Abuse In Relationships
Do you think you might be abused but aren’t sure? A lot of people feel that way and the only way to become sure is to educate yourself about domestic abuse. You could check out effects of abuse to see if you feel or think similarly to those who know they are abused, or you can take the quiz for your answers. You can also look at pages like Things Abusers Say and Do, Crazymaking and What is Verbal Abuse to compare your partner’s actions to those of abusers.
After you arm yourself with all that information, if you still question whether you are a victim of abuse, it is possible that you just don’t want to call “it” abuse. Abuse is a scary word; it is one we don’t take lightly. To accuse someone of being an abuser is a statement you just can’t take back.
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I know all about taking that step to call it as I saw it. I called my husband abusive, but instead of trying to change, he tried to abuse me back into compliance. Once I saw the truth, I could not accept his lies any longer. We divorced in 2012, and I am better for it.
But your answer to dealing with abuse may not be the same as mine. That’s okay. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. My book shows what worked as well as what didn’t as I fought to save my marriage. I didn’t want to leave either.
Where Can I Go For Help?
Start here at First Steps For Abuse Victims.
“You may feel that you are alone in your fight, but you aren’t. Survivors such as myself and others may not be there to physically hold you and tell you to your face that you are a beautiful human being, but know that we are all there with you, sending you healing prayers for growth and success for your healthy future.” ~ B.F.
This website and it’s posts on how to identify verbal abuse and protect yourself have been really eye opening for me. it rang true so to speak. Not everything was bang on, but the stuff that was, got me thinking. I feel empowered to protect myself only after knowing of this site for one day. Thank you. I’ve been in a verbally abusive relationship in the past, and find myself identifying with all of this all over again. I find I think that it’s my fault, I got myself into it again, but that’s the mode of thinking I’m trying to let go of. Keep my confidence and not sacrifice myself, yet again. This site just gave me perspective and awareness and sometimes you need to read about others experiencing the same thing before you realize what’s actually happening. REALIZE it’s not in your head.
I am so happy you found some things you needed to be reminded of here, Round2. How is it going today? It’s been about 4 months since you commented.
Kellie, I just added this page to the top of my resourse list on my new blog. I will be publisizing in a few days.
Thank you, Malika!
This song says a lot about taking action with abuse.
Keep up the good work Kellie !
I didn’t really know what it was. I just knew something was really really wrong. Being told you’re crazy, when he’s been in psych ward 3 times. Being told to shut up all the time. Being forced to eat what he wants, do what he wants. Everything was about control. Finally threw him out. Started a blog to describe the pain. I want to help others. I called the blog reappearing because he had basically stomped me so far down, I was invisible. I had no friends because he wouldn’t allow it.
…It is harder just after you get away from him than it was with him. Emotionally. It’s agonizing at first. I thought it would be so easy. Not so, but after 3-1/2 months(which feels like eternity), I am starting to heal. I want women to free themselves. To empower themselves. Get to an abuse support group. Call local women’s shelter. Saved my life. I wanted to blow my brains out. I couldn’t take another second. So glad. It was hardest thing I ever did.
What people don’t realize is majority of the time our physical scars heals much faster than the verbal scars. I am still trying to rebuild myself it’s a long process. You start to believe what you’ve heard for years. Then you tend to expect the same mean words from a new relationship or can’t process that this new person doesn’t see you in that negative way. Sometimes the abused becomes the abuser…. It can be a vicious cycle. Thanks for sharing. You can read my story at Doses of Hope, my blog.
[see link to this blog here]
Donata, I agree that the abused person can take on characteristics of the abuser in new relationships. I think we get accustomed to the cycle of abuse and do not remember (or we never knew) how to live outside of it. When we love a non-abuser, we may try to create the “comfortable” abusive dynamic, no matter how bad it was for us and is for our new partner. However, I think former victims can readily identify when they’re behaving abusively and, unlike the abuser who ‘taught’ us how to behave, we WANT to change our behavior. It is easier for former victims to change because we know what it feels like to be abused and we CARE about other people’s feelings.
I recognized the abuse being done to me, I prayed, sought out friends to let out some of my increasing frustration,fear,anxiety and pain.
It was quick and easy to see how little friends and neighbors can do or in reality how little they care. Some, most, are afraid. They have cut me off because my abuser followed me to their homes, jobs, even places of worship, spreading the abuse to cover any hopes of my getting free from my abuser.
Once family, friends, preachers too, met her they FEARED FOR THEIR LIVES AND PROPERTY, reducing the places to go for help to zero.
Even the courts and Police want nothing to do with it (now she’s got her sister here with us and the one lies and the other backs her up, see they are previously experienced at this and are used to living rent and all other expenses free, by keeping you At bey with extortion tactics to keep me from going to Police and courts even with physical evidence).
They are destroying my home, my credit (electric alone went from $54 to $324 per month) my credibility, but worst of all destroying my happy, loving generous self, not to mention confident and outgoing. It seems as though they are after my soul and faith in CHRIST. BUT THEY WON’T GET EITHER. I SOMEHOW, SOME WAY WILL GET FREE OF THEM, AND LIVE, LAUGH AND LOVE AGAIN. MAY GOD ADD HIS BLESSINGS TO THIS AND MY LIFE.
I know exactly what you mean I too lost all of my friends and family because they were so affraid of my ex. I had nobody. I slept in my car and at work some nights. I moved 10 times after I left him he just kept finding me. I went to the police I got a restraining order and he just breached that. The police talked me into charging him and told me everything would be ok. Well it wasn’t he got 15 months probation and no criminal record. He is now living with my daughter right behind my appartment I’m very scared for my safty. He has held guns to my head and told me in detail how he was going to end my life.
Wow!!!..What a fantastic webpage. I am so glad to have been connected with you.
Keep up the amazing work and would love to connect with you more
Thank you for being you and the support you give to others.
Love & Light
Kate Gardner
Author/Speaker/Life Coach/CEO & Founder of the global campaign: Freedom & Empowerment Campaign
[see link in blogroll]
Things that I have to go through or listen to (part 1):
-you don’t listen to me/pay attention (yet never quite does so for me)
-you need to stop pushing things
-you need to stop making me angry
-you aren’t getting it
-you need to keep your mouth shut
-called stupid or stupid bitch
-do i have to backhand you?
I am curious as to peoples position on the lack of support services for male victims, with or without children, of female perpetrated domestic violence??
I’m glad that I am not alone…. I’m too embarrasses to talk to anyone I know though… But I don’t have anywhere else to go with my baby.. Which is the main reason why I stay with him… I have no income… No license… Just my 2 dogs and my baby boy..
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or visit http://www.thehotline.org. They will put you in touch with local resources that can help you plan for your safety and escape. You are not alone and you are free to choose where to live and who to live with…but you may need a transitional safe place first. Your local resources will help you create a support system – your support system is VITAL to your ability to leave and stay gone. You can meet new people who will form your support system at domestic violence groups and message boards. Message board contacts will help you gain the courage to tell people you know. The people you know will help you get to the license bureau to get your license. Did you see the Julia Roberts movie where she was terrified of water but learned to swim at the Y? She did this without telling her husband so she could “disappear” and appear dead during a boat ride at sea. Your license can lead to your freedom.
You can do this, B. You just have to reach out, much like you did on this site, and build your support system.
I am so glad I found this website, I think it is a life changing experience for so many. Abuse is wrong and very damaging for your soul and finding ways to escape is important.
Award Winning Author, Dianna Bellerose
Fire and Ice
(See link to her book under heading Authors Who Focus on Abuse on this page)
Kellie, The stories and information on your website are excellent and I am sure that they are inspiration for women caught in abusive relationships. Sincerely, Donald J. Funk, co-founder of Manos Hermanas Foundation and Domestic Violence Counselor
im in danger of killing myself. the words that I am called, a normal 12 year old should not hear or be told that they are that. sooner or later I might commit suicide (its that bad.) this isn’t my first time on this website. last year it was the same problem but for a while it hasn’t been so bad but now its gotten so bad. please help me.
Hailey, you should call 1-800-273-8255 – it’s the national suicide hotline. Sweet girl, I wish I could help more but your feelings have gone beyond my capabilities. In addition to calling the hotline, please tell a teacher, a friend’s parent, or anyone you trust about what is going on. You have many people who care for you or WANT to care for you. You must tell them the truth.
Hailey, you can also try:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Suicide hotline, 24/7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers
Haily, The last thing you want to do is commit suicide. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I grew up being verbally abused by my dad. I’m 45 yrs old now and I still get the abuse. So I totally understand what you’re going through. I still remember my dad calling me a “snot nosed kid” when I was your age because I asked if I could get ONE pair of designer jeans.
I have been volunteering with the San Antonio PD for almost 12 years now helping victims of domestic violence. I consider it “therapy” for myself. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and ADHD (and I’m on medication for them). So you can see I have a full basket of issues… The one thing that keeps me going is the people I love and who love me. I don’t have the right to hurt those people so much by committing suicide and neither do you. It’s a large pill to swallow when you’re so sad.
Go to the link Kellie Jo posted to locate a crisis center near you. It may be a hospital and if it is, they’ll keep you there for a couple of days to make sure you’re okay and they’ll talk to you about what’s going on in your life. Or you can go to the nearest hospital and tell them you need an emergency detention because right now you want to commit suicide. If your parents aren’t easy to talk to or you know that they won’t help you, YOU have to take charge of YOUR life. It IS your life so fight for it!
I am a content creator for the SAPD Family Assistance Crisis Team on FB. My “turn” starts on Monday. We post a lot of interesting articles and myself, I post a lot of inspirational pictures with sayings. This is the link to the page: https://www.facebook.com/SAPDFACT . Also, you have my name so if you have a FB account, you can message me or friend me and I’d be happy to help you by listening…it’s amazing how talking to someone who isn’t directly involved in your situation can make you feel better.
Suicide is not an option. If you commit suicide, it would REALLY hurt me!!
Hailey,
You are right, no body should have to hurt because of words or actions of other people. I know from my own experiences that it’s hard to deal with and it feels like you have no way out, but there is always hope. You may not believe it right now, but you will not always feel this way and there is a brighter tomorrow. There are people who can help you with everything you are dealing with. Please let us help you. You can reach me on facebook or through my email address: marycoy75@yahoo.com
Mary Jane Jarvis
Hailey,
You are right, no one should have to deal with the hurt of other people’s words and actions. I know from my own experiences how hard it is to deal with and how it seems like there is no way out, but I promise you that you will not always feel like this and there is a brighter tomorrow. Sweetie, there are people out there that want to help you. I am here for you. You can find me on facebook or through my email address: marycoy75@yahoo.com
Mary Jane
Another telephone number in the USA for Hailey is 1-800-621-4673 (Safe Horizon) Their website: http://www.safehorizon.org/ Also, in emergency, 911. Many areas also have local Women’s Shelter organizations that can help women in domestic abuse situations. Hailey is not alone. There is help for her.
Unfortunately, the Battered Women’s Shelters aren’t set up to receive 12 yr old children alone… By calling 911, she can get herself into an Emergency Detention. Basically, the officers will bring her to a hospital or other crisis center and she’ll be admitted from anywhere between 24 hrs or a week. In TX, it’s 72 hrs minimum.
I think someone, as was said, needs to get Social Services involved. This is child abuse and needs to be addressed as such. No child should be made to feel this way by their parents, frankly it’s inexcusable that a girl this age should need to seek out such help. I too suggest she should go to her School Guidance Counselor, or Principal and get Social services involved through the School. Surely this must be affecting her education as well, or perhaps she see’s school as an escape from the abuse as I did from an alcoholic father. She certainly needs to be speaking to a counselor about her feelings and possibly removing her from the abuse in her home if it doesn’t stop.
Don, I was her when I was 12. Child abuse is domestic violence. Giving her options is a way to empower her. Although I agree with seeking out help through her school, there may be barriers there. We don’t know if either one or both parents work at the school. We don’t know where the school is. And frankly, as seen by Newtown and other schools, kids slip through the cracks that need counseling desperately. Having her seek help at school is still putting it on her to seek help. By providing information of other places to seek help gives her the options that only she knows are safe for her to approach. Yes, it is child abuse and CPS should be called. But no one here knows WHERE she is to help. All of the options Kellie Jo and I have provided will provide counseling and the involvement of CPS.
@ Hailey; theres so many things Id really like to say and more than ever talk with you..Stay Strong..PLEASE!!! hugssss http://www.facebook.com/andralee