Worthless. Poopy. Bad. Careful. Never mind.
What is it to fear? In my head or in reality?
No more babies. No more pregnancies. Good and Bad. Positive and Negative. Glad and Sad at some times mostly sad. Mad but no one to blame.
Future holds surprises. Never know where life goes. Love Him. Pray. Find Peace in His arms. Teach the boys well. Love them heartily and give them world and self.
My child, don’t you know God surrounds you? Coincidences are sometimes not so. Coincidences lead to paths and paths to God’s road. Danger and suspense for those who do not trust in Him. Privilege and success to those who trust and follow Him.
He loves you. You love Him. He holds you always. Always embrace the light even when darkness surrounds. Time may heal this as your Nana says. Time may not. The only certainty is that God is with you always.
Notes from June 2012
Will took advantage of my last miscarriage. He asked me if I wanted to continue going through the pain of losing babies. Of course, I said no. So he got a vasectomy.
He didn’t want any more children, but I did. Now it wouldn’t ever happen. He “helped” me to feel like I’d agreed to the vasectomy, so I felt complicit in the action.
The fear in my head may be the confusing distrust of my husband. I should have been able to trust him, but I couldn’t. It’s a fearful reality when you cannot trust the people in your home.