“Be a lover of gateways, approach them softly. For once you pass through, there will be changes and much that you will gladly lay aside.”
My mom sent this to me earlier this week. It’s written in my handwriting and I didn’t author it, but that’s unimportant. What is important is that I got it this week, a day before my husband decided he’d had enough of me. I think it’s a message from me, for me, from a time past.
When I looked the quote up online, I found it related to the rune called Thurisaz. Mainly, this rune is “…of reactive and defensive/directed force – a catalyst for change through resistance.” This statement hits home for me because it goes along with something my therapist said back in October. He told me that I was a catalyst for change.
At the time, I thought he’d been reading too many Obama bumper stickers, but I did hope that what I was doing – defending myself against attack – would change my marriage. Would change my life. Would change my husband’s behavior. As the quote above mentions, I hoped I would be the “catalyst for change through resistance.”
Well, things are changing, but not how I’d hoped.
In time, I’ll be okay with that. Right now, it hurts. Maybe it hurts because it’s supposed to hurt. He meant to hurt me. “Goodbye and good luck.” I think he meant to threaten me, too. The “good luck” part was not lovingly said, you know. On a high note, this could be the first time he’s ever wished me good luck in anything. But I digress….
The good luck part was definitely a threat. I can only wonder what he thinks he can do and where the attack will come from.
I’m thinking money in part, but he told me that the night I left with the kids that the only reason he didn’t cancel the credit and debit cards was because I had the boys with me. So no, it probably won’t relate to our immediate finances. It’s only a matter of time until I find out, I’m sure.
The last line of the page on Thurisaz says, “It is wise to never start a fight, but if one has started, be sure to finish it.” I guess I’m going to have to finish what I started.
I will finish this fight doing what I believe to be right and good. I will continue to resist his attacks; I will continue to know in my heart and mind that what he is doing to me and the boys is wrong. I won’t back down.
He doesn’t know me, he only imagines me. Therefore, he doesn’t know who he’s threatening, and that works to my advantage.
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