The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I have a court hearing in 8 days, my husband has been verbally and mentally abusive for years, I was scared and intimidated for to do something about it, he’s always treating me with taking away our son from me (because I don’t have a job and he does and also he’s taking advantage of my foreign status, I don’t have family in USA ) the last disgusting action he did was to bring his gf to our house while my son and I was expending Thanks giving with his family, was so humiliating, painful, disrespectful, selfish, etc, etc, etc I told him I want him out of the house he refused, obv. we had an argument and he left to his gfs house like he has been doing it for the pass 3 months, I’m keeping it very short, he has been done more stuff, he has never put a hand on me, but mentally and verbally he has done a lot, he does not pay attention to our son anymore, He doesn’t even ask for him, when he wants to have the “time for to be a dad” he tooks him out to his dates, actually was my than 4y old son who told me about Karen…… My own son!!
He has not deposit his check in the account, so I don’t have access to money, I’ll tried to put him a restrained order was denied, so…. …. I never heard or read someone has been arrested for it, you need to have injuries, bruces, cuts, broken bones, black eyes for to been taking seriously?? If Domestic violence include mental and verbal abuse where is the justice for our cases?? I really don’t believe the court hearing will go on my favor, is very discouraging I had some evidence, only God knows if that is going to be enough, it looks like he can do wtv he wants to do to us, trample me, humiliate me and denigrate me and he will get away with it….. I don’t know who I can talk about this in court, how to explain and convince the judge….. Suggestions are welcome!
I see a lot of my current partner’s abusive behavior on this page. What keeps me from leaving, or from even fully acknowledging the problem, is that I can’t actually imagine someone being so consciously manipulative and cruel. It is difficult for me to believe that such a person could exist. In my more lucid moments, ironically, sometimes staring into his eyes when we’re in bed, I actually get a glimpse of the truth – that this person is trying to destroy me. I guess that’s part of growing up. My father was the same way, but it’s still hard for me to see him as anything but a needy child. I mean, if these people don’t know how else to get their needs met, aren’t they innocent in a way? I guess it doesn’t matter – I keep trying to teach him how to love himself, as I taught myself, but it isn’t sticking, so I need to move on.
What about if its another family member who is being abusive and violent, what then? Like adult children in their 30,s and their children who are teenagers…what then? please.
My Ex wife would take all my belongings from around the house and pack them up when she moved in just to replace it with her things. She often says, “. you’re an embarrassment to the Marine Corps”,and then tell me that, “There’s nothing wrong with your back”….even though I’ve lived with chronic pain for over 20 years. When she moved just before her arrest she stole or damaged things that had alot of sentimental value, or cash value and then said, “You broke/sold that stuff yourself”. She claimed I was costing money with bounced checks and demanded to do the bills, only to learn she did it to steal from me and was spending money like crazy, and bouncing checks far more than I ever did after she insisted I add her name to my checking account and then deposited the Federal Income Tax refund to her private account and make me beg for my half. She caused me Panic Attacks with her behavior and now see the kids have “stomach pain” because they get no affection from her like was the case with me for years. The abuse of the kids is her way to ensure she continues to hurt me since she no longer lives with me.She plays victim but has no record of ever being abused by me and yet my medical record is filled with entries and has every incidence of Domestic violence reported because I had to seek treatment/ even my Psychologist who I saw for chronic pain recognized her dysfunction when I related the things happening at home. I was married 9 years; the abuse lasted for 5-6 years after our son was born in 2005. It was just control and verbal abuse and became physical after I filed for divorce. The police refused to assist me or document the abuse that they were court ordered to protect me from. All the abuse occurred in front of the kids. I never recognized it as abuse until she was out of the house, it had become “normal” to me to be yelled at, lied to and verbally abused while I cared for the kids myself for years almost alone, never getting a break while she stayed up late, slept in and shopped everyday. She fits the Narcissist profile- everyone of the traits and also suffers from OCD.
I have just left a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic husband of 10 years. He has called me every name and insulted my job, my family, my faith. I was willing to put up with him for so long to keep the family unti together. Then, he became violent and choked me infront of our children. I called 911, got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. Although it the hardest decision of my life, I know that God’s grace is leading me away from this nightmare and into the light.
My question is, since my ex-husband refuses to admit he has a problem with alcoholic or abuse, will his behavior continue in his new relationship? He already has a beautiful new girlfriend, and I can’t help but feel a tiny bit of wonder about how he will treat her down the road. Was it me after all, or will his behavior someday turn on her?