I was off in thought today, considering what my husband, who says he reads this blog, thinks of it. At first he was really pissed off about it and asked me not to use his name or pictures because of military confidentiality concerns. So I blurred his face and changed his name to Will. I thought “Will” was fitting because his will is the only one that counts.
I inwardly hoped that the real reason for his wanting his name changed was embarrassment. If he was embarrassed, then maybe he could see A LITTLE BIT of what I said as true. Maybe there was A LITTLE hope for positive change.
He also told me that by using my real name, I opened the door for trouble for him. Will is sometimes in dangerous situations that I know nothing about – it’s the nature of his job in the military to be smack dab in the thick of things. If captured, he’s authorized to give the enemy his name, rank and social security number but nothing else.
Have you ever googled anyone? From that little bit of information, the enemy could theoretically pull up information about Will (of which there is very little). BUT, by googling him, the enemy COULD, if they’re good, find information about Will’s family. Armed with pictures of me and the boys, the addresses of our schools and homes, even phone numbers from the online white pages, the enemy could find many many ways to torture my husband.
“We’ll go to your home. Rape and kill your wife. Sodomize and murder your boys. We have the power – so tell us what you know and nothing bad will happen to them.” And in his sleep and food deprived state, possibly injured moderately or severely, he may believe them.
I know what you’re thinking (maybe)…bullshit. It’s the same thing a part of me thinks. HOWEVER, he has received intensive training (no, I don’t know if he’s been waterboarded) both in how to interrogate and how to resist interrogation. I do not want to add to his “discomfort” should he fall into enemy hands. And, god forbid the enemy does have the power to come to my home. That, my friends, would truly suck.
So, here I am with a fake name telling the truth about my recovery from verbal and emotional abuse. At least, I hope this all turns out to be my recovery from abuse. It would also really suck if this blog turned out to be a primer on “How to See the Light at the end of the Tunnel, but Flip the Switch Off Yourself.”