The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
Here is my story I am so confused and need advice badly ,I have been in a physical relationship before which I ended and after that I entered another this time not very physical but very verbal i am 27 and was engaged to him for 6 months before we broke up and was told it was all my fault I have such a hard time moving on and really need advice from someone. So we started our relationship as long distance and flew very frequently to see me almost every 2 weeks 7 hour flight was very kind generous loving ,I was showered with gifts and kindness, I started noticing that every time we are out he drinks way more than others and when he did he became of course very unpredictable flirting with other girls and very touchy with female friends I asked him about it he said he’s just a kind guy it doesn’t mean anything their just friends so I let it go after all he was so in love with me , one night at a company party he noticed that my much older colleague put his hands around me it resulted into a big fight and he nearly attacked him we went home and he yelled at me till morning and called me a slut so much yelling that I said I was sorry just to keep him quiet, we got engaged 2 months after that I think I saw the sign that something wast right but denied it as didn’t wanna believe that yet again I ended up with someone like that ,I was meant to move to him then again at a party I got annoyed at something he did as he was drunk again and he blew at me and called me whatever he could in front of all my friends they of course thought he was insane we went home and he blamed me that I was a childish and shouldn’t be annoyed at his behaviour as he was only having fun and pushed me around the house , I again ignored 1month later we went out again he was drunk and got jealous as we were dancing with my female friends and were drawing attention so he left the party I went home he pushed me around and said I didn’t appreciate anything he did for me and I don’t deserve the ring which he took of my finger by force and punched the wall and pushed me around really scared me I again ignored it after that was a fight everyday on the phone about something stupid telling me I don’t listen and always have to be right ,By that time things were bad but we were engaged and I was in denial so I moved in with him we went to a friends wedding again he got drunk and told everyone how unhappy he was with me called me a bunch of names again at the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back I just couldn’t stand being humiliated anymore it was awful I felt like I had no peace every time it was something I could never do right and whatever he did was cause he was a fun guy according to him and he’s just kind and people love him he was very charming indeed but very manipulative i was always to blame for everything when in truth I would not ever make a public scene and I had called him crazy and mental which I shouldn’t have done but I was always humiliated and afterwards blamed,after the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back he got violent and started hitting me with his fist and kicking me saying I was a ungrateful bitch and I have turned him into a violent mental person and I have made him hate himself ,dragging me on the floor until the neighbours came hearing the screaming , I don’t understand anymore this is my 2and abusive relationship do I have the power to turn someone violent and crazy? Is it me whose doing that?
hello world. i type this message searching for an answer to what i already know. the man i chose to have children with is a monster. i lived in denial for 6 years, blaming my self, for my promiscuity, maybe if i allowed him to ask me to marry him before i had sex with him like every other women, according to him maybe i would be respected by him? the truth is we all make sexual mistakes that does not mean we are bad people. down the line when i found out during a time when i left him he slept with another women he still to this day blames me. after all the cheating and other women, i lived in denial. oh he just has sex with those women. wow my morals are gone. my highschool self with all her malcom x martin luther king moral standards is gone. who am i. why do i allow someone i love to cross such boundaries i never would allow anyone else to cross? recently i broke up with him after having our third daughter who is now 8 months. i was tired of it all. i was left at the hospital when our daughter was born because he wanted to go home and take a nap? i had to take the public transportation home walking with a newborn infant while people stared at me with open mouths. i broke up with him and dated another abuser for three months and immediately i recognized the abuse and left and where do i choose to g with my three daughters, i had no where to go my family hates me and even if they didnt i am from a home of domestic violence and am still treated like a dumbass who can not do anything right, and am anorexic according to them. so i go back in to the depths of darkness the safe and familiar hell that i know to be real with my ex. but Yahweh my father in heaven pulled me through with his son Yahshua. i see what true love is it is in corinthians forgive the chapter escapes me but i think it is 1 corinthians ch 13 where it says what love is…..and my ex is none of those things…in fact he is the exact spirit paul warns of in 2nd timothy i forget the chapter but he warns how in the end people will be slanderous lovers of themselfs, haters of parents, etc. and i feel after finding my faith my father gave me new eyes becuase everytime i get called a whore and a bitch and get told how much he should beat the fuck out of me and the man i chose to date, etc. meanwhile his facebook is full of countless one night stands while i was away and he was missing his family????? yahweh the father is the true light and he gave his son to save of from this madness. all i need is my saviour yahshua. i cant wait to leave for good this time after the 1000th attempt to understand how much this man never loved me uses me for anything especially a nut as he calls it yet i am still the ugliest bitch he ever met? i have never in my life been so scared yet never have i had so much faith in my father and savior so in the end i thank Yahweh for all things and like i said i cant wait to leave….plan is in motion…more power to you all out there with a huge heart…i love you all and wish we could all hang out…….i cry so much for the victims but we are being refined in to pure gold for something so be happy to be made so strong….i love you all from the bottom of my heart…yah bless………in the name of my savior and king….yahshua
I’m a man and I agree with this 100 % my wife and attacked me in the past physically and still abuses me emotionally and verbally now when my daughter was born she moved interstate with the girls we were planning to move but together as a family but one day when I left for work she said she was going straight away it took 4 months before I could pack the house find a new job interstate and get the money and another 3 before I could afford a place where we are now every time I’mhome from work she tells me everything Iis my fault I so 16 hour days for 7 days underground at a time then come home for 7 and do everything I want to leave but she is starting to do it to her 4 yr old now I feel if I go my girls will think I’ve abandoned them as they grow up please help I’m trapped with no friends or family to help I can handle her abuse towards me but when the girls are involved I am starting to worry I’ll do something bad
I have been with my husband since I was 15. I got pregnant with our son at 16. We had our young trials. Everytime I left him he would come crawling back. He even got speeding tickets out looking for me. I shoulda took that as a sign. Now 23, I have a 2 yr old and a one year old also. He was happy when I got preg with the first baby girl. Then got preg two months after the birth of the first girl with the second. About 3 months along, I wanted his help ( he is 26 now) instead he got mad and smacked my tooth out of my mouth. I lied to my parents and they believed me and payed for my dentist work. Since then, there has nothing but abuse for me. It seems like my family ignores it. He works, but wont help out around the house. Wont even bring out the garbage or his plate to the sink.
I now started taking photographic evidence of the abuse. ( I also did for my tooth). None of my family seems yo care. His mon knows and doesnt care. I feel so alone. I feel like I’m the one whose wrong. I feel helpless. Ive even called the cops and showed them his gun after abuse and they made me leave. Am I crazy? Do I deserve missing teeth, black eyes, busted lips, and to be choked until I pee myself? What do I do?
I started seeing my ex partner 3 years ago and it wasn’t long that I started noticing quick and severe reactions that left me baffled. There was instant rage if he perceived that I was cheating on him or with other men. He literally went ballistic if I touched another man or laughed while talking. He policed and watched and interrogated me on everything that he felt was a threat to him or a perceived threat. I started thinking it was something I was doing. This went on for a long time and I began to accept his rages as normal. I lived my life on eggshells in fear to anger him or set him off and I knew that didn’t take much. When he would rage he would call me all manner of names. I saw that he was misogynist even though he lusted heavily over women and is a sex addict. Life with him was a roller coaster and he would shame me for wearing anything that he felt had men look at me. He raged against me for months about wearing track pants that showed a camel toe which I had no idea about at the time. He nearly broke up with me over it but instead had to punish me by shaming me and making me feel like I was a whore and unworthy of him. One day he thought I was cheating on him and he went into a psychotic rage and lost it. I was smart enough to take us to a public location because I was terrified to be alone with him. In the middle of the public area with people all around he slapped me and began strangling me. He didn’t remember doing that after. I was stupid enough to take him back and the next 2 years were spent literally being subject to his severe moodiness, emotional dysregulation, rages, inability to communicate without raging, verbal abuse, projection, kitchen sinking, policing, internet stalking, interrogation, criticism, hatred of women, selfishness etc. He would put me on a pedestal one moment and totally destroy me the next and I never knew moment to moment when he would be set off. He would remove his affection from me as a form of punishment if he was mad at me and if I didn’t allow him to have sex with me he would rage. I recall him saying to him once that I was really exhausted and in pain and he became infuriated with me and said all you have to do is spread your legs. Then he tried to make me feel guilty that I was using sex to punish him so in this way he tried twisting it so that I would feel like it was my fault. I also remember one of his rages where he said that he understood why Muslims forced their women to stay home, wear burkas and not be allowed to work, he had issues with men and women being allowed to work together and didn’t trust anything or anyone. He was constantly questioning my motives and trying to see if I was lying to him. I recall also where he was thinking of hiring a gorgeous man to try and tempt me to see if I would pass the test. Sometimes if he was really furious with me he would shame me in public, scold me, speak to me with hostile contempt and disgust making me feel like I was a lying disgusting whore when I am nothing but loyal. He believed that he could take my body when he wanted and that I was and had to be subject to him because he was the man yet at the same time when he was regulated he would act like he was a fair and rational person giving me liberty and freedom and respect. It was a strange contradiction to live in. I don’t think he ever knew real intimacy because he seemed to use my body as a sexual masturbating medium. He spoke about women in a very condescending and derogatory way while thinking that the only woman who was pure is his mother. He felt that way about me only when he was pleased with me or when I did not contradiction him. I found out that he is BPD narcissistic, avoidant and a sex addict with major mother enmeshment. He has been literally waited on by his mother hand and foot to the point where when he rages against her she goes off and makes him his favorite rice pudding. The whole thing is sickening and somehow I thought he was my soul mate. It took me a while to see clearly but the fog is lifting. When I look at him now I see a very ugly and selfish person who is extremely dangerous. He slapped me once, choked me once, shoved me once and punched many tables…….I think it would have been only a matter of time before he would rage physically against me. I recall him saying once why do I need to be in a relationship when I live like a king at home with a mother who does everything for me? All I need women for is for sex and that I can go get when ever I want without hassle or responsibility. I can take what I want when I want to and return to my kingdom. Somehow he thought he was a real catch and that I was the fortunate winner to land him. Abuse is very tricky because it literally seductively twists you up inside it subtly over time and through distortions that are made out to look like it’s your fault. They convince you that you are the one causing them to punish you and to be upset with you. They convince you that somehow it is you that is driving them to their anger and frustration. They want everything from you while doing the very least. It is shocking to me when I actually think that I thought he was my soul mate just because when Mr. Nice came out to play he was amazing. The thing I realized is that Mr. Nice was the mask and Mr. Nightmare was the real occupant.