I was just on facebook reaching out to people I don’t know asking them to be my friends. Kind of nervy, but seeing that yesterday I revealed my facebook identity to some of my current friends, it seemed to be the next step. (I’m not telling Will’s family or “his” friends anything.)
I suppose I’m gearing up for Will’s homecoming. I know that looking to Will for support when he returns is like trying to turn on the tv when it is unplugged. I’m not going to get what I want from him.
He feels attacked and humiliated, judging from his reaction to this blog. If I think he’s going to come home and support my efforts to become different from the wife he left 10 months ago, then I’m a fool.
I wish that the writing I’ve done on this blog in the past year COULD have been personal emails to my husband. I wish it were possible to have an open dialogue with Will about what is going on with us, with me. I wish my concerns and comments meant something more to him than they do. But sharing with Will is like asking for abuse, requesting it, bringing it on.
It feels like he files my words for editing, then spits something back at me that sounds almost like what I said, but never true. My words come back to me twisted and distorted…communicating with him is like talking to my most evil self.
I don’t seem to have too much trouble communicating with anyone other than Will, so I’m inclined to believe the communication problem is rooted firmly inside of him. And if this part of our problem is in him, then there’s really nothing I can do about that.
Which is WHY reaching out on facebook and in my very real world is so important to me.
When I am confused, discombobulated, in danger of losing my sanity, it is YOU and my face-to-face friends who become my mirror. I look to you not for “help” or as my rescuers, but as a mirror reflecting back to me the truth of my situation.
You don’t have to do anything for me. No one does. I can and will work through this homecoming in my own way. I don’t know what the outcome will be (who does?), but that doesn’t bother me anymore.
Because of all of you, I know that I am not alone in this topsy-turvy, manipulative and controlling cycle of abuse. My perceptions are valid. It is okay for me to be afraid. It is okay for me to want a fairy-tale ending. And it’s okay if I don’t get the fairy-tale ending that I want.
Thank you all for being the beauty in my life.