Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

We Had a Bad Day

A mother pointing out something on the mountainside to her young chid - not at all like the bad day we just had

First a Note

Note from 2012: One of my greatest fears is that my behavior negatively affects my boys. Looking back on this journal entry makes that fear real. I know they’ve felt pain due to my yelling. I don’t always separate my frustrations with my relationship and myself from my frustrations with my children. My boys have always deserved better.

Reading this makes me feel terrible. I feel like I abused my son. I’m embarrassed by what was going on in my head – I knew I wasn’t handling his tantrum well.

The frustration was terrible for Marc too, I’m sure.

February 11, 1998

Frustration often flows downhill. Not that my children are less than me, but they are smaller and easier to express anger toward than my husband. It wasn't fair. They have always deserved better.

I am so frustrated. Marc is crying and moaning and complaining AGAIN. I hate it when he acts like this. I can’t make him be quiet, I can’t make him listen, I can only punish him by sending him to his room and then I STILL have to listen to him cry and complain and whine.

First, he started to cry because I told him he couldn’t feed the fish as a job. Then I told him we could see how he does tonight and then make up our minds. He kept crying and I sent him to his room.

Came out, and had to be given simple instructions over and over and over again. He defied me on purpose. He went to play in his room and then slammed the door on Eddie and hurt him by accident.

I told him to come see me. He started screaming and had to be told several times to be quiet and come here. Still screaming as he sat down. “1 -2- ” and he stopped screaming. No tears, nothing!

Pissed Pissed Pissed I am pissed. Don’t know how to make this better. Sick of the same old SHIT. Why should he get to do what he wants when he won’t do what he is told? I am stuck and going crazy. How do I get this child to behave???


Marc is taking a nap in here now. I told him if he took a nap, then I didn’t have to hear him cry and scream anymore. “I’m not tired!” he whined.

I know, and I feel bad about napping him when he’s not tired, but what else can I do?

this post is an excerpt from Kellie Jo Holly's book

Featured photo by Nathan Dumlao