I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m feeling. And when I think about what I’m thinking I feel afraid. There’s no good title for that kind of confusion. There’s no good title for this time in my life.
I’m not married but I’m not single. I don’t want to be married, but I don’t want to date (puh-leeze! will I ever be ready to date?!).
I’m not employed, but I’m not lazy. I’m not unemployed because I’m not quite “looking” either.
I don’t really have a home of my own, but I’m living in one.
I don’t really have any money of my own, and the thought of having my own cash worries me. Having my own money means that I’m alone.
I am alone, but I’m still Mama. I am alone, but I’m still sister, daughter, friend and even wife. How can I be so many people but feel like I’m lost and wandering? How can I be Mama when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing?
I’m afraid but trying to be brave. Courageous but wishing I’d been less so for a little longer. Smart and feeling like an idiot. Sad and not wanting to honor it.
Happy and fearful of letting it go, not trusting that it will return.
What the hell is THIS?