive marriage happened by surprise, but not unexpectedly. I knew I would leave, but I didn’t have it planned for when it happened.
-
A Necessary Evil: Pain of Separating from Abuser
I saw Will today. He looks good. Softer. I caught him glance at me sidelong and I wondered what he was thinking. Will gave Marc a bag to put in the trunk of my car. It is going to stay there, unopened. Marc relayed that his dad didn’t have room for whatever is in the bag, and…
-
He’s an Asshole, But Not Abusive? Is It Possible?
My husband admits to being an asshole, but doesn’t see how he’s abusive? Can you be one or the other or are you both?
-
Codependency and My Darkness with an Apology at the End
I sent an email to his family revealing this blog. Accidentally. This post is now part of the book “My Abusive Marriage…and what happened when i left it.”
-
I Don’t Feel Like Going Along Anymore
Yesterday I visited the Women’s Center that acts as this area’s Small Business Association. The Center offers two programs that fit me. One caters to displaced homemakers and the other help people wanting to start their own businesses. Under the displaced homemaker program, The Women’s Center will pay so I can attend some classes offered at one of…
-
My Transition Title from Victim to Survivor
I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m feeling. And when I think about what I’m thinking I feel afraid. There’s no good title for that kind of confusion. There’s no good title for this time in my life. I’m not married but I’m not single. I don’t want to be married,…
-
Having Doubts About Getting a Divorce: It’s too Soon to Decide
But then there’s the big question: Am I on the path to divorce? Is there NO alternative? Am I going to get divorced in the same hasty manner I married? Did I throw out the brakes on this vehicle without realizing the road was headed downhill? I find myself wishing Will and I could talk.…
-
I’m Not A Victim, Don’t Feel Like A Survivor
Victim or survivor? There has to be a different word for what I have experienced and what is to come. I don’t feel like repeating the word “victim” to myself or portraying myself as such. I am a “survivor” of abuse; however, the word survivor brings to my mind those who have been seriously and…
-
Codependency Makes Me Want to Fix Things for Them
My therapist presented an alternative solution, one that actually makes sense and would have cut out all the drama. She said that Marc’s feelings of guilt were HIS to deal with. It sounded harsh to me at first…didn’t I CAUSE Marc’s bad feelings? Wasn’t I responsible for this whole mess anyway? Shouldn’t I do everything…
-
Rules for Our Abusive Relationships
RandomlyK (as she is known around here) posted a list of rules she must live by if she wants to keep the peace in her home. All of us have idiotic rules to follow when living in abuse because our abusers have idiotic thoughts. There is no pleasing some people. Perhaps we should start to…
-
Liar Liar – I Can’t Pretend I’m Not Angry
I only wanted you to be nice to me. Treat me and our children with respect and civility. You can be who you are and still learn to be nice. You could have even looked at it as if you were playing a game with me, fooling me, manipulating me to believe good things about…
-
Wasted Time Wasted Life
I postpone things important to me so I will be emotionally strong enough to tend to my abuser’s needs, moods, and other surprises he has in store for me.
-
Seek and Ye Shall Find
Will and I were unhappily married and I once mistakenly blamed him for every one of our missteps and evils. Although I thought I was trying to make him happy, I was really trying to make him happy so he could make me happy. When I failed, I wanted to run far and fast. I…
-
Why Murder-Suicide Happens in Abusive Relationships
Abusers kill their wives and then themselves because once she is dead and motionless on the floor, he realizes that the life spark was hers and hers alone. In killing her, he sought to absorb her; now that All is gone from her, he realizes he will never ever and had never ever been able…
-
Perspectives of Spirituality in Abuse
My dear friend started her own blog about spirituality and abuse. She’s off to a roaring start and I hope you’ll check out her thoughts at “My Perspectives of Spirituality in Abuse”. She’s a thinker and a feeler and an excellent communicator and writer. Enjoy!
-
Wrong
Book Excerpt I’ve been told that I don’t admit my faults, that I am verbally abusive, that I am physically abusive. These are ideas I’ve struggled with myself. … More than once. Will says that I’m not honest because I do not tell the other side of the story; I do not tell of how I’ve…
-
The Desire to ‘Fix and Please’ Is Codependency
Quietone said that she remembers me saying my desire to “fix and please” plays a factor in the abuse. She is right. If I took down this site, it would be to please Will; the more I think about it, the more I realize that removing my blog is another way to erase me. No…
-
I’d Rather Risk Losing Than Break His Heart
I’m not prepared to negotiate in private with my abusive ex for custody of our children. The judge will have to decide. This may have a bad end.
-
Healing from Domestic Abuse & Violence: Will I Survive This?
Will I survive this? That question headed the discussion at a yahoo group. I wanted to answer it with a positive note, but I couldn’t. I am wondering the same thing. The pain and agony, heart-wrenching gut-churning sadness that I am experiencing is worse than any I’ve felt before. It’s worse than when my grandfathers…
-
I Was Happy at Times but Couldn’t Notice It
I experienced these small instances of happiness, but then I quickly let them fade as I chose to tend to the pain, confusion, and sense of merely living through the day. Maybe now, because I know the pain is constantly ready to surface, I am more willing to let the good feelings wash over and…
-
Justice vs. Right
I signed a form today that says I would like for the state to dismiss the charge against Will of assault on a woman. I walked into the attorney’s office and told the receptionist that I was there to sign some kind of dismissal form for the domestic violence charge on my husband. A woman…
-
Threats After a Court Date: “I Will Hurt You, Crawfisher”
I listened to a bit of his drivel, but when he said, “This isn’t a threat, but -” I cut him off. You can pretty much bet that when someone tells you “This isn’t a threat” that it is going to be a threat.
-
What Was I Doing in the Missing Years?
And, honestly and more ominously, I want to prove him wrong. That is pointless, I know. He would diminish or counter everything I found relating to my timeline if I showed it as proof. “You could write anything and no one would know whether it was the truth or a lie – you live in…
-
How Did I Get Here?
How did I become a victim? Yesterday my friend and I hit upon one answer. Or rather, one question that is actually RELEVANT to “How did I get here?”
-
Resisting Temptation & Codependency
I just stopped myself from doing something manipulative after seeing a youtube interview with Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. For almost a year and a half now, I’ve tried to prove to my husband that he is, in fact,…
-
Why Did I Stay in An Abusive Relationship?
Why did I stay in an abusive relationship for so long? For many reasons that seemed quite rational until after I left the abusive marriage. Here they are.
-
Residue from My Abusive Relationship Clogs My Brain
The residue from my abusive relationship clogs my brain neurons like smoke and nicotine residue clogs electronics. Enough smoke and the greasy nicotine will kill a computer, a server…enough abusive residue can kill my brain function. I’ve got to clean the residue from my brain so I can start fresh. My most limiting belief is…
-
He’s Still the Same Abusive Creep: Our 18th Anniversary
Looking for the safety plan? Here’s the link: Safety Planning for Domestic Violence and Abuse Victims. Scroll to the bottom of that page to download it for free. I don’t know why pages are redirecting here, but I’m trying to figure it out. Yesterday was our 18th anniversary. I felt concerned about how I would…
-
Not Over Yet
Book Excerpt He left with the boys, but I felt like he was still outside. Still wanting me to do something I didn’t want to do. I knew he wasn’t there, but I felt him all around me; if he had intended to invoke fear in me, he succeeded. Eventually I watched the end of…
-
There is No Good God – Primary Custody to Abusive Husband
I hope God’s absence in my heart means that he’s present with Eddie and Marc. I hope God curled up in bed beside Eddie tonight to whisper my I love yous.
-
Mediation
Will and I went to mediation yesterday. We did not sign a parenting agreement. We return to mediation on May 3rd, a date by which we plan to have a financial consent order in place. I told him I wouldn’t sign ANYTHING until after the custody mediation. However, Will suggested I keep the boys with…
-
The Boys & The Abuser as Primary Custodian
I am SO HAPPY to have my boys with me right now. Will is “primary” parent right now, but he allowed me to bring the boys home with me last night and they will stay with me through Sunday. Will swears we’ll do the same cycle over again until we get back into court on…
-
No Wishbones for Me
A facebook friend posted this quote: “Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.” Good advice. But I think my wishbone is coming back. Or maybe it just never left. I think I am foolish for wishing what I wish. My wish is the same as the day I started this blog:…
-
‘You’d Better Write Something Good About Me’
Tonight, a conversation occurred that I knew would come but hoped would not. Will was angry after reading the past few days’ blog entries. He feels that he is doing everything he can to provide for me, and yet I continue to drag his name through the mud. He says that he believes that I…
-
Detached from Abuse: This Is Me, That Is Him
I am not naive enough to think this will be easy. It would be nice if some great hand would reach down from the sky to snatch a long-lost relative who left me (and my sister, mother, and grandmas) millions. But as much fun as it is to consider that inane possibility, I do not…
-
Most Abused Women Describe Abuser as Dependable
An article in Time reports that “women who said they were abused, 54% characterized their partners as very reliable, and 21% said that their partners had many positive characteristics.” There is so much to learn about abusive relationships. I’m not surprised by the findings. For some reason, I want to believe Will is reliable, when…
-
My New Job is to Overcome Pain
Will and I get along when there are witnesses, but not so much when there are none. That’s okay. I can deal. Especially now that I have my own home to go to at the end of the day. I think if I ever have the opportunity to advise someone in a similar situation, I…
-
Secrets Worth Keeping
When I started this blog, I was an open book. I told it ALL, and it felt wonderful to unload. Will desperately wanted me to shut up, to forget about it, to stop telling “lies”. I knew I couldn’t stop telling my truth. Spilling those secrets was the best thing I ever did for myself because…
-
Gotta Raise
A few days ago, my boss gave me a tape measure with my name written on it in permanent marker. I was so darn happy to see that thing – such a simple thing, yet it caused me so much joy! My name in permanent marker on a tape measure. Go figure. So anyway, today…
-
Some Guy Off the Street
As you may have gathered from my last post, I am entertaining the thought of having some wonderful sex in the future. While that is true, I can’t seem to think about sex without also thinking about a “RELATIONSHIP”. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I very well can imagine the sex without a relationship, but…
-
Life’s Luxuries are New to Me
For the first time in a very long time, I’m dealing with a variety of emotions, bad and good (if I have to judge an emotion as bad or good…). In the last year(s?) of my marriage, I dealt with anger, betrayal, fear, bitterness, probably even hate. But now there is a world of emotion…
-
Searching for Who I Am
One time an old friend said he pictured me as Peggy Hill and I about had a heart attack. Right there. On the spot. You can’t forget being compared to Peggy Hill. It ain’t funny, y’all. I felt like sending him a picture, but seeing that I was 200 pounds, I refrained thinking he would…
-
Becoming Myself After the Abuse: I’m Not That Person . . . Yet
The past month whirled around me, through me, like a red wine hurricane. I feel alive and strong, but spinning uncontrollably in my heart are questions and wishes that I’m not ready to answer or fulfill. I feel like I’m in danger of losing my vision because time isn’t pacing itself with my desires –…
-
Detaching from My Abuser: Hold and Release
There must be something in the air. My mood is so serious, like a rain-filled cloud threatening to rain on my parade. Although I feel in my gut that I’m moving in the right direction, I’m getting stronger, finding out who I am and what I like (and don’t), … there’s something heavily sad about…
-
In Isolation
During my marriage, I lived in isolation. I knew people outside of my home and sometimes shared specific experiences concerning my ex-husband with them. But somehow, I managed to keep most of the pain and embarrassment concerning my family’s truths buried deep inside. So deeply were they buried that I was able to keep them…
-
I Lived a Fairy Tale During Domestic Abuse
Once upon a time, I lived in a world of disapproval and fear. I listened to a man who demanded I make him happy, then grew angrier when I could not. I thought something was wrong with me, so I sought to change who I was to become more pleasing to that man. But as I changed…
-
Leaving Hip-Hop Sounds A Lot Like Leaving Abuse
Yes, this is Eminem’s song “25 to Life” and Marc tells me it’s about Eminem leaving Hip-Hop, which it very well may be. But it’s about something else, too. In case you don’t like Eminem, I copied the lyrics below the song so you don’t have to listen to it. I don’t think she understands…
-
My Real World is Different From What He Described
When I left my husband, I had no idea of the purity of life that would engulf me in these following months. I met people who said what they meant. I met people who could be upset without letting their tempers spill over into conversation with me, toward me. I met people who don’t have…
-
Leaving But Not Yet Free
He and I have children together. I am connected to him for the rest of my life, through them. Although our vows to love, honor and cherish fell by the wayside, “for better or worse, ’til death do we part” holds strong. Some promises can’t be taken back. I wish I could say I was all right with…
-
Trusting Myself Works
Recently, my friend’s daughter has launched a seek and destroy campaign against him. She’s pulled up facts (and rumors) from his past and attempted to make people believe they’re current activities (i.e. heroin addiction! among other crap). She’s another self-absorbed controller unleashing her special brand of evil into the world.
-
I Wish He Could Move Past the Past
Life goes on; some days are wonderful, some surprising, some plain sad. Sometimes I wish for the happy ending to my marriage that I’ll never have – “happy” in that we would die of old age after years of peacefully and joyfully rocking on our porch.
-
Last Year
I know there’s no “loser” in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.
-
Guess What? Interview about abuse on HealthyPlace.com
I’m going to be interviewed on Healthy Place Radio on Wednesday, January 5th at 8pm CST, 9pm EST! The interview will be about my experience with abuse. I am looking forward to it very much, and I hope you will tune in. If you can’t make it for the live show, Ms. Holly Gray plans…
-
Share What You Know About Domestic Violence and Abuse
The interview I did with Gary Copeland as host is posted at Healthy Place Mental Health Radio Show and titled My Verbally Abusive Marriage. I’m not certain what to think about the interview. I was nervous for some reason, and think that I didn’t answer some of the questions succinctly. While thinking about my answers,…
-
One Year Out of My Abusive Marriage: The Moonlight Dance
The subconscious dance I participated in with my ex-husband steals my thoughts today. I want to look deep inside the belly of the beast inside myself and paint a true portrait of my abusive marriage with my own blood. I don’t want his blood – I cannot pretend to know what he was doing or…
-
Anniversary Anxiety Related to Domestic Violence
February 1st last year was on Monday. Will and I had gone to court the Thursday before, and I had told the judge I agreed that he could see the boys. That first weekend, he wouldn’t take them because he hadn’t received his paperwork and was afraid that I would call the law on him…
-
Dream World of Abuse in Relationships
I wrote this some time ago, before leaving my abuser: Poe wrote, “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” Perhaps his statement sheds light on why abuse is so difficult to describe, so difficult to recognize, end, and admit. Living in abuse, I know that nothing is real. Every…
-
Depression After Leaving Abusive Relationship: Spiraling
Depression today has the same purpose as it had during my abusive relationship: to dull the good, feel the bad, and then try to fix me. But I’m not broken. My brain chemistry is broken. Domestic violence and abuse broke my brain.
-
You Can’t Make Your Abuser Abuse You
You can’t make your abuser abuse you. The responsibility for abusing falls directly on the shoulders of the perpetrator, not the victim. Yet so many victims (me too!) want to somehow make the abuse “our fault”. I think that I wanted to accept responsibility for the abuse because if I caused it, then I could…
-
Promise Me A Rose Garden
A few months after I’d left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, “So this is what I’ve been missing all these years!” and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my…
-
Pride Revisited
Last year, I wrote a story called Pride and Greed about how those two sins work together to create an abusive relationship. But now that I think about it, the story is not quite right. I mean, the story helped me to understand how Will and I “happened”, but it’s off somehow. The story is…
-
I Appreciate You
Lately I’ve been thinking about you, the readers of this blog. You readers are my core; without you, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to continue the leaving process after it begun. Without you, I think I may have resigned myself to more years of abuse – maybe I would have stayed until I…
-
Shutting Up for Many Reasons: Some Valid, Some Not
Last year, I tapered off from this blog because I was afraid of what would come of it in court. Nothing came of it in court. This blog was either irrelevant or the battle didn’t get nasty enough for his attorney to use it. Or maybe there was nothing to be said about it. Will’s…
-
Overcome Anxiety and Fear: Exorcise The Demon Meditation
For example, when I admitted to myself that the demon in my marriage was ABUSE, the abuse held less power over me. The demon flared up in a fiery attempt to terrify me, yet, after its temper tantrum, I stood strong and continued to call it by name. Will thinks I demonized him, but I…
-
Inspiration to Leave Your Abusive Relationship: Liberty or Death?
My Thanksgiving weekend would not be complete without remembering our great country and its roots in the ultimate desire for freedom. Of course, I am grateful that almost 240 years ago, brave men and women fought for America’s freedom from the abuse and oppression of the British crown; I am also grateful that I fought…
-
Trophy Wife – Side Effects of Abuse
The image you see here shows my state of mind soon after our wedding. The colors show brightly enough, the flowers are rather pretty. But the women undergo sad transitions. The signs of abuse are here, hidden by brightly colored flowers.
-
‘You Hate Men!’ Is Diversion . . . and Retraumatization
Telling me that my rape is the source of our problems is a diversion. It turns me away from whatever Will is doing and causes me to examine myself. By blaming my past for our current problems is also wrong. Will blames me for our problems without taking any responsibility for his behavior.
-
Ending an Abusive Relationship
Ending an abusive relationship begins by telling someone what you are going through. Don’t continue suffering in silence. Talk about it.
-
What Does “Recovery From Abuse” Mean To You?
Some people think “recovery from abuse” means you’re able to hold quality relationships with family, friends and a new partner. Others consider recovery to mean they’ve reclaimed themselves, feel strong, and have their life back. Is the process of recovering from child abuse different from recovering from domestic abuse? Do you think recovery has an…
-
Anxiety From Domestic Abuse Is Tough To Deal With!
Anxiety is a big deal for abuse victims, past and present. Sometimes I still find my heart racing at sounds that remind me of my “old life” in my abusive marriage. Fortunately, now I recognize my anxiety instead of not feeling it. Anxiety was such a huge part of my life when I lived with…
-
Letters About Abuse
In the months after leaving my abusive husband, there was so much I wanted to explain to my boys! My oldest son’s anger was heavy and dense. I could reach out and touch my youngest son’s broken heart on his sleeve. I wanted so badly to explain my side of things…but I couldn’t.
-
Mothers Separated From Children: One Way to Connect If The Abuser Wins Custody
And if you do lose custody, “a study of cases brought to appeal showed reversals in the mothers’ favor when domestic violence was considered” (Daniel Saunders, PhD). So always appeal an initial horrible judgment, and find an attorney who is well-versed in domestic violence from the get go.
-
Your Way To Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
I’m struck by how similar our stories about abuse really are. We all immediately recognize facets of our own horrible relationship in someone else’s telling of theirs. But the answers to “How do I get out of an abusive relationship?” doesn’t seem to have as many commonalities except for the underlying feeling of… “…When [that event] happened, I…
-
Honor Your Fear and Act
If you are afraid, there is a reason. Explore it before you’re in imminent danger. Even if your abuser has never laid a hand on you, if your intuition tells you something is going to happen, trust yourself. I’ve found two books that said that the best indicator of future domestic violence is the victim’s…
-
My Helpful Friend Is Really A Control Freak!
I have a friend who is as controlling as my ex, but in a different way. She comes to my new place calls my kid’s toys & clothing junk. She makes judgement calls on my other friends insisting that they are holding me back, but she is the one who won’t let me move forward! I feel…
-
Verbal Abuse Is The Driving Force in Abusive Relationships
Domestic abuse involves more than sexual and physical violence. It includes mental and emotional abuse at least and, whether obscure or obvious, verbal abuse in relationships is the core method of control for abusers. Verbal abuse is more than name calling, more than yelling. Verbal abuse is insidious and tricky, but very real. What is Verbal Abuse? Fortunately,…
-
Life with an Abuser Vs Life with Freedom and Choice
I left my life with an abuser almost three years ago, and the real roller coaster of life revealed itself. On the uphill climbs, I feel simultaneously excited and worried about reaching the top. Sitting on the peak, before the thrilling plummet, I feel on top of my game, as if nothing can break me. The…
-
Abuse And The Quest For Perfection
“Perfection” bedevils many of us, myself included. Perhaps you suffer from it yourself. I could blame my experience with abuse for it because, as you well know, abusers expect perfection from us victims. Not our idea of perfection, but their idea of the perfect wife, husband, child or friend.
-
Life-Changing Workbook
What Does Your Life Look Like These Days? Why would you need a life-changing workbook? Well, do you feel like you’re pointlessly mucking about in life? Are you barely doing what you must (and a bunch of other things that don’t seem to matter much)? This lifestyle leaves you little time to reach your goals, or…
-
Inspirational Blogs
We may suffer, we may cry, but we all have the free will to choose how we deal with our pain. Submitting to abuse causes you to deny who you are and trash the unique qualities, abilities and experiences given to you. What a waste of a great human.
-
What Do You Pray For?
Long ago, in the trenches of my abusive marriage, I prayed for strength and courage. God delivered – She gave me experiences that required strength and courage so I could hone those skills! That wasn’t exactly what I meant.
-
North Carolina Survivors of Domestic Abuse: The Healthy Marriage Act
Survivor’s voices must be heard in Senator Allran’s Dialogue North Carolina legislators want to pass the Healthy Marriage Act to require two years of counseling for couples who wish to divorce before granting the divorce. The amount of counseling time increases if there are children involved. Senator Allran, the primary sponsor of the bill, says he’s unsure…
-
Face Forward Restores Faces Maimed by Domestic Violence
“Face Forward works with community leaders around the nation to identify victims of violence who are legitimately working toward recovery and who carry the physical evidence of past abuse,” namely, the kind of abuse you see in the mirror, every day, that reminds you of your abusive past.
-
The Homeless Chapter
I don’t know much. At least I know I don’t know much. Life takes twists and turns that seemed impossible only days before. Now, more than any other time in my life, I am uncertain what tomorrow brings. Over the past year and a half I’ve lived with my sister, my grandmother, my fiance and…
-
Today Is Better Than Dreadful Thanks to Intuition
Fortunately, today is a better day thanks to the helpful people I found while following my intuition. I know, beyond a doubt, that I am capable of surviving without a car, without a home, without a job and without a shower. The intuition I used to build the support network I needed to leave my…
-
Vulnerability
I feel that anyone could lethally wound me with a glance. I feel exposed to many elements of my mind; exposed and in danger, not exposed and protected. My fiance, Jarimie, wants to protect me when I feel vulnerable. But how can he protect me from myself?
-
Nothing on My Mind – Memories of Abuse
The effects of abuse last longer than I hoped. I am healing from it, but memories continue to assault my mind. I just want to be healed. Now.
-
Triggered & Angry – Healing from Domestic Abuse
Anyone experiencing repeated traumas as with domestic abuse can be triggered unexpectedly. Even so, identifying triggers leads us to better mental health because once we identify the triggers, we can stop them from hurting us.
-
Abuse Is Never Love But I Wanted It to Be
What I didn’t understand at the time was that if Will wanted to lash out at me, it did not matter what I said or did or how I said or did it. The purpose of yelling at me, accusing me of lying, telling me I was a horrid mother, insisting I was cheating and…
-
My Abusive Marriage Recap
While reorganizing this website, I came across some pages that don’t fit the site any longer. But I didn’t want to get rid of their brief synopses of the abuse suffered through the years. So I thought I’d add them to a brand new page and see if brevity works as well as a deep…
-
Hindsight Can’t Help Me But Could Help You Understand Abuse
Hindsight shows me my mistakes in thinking. It shows me how my love for him blinded me. Maybe if you can see my hindsight before it happens to you, you’ll get OUT. I now understand that no choice he presented to me would end the abuse. I left the Army-abuse continued. Got pregnant-abuse continued. Doing…
-
Domestic Violence Response Strategy Saves Lives-Take a Quiz
Fatalities from domestic violence cases in Maryland are down 30% thanks to a simple 16 question checklist and a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at the time of the 911 call response. After the officer gives the quiz, she or he calls a number that allows the victim to talk to the National…
-
June 15-21: Social Media Stories On Domestic Violence
I tweet and post on Facebook hoping to give you all valuable information that you can use. The stories tell of Verbal Abuse Journals tweets under #exposeDV unless it just won’t fit in the character limit. Our twitter handle is @abuse_journals – please follow. The Verbal Abuse Journals Facebook page showcases Janet’s messages (she’s our mentor manager)…
-
Flat-Lining in Domestic Abuse Recovery
Stephen Covey says to “live out of your imagination, not your history.” Depression, suicidal thoughts, hate, despair and hopelessness result when I live out of the mindset of my past. It’s as if he is abusing me all over again.
-
Domestic Violence and Abuse News: 6/24 – 7/1, 2018
What’s in domestic violence and abuse news? Curated stories from this past week: Eva Wiseman: Blaming Football (Soccer) for Domestic Violence Is Only Half the Story “Football and alcohol do not cause domestic violence. Tension built by these things, this summer, will contribute to and trigger it, but the cause of domestic violence is abusive…
-
Domestic Violence and Abuse News: 7/2 — 7/8 2018
What’s in the news about domestic violence and abuse? This webinar is on its 3rd episode of 6 planned webinars. It covers everything from money management to finding housing so far. Check out the playlist on YouTube. “Homicide–suicides were more likely than suicide alone following interpersonal conflict and recent crisis. The risk of firearm homicide–suicide compared with…
-
Choosing to Stay in an Abusive Relationship
Choosing to stay in an abusive relationship is a valid choice. Despite the horrors of an abusive relationship, sometimes abused people choose to stay with their abuser. Staying doesn’t mean you’ll be happy, but sometimes staying for now or forever seems like the only thing you can do. Here are some possibilities of what can happen if you choose to…
-
I Didn’t Know It Was Abuse
One morning, while applying waterproof mascara, I looked into my eyes and saw it. Nothing. My eyes didn’t shine or pop; there was no light. Where did I go? Where was my soul? Fiery hot tears boiled in the corners of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks leaving their tracks in the pink blush…
