Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Moody Depressed Alone

I’ve been so moody and depressed lately that I’ve been terrible. I either am so deeply in love with Will that I can’t see, or else he is irritating the shit out of me. [*Our abusive cycle moved quickly from abuse to honeymoon.]

He isn’t doing anything different, I am different. I hate it. [*Actually, he was different – the abuse increased, but he insisted “You knew who I was when you married me! I haven’t changed!” I was changing too. I was angry and sad and depressed and yelled at him right back. This was very unnatural for me, and I didn’t like it.]

The only good thing (besides the baby) about this whole thing is my boobs are bigger – but even they’ll be gone in a year!

I can’t wait until I start to show. Something to take my mind off of my swollen feet, aching belly, headaches and moodiness.

Well, I’m thirsty now. I’ll write more later.

February 23, 1993

Well, I’ve been sick for 5 1/2 days now. Three of them with fever. The baby is okay though. I heard his heartbeat a week ago. I really don’t feel like writing, but I don’t feel like sketching either.

[*Depressed feelings beginning: losing interest in my passions…]

Will is doing well. We are getting along fine, but he is a terrible nurse. He just isn’t used to taking care of anyone but himself, I guess.

I also need to know how to keep him home, or rather, get him home on time. Every time he goes somewhere by himself, he stops by [his friend’s] room. For a beer. And then doesn’t come home.

Why? How do I get him to stop? Why doesn’t he treat me the way he expects me to act?

[*Typical abusive behavior – there’s no equality, no respect.]

He said that he “lost track of time.” Today, I made him buy a watch. It hurts me so much for him to always want to be somewhere else. Is this what it’s going to be like after the baby is born? It isn’t the type of behavior I expect from a loving, honest husband. Depressed. Depressing.

He’s late again tonight, but has a good reason, I’m sure. I can’t stand it! Sometimes I want to do the same things to him so he knows exactly how I feel. He has a lot more to think about than himself.

What am I supposed to do? I want to beat him up and cry the whole time. I hope he comes around before I come apart.

[see “Coming Apart” artwork]

March 28, 1993

Will had a party yesterday because his battle buddy was here. He hasn’t even thanked me for spending five hours in the kitchen. Today I took the day off. I might iron my uniform later.

I get more and more angry with Will every day. He drives me crazy and then doesn’t want to know why. He just tunes me out and doesn’t listen at all. I feel so depressed.

[*He didn’t want to hear me unless it was something in which he found interest. In the late stages of our marriage, we spoke mainly about the kids, finances, and the house, and most of our communication involved anger and tears.]

I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.

this post is an excerpt from Kellie Jo Holly's book