Things Abusers Say and Do to Gain Power Over You

I was in an abusive relationship, the abuse being mainly emotional. I feel I need to post, as though I left 2 months ago, it affects me.That’s why I came on this site tonight, after a moment of doubting myself. We were together for 13 years, living together for the last 6. The abuse wasn’t really apparent to me until we moved in together, although it took me until 2 years ago to begin to understand what was happening.
He would tell me I was rubbish and useless, unable to help out with any DIY on the house we bought. He made the decisions, saying it was ‘a man’s job’. He made snide jokes about my appearance, saying I had a bad dress sense (if I look back, he did that from the beginning of the relationship).
As it escalated, the swear words became worse, more frequent, and the names he called me are totally unrepeatable on here, although several do come under the ‘name calling’ heading at the top of the page!
A lot of what he did, he would do in so called fun. That way if he upset me he could say he was only joking, and I was over reacting, that he would never hurt me. He would nip me, pinch my skin, squeeze my hands or arms. Never hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to hurt. Then he would say it didn’t hurt, I was making it up.
He has health issues, and 3 years ago, he had a mini stroke, and his abuse escalated. Not speaking to me, ignoring me, or swearing or shouting at me for no reason. Pretending to hit me, raising his hand, or clenching his fist. Standing on my foot.The foot with arthritis in it, not the healthy foot. He blamed it on his stroke, said he couldn’t help it, didn’t know why he did it. I wanted to believe him!
He would pretend he was dead if I went to see him in his room( we never shared a bedroom, his idea!). He even did this on the anniversary of my dad’s death! He would tell me he was dying, or had cancer, and I was making him ill.
He loved to put his hands on my back and push me at the top of the stairs, grabbing me so that I didn’t actually fall. He often put his hands on or even round my throat. Lightly of course, so he could say it was only a joke. He went through a phase of coming toward me with a carving knife outstretched at me.Once he did this with my back turned. I turned round and he was stood there a few feet away with the knife pointing at me.
Once he put a hot iron very close to my face. I lost the plot, hitting out at him. I hit him on the arm over and over, I had completely lost it. And that is when I thought he was going to punch me. He raised his clenched fist and was so angry at me and I really thought that was it. But no, he walked away, and I ended up saying sorry to him. I was inconsolable for hitting him. I felt awful, so guilty… He never said sorry for scaring me with the iron inches from my face.
The list goes on of the ‘almost’ hits, and ‘nearly hurt me’s’, or he ‘could have hurt me’, or ‘he just hurt me a little bit, not really, he was only joking’. At least that is what I would tell myself. One time he was prodding me and pretending to poke me in the eyes and I said don’t, and his reply was that he could do what he wanted, including rape me! That will stay with me, even though he didn’t do anything.
The physical abuse I tried to minimize (and if I’m honest I still do). He never hurt me badly, never really left marks, just tenderness on the skin, a slight redness, that would go away. I would repeat this mantra time after time, trying to believe what I knew was a lie. That he did hurt me. Like the time I had nerve pain for 3 days on my arms were he had squeezed particularly hard one day.
After visiting my local domestic violence centre and a local charity for abused women, and a year of therapy and cbt, I said I was leaving. He said I must have someone else, that it didn’t make sense( he had made comments before about me having someone else) But when I told him I had been to counselling, and a women’s charity, he said he would stop what he was doing! And he was true to his word. Overnight he stopped all the tricks, the mind games, the threats, everything. From that day last April he no longer did any of the things he used to do. Not even swearing at me, he became nice as pie. Miraculous recovery from something that he said he was unable to control! I stayed with him for a further 7 months while the house was sorted, and moved out at the end of November 2013. All the time doubting myself, after all he had changed, he was nice now, we were getting on better than before!! But I did leave. And I won’t go back.
I see him sometimes at work, as we work for the same company. He chats nicely to me, doesn’t say he wants me back, just chats as if we are close friends. He never mentions what he did, or what happened. Has never apologized. Almost as if it never happened. And if I see him at work, I fall into the let’s be friends mode too! I chat back, happy that we are finally getting along better! Scary, he still has an affect on me, I suppose I still need his approval, still need him to be nice to me if I see him at work. I even saw him the other day when I was leaving work, and I told him where I was going, just in case he wondered. Perhaps some habits die hard. I still think to myself, oh I’d better get home, otherwise he will wonder where I am.
On the plus side, I bought loads of different washing powders the other day!! Strange? yes. But he never liked me doing a lot of washing, or having too many baths, putting the heating on etc etc and the freedom of putting the washer on whenever I like, having heating on, well, it’s liberating. And whenever I doubt if I’ve done the right thing, I will remind myself of the little things. Though the bigger things he has left in my memory will take longer to go I fear. But they will go, as will my need for his approval. There is hope! And I will not go back! I am going forwards.
There is hope!
Thanks to all who read this, for letting me get out how I am feeling.Sorry it’s a bit long and rambling!

I am a 34yr old woman in a relationship with an abuser. My father was emotionally abusive and now recently, my mother has validated all the horrible things my father has said. I guess my real question to point is, how can my family use mental abuse towards me to try and get me to leave my boyfriend? I am so alone in my life right now. I have no contact with my family anymore, and my bf took off across country to work. In a matter of days I lost everything. Also my family called CPS on me to try and my one and only reason for living away from me. I have done nothing wrong as a parent, and even put myself into therapy (over a year ago). Would it be best for me to just cut my ties with everyone and try to move on, or is there a reason people are so cruel to use abuse to get someone to leave an abuser? How is it when my family treats me equally to how my bf does, its only considered abuse from him and no one else?