Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

I Feel Their Past Present Future

Do you ever get the feeling that a mother knows all, sees all, and feels all that is possible for her children? When I hold my boys I feel their past, present and future. When they were tiny I would nurse them and trace their tiny faces with my finger praying I would never forget that exact moment. When I hold them now I pray I’ll never forget this exact moment.

How they feel, how they smell, how they breathe. And I pray that they will always be just what they are now – wonderful, kind, generous, smart and pure. That when they are grown-up men, they will pray the same for their own kids.

I had to write tonight because tomorrow is Marc’s first real day of school. The bus is whisking him away and he will be gone all day. He will learn to be himself and to be proud of himself – the hardest is being proud of himself because that means making choices and choices can be so hard. Some choices are so simple, but the other kinds of choices make is who we are to become. And it hurts me because I have to let him do it.

I prayed that I have taught him in the past short five years most of what he needs to know. The basics that he will fine-tune for himself. And I am looking forward to some alone time with Eddie. That will be something he is not used to!

I remember spending time with Marc before Eddy came and wondering how I could ever love another child like I did my first. I thought there may be no more room. But that was a strange thing. Love doesn’t fit inside your heart – it makes your heart grow.

Even though it is hard to see Marc grow so quickly, now I get a chance to stay home alone with Eddie, and I am happy for that. I guess when they are teenagers I will have to sneak in their rooms and hold them while they’re sleeping so I can remember that moment forever too.

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