Last night, Will blew up about my callousness in choosing my and the boys’ mental health and welfare over his career. He got ugly, but I stood up and said, “That’s it. I’m done with this conversation,” and remarkably, he pretty much quit (maybe because the boys were in the room). For whatever reason, he stopped the tirade.
It was obvious that he hadn’t heard my concerns. How could he consider what I’d said when he immediately started yelling about his career? Telling me that it wasn’t my career both highlighted the fact that I don’t have one (so I’m not as valuable as he?) and saying his career was more important than all else, a direct reversal from a previous conversation we’ve had.
Instead of engaging him because I felt a need to defend myself, I made it clear that I wasn’t discussing it further. The incident that could have been 100 times worse faded.
Later when he sat on the couch and removed his boots, laughing at a silly thing on TV, I put my hand on his thigh to get his attention. I told him that how he handles this situation with the Army and with me will show me how serious he is about getting help and fixing our marriage.
He said, “That’s why I’m going to marriage counseling AND whatever the Army tells me to do.” I told him I appreciated that effort, but marriage counseling and group therapy wasn’t going to help if he didn’t address the demons he has within himself. I told him (again) that I was addressing my own demons and willing to take responsibility for my part in our trouble, but I wasn’t the only one who needed to work. I needed to know he was serious.
Now here’s the kicker. Will said, “I don’t have these “demons” you think I do. I don’t have any problems. You are the only person in the world who has ever said there is something wrong with me.”
What?!
But, instead of asking anything or rolling my eyes or sighing heavily, I said, “And that attitude, the one that says you are perfect above reproach, is one of the major problems I’m talking about. No one is perfect.”
Perhaps because the boys were still in the room, he did not respond.
