Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Gotta Raise

measuring tape

A few days ago, my boss gave me a tape measure with my name written on it in permanent marker. I was so darn happy to see that thing – such a simple thing, yet it caused me so much joy! My name in permanent marker on a tape measure. Go figure.

So anyway, today she gave me a raise! I was so surprised I started jumping up and down and then realized I didn’t have on the proper bra for heavy jumping, and composed myself.

measuring tapeNo, I don’t make a lot of money, but when I’m careful, I’ll make “enough”. I’ve got some big dreams and hopes that need financing, and minimum wage plus a quarter/hour isn’t going to cut it. Nevertheless, I feel at home at this job. I love the people, I love the work.

In fact, I find wood-working  very sensual. I absolutely turn myself on at work!  I am wondering if it’s the wood and the work, or if I’m just horny all the time! Oh well. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. But if I’m 95 years old and own a woodworking/refinishing business, you’ll know why.

Speaking of being, um, sensually-minded, I am finding freedom in this area too. With Will, the sexual aspects of our relationship were stale. He is a very attractive guy, when we did have sex I could imagine better times. But now, it feels like someone tore off my blinders. I inhibited my sexuality to fit into the mold 18 years of marriage created. There was no fun, no joy… Sex’s goal was to reach the end, the happy place, and the enjoyment of feeling along for the ride WITH him was lacking.

Not only his fault. It was both of our faults.

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Awhile ago, running through my mind was the thought, “I wonder if sex would be better now, since we’re separated…?” My therapist told me lots of people wonder how sex would be with their ex after divorce. She said that she’d save me the trouble of finding out on my own – “It’s NO different.”  That’s good to know. It saves me some grief.

One downside to being sensually oriented these days is that I’m single. That’s a snag. I was married, so if I had gone through this awakening THEN, I imagine Will and I could have pressed on. Maybe made another year of it. I’m glad that didn’t happen on so many levels!

But hey, I get to work with wood all day. That’s enough for now.