I am not willing to blame what I don’t like about myself on any abusive relationships I have tolerated during my lifetime. My marriage has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive; although that fact is saddening, it is not a “reason” to continue cultivating the bad habits and faults I’ve developed in response to it. It is not okay to stay the way was the day I realized my relationship was abusive. In fact, most of the conflict following that day has been due to my effort to change.
First, I wanted to change my husband. Then, I wanted to change our relationship. Now, I only want to change myself.
I want to change…
- How I take care of myself, physically, mentally, & emotionally (I like the spiritual path I’m on!)
- How I view my “place” in the world, my nation, my community, my family, and my marriage
- My thoughts concerning “what is possible” for me and my family
- My marriage by changing myself into the person I want to be
- My fitness level, my body, and my “look”
- My preconceived ideas about what I “should” be doing and work on what I can do – what I think is best, even when it takes energy I’m not sure I have
In short, there are many many many things I hope to change. And I’m scared.
Yes, I’m scared of change itself, but what I’m really afraid of is that my idea of what my future will look like is not possible. What if some of the people I love don’t want to be with me in the end? What if my “perfect future” doesn’t include everyone that I love? What if I have to let them go in order to be happy? What if I change so much that they don’t love me anymore?
The word “selfish” keeps running around in my mind. I think I’ve been called selfish so often that it’s hard to know when I’m being selfish and when I’m being true to myself.