Kellie Jo Holly
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Angst
I could lose the day to regret, or I could use the experience as a learning tool. I’m not a monster.
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Setting Boundaries
A boundary is a blueprint of a plan for you to follow. It is not an order given to someone else. No one, not soldiers, not cops, not abusers, not even victims of abuse, must follow orders that go against their morality and the core of who we are.
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Turning Inward: Trying to Fix What Isn’t Broken
“While I know well the wish to somehow make things work, obsessively turning inward, demanding of our selves a new or better way to end the abuse, in actuality we are ‘allying with the abuser’ and abusing ourselves. This unholy alliance is what keeps the abuse going — his infiltration of our thoughts and feelings,…
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What's Next?
Fortunately, I moved beyond the what-ifs and the panic, but now I want to answer the question, as best I can, of “What’s Next?”
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How to Stop Panicking Over What May Happen
Is it possible for me to stop panicking over what may happen? I’m panicking now. My internal panic machine wants to take over. It is hard to slow down or think. The source of the panic is my fear of what may happen when Will comes home. All good panics have, at their root, an unknowable, unanswerable question. Hence, the…
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Panic Machine
I’m trying so hard not to panic, not to allow my strings to get caught up in the machine swirling in my gut. The panic machine is in fully operational today. It’s whirring and purring to me: He’s going to get mad about the money. He’s going to be upset that you don’t cook all…
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Homecoming
I just found some song lyrics that help me express my feelings as I head into Will’s homecoming. They’re written by 5 Finger Death Punch and are from the song “Never Enough“. …” I’d rather you hate me For everything I am Than have you love me For something that I can’t [be?] “… I…
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Beauty
I was just on facebook reaching out to people I don’t know asking them to be my friends. Kind of nervy, but seeing that yesterday I revealed my facebook identity to some of my current friends, it seemed to be the next step. (I’m not telling Will’s family or “his” friends anything.) I suppose I’m…
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Who Spoke The Pillow Talk? Remembering Abuse
Were we really that sweet to one another? Did he really treat me well sometimes? Even if he did, he doesn’t now. The sweet memories are gone.
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The Veil is Thin
Halloween! The veil between this and “the other” world is as thin as it gets tonight. My dad, Pap, died in 2003 at the age of 54 from an abdominal anyeurism that moved and exploded his heart. It was sudden and shaking; according to reports, he was surprised himself as he died on the gurney…
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