Yellow Isn't For Cowards

Red Light Behaviors (<– previous post) This stinks. I’m sitting here bemoaning the fact that I have to think about the danger signs relating to my husband’s behavior (or anyone ‘s behavior, I guess). It’s scary because I’ve been through it before – I’m not imagining, I’m “re-magining” or living through it again in my mind. My imagination is pretty damn good, and my “re-magining” skill is better. It’s going to be as if I’m living it all over again. Here we go…Yellow-Light Behaviors:

• Not talking on purpose
• Looking at me with slitted eyes
• Coming in and out of the house to “show-off” his bad mood
• Answering my question with an unrelated answer and turning red at the same time
• Saying stuff like “I can’t get any help around here,” “Do whatever the hell you want like always,” etc.
• Turning bright red when he looks at me without a word spoken
• Saying “What the hell are you doing…” after storming around outside and in
• When I feel like I need to be near him in order to keep him from picking on one of the boys
• Slamming or banging his hands or kitchenware on the countertops
• After exhibiting some of the previous warnings, brushing me as he passes even when there is plenty of room to avoid contact
• Making angry faces at me when he thinks I can’t see (or maybe he knows I can see him)
• Brings up sensitive topics or acts disrespectfully as he’s leaving for work (be aware after work)
• Ignores me in an obvious manner or tells me his schedule is too busy to talk because he’s the only one who can blah blah blah
• Yelling in anger while doing household repair or personal chore (like he’s showing his temper on purpose – “Watch out! You’re next!”)
• When I have an “unsettled” feeling and cannot quite pinpoint why but it happens when I see him from up close or afar
• When he starts drinking at lunch time (UNLESS we’re around people whom he has a need to NOT ALLOW see his “unseemly” behavior toward me…his family, his co-workers, anyone he thinks I talk to about my problems,…but again, after these people leave, and he’s alone with me and the boys, WATCH OUT!)
• When he starts drinking after work
• When he comes home drunk or smelling like alcohol
• Whenever alcohol MAY be involved in his plans and especially when our budget cannot reasonably handle another case of beer (my fault, of course)
• When he questions me about money spent even though it’s clearly notated in the checkbook
• When he suspects that I’m hiding money, hiding my spending, leaving the house “for no good reason”, spending too much time with some activity, etc. – especially if he wants to discuss his suspicions after exhibiting any of the above behaviors

Good God. I’m still rolling…haven’t even had to “think” about it yet. This stuff is so common that if I choose to leave the house when they happen I’m going to have to get my own place! Most of the behaviors above come in groups. Usually at least two behaviors occur simultaneously. I am feeling anxious, but I’m not as worked up as I thought I would be “re-magining” this stuff. I suppose it’s because I know the next step is to decide WHAT TO DO when these behaviors start appearing. I always feel better with a plan.