Turning Inward: Trying to Fix What Isn’t Broken

“While I know well the wish to somehow make things work, obsessively turning inward, demanding of our selves a new or better way to end the abuse, in actuality we are ‘allying with the abuser’ and abusing ourselves. This unholy alliance is what keeps the abuse going — his infiltration of our thoughts and feelings, his commandeering them to ‘fall in line’ with his tyrannical plan. “Our obsessive turning inward is what keeps the alliance intact.” ~ (Read Martha’s full comment – I recommend it!)

Martha’s brilliant observation that “Our obsessive turning inward is what keeps the alliance intact” is true. The longer he is able to keep me inside myself chasing ghosts, the more secure and worthy he feels. There’s no threat of a weak and broken woman walking out on him. No threat of a woman unable to provide for herself walking away. As long as I doubt every single skill I possess that creates beauty and value in this world, I am impotent against his brutal verbal, emotional and mental attacks. Turning inward to figure out how I can end the abuse is a tragic misuse of time and energy. I have spent many years trustingly honoring his opinion and turning inward to fix the glitch in me.

• I tried to learn how to argue “logically” because he said my emotions take over and I don’t make sense.
• I’ve tried to learn to not cry when I’m angry because that pisses him off.
• I’ve invested in books to teach me how to be a more loving wife.
• I’ve taken courses and self-guided study programs to cure my spending habits, sexual issues, daddy-complex, and more issues he’s diagnosed for me.
• I’ve agonized and journaled over my “shortcomings” without considering the fact that the man diagnosing me DESPISES psychology in any form. He relies on “common sense” (his, of course) to proclaim what should be painfully obvious to me.

In short, I’ve turned inward to discover why I’m not the wife he imagined me to be. Tell me, … is it even possible to fix something in myself that he imagines to be there? This eternal inward inspection of and for the evil-natured traits he assigns to me is his smoke-screen. While I am digging in, he is free to do and say and be everything he chooses. So long as he’s got me doubting myself, at least there will be no chance of me realizing that amid all the crap I carry, there is more to be cherished than abhorred. So long as I’m “fixing” what isn’t broken, I’m not being ME; instead, I’m pretending to be the broken woman he describes. That is not going to happen anymore. However, out of habit I think, I do fall into malignant reveries in which I doubt myself and fear the future. The downward cycle of turning inward because he proclaims that I’m broken is, I pray, OVER. After his homecoming, I may accidentally turn inward to fix myself as if something I’m doing is causing the abuse.  I am hoping this doesn’t happen, but old habits die hard. I think it would be foolish of me to expect perfection from myself. However, as Tiffany commented, I can expect greatness. I expect that I will quickly observe the changes taking place in my mind and heart. They won’t feel “right” or “comfortable” any longer. I expect that I will seek to dislodge myself from fantasy, observing outside of myself for a moment to discover the cause of distress. I expect I will say to myself, “That ol’ buggaboo! He almost got you, Kellie!” and then detach from the horribleness of it all. I expect that the next time it happens, it won’t take me so long to disengage. I am done turning inward to fix something he imagines to be broken.

Related entry: Beauty.