I just found some song lyrics that help me express my feelings as I head into Will’s homecoming. They’re written by 5 Finger Death Punch and are from the song “Never Enough“.
…”
I’d rather you hate me
For everything I am
Than have you love me
For something that I can’t [be?]“…
I feel like I’ve lived with Will for years without ever taking off his mask while steadily painting my own face to appear to him as someone he could love.
I applied grease paint to my face, then removed what didn’t look right to him and reapplied the make-up until my face was a clouded, smeared, greasy mess – unrecognizable and twisted – hopefully reflecting back to him a wife he wanted to love.
But it was never enough.
The past 10 months have given me the opportunity to remove the make-up from my own face.
The lyrics from “Never Enough” express my desire for honesty. I would rather him hate me for who I am than love me for someone I’ll never be.
This entry is one day out of the journal I kept while I was still in the marriage. The whole thing, in order, is the book: My Abusive Marriage . . . and what i’m doing in it. Or read the first pages if you want to see whether it’s for you.