The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I know I’m in a verbally abusive relationship…there’s a scenario happening atm which I was hoping for clarification about. I feel it’s unloving and abusive, but can’t put my finger on it.
he doesn’t help with any housework (interested to see that one listed above) and I had had enough of picking up his dirty dishes after him. told him that and so I would no longer take them to the sink.but when he does, I will wash them.
he says I’m being childish and hypocritical (coz I don’t do things he wants me to eg turning lights off) and he doesn’t want me to control him so he will never take them to the sink. says it’s my fault coz of how I went about it.
so my fault (apparently) that his dishes are piling up on the table. and he will never take them to the sink coz I’m playing a childish game and he doesn’t want to be controlled by me.
I think it’s my boundary. I won’t pickup after him.
clarification?
My husband is emotionally abusive it’s as if most of the things an abuser says come out of his mouth as if he read this page. It really is unbelievable.
I know I need to leave but I don’t have enough money but I’m saving and I don’t have any family here. I wonder if that was a reason why he married me because I would be more isolated because I’m from a different country.
It is sad to know we are not alone but at the same time so alone in our individual situations.
I’m tierd of going through the same old cycle of abuse, I feel stuck, I feel alone, I’m in disbelief and I just can’t feel good.
Why are so many people males and females acting this way?
I hope that you all have better days ahead.
I want it to be over but at the same time it makes me feel sad and sick.
I’m worried about his actions when I do finally leave. I’m going to see the psychologist soon hopefully that will help.
On the plus side it have 2 great kids one day we wil have peace and I hope all of you will too.
I just had this happen recently, and I am the reason. I have never been in any way abusive towards any women or children in my life. My now ex-gf was in a terrible relationship for almost 5 years and has a 2 year old child with this guy. *(She has other children from a previous 13 year marriage) She and I have been compatible in so many ways and expressed our love for each other over the course of the last 5 months. This started as a long distance relationship, but soon materialized into coming up for a week at a time for the last few months up to her and with dreams on both sides of living our lives together. **Disclaimer here I am not trying to self pity or woe is me or ask for forgiveness from the internet here. I’ve expressed this as much as possible to her as well and she knows I am absolutely ashamed of my actions. On our very first week spent together in real life went up and down fast. I stepped in and disciplined her 2 year old (of whom I love very much). I grabbed his arm to raise him up and spank his butt on the diaper. He slipped and i got him on the back instead. It left a mark, and I immediately broke down in tears on the fact that I had done what I did. She and I were able to come to an agreement, on the fact that this wasn’t acceptable. On our third week’s meeting everything was off, we argued non stop. We at one point had come to a reconciliation and she was asking me a question, I answered her 3 times, and each time she got heated more and more as if she didn’t understand me or want to hear me. As we got going further, I had my hand on her shoulder as I had been massaging her arms, and I just squeezed a little bit, it didn’t leave a mark, and it didn’t hurt her physically as much as it snapped her back into the conversation. (that was my intent) never to cause her harm. Needless to say, I took it upon myself to pack my things and sleep on the couch, expecting to leave the next day. I felt terrible for ever letting myself hurt the one I love. We were able to sit down the next day and discuss things. She agreed to let me stay another night, and we had a great day. We talked, we laughed, we cried, and were able to discuss the situation. Everything felt fine, and then I left, we talked for a little bit the night I was driving home, but then the next day, she had her family there, and told me she couldn’t deal with talking to me right now. Let me be clear, I have never, put anyone in a position to feel scared by me, and i’ve never laid a hand on any woman with respect to wishing or expecting physical pain to occur. This is indeed the 1st time I’ve ever even been presented with the notion that I’m abusive. My actions as I have offered to her are inexcusable, I know that. I only have my own past experiences with children that have been in my life, on how they were disciplined by their mothers, and how not stepping in was a sign of inaction. I have no way to contact her other than to pester, and i’ve done all that I can with avoiding contacting her. She did NOT delete me from other various websites we’ve had interactions on, and she has replied back to me once, only to offer that she has forgiven me for my actions, but that she will never forget them. (that is crushing me more than anything now. I don’t expect her to forget, but I do not see how we will ever be together again. I am lost without her, and feel terrible for ever putting her into a situation like this. I sent her a hand written letter today. I told her I would not pester her any further. (I hope I can keep my word on this, but there are too many great memories for me forget her.) I am crushed sitting here writing this and have NO ONE, else to turn to. She suffers from Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD (from previous relationship) – I have since contacted her a few times to express myself. I never called her any bad names, nor physically assaulted her beyond what I described here. I have never done anything but be a gentleman to her and try to gain insight to what she is struggling with. Having this relationship go up ended now, has been really hard to deal with. I’ve tried reaching out to friends and family for advice, but everyone just tells me I’m probably better off, that’s the hardest thing to hear when I know i’m not better off, or others tell me the ways to distract myself involving going out and finding someone new – that is like a stab at my heart, I just told you how much i care for someone and you’re advice is i get out and find someone to take my mind off them. They are hurting too, but I can’t offer support without seeming stalkerish, so now I sit in silence awaiting the day she may let me back into her heart.
I can relate to most of it except iam not recieving any Physical abuse thank God!! My Husband now that I have been Married to for 9 years as of this July,2014 started showing his true colors after 1 yr of Marriage. He has never been physically abusive nor has he raised his hand to me. His is all Verbal. I met him at work and I was Married to someone else at the time and that Marriage was already heading for Divorce due to his Drinking. My first Mistake with my Husband now was opening my Mouth and Confiding in him why my Marriage was failing which he threw in my Face a lot later after 1 yr of Marriage. He would never shut up about it so that is when he started to turn me against him. He would say I know u are still seeing him behind my back or u still love him when All the time I was in love with him. Now, everything has gotten 10 times worse. The following is what he says pretty much everyday, Insults what I say, I will treat u like an adult when u start acting like one, if I don’t like it theres the Door. Right now he is recoverying from a hernia operation and when I try to help him he is saying I can tell u do not like helping me or go away u just do not know or care about helping me, he has been insulting me ever since he came out of recovery. He makes me feel worthless and tell me I don’t know what pain is and he acts like he is the only one that hurts. Blames me for everything that breaks down in the house says Iam the one that broke it He sexually make insults to me and has actually said them and he said in the past few weeks come over here and suck on my C— and I will be sitting in one recliner and he is in another and while I am watching tv he says hey honey look over here and I would and he has his privates hanging out which all of this makes me very ill and he has done this type of thing many times. He even comes up behind me while iam cooking in the kitchen or washing Dishes and will start feeling me up and saying disgusting sexual things that are gross. These sexual things started after the verbal insults started. My son has addictions and all he does is talk bad about my Son Constantley which I mean everyday. and He bad mouths my family which I only have about 4 family members in the area. There is a lot of Issues with my family but they never stop by I go over there. I realize my Family Members have really bad issues but using my family in our arguments which have nothing to do with them is personally abusing me because he blames everything on other people. My husband shows no respect for me and buys me things to make up for it instead of us trying to get help. He has no friends nor does he invite anyone over. there are no cookouts no outings with no one. I have no friends and when I have one he says he does not matter to me all I care about is that one friend. He has said I will get rid of your dogs then and like I said we are married this is his house not mine. threatens to take my cell or take away my vehicle, he punishes me and treats me like iam the Child and he is the parent. He will get me a new computer at Christmas and say to me this is for all the work and taking care of the house all yr, like he is rewarding me for doing what I was told that right there is a parent and child thing. swell if I keep going I can talk forever here , so I better stop here.Please comment and let me know if you are going through some or all of these issues because I believe comparing notes and talking with someone whom is going through the same things gives u answers as well. anniemarie65
I was warned about “baltimore men” as one had put it, but I ignored it. I can’t put all Baltimore, MD men in this category of abusers, but the woman whom warned me about them, is also a victim of abuse within her marriage. I was engaged to a baltimore man, in which his behavior changed one month after engagement. When we would hang out, he’d physically push me, one time, he pushed me so hard I flew back, fell, and hit a wall. Also in conversation, he’d tell me to shut up. He’d also call me a slut out of no where, throw my purse and say things that didn’t make any sense. He once warned me about him having multiple personalities, but I thought he was joking b/c he laughed about it. One last time, out of no where after a track meet, he pushed me down several times as I tried to stand up and get my balance and also put his hands on the collar of my jacket and shook me several times telling me I had a demon..uh huh? Looks like he has hidden issues. Now he is engaged to someone else & we have prayed for her safety and have warned her, but hopefully she doesn’t experience abuse when she gets married to him. #RMWC & #NPBC