Right now, I am questioning my own darkness.
I know that I have tried to hurt Will before. I know he likes a clean house, so I would let it fall to hell. I know he likes me to serve him food so I stopped doing it. One time recently, I even tried to make him mad – on purpose! There have been times where I wished I were more like how I perceive Will to be. I have wished I could somehow learn what he was doing so I could do it back to him.
I always feel horrible about it.
Wait. Let me clarify that. There was a time when I didn’t know I was doing it. I didn’t feel horrible about it then because I was acting out in the only way that came naturally to me. Since I’ve learned about co-dependence, I’ve been able to see how my passive-aggressiveness was a form of manipulation. It certainly didn’t work well, but it was my attempt to gain control. If Will came by his aggression naturally, then I certainly came by my passive-aggression naturally. I knew passive-aggression as an acceptable means to handle my anger. I grew up with it, accepted it and never questioned it because it was what the people who I loved modeled for me.
There are reasons people like Will and I get together. We complement one another perfectly. We’re two opposite ends of the same spectrum, both as harmful as the other is emotionally or mentally. Will’s bad luck of the draw is that aggressive people get physical. When Will and I first got together, we both had the same traits as we do now. But our deficiencies weren’t as pronounced; they were easier to ignore and forgive. But neither one of us wanted to take responsibility for our own feelings. We wanted the other to make us feel better. Over time, our anger at one another for not making us feel better led to button pushing. Every time I pushed his button, he inched further toward aggression. Every time he pushed my button, I inched further toward passive-aggression.
Now, the distance between us is insurmountable. There has been so much pain, too much pain.
I am working my way toward the center of the spectrum. Sometimes it seems like a slow crawl, and other days I seem to teleport with ease. This weekend has seen my slow crawl. The exchange with Ramona brought out feelings that I thought were confined to Will’s behavior, but they aren’t. I am healthier when it comes to Will because he is the obvious perpetrator, but I realize that my co-dependent passive-aggressive behavior is not limited to Will. A part of me wants to bring Ramona over to my side because to do so would hurt Will.
Her appearance on Facebook and on this blog took me by surprise, and the language she used sent me spiraling backward into my darkness. She is right in saying the last post is how I see her family.
Growing Up Co-Dependent focuses on mine. Neither family is healthy.
One family has an outward appearance of aggression, and one has an inward expression of aggression. But the language I used in the posts is different. I am much more forgiving of my family than I am of Will’s. His family acts hostile toward me. I do not feel comfortable around them, and I learned to distrust them.
I passive-aggressively lashed out at you, Ramona, with that post, and I am ashamed of myself. I thought about taking it down, trying to make it seem like it never happened, but I won’t. This blog is a record of my journey, and to ignore my mistakes or pretend I don’t make them at this point would be more shameful than making the mistake. I do apologize, Ramona, for adding fuel to this fire and I promise you, I will overcome the nasty habit that is mine and mine alone.
Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage … and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly