Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

The Boys & The Abuser as Primary Custodian

I don't understand the judge's decision to make the abusive parent the primary custodian. Despite that setback, I am confident my boys and I will spend more time together than the court mandates.

I am SO HAPPY to have my boys with me right now. Will is “primary” parent right now, but he allowed me to bring the boys home with me last night and they will stay with me through Sunday. Will swears we’ll do the same cycle over again until we get back into court on May 11th, at least.

I don't understand the judge's decision to make the abusive parent the primary custodian. Despite that setback, I am confident my boys and I will spend more time together than the court mandates.Will isn’t happy with the judge’s arrangement either. He gets no weekends under the new temporary order. And he’s not back in the house yet, but seeing that I don’t WANT to stay here, he’ll be back in it soon. The judge already let it be known that the “primary” parent doesn’t necessarily “get” the house, too.

I was wrong in my prior post – the fat lady hasn’t sung YET.

However, while she’s warming up for her final number, I’ll try to not worry about the courts and simply be grateful that my boys are with me as much as they are. It simply cannot stand this way. I have hope and I have fight left in me to see this thing through to the end. And if Will turns out to be manipulating me with his statements about maybe dating me again after all this bullshit is over, I won’t be surprised. I’m not going to let his generous actions concerning visitations and soothing words concerning our future woo me away from what is right and just – in my mind.

If he isn’t willing to negotiate fairly with me, I’ll throw myself on the mercy of the court. I’m not giving in on the things I believe in. Namely, the boys need their mother in their lives, and I deserve at LEAST half of the month’s days/overnights with them. Shared custody at the very least. (BTW, I did not lose any “legal” custody of my children; joint legal custody remains in place. What changed was physical custody.)

I have not had the opportunity to speak with the judge. When my attorney requested affidavits attesting to my mothering, I did not write one in my own behalf. I thought it would be silly to write an affidavit for myself; I thought it look like I was attempting to go “behind the scenes” and sway the judge. My attorney didn’t tell me to write one for myself, so I didn’t. I preferred to have those who know me attest to my abilities. Will did write one for himself, but I didn’t read it.

I started reading Will’s father’s affidavit, but when I got to a point in which his dad said something about me that, at the time it happened, never ever left his lips, I quit reading. I am not going to subject myself to any more lies about who I am as interpreted by people who love Will.

[sigh] Unless my attorney requires me to read them.

At the beginning of this post, I related that I was happy the boys are with me, and I am. The delicate “peace” could be taken out from under me tonight, if Will wanted, seeing that he gets to make the call on visitations. So, my happiness is genuine, but so is the unease and distrust in their father. I am able to “be” happy with them despite the undercurrents of doubt running through my heart. My only comfort is that Will told the boys the plan; if he breaks it, then he breaks their hearts.

If nothing else, this experience is teaching me to take NO ONE for granted. I’ve been the primary caregiver of my babies since the day each of them were born. It’s what I do above all other callings. And now I am faced with custody issues that I cannot understand, threatened with having my precious time with them cut short.

I will never ever look at “me time” or any activity that diverts my attention from the faces of my boys EVER again without KNOWING that the diversion is robbing me of precious time with my boys. If I have to sit right beside them watching their programming, watching their game play, watching them watch the cats, or whatever it is they’re doing…I will do so with interest. I will be more available than ever before. NOTHING takes priority over being with my children during every possible moment that they are with me.

I took them for granted in a lot of ways. The comfort of being their mother day in and day out allowed me to believe I would always be with them. I’ll NEVER take them for granted again.

More Posts About Domestic Violence with Children: