Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

I KNEW He Cheated! I Just Don’t Care Anymore

If my husband cheated on me, then so be it. Two, the only “new” information I received was confirmation of my own suspicions from years and years ago. I decided to forgive his transgression (real OR imagined) 15 years ago, and I don’t want to go back there again. (from “Home” post)

It was 1995 when the whole cheating scandal erupted. My husband accused me, I accused him. It was very ugly. I assumed that he was accusing me because he himself had actually cheated, plus there had been numerous rumors circulating during his 6-month deployment to that effect.

One day, in my art room (a large closet, really), I decided that I couldn’t go on like that. I had to either leave him or forgive him. My husband vehemently denies the rumors. I decided to forgive him. Whether he cheated or not, I believed he had, so forgiving was the tact I took. I knew I’d never forget, but I did decide to forgive.

Soon after, my sister said that she knew something I didn’t about my husband. I told her that I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to face it; I wanted to put the whole thing behind me. I had the feeling I knew what she was going to say, and I couldn’t bear it.

She kept silent until last week when she again asked me if I wanted to know what she knew. I said that I did want to know, and that’s when she summoned her husband.

Reluctantly, my brother-in-law told me that he heard my husband say, “I had that” (or something similar) in reference to a female soldier who came to a party at our house. BIL took the statement as fact and had told my sister about it at the time.

Barring some stupid macho bragging to the guys my husband was talking to (which makes no sense to me – he was married and everyone knew it), my belief that he cheated was confirmed.

Funny thing is, it doesn’t make a difference one way or the other. Back in 1995, I already “knew” in my bones that he’s been unfaithful. I chose to forgive and put it behind me; evidently, it worked. Last week, I couldn’t even muster tears of betrayal, and I’d been crying off and on for days out of frustration!

What BIL told me only confirmed what I already believed and had processed and forgiven.

However, the confirmation sparked something within me. I now have the motivation and desire to return to my naturally healthy state – firm and fit, nutritionally sound – in order to deal with my stress.

This post is already long, so I’ll write another to tell you about the dysfunctional thinking that lit my fire to get in shape. I think I’m twisted, but for once, I don’t care. If twisted thinking gets me off my ass and away from convenience food, then I’ll use it for all its worth.