I’ve thought about it, and my root fear goes deeper than “Is he right?“
My next theory concerning my root fear is one that I suspect even “healthy” people wrestle with from time to time. Am I worthless? is a deeper fear than Is he right? In the setting of this abusive/codependent relationship, means almost the same thing. The difference is that in asking if he is right about my worth, I turn his decision about me into the only one that matters.
Yes, my fear is strengthened by my abusers actions and voice, but even I know that I am not everything he proclaims me to be. Reason tells me that he is only “GOD” if I allow it, and I have decided that my husband is not and cannot be the god that speaks to me, protects me, loves me. My husband may be a powerful force in my life, but he is not god.
Ultimately, I get to decide if I am worthless or not. If you’re the religious type, then perhaps you would say that God decides. However, since I have to wait until I die to get the down-low on God’s true opinion of me with certainty, then I’ll decide for myself for now.
Anyway, my rumination brings out a new question: “Why did I choose to marry someone who consistently and loudly voices my deepest fear?”
“Why did I marry him?” implies that my fear of worthlessness was in place before I knew him. Maybe I married him because he validated my fear; maybe he truly was the hero I was looking for. In essence, he told me that I WAS RIGHT.
What a gift! It was exactly what I wanted.
Related entry: No More Children.
This entry is one day out of the journal I kept while I was still in the marriage. The whole thing, in order, is the book: My Abusive Marriage . . . and what i’m doing in it. Or read the first pages if you want to see whether it’s for you.