Despite the heartache involved in separating from my husband, I am noticing something else that has always been present but that I ignored. Any one day has in it beautiful moments.
On Friday, I received a phone call from Marc. We talked about something important and things not so important, but we didn’t talk about “this”. We didn’t talk about how we were feeling or what we thought of the future. We laughed and I smiled. My phone told me I’d spoken to him for 32 minutes and 11 seconds, but for a little while, time wasn’t important. It was as long as it needed to be.
It didn’t matter where he was or where I was; it didn’t matter what has happened in the past nor what may happen in the future.
I was happy.
Later in the day, I picked up Eddie from school and drove to pick up his friends for an overnight. I haven’t had “boys” in this house since the end of January due to weekends spent at Dad’s house. I heard them talk and laugh and checked on them without them knowing I was checking. I saw Eddie smiling and heard his now deep voice discussing things of interest to him. Things unrelated to “this”.
I was happy.
I am wondering why I didn’t pay attention to those moments before. I could blame the intolerable situation between Will and myself for filling up so much of my thoughts and stealing my emotional energy. Our relationship was all-consuming, at least for me, and I didn’t notice the happy times…at all.
No, that isn’t quite right. I noticed them, I experienced these small instances of happiness, but then I quickly let them fade as I chose to tend to the pain, confusion, and sense of merely living through the day. Maybe now, because I know the pain is constantly ready to surface, I am more willing to let the good feelings wash over and through me. I think I hope that the waves of joy will serve to diminish the pain, over time.
Joy became more important to me this week. Perhaps the darkest moments I’ve experienced are setting me up for the capacity to once again be happy.