Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Conversation with Truth, the Hardest Angel to Hear

Dear Angel,
What is best for my unborn child right now?

“To go with God. To be with Him in the playground and to feel his gentle grasp on her face. Lovingly and forever.”

I want my baby with me. How do I know I am talking to you and not listening to me?

“Because I am Truth. Your baby cannot live with you. She needs her God to love her and keep her.”

I can love her too.

“No. She is special. Her concerns are not yours. Her life is not yours.”

Then why did God give her to me at all?

“As a keeper for her soul. Her soul was ready – her body is not.”

Why? What’s wrong?

“Poison in your stream.”

What Poison? Please tell me what poison is in me? What keeps her from staying with me?

“She is a girl. Your body fights her.”

So why did God give me her?

“He wanted her with Him.”

Why does God hurt me?

“You are special. You would care for them all. You would love them all and lead them to peace.”

But it hurts.

“Yes, it would, but you’re chosen now.”

I don’t believe I am talking to an angel. There is no peace and comfort here. If this is true, it could be less painful. I will continue to ask God to let me keep my baby.

I started bleeding on Christmas Eve.

Notes From May 29, 2012

This conversation with an angel took place in 1998. I had already lost two babies by miscarriage in the past year. My husband never felt the pain of the miscarriages with me. He said he didn’t really know our sons until after they were born, so it was hard for him to feel the pain of losing someone he never knew.

I wish Will would have let me lay my head on his chest and cry. I wish I could have hugged him and held onto him. But it doesn’t work that way with us. I’m on my own.

I have never deciphered what the poison in my stream could be; I don’t understand why it had to be this way.  Let me tell you, Truth is the hardest angel to hear.

*In April of 2009, I heard myself tell my son “You would love them all” and finally understood. Angel-Speak Decoded tells a bit more of the story.

*It’s 2015 now, and I am doing some site work. Rereading this makes me think that the poison in my stream was poison in my lifestream, not poison in my body. The Rh Factor was not an issue. The abuse was the poison. It already affected two boys. Having a third child brought in … I don’t know. But for whatever reason, Will and I were not to have another child, but I was to deliver those special ones directly into the hands of God, no stopping on earth, just straight to Him.

I still think it was a pretty shitty thing to do to me though. He could have those babies without me knowing I was pregnant with them. Maybe time will reveal more. I still think of the ones I lost, but I know I will understand why they didn’t stay with me … when I’m able to ask the source.