Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Promise Me A Rose Garden

leaving abuse

leaving abuseA few months after I’d left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, “So this is what I’ve been missing all these years!” and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.

Here it is, almost a year later, and I feel a familiar numbness settling into my joints, radiating outward. I bet you can see it, murky and olive green, if you look hard enough.

Well, in hindsight, I guess I had a good run.

Over the past year, several good things happened for me:

  • Divine guidance brought me to a home I love.
  • I recognized and left the employ of an abusive boss, and was fortunate to have a better paying job offered to me at the same time.
  • I met Max who has helped me envision a life of love instead of a life of guarded alone-ness.
  • I love my no-longer-new job and get to help teenage boys set goals for their lives.
  • I was able to replace the car my oldest son, Marc, flipped into the river.
  • I started back to school full time.
  • Marc, who had refused to stay with me, came to live with me full-time.
  • Eddie, my youngest son, stays with me exactly half of the time.
  • I am a paid blogger on verbal abuse at HealthyPlace.com

It’s funny how life changes so slowly and so quickly at the same time. A year is not a lot of time, but it sure did seem to take forever to play out. But looking back, everything happened in its own perfect time.

Once again I find myself wishing that life would change, hoping it changes the way I want it to change, and doing so NOW. I want the instant gratification of:

  • Writing, full-time, and being paid so well that I can leave my employer (I want to work for myself).
  • Eddie coming to stay with me much more than half time.
  • Marc’s baby-steps toward taking responsibility for his own life to come to fruition.
  • Replacing the car I don’t appreciate anymore (which Marc slightly wrecked last week – fortunately still drivable).
  • Having my bachelor’s degree in my hands right NOW without feeling the frustration of working for it.
  • Working through Max and my co-codependent issues as if by magic instead of as part of a process.
  • Seeing Marc’s girlfriend, who now lives with us, work through her issues and leave her controlling parent’s misdeeds behind.
  • Divine guidance once again leading me to the state of peace this home brought me in the beginning.

I may be patient with my children and my boyfriend, but I am not patient with time.

Writing this, I just realized that I received almost everything I wished for at this time last year! Last May, if all of those wonderful things had happened instantly, I would have been completely happy (but maybe a bit unprepared).

Just above, I said that in hindsight I saw how everything happened in its own perfect time. Maybe my depression is a result of pushing too hard (wanting to control) and wishing I had it all today while experiencing none of the ups and downs it will take to achieve my goals. Is this what they mean by “enjoying the journey”? If I don’t allow myself to feel happiness when I take a baby-step, then what is the point of taking that step?

Suddenly the murky olive green oppression feels a bit more translucent and spring green. I feel better. This time next year, I’ll have more of what I want. Wait and see.

Oooh…just found the perfect song at youtube: