Halloween! The veil between this and “the other” world is as thin as it gets tonight.
My dad, Pap, died in 2003 at the age of 54 from an abdominal anyeurism that moved and exploded his heart. It was sudden and shaking; according to reports, he was surprised himself as he died on the gurney on the way into the hospital. Two hours prior, we all thought he had kidney stones.
I don’t need a thin veil between the worlds to hear from him, though. Pap spoke up unexpectedly in a recent journal entry to shed some light on my thinking. I was journalling about co-dependency – wondering why and how I neglected to develop my sense of “self” way back before I met my husband.
I will share what he said to me (I copied it down as I heard it) and I would like you to imagine that this is your daddy or your mommy talking to you. They don’t have to be dead, they don’t have to be healthy on this plane of existence. Imagine that this is the very best part of your parent speaking to you. In places where he said my name, I’ll place an underscore so you can read your name instead of mine.
“_____________ you look good from here. You look like your light is crashing through, spilling out, flooding the atmosphere. You were always more than I understood or could comprehend. I tried to bring you back to my level, and it seems I succeeded to an extent, unfortunately.
“I am so sorry I didn’t see then what I knew was in you. I thought by hiding you, squashing you back inside yourself, that I coud protect you from those who wanted to TAKE what you had. I see now that teaching you to squash yourself worked too well.
“Celebrate who you are and when you feel your walls fall down, let them fall. You are too much for me as I was, but you are exactly what the world needs.
“You have so many questions! Never fear. If you simply take one step and then the other, each and every one of your talents will find its place in the sun. You really can do anything, so you must choose what you LOVE over what is possible.
“You are shining. We see you clearly. Let youself BE and feel good that you do not know when and how you will serve. Just know that you will. Just by following your nose. Just by being you. BE. BE. BE. BE. Be YOU, ___________. That is all I ask.
“Be the one I feared. Be the one I squashed. Be the one I told you you couldn’t be.
“I was misguided and afraid. It was my fault you pinched yourself in so tightly. You had to be what I could afford and I felt I could not afford a gifted daughter. I felt a need to lower your sights for yourself because I couldn’t afford lofty aspiritions.
“Me squashing you was about ME. My insecurities, my fears. My dreams for you were average because I felt average was all I could provide.
“Don’t listen to me from those days. I see now the world and the heavens in their beautiful abundance. There will always be more than you need, more than you can imagine. More than I let you believe.
“Keep moving and abundant life will be yours as it is already. Nothing you do is small, __________. Nothing is small. You are large. You are full and you cannot lose your fullness by giving it away. In fact, the quicker you give, the quicker you receive enough to give twice as much.
“Go ahead. I love you. I love you. Be You. Be. Be. Be.
“(Your Grandma) told me you were special and that scared me. Special meant I was responsible to you and I didn’t want that responsiblity. I’m sorry I squashed you small, but I didn’t squash you dead.
“Keep moving. Keep growing. Keep me in your heart as I now am and as I was so you recognize my squashing voice. Then, when you’ve heard me squashing 3 times, let me go. Let me go so you can BE. When you do that, you’ll find me again. Me as I truly am. Me as your father who loves you and would never and could never hurt you again.
“No more squashing YOU. ____________, I love you.”