Verbal abuse is the use of words, tone, silence, and body language to control, belittle, or frighten another person. Over time it can make you doubt what you saw, what you said, and what you are capable of. It can be loud or quiet, and it does not need to include a single insult.
This page is mainly about verbal abuse between partners and former partners, which is what this site has covered since 2008. It covers what verbal abuse looks like, the types, who uses it and why, how common it is, what it does to a person, whether it gets worse, and what you can do.
Take the parts you need.
On This Page:
What Does Verbal Abuse Look Like?
It looks like more than yelling. Verbal abuse includes insults and name-calling, and it also includes the silent treatment, sarcasm, jokes at your expense, “correcting” your memory of events, giving orders, and refusing to listen. A look, a gesture, or an object set down in a certain place can carry a threat without a word.
It can be loud, with shouting and cruelty, or quiet, with ignoring and contempt. Quiet abuse is harder to point to, and that is one reason people doubt themselves.
People outside the relationship often hear something mild and miss what it signals to the person receiving it. Research on how people perceive aggression points the same way. A 2012 review by Williams and colleagues found that observers tend to see physical aggression as more serious than psychological aggression, while people who experienced psychological aggression viewed it as more harmful than physical aggression and its effects as longer lasting.
Is Verbal Abuse the Same as Emotional or Psychological Abuse?
The terms overlap, and researchers have not settled on one definition. Dokkedahl and colleagues, in a 2022 review of psychological violence, wrote that it still has no clear and consistent definition.
The CDC uses “psychological aggression” for the use of verbal and nonverbal communication with the intent to harm a partner or to control them. On this site, verbal abuse means the part that comes through words, tone, and the behavior that goes with them. In real relationships the parts blend, and the sections below describe verbal abuse as it shows up inside that larger picture.
Where Else Does Verbal Abuse Happen?
Verbal abuse can happen anywhere people have power over each other or share close quarters: between parents and children, among siblings, in friendships, online, at school, and at work. The setting changes what it is called and which rules apply.
At school it usually goes by the name bullying. StopBullying.gov describes bullying as unwanted aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or likely to be repeated. It lists teasing, name-calling, threats, and sexual comments as verbal bullying.
At work, the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) treats harassment as unwelcome conduct based on a protected characteristic such as sex, race, religion, age, or disability. It is unlawful when putting up with it is a condition of keeping the job, or when it is severe or pervasive enough to make the workplace hostile or abusive. Insults, name-calling, slurs, and offensive jokes are among its examples, and sexual harassment is covered. Verbal abuse that is not tied to a protected characteristic falls outside that definition. Your human resources department or an employment attorney can tell you what applies where you work. This and the bullying definition above are US definitions, and other countries use different ones.
The rest of this page is about partners and former partners, where the person using it knows your history, your fears, and your routines, and often shares your home, your money, or your children.
What Are the Types of Verbal Abuse?
This site describes fifteen types of verbal abuse, following the categories in Patricia Evans’s The Verbally Abusive Relationship. They are easier to hold in mind in four groups, based on what they do to you. The groups are a way to organize the types, not official categories, and each type has its own page.
Direct Attacks
Direct attacks are the easiest to recognize because they are aimed at you. Name-Calling puts a label on you. Judging and Criticizing finds fault with who you are and what you do. Accusing and Blaming makes you responsible for the other person’s behavior or feelings. Abusive Anger uses rage, volume, and intimidation. Threatening Behavior and Words warns of what will happen to you, your belongings, or people you care about, with or without saying it.
Control of What You Say and Do
Ordering and Demanding gives orders as if you were not an equal and treats your preferences as obstacles. Withholding or Depriving holds back conversation, affection, information, or support. Blocking and Diverting refuses to engage with what you raised and steers the conversation somewhere else.
Attacks on What You Know
Countering contradicts whatever you say. Denial refuses to admit what was said or done. Forgetting claims not to remember something you both know happened, such as a promise or an incident. Discounting treats your experience, feelings, and perceptions as wrong or silly. People often use the word gaslighting for this group, and the Gaslighting page covers it.
Put-Downs With a Cover
Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke delivers the insult, then says you cannot take a joke. Trivializing makes what you did, said, or feel seem small. Undermining discourages your plans, dampens your enthusiasm, and weakens your confidence in your own abilities.
Any of these can show up once in a bad argument. When they repeat, aim at you, or leave you doubting yourself, they form the pattern this site calls verbal abuse. A single incident can still be abusive, especially a threat. For all fifteen with examples, see Examples of Verbal Abuse, and for the phrases themselves, see Things Abusers Say and Do.
How Is Verbal Abuse Different from an Argument?
Hurtful words in a single fight do not make a relationship abusive, and the line is not always easy to see. Some questions can help you describe what is happening:
- Does it repeat?
- Does it leave you afraid, or doubting your own memory and judgment, in a way an ordinary disagreement would not?
- Does most of the harm go in one direction?
- Does the person stop when you say it hurts, or does saying so make it worse?
- Can you disagree or say no without paying for it?
These questions help you put what you see into words without having to label your relationship. That helps if you talk with an advocate or counselor.
Researchers have looked at how people tell abuse from ordinary conflict. DeHart and colleagues, in a 2010 study, had 131 undergraduates rate written scenarios. Behaviors were rated as more abusive when harm to the recipient was evident. The effects of pattern, relationship type, and social norms were less consistent. That is one reason the questions above ask what the behavior does to you. A 2010 clinical paper by James and MacKinnon notes that non-physical abuse can be mistaken for ordinary relationship conflict, or go unrecognized when there is no physical violence.
Some behavior is serious the first time. A threat to kill you, or a threat made while holding a weapon, is a safety concern even if it happens once. See When Is Your Life in Danger?
Who Uses Verbal Abuse?
Anyone can. People of every gender, age, income, culture, and sexual orientation use it, and people in every one of those groups receive it. See Are Abusers Typically Men? and Why Does Gender Bias Exist When Talking About Domestic Abuse? for why this site avoids assuming.
Someone who uses it at home may be polite, funny, or generous in public. People who have lived with it often describe this, and it is one reason they doubt themselves, since nobody else seems to see it. A pleasant public manner tells you nothing about private behavior.
What Do People Use Verbal Abuse to Get?
Whatever a person says they intend, verbal abuse tends to produce a set of results that favor the person using it. You adjust. You learn which subjects to avoid, which tone to use, and what not to ask for. You doubt yourself, so your own memory and judgment stop feeling reliable. Conversations turn into a review of what you did wrong, and disagreement costs enough that you stop raising it. Uncertainty makes objecting, telling someone, or leaving harder.
That is why I call verbal abuse a control tactic. The CDC’s definition of psychological aggression includes the intent to control a partner, and its measures of coercive control include keeping a person from their own money, trying to keep them from family and friends, and making decisions that shouldn’t have been theirs. Whether control is the person’s conscious aim or a result they have learned to rely on, it is what the behavior accomplishes. This is my reading, drawn from my own marriage and from what other survivors have told me.
When Does Verbal Abuse Happen?
There is no fixed pattern, but people who describe it often name the same moments: when they disagree, say no, ask a question the other person dislikes, spend time with someone else, succeed at something, or point out a problem. It often happens at home or in private, away from people whose opinion the person cares about.
It can come in bursts, after stress, drinking, or an argument, or it can run all the time as the ordinary way of speaking to you. In many relationships it alternates with calm or kindness, which can make the abusive stretches harder to name.
Stress, alcohol, and a bad day are often offered as explanations. They may be part of the picture. They do not explain why the words land on you, or why many people who use verbal abuse hold it back in front of a boss, a neighbor, or a stranger.
Why Do People Use Verbal Abuse?
There is no single answer. The CDC lists many factors linked to a higher likelihood of using partner violence. Among them are aggressive or delinquent behavior in youth, heavy alcohol and drug use, depression, anger and hostility, a history of abuse in childhood, attitudes that accept or justify aggression, and a desire for power and control in relationships. The CDC calls these risk factors, meaning patterns found across groups of people.
The sections below take on three questions: whether it is learned, whether it is on purpose, and whether the person is mentally ill. For the general question, see Why Do Abusers Abuse Other People?
Is Verbal Abuse Learned?
For many people, yes. Children who grow up around contempt, insults, and violence learn that this is how people treat those closest to them. The CDC lists witnessing violence between parents, poor parenting, and a history of physical or emotional abuse in childhood among the factors linked to later partner violence. A 2025 meta-analysis of 26 studies by Osborne and colleagues found that people exposed to violence in childhood had about twice the odds of emotionally abusing a partner as adults.
Many people who grew up around it never use it. A person who learned it is still responsible for what they choose to do now.
Is It on Purpose, or Ingrained?
Both can be true. A person can pick up a habit early and still choose to use it today. In my view, the clearest sign of choice is where it happens. Many people who use verbal abuse hold it back with a boss, a neighbor, or a stranger and use it at home. Not every outburst is planned in advance, but the behavior responds to consequences, so the person has some control over it.
Is the Person Mentally Ill or a Psychopath?
No. Mental illness is not what makes someone abusive. Research does link some conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and substance use, to a higher likelihood of partner violence across groups of people, but most people with those conditions never abuse a partner. Some people who use verbal abuse have a mental health condition or an addiction, and some do not. Neither gives anyone a pass, and treating either does not guarantee the abuse will end. These points come from the CDC’s list of risk factors and from an article by Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, for DomesticShelters.org.
Psychopathy and the personality disorders are clinical terms. A trained clinician can assess them with time and the person’s cooperation, and nobody can do it from inside a relationship. I also do not think the label helps you. A partner who is called a psychopath, a narcissist, or an ordinary person who learned a bad habit has still done what they did, and the label does not change what you need to stay safe or to recover.
The full answer, including addiction and treatment, is on Are Abusers Mentally Ill? If So, What Do I Do About It? See also My Abuser Has PTSD. What Do I Do?
How Common Is Verbal Abuse in Relationships?
It is common. The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey collected data from 15,609 US adults between September 2023 and September 2024. Lifetime, 30.2% of women and 22.3% of men reported psychological aggression from an intimate partner. In the 12 months before the survey, the figures were 3.4% of women and 2.5% of men.
The survey counts two kinds of psychological aggression. Expressive aggression means insulting, humiliating, or making fun of a partner in front of others. Coercive control and entrapment covers behavior meant to monitor, control, or threaten a partner, such as keeping a person from their own money, trying to keep them from family and friends, demanding to know where they are, and threatening to hurt them. Lifetime, 27.2% of women and 19.5% of men reported coercive control.
These figures cover psychological aggression, which includes verbal abuse along with other behavior. They come from a web survey of US adults.
What Does Verbal Abuse Do to a Person?
Verbal abuse can do serious damage, and the damage does not depend on a physical injury.
Dokkedahl and colleagues reviewed 194 studies of psychological violence between partners and pooled 149 of them in meta-analyses. They found strong associations with PTSD, depression, and anxiety, with the strongest link to PTSD.
A 2000 study by Coker and colleagues surveyed 1,152 women at family practice clinics in the US. Women who reported psychological abuse were more likely to report poor physical health and poor mental health. Psychological abuse was as strongly linked to most of the health problems studied as physical abuse was, including chronic pain, migraine, and digestive problems.
The CDC says partner violence in general can harm lifelong health, and it lists depression and PTSD symptoms among the effects for survivors.
In daily life, people describe second-guessing their memory, apologizing for things that were not their fault, watching every word they say, losing confidence, pulling away from friends, trouble sleeping, and feeling on edge. Not everyone has all of these, and some have other causes. If they sound like you, a doctor or counselor can help sort out what is going on.
Longer pages cover Verbal Abuse Symptoms In Long-Term Relationships, PTSD from Domestic Abuse, and Depression Symptoms Show the Effects of Domestic Abuse. If children live in the home, the research on how they are affected is on How Does Witnessing Domestic Abuse Affect Children?
Can Verbal Abuse Happen on Its Own, and Does It Get Worse?
Yes, it can stand alone, and it still counts. Verbal abuse can be the only form of abuse in a relationship for years. It does not need physical violence to hurt you, as the research above indicates.
It can also come with other forms of abuse. The CDC lists four types of intimate partner violence: physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression. They can occur together, and verbal abuse may accompany financial control, isolation from friends and family, physical violence, or sexual coercion.
And it can escalate. In some relationships, verbal abuse is followed by physical violence, or the threats and control increase over time. In others it does not. Nobody can tell from the words alone which way it will go, and this page cannot tell you. Whether or not it escalates, the verbal abuse is abuse.
Some signs call for immediate attention: strangulation (choking), threats to kill you, a weapon or access to a gun, being followed, watched, or tracked, forced sex, and violence that is getting worse or more frequent. A 2009 National Institute of Justice research summary lists threats to kill, earlier attempts to strangle, forced sex, escalating violence, a partner’s control over daily activities, stalking, and weapons among the markers linked to a higher risk of homicide. The research behind it drew mostly on women killed or nearly killed by partners in the US. If any of these are part of your situation, read When Is Your Life in Danger? and think about calling the hotline listed at the end of this page. An advocate there can go through your situation with you.
Is Verbal Abuse Against the Law?
Usually not by itself, and it depends on where you live. WomensLaw.org, a legal information site on abuse, says emotional and psychological abuse usually cannot be reported to the police on its own. Some behaviors that come with it, such as threats, harassment, and stalking, can be crimes, and the definitions vary by state.
Restraining orders are often hard to get on the basis of verbal or emotional abuse alone, because it is usually not a listed act, though some states allow orders for coercive control. WomensLaw advises describing specific actions, such as repeated unwanted calls or texts, threats, following or tracking, or destroying property, in terms that match your state’s legal definition.
Laws differ by state and country, and they change. An attorney can tell you how the law applies where you live. That a behavior is not a crime says nothing about whether it hurts.
What Can You Do If This Sounds Familiar?
You do not have to act today, and nothing here asks you to confront anyone or to leave. If you live with the person, think about safety first, because anything that changes how you act around them can change how they act toward you.
- Write down what happens. Record dates, what was said or done, and how it affected you, in your own words. Keep the notes where the other person cannot find them. Phones, shared computers, cloud accounts, automatic backups, printers, and photos can all be seen by someone with access, and no method of storage is completely secure. Notes help you see a pattern. They do not prove abuse or guarantee how anyone else will use them.
- Talk with someone who knows about abuse. A domestic violence advocate can help you look at what is happening and think through safety. The hotline listed below is free and confidential.
- Read at your own pace. Safety Planning for Domestic Abuse and Violence and First Steps For Abuse Victims cover what to consider before you change anything.
- Try a self-check. The Am I Abused? quiz is a place to begin. It cannot decide for you.
If you want a structured place to record incidents and look for patterns over time, the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is made for that. The privacy cautions above apply wherever you keep it.
If the abuse has ended, or you are working through what it left behind, see Overcoming Verbal Abuse in 5 Critical Steps. Recovery takes time, and that page is a place to start.
Why Is It Important for Everyone to Understand This?
Without a name for what is happening, it is easy to blame yourself. Naming verbal abuse changes how you read what happens to you, and it gives you words to use if you decide to talk with someone.
My ex-husband used verbal abuse to manipulate me almost every day of our 17 year marriage. Before I knew my ex-husband used verbal abuse to control me, I believed many of the things he said about and to me. I believed him. I also confused myself by trying to figure out where I went wrong instead of recognizing that he was wrong.
I’ve realized that part of the reason I didn’t know he abused me was because I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to me. Being able to name my abuser’s verbal abuse tactics was my first step to freedom.
~Kellie Holly
Common Questions
Is verbal abuse domestic violence?
The CDC counts psychological aggression as one of four types of intimate partner violence, along with physical violence, sexual violence, and stalking. Legal definitions of domestic violence differ, so the legal answer depends on where you live.
Is the silent treatment verbal abuse?
It can be, when it is used to punish you or force you to give in, and when it repeats. A person who goes quiet to calm down and then comes back to talk is doing something different.
Can men be verbally abused?
Yes. In the CDC’s 2023/2024 survey, 22.3% of men reported psychological aggression from an intimate partner in their lifetimes. See Are Abusers Typically Men?
Can someone verbally abuse a partner without meaning to?
People can say hurtful things without planning to, and one hurtful remark does not make someone abusive. A repeated pattern that continues after you have said it hurts is different. Your experience of it does not depend on what the person says they meant.
Want More?
- Learn Examples of Verbal Abuse
- Discover Things Abusers Say and Do
- Read True Stories of Abuse
- Read books by Patricia Evans
- See the Vocabulary of Abuse Books that helped me.
If You Need to Talk to Someone
In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day, every day. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Message and data rates may apply to texts. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Outside the United States, contact your local domestic violence service or emergency number.
If the person using abuse can see your phone or computer, they may see that you visited a site or made a call. The Hotline’s website notes that internet use can be monitored and suggests calling if you are concerned. The site has a quick-exit button (the red X in the upper-right corner), and pressing Escape twice also exits. A device the other person has never had access to is safer than a shared one.
Sources and Notes
This page draws on the sources below, checked on October 8, 2026. A note under a source says what it covers and what it leaves out. For several papers, the findings come from the authors’ abstracts and not the full text. The hotline details were checked at thehotline.org on the same day.
Research
Osborne, Munasinghe, and Page, 2025. The Intergenerational Transmission of Emotional Intimate Partner Violence: a Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Journal of Family Violence.
Note: Most of the 26 studies were rated at moderate or high risk of bias, and the measures of childhood exposure covered family violence broadly. The result describes groups of people. It cannot say whether any one person who grew up around violence will abuse a partner.
Dokkedahl and colleagues, 2022. The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: a systematic review with meta-analyses. Systematic Reviews, 11, 163.
Note: The authors rated most of the included studies as low quality. Most were cross-sectional, and most included only women. The review shows that PTSD, depression, and anxiety occur together with psychological violence. It cannot show that one causes the other.
Williams, Richardson, Hammock, and Janit, 2012. Perceptions of physical and psychological aggression in close relationships: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17, 489-494.
Note: This review covers how people perceive aggression. It does not measure harm directly.
DeHart, Follingstad, and Fields, 2010. Does Context Matter in Determining Psychological Abuse? Effects of Pattern, Harm, Relationship, and Norms. Journal of Family Violence, 25, 461-474.
Note: Undergraduate students rated written scenarios. The results show how that group judged those scenarios and do not describe people living in real relationships.
James and MacKinnon, 2010. The Tip of the Iceberg: A Framework for Identifying Non-Physical Abuse in Couple and Family Relationships. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 22, 112-129.
Note: A framework paper for clinicians. It does not report rates or outcomes.
Coker, Smith, Bethea, King, and McKeown, 2000. Physical Health Consequences of Physical and Psychological Intimate Partner Violence. Archives of Family Medicine, 9, 451-457.
Note: One clinic-based study of women in the US, published in 2000. It shows a direction and does not describe every person.
US Government, Legal, and Advocacy Sources
National Institute of Justice, 2009. Practical Implications of Current Domestic Violence Research. NIJ Special Report, June 2009.
Note: The studies it summarizes mostly looked at women killed or nearly killed by partners in the US. They describe patterns across groups and cannot predict what any one person’s partner will do. Not seeing these signs in your situation does not mean you are safe.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2023/2024 Intimate Partner Violence Data Brief.
Note: A web survey of US adults with a 16.5% response rate. The figures cover psychological aggression in general, which includes verbal abuse. The CDC’s categories differ from those in its 2010 report, so these numbers should not be compared with older ones to claim a trend.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Intimate Partner Violence. Last reviewed August 19, 2026.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Violence. Last reviewed February 8, 2024.
Note: The CDC states that these risk factors may or may not be direct causes. They describe groups of people and cannot tell you whether any one person will use abuse.
StopBullying.gov. What Is Bullying. Last reviewed October 7, 2024.
US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Harassment.
WomensLaw.org. Emotional and Psychological Abuse: Is emotional and psychological abuse against the law? Can I report it or get a restraining order? Updated July 14, 2025.
Fontes, Lisa Aronson, 2024. Abuse Cannot Be Blamed on Alcoholism or Mental Illness. DomesticShelters.org. Dated February 21, 2024; the page says it was first published in 2017.
Note: A general-audience article, not a study. It cites research without giving figures, and its statements about treatment outcomes come mostly from the author and one practitioner she quotes.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. thehotline.org.