Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Arguing Over Nothing

First argument, but I called a break. He was as unhappy about the argument as I was, I think. I’m writing to try to decipher when it started going south and why.

I was first feeling frustrated when he was talking about his Priorities 1,2 and 3. Priority 1: our oldest son; Priority 2: me and him; Priority 3: work.  To me, all three are important and all three are related. I mentioned that the one person he was leaving off the priority list was our youngest son, to which he responded “Valid point. I’ll think about that.”

He continued on into his worries about the future if we cannot straighten out our oldest son, then when Will tells him, “You don’t get the GI Bill, your brother does,” it will have damaging effects on us (as a married couple).

Oh. I just realized that he assumed he would be making such a decision whether I agreed or not.

Regardless, I pointed out that he is discounting the strength we, as a married couple, would have gained between now and then. Not only is there no way to know if such a decision will occur, there is also no way to know how we would react to it at that point.

My concern was that if Will refused to see “us” and “oldest” and “youngest” as a whole AND as separate “priorities” then we wouldn’t be coming from the same viewpoint. And there it is.

Although his viewpoint is important as well as mine, it is not important that we come to an agreement over HOW to view the situation. I don’t have to prioritize in his fashion, and he doesn’t have to “see the whole” as I do.

It was at the point of frustration for ME that his frustration seemed evident, too. He started saying things about how when things got bad for me I went to a book to find a solution and tried to impose it on him. When he refused it, I put up walls.

Possible. But I reject the opinion that I “go to books” to find labels for us. If I hadn’t already recognized a problem in our marriage, then how could have the words in any book I read be relevant to me? I think that I “go to books” for answers because the answers I provide to him (from me) are not worthy either. My answers aren’t good enough, so I seek to supplement them with others’ studies and reasearch.

Okay. I feel better. I may write more later today at the rate this is going.

In summary, he started acting out when I wanted him to adopt MY viewpoint. He felt (?) that I was attacking his method, his way of thinking, his way of organizing data. I was just trying to help (him) but my help is unneeded and definately unwanted.