Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Today is the Day!

Yes, Will returns home today. I hope to find him changed for the better. I am different, but I am not certain he will see it that way.

Yesterday I pulled out the Tarot cards, asking for guidance. A spiritual “heads-up!”, if you will. I look at that Tarot as a tool to help me pull out the words of my soul so my brain can hear them. I asked for some points of advice and tips to remember for the next seven days.

First thing I noticed was that not one of the cards was an “emotion” card. My gut feeling told me that this was important. My emotions are not to rule me. I can definitely FEEL them, but I should run them past the brain and ask some questions before I act. Questions like, “Kellie, is this feeling a result of what is happening right now or is it a residual feeling from something similar from your past?”

If the answer to that question is “Residual,” then it is wise to NOT DO anything until I think further.

Another key concept has to do with hope and trust. I do want to believe Will when he says he wants to “work on” our relationship. I want to believe he wants us both to heal. However, the statement “Trust, but verify,” (Ronald Reagan) kept running through my head. It’s important to hope and trust in Will right now. He needs to know I’m here to heal, too. However, I am to look for specific actions on his part to back up his words.

If he goes to counselling and comes home with new skills, if he catches himself or respects me when I say, “Stop that…”, or similar stuff, then I do indeed have reason to hope. However, if he explodes after 5 days for some reason and justifies his behavior with more yelling and abuse, well then, the verification process points in another direction.

Half of the cards in the reading pointed toward enhanced communication. It is my responsibility to communicate from a position of SELF. This idea gives a nod to boundaries, but I must also remember that acting after thinking, speaking after thinking – those things are vitally important. Will has been subject to my internal “shoulds” regarding what I think he should do in the past. He’s in the dark about what I want and expect because I’ve been focused on trying to do whatever ends the conflict instead of what is best for me.

The only card that dealt with external workings (writing, blogging, drawing, journalling…housekeeping ugh!) was a suggestion to use my creative ideas as an outlet. When I am unsure what to communicate to Will, I can vomit my emotions onto a piece of paper. This will help me to get to the heart of the matter, to a point of clearer-thinking.

So, my number one goal this week is to blog each and every day. I’ll be doing journalling and writing and drawing too, but I feel writing about it HERE is a goal I can accomplish. One I want to accomplish.

So, I go to pick him up in (yikes!) an hour and a half! I’m going to go make myself look pretty, which I like to do. I’m also gearing up to keep a close record of events, good and bad, which I don’t like to do, but it is necessary in order to keep a clear head.