Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.


“…Jesus had been known to become angry when something was wrong. ” ~ (part of) Kathy’s comment to When is it okay for me to be angry?

Yep. Jesus threw a down and out hissy fit in the temple. I have always found that story comforting. It goes to show that ANGER isn’t something to deny.

Shoot, God (back in the day before Christ) had a temper, too. He drowned a bunch of people in a flood and rained holy hellfire down on a couple cities, turning a woman to salt for glancing back at the turmoil. God (once upon a time before He had a Son who taught Him to think before murderously acting on His divine anger) was hell on wheels.


Here’s the thing. I don’t want to use my anger to destroy anyone.

In the past, I’ve expressed my anger in one of two ways. Either I acted out passively aggressively OR I acted out in an (almost) murderous rage.

Neither response has done ANY good, nor has it created any good. Both responses destroy relationships and trust.

So, a better question to ask is “How and when do I express my anger?”

This thing I’m feeling angry about has history. Kathy, you also asked, “By the way, did you marry a drunk? I’m just wondering.” The answer to that is yes, I did marry a drunk.

Like you, Kathy, I was also wondering in the beginning. I didn’t grasp that he was a drunk until later. So the anger I’m feeling goes back a LONG way.

In the past regarding alcoholic episodes, I’ve either turned into a raving lunatic or refused to do nice things for him. Neither has worked. So the HOW part of the question is kicking me in the ass. I’m not sure I know HOW to express this deep-seated anger for this very current event.

Also, the WHEN part of the question is turning out to be tricky. I didn’t want to do it when I was extremely upset because I wanted to control my words (and temper). I wanted to talk to him while I was cooking dinner tonight, but he was having fun with our kids. I want to go grab him up now, but he’s on his second drink and I’m not certain how he would react to my “complaining”. I’m thinking I’ll do it in therapy tomorrow, but it is hard to wait.

Kathy, you also reminded me that my husband is a grown-up, saying “If he is making decisions for himself, then why are you not making decisions for yourself and your son?” Kathy, my ire raised at this question and I think I know why: I’m doing the best I can right now, with the intention to do better every new day.

Therapy for my son is my decision. My son doesn’t like it and my husband doesn’t support it. I take him anyway. My son, in my opinion, needs a person whom he is not rebelling against to help him right now.  We’ve all been through the wringer. My sons have both been living in the wringer for their entire lives.

I have no idea how to TEACH them how to be better men without using their father as an anti-example. I don’t know how to SAVE them or make AMENDS for their past experience at the same time as I am fighting to understand how I got into it in the first place and what to do now that I see the truth.

You said, “I am just hoping that you will open your eyes and your heart and see things for what they really are.” To reassure you, and maybe to reassure myself, I do know a few truths of my situation.

  • My husband is an alcoholic. He isn’t ready to face this and may never face it.
  • My husband is abusive. He hasn’t taken responsibility for any of the pain he’s inflicted, still doesn’t see his behavior as anything more than an anger problem, and he may never apologize for a damn thing.
  • I am not blind to the abuse anymore. Being able to see it, to name it, makes it more painful, not less.
  • I am not ready to leave him right now because (1) I do not believe that I can make it on my own yet although I do have a plan, and (2)I am not going to betray my marriage vows to “escape” but find myself in another set of problems that I’ve never dealt with before.

In short, the Devil I know is better than the one I don’t. For now.

For now, my husband is going to therapy with me. We’ve been to this therapist only once, so it’s hard to say if she is going to be able to do anything to help.

My husband also requested (and as far as we know, has received) a position where he will not be going on any military deployments for at least a year. This was a tough thing for him to do, and I see effort and sacrifice on his part.

He says he wants to make this work. Of course, I’ve heard that before, and trickery is always a tool of the devil I know.

Kathy, thank you for your comment and I know you want to help. I wish that I could open my “eyes and your heart and see things for what they really are” from your perspective. I’m sure it all looks much clearer from where you are.

As it is, I have only my own eyes and heart to trust, and they’re not ready to give up yet.