Dysfunctional Motivation

My motivation for working to return to my “hottie” roots defies logic. In fact, it’s so ANTI-HEALTHY, I can’t believe the idea lit my fire.

Later, I may dig deeper into why such a horrible and illogical thought works for me. Maybe analyze any other unhealthy motivations I may have and how they hurt me. What I’m saying is that I KNOW this thought is twisted; I just don’t care. It’s working like the “right” motivating thoughts NEVER have worked.

In the “Cheating” post, I told you the sordid story about (what else?) cheating in my marriage. I have forgiven it; I have moved on. It happened 15 years ago. I couldn’t muster the tears one may expect when my suspicion was confirmed last week.

So, with the forgiving and the lack of feeling toward the infidelity, “How,” you may ask, “can the cheating incident motivate you to get in shape?!”

It motivates me because, if I’m “healthy and fit” or a “hottie” (take your pick), then my husband will feel horrible if I leave him. Imagining him watch me (jiggly in only the right places) create a new life for myself because he didn’t want to work with me to create a happier life with him makes me feel all warm and tingly. Sexy even.

This thought is SO dysfunctional on SO MANY levels! But, if I don’t think about all the sick thinking wrapped into that one statement, then it works. I worked out today and set goals for this week. I wrote down what I ate. I took my measurements. I’m fired up! I know all the “right reasons” for getting healthy, and making my husband feel miserable is NOT one of them.

Just for fun, let’s unravel some of the sickness in that motivating statement.

First off, the statement assumes many things:

1. My husband will not work with me to create a happy life together.
2. My husband would feel horrible without me.
3. My husband will care what I’m doing after I’m no longer “his woman”.
4. My husband cheated (cheats?) because he doesn’t like the way I look.
5. It is possible for me to return to “hottie status” and be “jiggly in only the right places”.

Secondly, the statement insinuates some rather nasty ideas:

1. I am not worth having or fighting for as I am – I am not a worthy person.
2. If I am a hottie, then maybe my husband will want me.
3. Someone lusting over me gives me a charge. (Only natural, I suppose, but this harkens back to my behavior after my rape, and that worries me.)
4. I am already envisioning a life without him even as I consciously plan to give him a chance to change.

And finally, the statement “hurts so good”. It’s a sick and twisted motivating statement, so why does it work so well for me? After all, I’m trying to be emotionally and mentally healthy, too!

1. Why am I trying to hurt my husband when I know it’s wrong to even TRY to hurt someone on purpose?
2. Why does my motivation for losing weight and getting healthy revolve around HIM?
3. What will happen if I’m fit and healthy but we successfully work through the abuse? Am I doomed to regain the weight, return to unhealthy status because the outcome didn’t match my intent?

For now, I’m going to give myself a break. Yes, I know that the motivation is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I’ve laid out reasons why I should NOT entertain the idea, and yet I haven’t talked myself out of embracing it.

There are so many good reasons why I need and want to lose weight via a lifestyle change. (You’ll have to take my word on that – I’ve got at least 10 “right” reasons to lose weight, and NONE of them have motivated me the way this dysfunctional thought has.)

I am going to trust my gut on this one and hang on to the dysfunctional motivation – at least for now.

I suspect that, in time, I’ll burn through this initial motivation and will come to rely on habit (new, healthier habits) and the “right” reasons for creating and maintaining a healthy body.

I know I want physical health. I know exercise will help to relieve stress, and looking better will help me to feel better. And I really, really deserve to feel good about myself – it may be the greatest gift I’ve ever allowed myself to give. So if a dysfunctional thought process has ignited my ability to give myself the gift of love and life, then so be it.