You can’t make your abuser abuse you. The responsibility for abusing falls directly on the shoulders of the perpetrator, not the victim. Yet so many victims (me too!) want to somehow make the abuse “our fault”. I think that I wanted to accept responsibility for the abuse because if I caused it, then I could end it.
Sadly, accepting responsibility for problems we are not responsible for cannot fix the problem. Trying to fix a problem that doesn’t belong to you is codependency.
I didn’t cause my husband to be abusive. I can’t make him change. During the days when I took responsibility for his actions, then he was able to act that way consequence free. Now that I changed my reaction to his abuse, there are natural consequences for him. (Admittedly, natural consequences can make him more dangerous.)
But despite what the abuser says, you cannot make them abuse you. You cannot make them act any certain way. If you could make them act a certain way, you’d make them be nice. The abuser is responsible for the abuse.
Setting personal boundaries helps you to remember that fact.
Steve submitted a testimonial of his abusive experience. Steve mentions that he is in the “personal responsibility” stage as it pertains to his abusive marriage.
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