My heart beats fast because I stayed too long in a conversation with my husband. Next time, I’ll end it at the very first sign that “something’s wrong”. It’s not worth hearing the abuse.
I wish (what’s in the other hand again?) that he would talk to me without the subtle blaming, without the subtle undercurrent of threats. I wish that he would talk to me without telling me that what I do is wrong, what I write is wrong, what I feel is wrong.
I wish he would not tell me that if he were as miserable as I am he would have left me long ago and given custody of our children to his mother because of his deployments.
I wish he would express his anger and frustration differently.
I wish he would stop saying that what I tell him is bullshit and that my blog and my words to him don’t align. I wish he didn’t say I was a liar.
I wish he would stop cursing so much, labeling me, labeling you (readers of this blog), labeling everyone.
I wish he would stop telling me that I am miserable and dumb for not leaving him since I feel so imprisoned.
I wish he would stop getting angry with me because I wouldn’t do something he told me to do.
I wish that he would stop telling me how to talk, how to say what I want to say.
I wish that he would stop telling me that if I am not going to do the things that make him happy, then … Then what? Did he say?
I wish he would stop reading this blog if it brings him so much pain. I wish he would stop telling me to stop writing because he wouldn’t do it if he were me.
I wish he would not act like everything was fine at the beginning of a conversation only to ease into the ugliness.
I wish I would learn that talking over his anger does not make me deaf to its hurtful words.
I wish he would love me for me.
I wish I had stopped this long ago, but I didn’t. And now that I am trying to stop it, I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I wish that saving my soul and saving my marriage was not a process – a long process. I wish that I had ALL the skills I need RIGHT NOW instead of quietly realizing that it takes time to learn new habits.
I wish I could replace all of this shit with wishes.
I am going to have to be patient with myself, forgiving of my mistakes, and continue moving forward. I’m going to have to fight the urge to make this all right for him. It’s not all right. It’s all wrong. It’s wrong for me.
Wish me luck.
Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage . . . and what i’m doing in it by Kellie Jo Holly (or preview the book now).