When is it okay for me to be angry?
Will has been drinking a lot since he returned home in December. Every night, Jim Beam and Coke (for color only) or beer. I expressed my concern in as pleasant a way as I could, telling him that I never know if he’s really “there” or not and that I worry about his health.
It didn’t get ugly. Typically, talking about his drinking turns ugly. He didn’t respond to the “being there” or not, but he said he changed from beer to Jim Beam to save calories. He doesn’t want to get fat. I suggested he check the calories. 12 beers vs a quart of Jim. Anyone know?
Anyhow, Will was promoted on Friday (not yet pinned), and I am very happy for him. Only one rank to go, and I’m sure he’ll get that in record time.
I’ve known for some time that there would be a change of command ceremony today. Historically, I’ve never attended a change of command as they are for officers, not non-commissioned officers. (Will isn’t a player in a change of command.)
Regardless, at the beginning of this week, I asked Will if he would like me to go. He said to wait, that he would get the details and let me know. He didn’t say anything else about me going until last night. The ceremony was at 2pm, and I had an appointment to keep, so I told him I wouldn’t be able to go.
This evening, around 5, he called to say that he was at a restaurant in town, and “everybody” was asking about me. At that time, I was transporting our son to the psychiatry appointment, so I told him I couldn’t attend.
Around 6:30, he calls and says I have two choices. Either his father can come get him and we can pick up his truck from post in the morning, or he could spend the night at his friend’s house.
“What?!” I thought. What is going on? Why is he at a restaurant in town, but he left his truck on post? Why is he drunk? Why did he plan on getting drunk? What was the real reason he asked me to join him at the restaurant? And why can’t he go anywhere without drinking?
I was obviously pissed off, and I told him, “I don’t like either of those answers, and I’m not going to choose one. You do what you think is best.”
He said that they were drinking to celebrate his promotion and to say farewell to the first sergeant. As if I care. As if I think celebrating with alcohol is the best way to celebrate anything (not that I never drink, but I can take it or leave it). Will drinks constantly, so how is drinking for a celebratory reason any different from what he does every night at home?
I was mad. I became short with my son (and apologized), but it bothers me that I was angry for an hour or so. I’m still angry, but I am not taking it out on anyone else.
I’m sort of thinking a “better person” wouldn’t be angry. Maybe a better person wouldn’t let this stuff bother her, would be able to say, “That’s my husband, his drinking has nothing to do with whether I love him or not.”
But I think it does. I think his choice to drink (constantly) affects my ability to love him. His drinking feeds selfish behaviors. It is very difficult for an angel like me (sarcasm) to be FINE with his choices when I am driving all over town doing stuff to help the family, and he seems to do whatever he can (besides go to work) to avoid helping himself.
Why didn’t I go today? Because I had a group meeting this morning. Then I had to go withdraw my son from his school and enroll him in the alternative high school. Then I had to take that son to a psychiatry appointment. Then I had to take my youngest to meet a friend (who never showed). Then I had to go grocery shopping.
And what is he doing? Drinking. Not coming home because he planned to get drunk from the get-go. Trying to force me to choose between two unsatisfactory solutions so I “can’t be mad at him because he did what I said to do.”
Bullshit.
So when is it okay for me to be angry? When is it okay for a human to be angry, and what do I do with it when I feel it? How do I get rid of it, find a solution for it, or at least just FEEL it, righteous or not, and move on?
Is it a sin to be angry?
Possibly Related Posts:
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
January 9th, 2010 at 2:19 AM
Wow – I just had an epiphany about anger today. I started a discussion with him with the words “I have so much anger and I dont know what to do with it, I dont know how to get over it”
I realize that I was asking him to validate my anger. I wanted him to admit that he was wrong so my anger was “justifiable”.
But then he said something he said “it (his treatment of me) is not as bad as you think it is”
With those words I was suddenly OK with my anger. I am OK being angry and I am OK not apologizing for my anger. I am OK with it because I realized that it is not up to him to tell me if his behavior towards me is OK. I am telling HIM he has crossed the line. Its MY LINE and it is NOT ok to cross it. This is MY boundary and it is NOT ok to decide for me where that boundary lies.
Suddenly it was very clear to me that it is OK to be angry.
And once I realized that it is OK to have my boundaries it is OK to be angry that those boundaries have not been respected.
So today I learned to validate my anger for myself.
It felt so good!! Wow – its OK to validate what makes me happy and sad and angry. All on my own.
YOU are bothered by your husbands drinking. He does NOT have to agree that it is wrong to validate how you feel about it. Sure it is HIS drinking – but it is YOUR boundary.
You know – I read your blog in part because it validates my experiences. I realize I am not alone when I read your blog. But I also read your blog because you inspire me. A while back you had a post about boundaries and how they go two ways. Your post planted the seed that lead to my self validation today. It has been in the back of my mind churning into goodness.
Thank you for your blog. I hope that when I post back it gives you something in return.
January 9th, 2010 at 9:36 AM
I really hope you are kidding, Kellie. You have the right to feel angry whenever you want to feel angry!
I believe we had a conversation about your husband, not to long ago, that was about you telling him that he had control over his own emotions – that YOU couldn’t be the one to make him angry, happy, sad, frustrated… whatever.
(Now stick with me…)
The same goes for anybody. We are in control of our own emotions. I know you know that. The question I have for you is this:
Why is it making you angry? (Believe me, I would be extremely pissed too! I AM extremely pissed that he is doing this to you…)
What is going on inside your mind to trigger the emotion of anger? I know you have this answer.
January 10th, 2010 at 2:58 AM
When is it okay for me to be angry? – Jesus had been known to become angry when something was wrong. By the way, did you marry a drunk? I’m just wondering. Your husband is a grown man. If he is making decisions for himself, then why are you not making decisions for yourself and your son? . Also, is this the reason that your son attends therapy? I think that you are taking things too lightly here. I am NOT trying to be harsh with you, I am just hoping that you will open your eyes and your heart and see things for what they really are.
January 10th, 2010 at 11:37 PM
Quietone, you’re right! I didn’t even realize that I’ve been waiting for him to validate my anger. I want him to BE SORRY. I want him to STOP BEING A JERK. I want him to MAKE AMENDS. I want him to tell me something I must tell myself: “Kellie, of course you are angry! The man you love kicks you to the side and then expects you to NOT SAY A WORD! He wants YOU to apologize to HIM for not tolerating his behavior!”
This is completely backwards, the way I’m thinking. When I do summon up the belief that it is okay to be angry, my throat and chest unclench and a sense of empowerment runs through me. Fills me.
But it isn’t lasting long. Not yet. I’m going to think and feel on it before writing any more.
Wait, one more thing: You mean a lot to me, although I do not “know” you, because of what you write to me. More than once, your comments have helped me over a hump or enabled me to view it in a different light, just like this time.
And I like “churning into goodness” – you have such a way with words! (((hugs)))