Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Happiness Makes Me Trust Him Too Much

She's ecstatically happy, jumping in the air with her back to her abuser. Happiness lets me trust him too much, too.

It’s late, and I promised myself a more normal schedule, so I’m headed to bed. BUT I also promised myself I’d post daily, so I’m racking my brain for something worthwhile to write.

Worthwhile to whom? you may ask. Well, since “you” may or may not be here at all, I guess I’m looking for something worthwhile to write FOR ME.

I think that I’ll mention two good things. Typically, the “good stuff” isn’t “worthwhile” because I have a bad habit of NOT letting myself be happy about even the tiniest thing. Unless it’s a kitten, pretty sunrise or some other bit of God’s bounty shared with lil’ ol’ me.

On the whole, anything good that happens TO me doesn’t qualify as a reason to talk, write, or even think about it for very long. I have a history of depriving myself of good moments because there’s always so much that I need to “fix” (read: stuff that isn’t good gets most of my attention).

I’m stalling because I’m concerned about whether “you” will consider these things good or not…. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to matter so much. They gave me moments of peace and joy, so here they are:

I’m Not Leaving the Marriage

I told my husband that I wasn’t going to leave, and he is utterly relieved and overjoyed about it. “I can’t tell you how happy I am about your decision,” he said yesterday. I am kind of in a joyful shock at his reaction. He didn’t say, “You made me happy.” He said that he is happy about my decision. The verbiage is not normal for him, and “not normal” is exactly what I’m looking for.

Along with telling him about my decision, I also told him that my staying doesn’t mean that I’m going to go along as usual. I told him that I have a safety plan. I said that I got to decide when/if I felt threatened, and whether he thought I “should” feel threatened or not didn’t matter. I also mentioned that he could expect to continue seeing changes in me and in the way I relate to him and our boys.

Anyway, I am not being bossy or “laying down the law.” How he reacts to me and how he honors or dishonors our vows is still on him…I’m done trying to covertly dictate what he should and shouldn’t do. Instead, I’m going to react to his choices in ways that are healthy for me.

I guess that is a two-parter. I’m happy about what he said to me, and I’m proud of myself for the way I told him I was staying.

I Didn’t Have a Blow-Out with My Son

The second thing I’m happy about is that Marc and I did NOT revert to yelling and screaming at one another today during a conversation that usually would have ended up that way. I’m optimistically hoping that the way I handled a conflict YESTERDAY had an influence on today, and that even though I didn’t go “by the book” yesterday, the method I chose was nonetheless effective.

funny face

So, two good things in as many days. I’m not deluding myself that I will always be successful, but I am growing more confident that I am capable of reacting and acting in a healthy manner. I also expect more conflicts to arise with both my husband and my son…but that’s okay. It took us a long time to get HERE, but it doesn’t have to take nearly that long to get better, healthier. I’m willing to suffer setbacks because I know they will offer me the opportunity to fine-tune myself.

It feels weird to explain why I’m happy instead of why I’m sad. I don’t know if I “like” it, but I think I can get comfortable with it in time. Isn’t that funny? Not knowing if I “like” writing about happy stuff? I guess I’ve spent so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop that I haven’t allowed myself the luxury of happiness.

I think that being happy is harder than being sad. It seems more fleeting and less dependable than heartache. But I can feel it now, and that is a turn for the better!

I do think it’s remarkable that these two happy situations came to pass just when I needed them most. I think my angels are hard at work to provide me with reasons to continue. Thank you, ANGELS!

Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage . . . and what i’m doing in it by Kellie Jo Holly (or preview the book now).

Featured image by Mohamed Nohassi