The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I find these stories very inspirational, you were all victims of some cruel bastards. the signs you talk about I myself had displayed to some degree never realized that they were abusive. but with counseling i believe i can change these things. Or at the very least find a constructive more productive way of dealing with situations.
My ex was an ex con we met after he had just gotten out of prison serving 10 out of 12 years for aggravated assault. He was very sweet to me when he was angry. But when he got angry he called me names like stupid, retarded and dumb. I told him to stop calling me that because it bothered me but he said you are smart but you always playing dumb so stop acting retarded and I will stop calling you retarded. We fought a lot about everything, about the tv shows I watched he called them stupid and hated the one restaurant I love eating at. He said I had issues that needed to be dealt with because I confided in him about what I went through in my past. When he got angry he will scream at me throw things around my apartment and walk out then tell me I like making him upset on purpose and I’m the reason we fight too much. When we not fighting he is very sweet, he tells me how much he loves me and I’m the reason he is determined not to go back to pprison or get in in trouble. He even took me to go see his family for Christmas and they loved me. A month later we got in a fight he was screaming at me because I ran out of toilet paper I told it’s my apartment and I don’t care about toilet paper because I always have baby wipes he got angry and walked away. After that we fought again because he said if I keep watching gay shows he will break my tv. We fought about just silly things and he ended breaking up with me. He said we fight too much and I don’t compromise so we done and he is seeing other people. It really broke my heart, that after almost 2years he could dump me in such a cold way like I meant nothing to him. He blamed me for all the fights and for the break up so I’m sitting here regretting every decision I made the things I could have changed to make him stay. He won’t talk to me so I stopped calling, after 2years of telling me I’m all he wanted he dumps me, and moved on within a week to someone else and became so cold towards me. I’m so heartbroken, I hope I can get some help here because I no one to talk to.
My Husband is non physical physical as well; it is all Verbal abuse and he makes verbal threats like the following. There are days that I do not want to go out anywhere or it to eat he will say, we’ll when I get out if work I will go eat dinner by myself. When he goes on break at work he us nice when he comes home he finds something to complain about and his attitude changes and we are fighting. He tells me he was brought up better than me. He always brings family members into our arguments when they having nothing to do with what we are arguing about. Sexual insults me with words that has to do with his private area like this sentence, he says to me: hey honey look over here and he will expose himself and say come over here and such my c___k. He crabs at me from behind and and dry hum Po s me which makes me feel dirty and makes me sick to my stomach he even tells me I do not know nothing about life and corrects me all the time and he says how he is only trying to help me like I am a little child. He never believes a word I say he is a l ways right and that u should listen. He treats me like he us my parent and acts like I am dumb and should gr ow uo. I have been dealing with this for 7 years none stop; we gave been married 8 yrs. I can not stand having relations with him and gave stopped having sex with him entirely. When he touches me now it is like being with a stranger and I Feel Violated When He Does Grab At Me Because Ever Time He Comes Near Me He Sexual Insults me. He has bought me things and it fee K s like he us buying me off after arguments, when h e buys me an electronic later he complains about me using it and he has done to everything he gets me. Why get me anything if he is going to complain about me using I t. Sometimes I feel like he is setting me up so he has an excuse to argue. This is a very unhappy life but I gave no where to go the few family members I have are drug addicts and my mother helps them buy it. My 2 grown children are in their 30 and are addicts. I gave 4 chihuahuas that I can not l eave behind they are my only fruends. I have no where y I g I other than those shelters but I will not leave my dogs that I gave had for 8 yrs and older. I am stuck in this life
I am finding out my husband is abusive.I love him, been with him since I was 14 .I’m turning 40 next month.it wasnt allways like this.we grew up together .I thought I knew him.now I’m hurt .we get along ,then he starts with the names or ignores m all together.every problem he has is my fault.he threatens to leave me. He goes a few days loving me .then a few days hating me.he has bought me gifts just to destroy in front of me.he made plans to take me to see my favorite music artist @ at a place I’ve never been .for my birthday last year ,just to get me excited so he could rip the tickets up in my fAce on my b day.we could have plans just to stay home and make love just so he can ruin those plans by sleeping on the couch.he says I dont work as hard as him because I dont make as much.hes taken my self esteem down to 0. When he loves me I try so hard to make him happy .when he hates me I try so hard to make him love me.ive cried so much so many times ive prayed.ive even begged God to end my life.I feal like a failure. I feal unloved. I have no friends and my family have allways gave me that middle child syndrome.I guess maybe in some wAy I feal like someone will hear my cries. I kept journals just to have some way of releasing what’s bottled up inside. But I relize I’m just crying to myself.verbal abuse realy does hurt .I wish that some how I could make my husband know his words and acts are killing my soul.
My marriage is exactly like this except for the sexual part and all my previous relationships were like this as well….Funny thing is I know this, but I’m so used to it that as long as he doesn’t punch me in my face or hurt our children I will stay because its just normal for me.