Panic Machine
I’m trying so hard not to panic, not to allow my strings to get caught up in the machine swirling in my gut.
The panic machine is in fully operational today. It’s whirring and purring to me:
He’s going to get mad about the money.
He’s going to be upset that you don’t cook all the time.
He’s going to explode over something you cannot foresee in retaliation.
He’s going to be unhappy, mad, rude, manipulative.
And then he’s going to lie about it all.
You’re going to have to go back to doing what it was before he left.
Why did you ever change? It would have been so much easier if you hadn’t changed.
Stuff everything down into the panic machine.
Let it chew it up for you so it just disappears.
Go back to what you did before
What you said before
What you felt before
So all of the whirring and purring whispers will go away.
I’ll make it go away,
I promise.
Possibly Related Posts:
- What am I forgetting?
- New House New House New House New House!
- Stranglehold
- Turning Inward
- No Surprise
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Yes, find a way to name and claim what you have found in the last few months.
I have noticed that sometimes people come to believe that what they live with, the suffering they experience, is “normal” and ok.
I think you have come to realize that it isn’t and I want to confirm that with you in case there is any question in your mind.
If I dont cook, my husband says, would you like me to go get something or would you like to go out together to eat tonight.
If I dont clean, it waits until the next day. Nothing is said, not even sure he notices. He also doesnt clean it usually though (LOL).
If I spend money, my husband says I hope you like what you bought. Sometimes he even says, oh I like what you bought! His money is my money although I have not personally earned a dime of it in over 10 years.
I do not think I have EVER seen my husband explode.
I dont say these things to point out that my husband is great. I mean he is. But so are many many many husbands. THAT is normal.
Please expect greatness. Do expect at least a bit of the fairytale. That is what you deserve. You are worth that. So worth that.
Dont even think about going backward. Hard as I am sure it is, move forward only now. He is so flawed and he makes his issues your issues. Move forward…or away…from that.
And I know I am a rambly girl. Feel free to delete as you see fit.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:30 PM
Tiffany, I would never delete!
I love what you said, “Please expect greatness. Do expect at least a bit of the fairytale.”
You’re so right. I do deserve greatness. And your statement “…he makes his issues your issues…” is right on target. That is what he’s wanted, and that is what I’ve allowed. I’ve allowed his issues to be my own, and that is a mistake I no longer want to make.
I suppose I’m worried because I haven’t been able to PRACTICE my new behaviors on a regular basis while he’s been away. But hey – I’ll be getting all the practice I could wish for in about a month!
Please continue being a rambly girl. I like it.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:58 PM
Remember though – I bet it will be all roses at first…
November 5th, 2009 at 11:32 PM
You’ve got that right. I’m planning to go to the unit’s “redeployment briefing” in November. It will be a good refresher course on the “honeymoon phase” all of us spouses (not just ones like me) will experience when our soldiers come home.
There’s so much mental stuff that goes into an “average” homecoming! They teach us what to expect, what to look for as warning signs concerning the soldier’s state of mind. Of course, most the PTSD and mental info is geared toward what our soldiers may experience and how we can help them to readjust.
I am hoping that this briefing will more accurately prepare us spouses.
November 8th, 2009 at 11:35 AM
Kellie, in these posts, what strikes me is the absolute accuracy of your predictions.
Tragically, this is who the abusive husband is. A man who keeps us always on edge, always fearful, always in defensive mode. Endlessly we scramble, grasping at ways to fend off his emotional brutality.
For the longer we have lived it, the more weakened we are. The more desperately our Spirit cries out for relief.
You’ve defined him with great precision.
Yet at the same time, as all of us worn-down wives do, you focus on you — on what you can do better, more bravely. On how you can better manage. On what you can try, to make things work. Can you somehow appease the monster, gratify him, maybe even get him to appreciate you, even if in a tiny way? [Wouldn't that be awesome??!!!
]
In short, can you be a better you, and in so doing, be better equipped to deal with him?
As you are aware, I know all this from my own struggles.
But now, I must ask you, Kellie, to flip the switch. Turn your full attention OUTSIDE your self.
From the moment he steps foot in the door, with every bit of abusive behavior he evidences, transmute your self-admonitions into *affirmations*. As your mind processes what he is saying or doing, insert the cognition “AHA!” and link it directly, invariably, to a thought of VALIDATION of your assessment.
Restrict your thoughts to this circle only.
With each recognition, feel triumphant. Back up each little triumph with a huge pledge of loving self-protection.
While I know well the wish to somehow make things work, obsessively turning inward, demanding of our selves a new or better way to end the abuse, in actuality we are ‘allying with the abuser’ and abusing ourselves. This unholy alliance is what keeps the abuse going — his infiltration of our thoughts and feelings, his commandeering them to ‘fall in line’ with his tyrannical plan.
Our obsessive turning inward is what keeps the alliance intact.