The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
Trust your intuition You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone, just trust your own inner guidance it knows best Sometimes a relationship with God is all you have when all else fails, God never will And for others who first meet a man like me. Just know a man meaning a real man will not let a good woman walk away…. But a boy will lose his treasured possession because of his ego
Good for you Michelle! I’m sorry for the lamb.
4.5 yrs ago, I lost my fiance to suicide, and then my father 2 weeks later. A year passes…… I come home from visiting family in North Carolina and enroll in community college. I’m thinking the pieces are starting to fit together again. I see this young woman spin around in public speaking as my name was called during roll call. She seemed to have peered into my soul. I was still extremely vulnerable. She was so nice to me at first. She made me love her. What I see now is I was such an easy target for her. It’s really sick, and it’s not always the guy that’s being a degenerate POS. However, I’m sure that some man, most likely the father or uncle imprinted this behavior in my ex. It’s a vicious cycle and she has carried out 95% of the above mentioned examples. My ex would keep turning the lights on in our room and laugh while i was sleeping even when she knew I had to be up in a couple hours for work. Like twenty times. I should mention that she is a RX drug addict.
I had asked her during another incident to not smoke in the bedroom. She calmly stood up and headbutted the wall and said, “If you don’t leave me the f*** alone, I’ll call the cops and say you did this.”
Another time, I left my phone in the truck for fifteen minutes while at the store. Upon returning, there were thirty-some missed calls and accompanied by a dozen evil texts. I made it home and she was destroying my $150.00 gadget of an alarm clock.The reason I went to the store was for her.
She would steal money from my wallet. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she may say, “I might just f*** some of your friends. What are you gonna do about it?”
She had grown increasingly disrespectful towards my mother even. Called her a woman’s favorite c word and a bitch, after mom made her supper and shared her wine with her.
She would tell me that I have a horseface, or say my penis is small. These are just some of the happenings that are currently vivid. That kind of abuse worked and kept me bound in shackles of nonexistent self-worth for almost three years. I am now almost a paralegal. I know I am overcoming milestones and I’m not afraid to talk about it. It’s been three months since I mustered enough strength to peel myself away from her. She is a toxic human being.
My piece of advice for all of you good intentioned people out there. Stop it before you are the victim, You don’t want to become addicted to abuse and it’s very likely to happen if the abuse does not abruptly cease.
You have all touched my heart, and I extend a huge thank you for the opportunity of letting me share. Sometimes a person is hated because they are honest, loving, forgiving, and true. This is a sad reality. Everyone has potential. Don’t let anything hold you back.
KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE!
I’m resolute about leaving my abuser today. Thank you for the final little added impetus I needed to carry this through… I’ll be in a hotel room tonight.
I just wanted to share an incident with you. A vignette.
I had brought home a weak little lamb and it wasn’t doing well. But it was surviving. At least breathing, conscious, could sit up etc. and I wanted to bottle feed it back to health. My Dad was staying with us. I went outside to see how the lamb was going, and abuser was there. I told him about wanting to bottle feed it. He picked it up by the back legs and said “I don’t think so” and smashed it’s little head into the fence right in front of me, killing it. The action was about total power and control and complete disregard for my feelings or the lamb’s life. He literally didn’t care, not when it happened, nor afterwards. He was totally matter of fact about it. What made me so angry was that he had no right to take that little lamb’s life… it had been struggling so damn hard and managed to make it through the night alive somehow, so it was a *very* strong little baby. And just like that, it was gone. He couldn’t care less about the effect that had on me. He had “won”. Or how I had to somehow walk back in the house and chat with my Dad as if nothing had happened.
I have lived through so many similar incidents, but this was the worst. You know, being hit myself wasn’t so bad. The fact that this little lamb had no escape, no option, and that he delighted in hurling it against that fence so cruelly is something that will stay engraved in my brain forever. These people are so genuinely heartless that it beggars belief.
Thanks for this forum where such stories can be shared. It has really helped me to feel sane again.
I have one daughter who will be three years old in March and Im also pregnant and due in March. My boyfriend convinced me into moving in with him this last year November. Lately he has been getting into my face calling me ugly fat cunt threatening to kill me. He had pushed me and even put a knife to my throat in the past. I have pressed charged in the past and got a order of protection bu I thought hechanged and got back with him. I have no money and no where to go what should I do?
I have felt like I was “crazy” for years…how can someone who for all purposes appears sweet and gentle, treat me with such animosity and meanness? He thinks that just because he has never hit me, that he is not abusive. Punching holes in walls while my children hide in a room, breaking my pictures on the walls, telling my (not his) teenager that she will never find a husband and that he can’t even look at her face…it’s all like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from.