Last year, I tapered off from this blog because I was afraid of what would come of it in court. Nothing came of it in court. This blog was either irrelevant or the battle didn’t get nasty enough for his attorney to use it.
Or maybe there was nothing to be said about it. Will’s name isn’t here, my name isn’t here. I don’t push this blog onto our children. This blog, like it was always intended to be, is mine and mine alone.
The saddish part about it is that I didn’t recognize that fact. I worried that he would somehow take this piece of me away. Under the heaviness of that fear, I did like I so often did during our marriage: I shut up.
Then, miracle of miracles, new people came into my life. I didn’t know how to mention them on this blog. I didn’t care what Will thought, but I worried about what the new others thought.
In my encounters with the outside world, I learned that these new people watched my blog to see if they’d be mentioned. “What are you going to name me?” they asked. I didn’t mention them often, or I alluded to them vaguely. I didn’t want the new people to be privy to my thoughts about them. Writing this blog anonymously gave me a communication outlet I didn’t have in my marriage. I became accustomed to writing about Will without telling him what I thought about him first. I thought it was unfair to tell the new people what I was thinking without telling them first, and I simply didn’t know how to tell them!
In the marriage, I tried to tell Will what I thought, what I felt, but he didn’t (want to) hear. These new people were very interested in what I thought, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them intimate things face to face. So, I shut up, and I carried quietness into my new relationships.
Fact is, newly separated from the abuser, I didn’t know how to communicate well with people I cared about. When we were face to face, I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or blurting out an emotional statement I didn’t really mean.
I was learning to control myself. It was a scary process without Will’s rules to guide me.
Slowly but surely, I’m coming out of my shell. I am challenging myself to make this promise to everyone in my life: I may speak of you on my blog, but before I do, I will tell you what I think FIRST. I will use a fictitious name unless you tell me otherwise, but I won’t say if it’s your real name or not.
If you see it here, please know that I’ve done the hard work before posting. I’ve spoken to my friends, my lover, my sister, et al before it ends up on this blog.
This blog is mine and mine alone, and I will gladly face what other people think of me with fairness, but it may come off as a devil-may-care attitude.
At the beginning of next year, I plan to change my name to “Kellie Jo Holly” officially, and I won’t be anonymous anymore.