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Verbal Abuse Journals

Overcoming Verbal Abuse in 5 Critical Steps

A woman in a public place at sunset watching the groups of people and wondering if overcoming verbal abuse is ever possible.

…And Rebuilding Your Life

Overcoming verbal abuse can entail a long and difficult recovery process, but it is possible with the right plan of action and support. When you seek professional help, practice self-care, create boundaries, build a support system, and release the pain the abuse left behind, you can build healthier relationships and be yourself without fear. Here are five steps that can help you recover.

1. Seek Professional Help

One of the most important steps in recovering from verbal abuse is to seek professional mental health help. A therapist or counselor can provide you with the tools and support you need to recover from the emotional damage caused by verbal abuse. They can help you understand the dynamics of abuse and develop strategies for setting boundaries, improving self-esteem, and managing your emotions plus any other mental health issue you might have developed due to the abuse.

Professional mental health help, including addiction treatment, is more accessible today than in the past. By working with a therapist or counselor who understands trauma care, you may see progress sooner than you expect.

If You Have Insurance

If you have insurance, the process of finding a therapist can be quick and direct because of their network of providers. Sometimes your insurance company will require a referral before authorizing care. If that’s the case, your primary care physician, ob-gyn, or almost any doctor you see regularly can provide the referral.

Make sure to double-check with your insurance company about any copay and the length of time you will be authorized services before needing another referral (the second referral will most likely come from your therapist). You don’t want any unexpected expenses.

If You Don’t Have Insurance

If you don’t have insurance, there is help available to you, too. Many facilities offer sliding-scale payments based on your income. Others will give grant money for some or all of the treatment costs. Additionally, each state can offer financial assistance or cover the cost of treatment entirely.

Finding the option that will help you the most can be the tricky part. Fortunately, some websites can point you in the right direction.

These are US resources. If you are outside the US, ask your doctor or a local mental health or domestic violence organization about services near you.

My Experience Without Insurance

In my experience of finding treatment for my adult son who had no insurance, I had to talk to many different agencies before finding one that provided services that he could afford and was comfortable attending. I recommend keeping track of the

Sometimes you’ll find a circular referral of agency 1 referring you to agency 2, then agency 2 to agency 3 who then refers you back to agency 1. When you get back to agency 1, tell them your trouble and ask them to help you figure it out.

I mention all of that to say that the only one interested in helping you get the mental health treatment and help you need is you. Be persistent, don’t take things personally, and keep your eyes and ears open for new resources.

The Options Have Similarities

For either option, you might be required to have intimate conversations about your mental health needs with many professionals as you narrow down your options. If you don’t feel up to it, you can name someone authorized to act on your behalf.

Also in either case, if you are not comfortable with the first therapist you’re assigned to or choose, you can request a different therapist. Contact the organization that assigned you the first therapist to discover your options.

2. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is a core part of recovering from verbal abuse. It involves taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. This can include things like eating a healthy diet, getting regular exercise, getting enough sleep, and practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or yoga. It’s also important to do things that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as spending time with loved ones, pursuing hobbies or interests, or volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about.

When Self-Care Feels Out of Reach

Does self-care as described above seem impossible to you? Depression can be the reason. It is a serious mental health condition that can result from abuse, and it can drain the energy and motivation that self-care takes.

Common signs include a low, empty, or hopeless mood; losing interest in things you used to enjoy; changes in sleep or appetite; constant tiredness; trouble concentrating or making decisions; feeling worthless or guilty; and thoughts of death or suicide. Only a doctor or mental health professional can tell you whether you have depression. If these signs have lasted two weeks or longer, or they get in the way of your daily life, talk to a doctor or therapist. Treatment for depression is available and you can feel better. The National Institute of Mental Health has more information about depression.

If you are thinking about suicide or you are in crisis (US): call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. It is free and available 24 hours a day. If your life is in immediate danger, call 911. Outside the US, you can look up a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com or contact your local emergency services.

3. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a vital part of overcoming verbal abuse. It involves defining what behaviors are and are not acceptable in your relationships with others. You may need to set limits on how much time you spend with certain people or how much information you share with them. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s essential for protecting yourself and rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

Short Guide to Setting Boundaries

A caution before you use this script. Telling someone how you feel and what you want works best with people who generally respond with respect. If the person who abused you punishes boundaries, or you aren’t sure how they will react, do not use this script on them without a safety plan. Abusers often react poorly to boundaries, and walking out of a room can make things worse.

Talk with a domestic violence advocate first. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233 (you can also text START to 88788), and our safety planning page can help you think it through. If you are worried your internet use is monitored, call instead of using chat. Outside the US, contact your local domestic violence services.

See How to Set Boundaries to Protect Against Abuse for more information. Here is a shortened step-by-step guide to setting boundaries.

  1. Begin a sentence with “When you [say this, do this]”
  2. Complete the first sentence with, “I feel [how it makes you feel]”.
  3. Begin the second sentence with, “I want [what you want them to do instead]”
  4. The third sentence starts with “Because I cannot control you, I will [what you will do to protect yourself]”

An example boundary reads like this: “When you interrupt me when I’m talking, I feel unheard and disrespected. I want you to listen to what I have to say. Since I cannot control you, I will leave the room and the conversation until I feel comfortable enough to talk to you again.”

Once your boundary is set, track it. Each time it’s crossed, write down the date, what happened, and what you did. The Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log gives you a private place to keep that record, and the pattern it shows can help you and your therapist decide what comes next.

4. Build a Support System

Having a strong support system is crucial for overcoming verbal abuse. It can include social workers, non-profit organizations for domestic abuse, doctors, therapists, friends, family members, or a support group of people who have experienced similar trauma. Having someone to talk to and lean on during difficult times can help you feel less isolated and more supported.

Where to Find Support

These US websites can help you build your support network:

If you are outside the US, contact your local domestic violence services.

5. Release the Pain

Verbal abuse doesn’t stop hurting on the day the abuse stops. The words stay with you, and so do your body’s reactions to anything that reminds you of them. Releasing the pain means loosening the hold they have on you, a little at a time. You can do that without forgiving the person who abused you, and many survivors never do.

When Their Words Become Your Inner Voice

Verbal abuse leaves sentences behind. Months or years after it ends, you may still hear them in your own head: you’re stupid, you’re too sensitive, nobody else would put up with you. Because they sound like your own thoughts, they feel true.

You can loosen their hold in three steps:

  1. Notice the thought. Catch it when it shows up and name it as a thought, not a fact.
  2. Ask where you first heard it. If it sounds like something the abuser said to you, it started with them, not with you.
  3. Answer it with something accurate. Skip big statements like “I’m wonderful.” Pick something you can believe: “I made a mistake. That does not make me stupid.”

This takes repetition. The thoughts may come back, especially when you’re tired or stressed, and answering them again is part of the process, not a sign that it failed.

The free guided meditation on this site helps you separate the abuser’s voice from your own. Play it when those sentences get loud, and only when you are somewhere you feel safe. If it stirs up distress instead of calming you, stop and try something else, such as the grounding steps below. For a longer look at changing the story you tell about yourself, see Narrative Therapy and Abuse.

If these thoughts are constant or getting worse, a therapist trained in trauma care can work on them with you directly. Cognitive processing therapy, one trauma-focused therapy for PTSD, teaches you to evaluate and change the upsetting thoughts you have had since a trauma.

When a Reminder Floods You with the Old Feelings

A reminder can bring back the feelings you lived with all at once. In my case, I have mostly detached from Will’s abuse, but sometimes when I am reminded of him I get stressed, irritable, and teary-eyed. Those feelings are things I felt constantly when I was married to him, so it’s not a surprise the thought of him will evoke them. Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) plays its part in that reaction: it’s called an emotional flashback.

I do want those feelings to disappear and not be triggered by thinking of him, but I’m not sure they’ll ever go away completely. However, the work I have done to release Will has helped me feel much better because I think of him and what he did less often.

When a flashback hits, grounding techniques can bring you back to the present. They work by turning your attention to what is around you and what your body is doing right now. A few to try:

Grounding eases the moment. It does not treat the cause. If flashbacks are frequent or they get in the way of your days, a therapist trained in trauma care can help, and PTSD is treatable. You can read more in PTSD from Domestic Abuse.

Releasing the pain happens in small amounts, and some days it won’t seem to work at all. Progress often looks like thinking about the abuse less often and having your reactions pass sooner.

Overcoming Verbal Abuse Is Possible

Overcoming verbal abuse takes time, and it is possible with the right strategies and support. Professional help, self-care, boundaries, a support system, and releasing the pain each address a different part of what the abuse did. Start with whichever step feels most manageable today, and add the others when you’re ready.

If you or someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse, know that help is available in the US and recovery is possible. If you are outside the US, contact your local domestic violence services.

Featured photo by Pawan Thapa

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