It sucks not being able to tell you everything. I wish I could live this part of my experience online, but for various reasons, I cannot. I can tell you that although I find myself crying at times, I also find myself laughing at times. Although my oldest son is livid with me, peace lives in the house and it was not here before. Perhaps the peace in the house is the peace I feel within, too.
Although I hate the events that brought me to today, I wish they had not happened, in some very real ways, they had to happen. I had to see that Will meant it when he said, “I am not going to change.” He has thoroughly convinced me. He will not change.
So if he will not change, will not examine his mind and heart to extricate his own demons but chooses to continue demonizing me in their place, then he will continue to live inside the hellish environment we both experienced. He might be telling himself that I created this world alone and that the events between us are the result of the things I did; or, he might be coming to terms with the reality of our situation. I cannot know what he is thinking, and I remind myself of that 20 times a day.
I also cannot know, nor do I want to know, what he is doing, what he is saying about me, or what he could be plotting. The longer I think of the darkest side of him, the more frightened I become. I know that living in fear results in not living, so I refuse to let fear control my thoughts and actions. I am as prepared as I can be, and that will be enough.
I am also aware of the duality of his personality. I know that there will be a time when he comes to me softly. I don’t know what he may request of me at that time – perhaps it will be to tell me goodbye – but it will happen, and I know that even then, I cannot let my guard down. His darker side is too real, and his softer side too infrequent, for that delicate moment to carry further than the time I am face to face with him, hearing him say those things (whatever they will be).
I already miss some of the kind times we had together. Our first kisses, our first laughs, the births of our children. Even so, those things are memories and will always be memories – things like them will never happen again. It has been so very long since we’ve had any kind times together, so wishing for them so I would have one last good memory with the man I loved through it all is pointless. What we have is what we have, and it will be enough.
Besides, even though apart, we still get to watch our sons grow and fall in love. We still get to be grandparents, and there will be joy in the upcoming days, even though we now live separate lives.
The way I see it, in the future not too far away, I will see more of the goodness of Will in the rest of my days than I will see the darker bits of him. There won’t be the opportunity to see the bad because if the darkness pops out of him, I will leave wherever he is and go to my own peaceful home and be thankful that, although alone, I am safe, content and prosperous.
Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage . . . and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly