Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Things Abusers Say and Do to Gain Power Over You

neon sign saying 'this is the sign you've been looking for.'

The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).

The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.

The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.

Name Calling

  • Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
  • Crazy Bitch, Psycho
  • Whore, Slut
  • Heartless Ho
  • Stupid
  • Worthless
  • Lazy
  • Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
  • On the flip side, he or she may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence

Intimacy Breakers

  • “It is none of your fucking business.”
  • “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
  • “Shut up”
  • Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
  • Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
  • Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
  • Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
  • Interrupts you when you’re talking.

Tells You What You’re Doing

  • “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
  • “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
  • “Stop being a drama queen!”
  • “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
  • Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.

Plays Word Games

  • Interrupts you when you’re talking.
  • Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
  • Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what he’s talking about anymore.
  • Changes the subject to divert your attention.
  • Tells you what you really mean to say.
  • Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
  • Re-defines words to mean what he or she wants them to mean.
  • Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to him from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
  • Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.

Tries to Appear Better Than You

  • “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
  • “At least I have a job.”
  • “You know nothing about the real world!”
  • “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”

Insults People And Pets You Love

  • “Why don’t you leave, have your geriatric dog leave too and I hope he falls dead.”
  • “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
  • Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
  • “Your kid is such a sissy!”
  • “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
  • “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”

Sexual Insults And Injuries

  • Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
  • Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
  • “You were just a good fuck.”
  • Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
  • Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
  • Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
  • Uses sexual or racial slurs because he knows you don’t like them.
  • Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
  • Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
  • Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.

Insults Your Ideas and Dreams

  • The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
  • Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
  • Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
  • “That is never going to work.”
  • Mocks and makes fun of you.

Does Not Care About Your Medical Issues

  • You’re hurt after a fight with him and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
  • Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
  • Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
  • Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
  • Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.

Thoughtless of Your Needs

  • Makes lunch for him or herself without asking if you want any (on purpose).
  • Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
  • Does not ask you about your day.
  • Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
  • Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.

Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools

  • Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
  • Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
  • Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.

Disrespects Your Belongings

  • Destroys things that are important to you.
  • Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
  • Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
  • Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
  • Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
  • Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
  • Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
  • Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.

Withholds Financial Information or Money

  • Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
  • Makes you give them your paycheck.
  • Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
  • Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
  • Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
  • Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
  • Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.

Threatens Or Intimidates You

  • “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
  • “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
  • “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
  • Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know he’s hitting things to scare you.
  • Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
  • Spits on you.
  • Threatens to take you to court over issues he’ll know he’ll lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
  • Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.

Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically

  • Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
  • Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
  • “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
  • “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”

Physically Insults or Assaults You

  • Spits on you.
  • Blocks your exit.
  • Drags you.
  • Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
  • Hits, punches, or slaps you.
  • Kicks you.
  • Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
  • Pinches you
  • Squeezes you too tightly.
  • Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.

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736 responses to “Things Abusers Say and Do to Gain Power Over You”

  1. Anonymous

    Dont forget about the non physical threats they may make like threatening to take the kids away from you or to close the bank account so you cant have access to money. It doesnt matter that he cant actually do it. It still creates fear of what he can do to you if he wants to.

    1. angel

      That is why its good to have a big brother or someone you know to talk to. Its not good for a woman to be alone with no family of her own or a very good friend she can trust.. When a man knows that he can’t get away with abuse, he either stops, or walks away. Its sad and I feel like I’m getting an ulcer just reading this. I would not bare to take it, I would have to threaten him to end it, but that is why before you even consider marrying someone you love, have him/her sign a prenup so even if that should come up, you won’t fear him taking your assets. Really you need to take your time getting to know someone. Its best to hurt by telling him to leave and be out of your site than take the chance on marrying him and finding out he was the wrong guy. They are all lovy duddy in the beginning and then you never know.

    2. Amy

      Wow my marriage!!! I am so sick of these roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of walking on egg shells just hoping he is in a good mood. Hoping nothing stresses him out. I am sick of feeling like I am nothing. I don’t even feel like I can think for myself anymore. I am thinking for him and what I think he would want. When he is upset with me and I feel like the words he spoke my whole day is shot I can’t focus at all. I am a chicken with her head cut off or I am a zombie. 20 years I have been married 20 years I never know what my day will be like tomorrow. Will he be mad? Or will he feel like a loving husband? I just don’t know anymore

    3. mandie

      Thank you so much! I have read a million pages and this one…. Hit home… I’ll never need to search again I know longer feel crazy if I could only find a way to get out now…. Fat chance but thank you so much

    4. Scroll to the bottom of this page: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/

      You’ll find a free version of the best safety plan ever (in my humble opinion). Download it and use it. Your fat chance just got a little thinner.

    5. mandie

      What if being alone is just as miserable as being in an emotionally abusive relationship

    6. Mandie, being alone can be as miserable as being abused because you don’t know how to keep your own company. In fact, abusive people are attracted to people who don’t know how to be alone, those who don’t know how to keep their own company.

      I wouldn’t be surprised if this is not your first abusive relationship. Perhaps your parents played into this problem too?

      Do you have a therapist who can help you find yourself? Therapy tends to be quicker than doing it alone. But you can start by asking yourself questions like:

      What do I like to do?
      What would I like to learn about?
      Who do I want for friends?
      What books do I like?
      When was the last time I was happy? sad? scared?

      These questions may be surprisingly hard to answer. But if you explore yourself, then the attention you give your abuse will diminish. And hey – maybe one day you’ll like yourself so much that you believe being by yourself would be a LOT better than being with someone who abuses you.

    7. btw i have no family who can help or would.no friends. i’m fucked completely

    8. Tonya

      It’s even worse when a man from church thinks he. Has the right to openly degrade you. If my father were standing there he would have never came into my personal space and got into ny face and degraded.me. It’s bad enough when a partner does it. But when a church man..boss…non father in law..it is highly uncomfortable. If you stand up for yourself they become crazier. The goal is to smash you…and they would not act that way if you had male loved ones around.

    9. Wow….right on the money

    10. bitch

      my “husband” grabbed me by the throat and slapped my face and said, “stop it!!! JUST FUCKING STOP IT!!” I retaliated by kicking him and said, “I AM NOT YOUR PERSECUTOR!!” his face went blank, he said “YES, YOU ARE” cold-blooded old times

    11. Samuel the Wise

      A prenup can’t protect you from a butcher knife. What’s the point in saving your yacht when your kids are floating face down in the pool?

    12. L

      This breaks my heart to read bc no one openly marries and abusive man! This is a gradual process that usually happens slowly and takes the person a long time to realize that she is being abused. Remember intimidation/insecurity and control are the main issues. Do you really think a man like this will sign a pre nup? Do you really believe he wouldn’t find a way to manipulate the woman who loves him. Pls don’t post when you clearly do not understand abuse and how hard it is to leave due to low self esteem, lack of resources, fear. You SAY you would never deal with it. So did I and here I am. Fully involved in an abusive relationship. It’s ppl like you who make ppl who are abused feel like an outcast and even more reclusive bc they haven’t left.

    13. Joseph

      I have seen women, chase abusive men. Some of them are abusive themselves, and really work at pushing the buttons.
      I was married to abusive woman, and never again will I tolerate the behavior. If one thinks they have the right to assault me, that will be there final action. Some of you women, need to think the same. If you don’t have the physical strength, learn self defense and use the tools necessary to defend yourself.

    14. Hi Joseph, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I just wanted to thank you for your comment. Both Kellie (who wrote this blog) and I agree that it is important to acknowledge that men are also victims of Domestic Violence. I do know though, when Kellie writes, she writes from the perspective of a woman who has been abused because she is a woman. She does not write this way to offend the men who have been abused and read her blog, she just writes what she knows from her own life. I hope that makes sense. I do agree that abuse in relationships is a human issue, not a gender issue.

      Take care, Janet

    15. Anonymous

      I’m a man that is in the whole roller coaster relationship. She trys to say it’s bipolar but they didn’t diagnose her with it when she so to see the mental Dr. Sorry not go at spelling.

    16. Keep in mind that a mental illness is not a reason to STAY with someone abusing you. If you are being hurt by your partner, you are not obligated to stay even if there is a mental illness diagnosis. There is no reason to sacrifice YOUR mental health because an abusive partner cannot or will not control her behavior.

      But, in defense of mental illness diagnoses, bipolar disorder is often misdiagnosed or undiagnosed for a long period of time. Especially bipolar 2 which has few (if any) manic episodes. Bipolar 2 typically includes hypomanic episodes which aren’t as dramatic or noticeable as manic episodes. Hypomania, at its mildest, could be described as simply “feeling better” from depression.

    17. Reagan

      I appreciate that you are trying to offer up a solution to one of the tactics abusers love to use…the one where they threaten or actually do take control of your assets. However, I dont know how successful it would be because abusers that threaten assets most likely have a history doing such which means they are VERY aware of the chosen tactic. Therefore, I just dont see them agreeing to sign a prenup knowing full well it could hinder their efforts later. Assets are tricky with this them. I always hid certain things like any amount of cash, no matter how small the amount, because knowing I had something (literally, at times I would have less than $1 to my name but it felt better than $0) was better than nothing at all. I looked at it this way….if I were locked out and thirsty or hungry or needed to make a call or get a ride even, I could at least offer someone my $1….my $1 could get me SOMETHING. So cash was ALWAYS an asset I watched out for….change dropped, change left over from a purchase, change in couch/chair cushions. It also helped me gain some sort of confidence and an independent feeling despite how little it was. SOME level of control was better than none at all. Any move foward is always going to be better than one move backwards. Altho you feel there stands a “fat chance” of being able to leave…do yourself even the slightest move in the right direction….eventually, tho slowly, you will gain some level of independence. Eventually you DO begin to build on that self confidence and you DO begin to gain pieces of independence that become a little larger and a little more larger each day. So hide what you need to be protected from them…money, a sentinental photo (even if its one photo you treasure…hide it from them to keep it safe from being ripped up…while at the same time it builds your sense of independence and confidence. Plus they won’t notice the smallest of things being hidden away from them if subtle enough 😉). Over time, these little things I would do made it easier for me to take that leap when finally the time had come. It was still a little scary and I didnt know where I would go exactly or even how I would get there….but I knew I was GOING. And I went. Once I had crossed that most difficult line of leaving (and I knew there would be no going back, if I did I knew he would make me PAY)….I felt more free than I ever had in all of my life! I suddenly realized that I had NOBODY to answer to other than myself! I could go wherever I felt….come back whenever I wanted…and NOBODY was gonna be sitting and waiting for an explanation of my whereabouts. I even recited it out loud to myself because it seemed so unreal. But it was very real. Gone were those days of walking on eggshells. I could finally breathe AND it was time for me to begin to LIVE (it has now been approx 11 years since that day 😃)…so do NOT ever worry about feeling lonely if you were to leave….you will make new friends quicker than you believe you could because there will be nobody isolating you any longer or accusing you of anything. But until that moment comes, where you finally push yourself thru that doorway and out into the world, just try to protect some things from them by hiding them well and this will start you into that mode of feeling some level of confidence too. My best wishes to you all! I am proof that it can be done!

    18. Anonymous

      You are very on point. Thank you

    19. Anonymous

      I don’t even have a house or car key I am never alone except when I am at work he has hit me chocked me call me names says it’s over then doesn’t leave he doesn’t help me financially or emotionally he doesn’t help with housework all I do is cry and I have been getting sick and I think the unbelievable stress is causing me to be ill he says it’s all in my head he doesn’t hold me or comfort me when I cry but makes fun of me calling me a crybaby he has chocked me slapped me leaving painful bruises we were driving in the car I did not have my sealtbelt on he jammed on the brakes and I hit the dashboard thought my collar bone was broken it took some time to heal he never takes me anywhere or never buys me any presents I have no friends and no family my children had to call the police because I was sick my son took me to the hospital and when I came home I payed down on the couch and he kept poking me and bouncing up and down on the couch would not let me rest told me not to go to the hospital because I woul regret it

    20. Jay

      Women do many of these things, too… Often, the abuse men deal with from bad relationships is in the form of verbal and emotional abuse— and the gaslighting tactic those female abusers use is often to project their own forms of abuse onto their male partners, claiming they themselves are the ones being abused.

      Been there, done that, stuck around ‘cause I thought i could save her from her BPD. Can’t be done. It’s enough to drive a sane person crazy—or at least question their own sanity.

    21. Well, I entered abuse at 14 until 33yrs of age with the same man, I had three children by him, Just one day I got so fed up, and got courage and got out of it.. I believe my mother prayers help, I saw that the cycle just repeated and repeated every lie he said was over & over & over like a broken record nothing never change,. What shook me up the most was when he told me,he was gonna blow my head off, something in me didn’t just shake this off, my instincts were time to get out! So ladies & gentlemen it never ends r stops! My children never deserve to go through this, we are about to do some counseling soon, You have to ask God for help this isnt his plan for your life considering life is already to short! May God bless you..

    22. Cindy

      Thank you!

    23. Anonymous

      Well ladies, life is hard but we are know longer alone. Even if your in the abuse now, there is a world of women, girls or as l like to say female angels . We want love but life isn’t always perfect but a draining death from a man is a slow death and suicide if he is abusing you. It will never change and you are not responsible for any of it. But choosing to kill yourself by staying in it , is your responsibility not his. This is real life or your death sugar up as a man you love. Its your death so what way will you go?

    24. Anonymous

      I am a man taking the abuse from my wife tells me she’s gonna cheat goes out and doesn’t come back till mornings and tells me it’s none of my f ing business where she’s been , says she out to slit my throat while I sleep constantly cuts me down and the worst part is I am a Pastor and she aims to be a minister, being led by God ,,,,, an abomination signed Hurting Pastor. ,,,,, but there is now no condemnation for those who r in Christ Jesus.

    25. Anonymous


    26. Susan

      I was envoled with a verbally abusive man He calls me names ,intimidate me, Over all he hit me twice and dragged me with my hoodie , anytime he verbally abuse me I just want to run and leave him.This time he left me because I said something bad to him this time , I said I will have to throw you in the river so the fishes and crocodiles can ate you up ,then he said I better not show myself to him ,that was it he dissapeared in my life .

    27. Rob

      I am a male and my partner does most of the above. I stay at work late so I don’t have to come home to her, she calls my Mother and says that I am the problem and cause her to be the way she is. It is becoming unbearable and I don’t know what to do, because she will take our son away. It is tricky for me, because people say ‘man up’ or take the side of the women in all cases.

    28. I feel for you, Rob. There certainly is a stigma attached to being an abused male that puts you in a catch-22. I hope you reach out to people who can see through the stigma. Try http://thehotline.org. Many people know that women abuse men, so don’t give up until you find them.

    29. Reagan

      You are ao right that often the women are believed to always be the abused one. And it is common for the women to take the children and there does not seem to be as many repercussions when they do so. I have seen it from both sides. This day and age it is becoming more prevalent with women becoming the abusers. Just remind yourself that there ARE people that realize this is taking place. Many women relaize it too. From judges all the way down. So just know that you are NOT alone in this battle. There is also a group that helps men with custody of their kids and they offer a wealth of information and assistance. They are called Fathers Rights. You might start with them to find out where you would stand as far as your son goes and see if they have any suggestions or can direct you on where to turn. My best wishes to you!

    30. Rudy


    31. Jodi A Mahoney

      Yes. Mine has called me crazy from the get go and always threatened to take my kids because he has always claimed I wasnt a good mother over incidents where he bullied me and cut me down so low I started believing what he said and left town for 24 hours. That gets thrown in my face whenever he cheats or nearly makes us homeless or the power gets turned off. No matter how hard I’ve tried to fix what hes screwed up, he will always come behind me and screw it up again especially if I’m down with my health. No matter what, hes always going to throw things back on me instead of taking responsibility. Rhe first time I wasnt able to handle everything under our roof and fell by the wayside, instead of jumping in and helping he told me he thought I was stronger than that. I had been working, having babies, taking my older son to sporting events and practices along with our two babies until my body and brain gave out. That’s when I knew it was downhill I’d I xouldnt handle everything and his own father told me that. He has cheated, lied, gaslighted. Doesn’t know how to put us first. He believes hes entitles to do what he wants even though he makes consistently bad decisions. It’s over now but it wont be easy because I have to live with him until the divorce is final and I’m financially ruined already and that will only get worse. He will always be financially ruined just like he was when I met him, only he hid that from me until after the wedding. I even suspect the loan i took out before we got married paidnforbmybown engagement ring. His own father told me right after we got married that he wasnt responsible and I would have to handle everything. Thanks a lot asshole for allowing your son whom you never took time with, to ruin a good person’s life Nd go on to ruin his own childrens lives. I’m an idiot for not going through with any one of the three divorces I filedfor, the first one being right after the wedding and I was pregnant with our first child. He has been a food manipulator and liar. Started cheating two year into our marriage that I know of. I feel like shit being with this individual. I’ll be so relieved when the ink dries and the dust settles after 19 years.

    32. Jesica Alvarado

      I don’t understand how they think?. He lies so much that his story is not only not right…but like it’s common sense that he denies knowing ma king me think is it me?…is he mentally down syndrome???. And im so mad at a developmeltally delayd person.??? Does he really believe his lies or does he just tell it to blame me so he doesn’t feel bad. Or so he doesn’t have to apologize???? Over and over and over
      . How does he really think. I wonder if he feels bad for doing what he does to us. Or does he really think he had a right it was my fault. Or is it really me??

      I question myself so much.
      If I’m thinking wrong I would want to know so I can fix it. But I start to question my thinking. How do I know if what I think is right.

      Then he plays my family agents me…he does it so sly like. Lies to them anything they complain about me he hangs onto and he throws what they say in on top of what he says and plays my family so they…all hate me and They think I’m gone…I’m living in this hell. And he’s making my family fall apart.
      And he
      Uses them he won’t work any more than he has to so my family helps buy our kids clothing…gifts bdays….fun stuff and ants me to give up everythjng so he doesnt have to work…we barrow I want to pay back but he acts like it’s owed to him he barrows money and won’t pay back because he can’t a Ford to has to pay his shit first and never has any left to pay them back. He’s OK with that.
      Am I wrong to want to pay back before I pay my stuff. I would be thankful.

      Then he does things and deny it. I’ll show him a text from a girl he delete it and says what text. …ur kidding me. Does he feel bad??at night does he regret but is to far in deep to stop or …I would be so guilt ridden. I would feel so bad….


      Can it be my fault he choked me out and went to jail. Which cased 10 thousand plus $$ put us in debt. Top it
      My family took him in for a few and paid my daughters horse bill to help us out well
      His probation officer went into the house and went throigh everyrhing and so my familys roommate didnt like it and left and .so now we pay the bill due to she isn’t getting the rent money anylonger. But that’s common sense right????

      Or when you consistently lie. Accusations will be made…right.

      Or when you yell at me telling me how I pay rent doesn’t count..so I stopped paying rent that way ..it didn’t count right. ..suddenly I’m imature and stupid and childish and retarded. That it’s my fault we are in debt(not him and his 10 thousands bucks…umm hello am I wrong) because now we both have to work to pay it a different way….. But he said it didn’t count I pays it fine until he said that… but he tele it’s my fault. Am I wrong is it my fult. Omg.

      How can he not see all was fine until he lied a million times over and I busted him told him it hurts to stop and it’s my fult we are here angry. If I just shut up.

      Or he called me every name in the book why not the girl that didn’t know me he talked shit about me with …shes not mean ..how am i….
      .am I wrong….please

      if he can live better off with out I and his two kids because Im not good with the momoney why doesn’t he just go then. And if he stays because he knows he’s wrong then why doesn’t he try to fix it ….I don’t get it

    33. Denise

      Wow… You just wrote my exact life!!

    34. Anonymous

      Yes, it has happened
      I’m a good mother, never in trouble, don’t drink
      Don’t smoke , was abused for ten years
      Still after divorce for 12 years,
      And he was committed to a mental hospital for trying to kill me
      A judge recently gave him sole custody
      Made me wave 18$ thousand back child support
      Judge refused all my evidence “ off record “
      It’s a nightmare
      My ex has violated a restraining order by sending me unsigned cards in the mail mocking me & trying to key he know I will never be free of him

      Our justice system is just as corrupt
      I’ve had attorneys. No one helps
      My daughter wants to see me but he makes excuses
      He has abused them as he did me
      They r afraid to say anything

      Please pray for me

    35. separated

      Praying dear. I’m not too far off from your situation. You are NOT wrong. I question myself every day too, and the part of me that questions everything thinks I should be institutionalized and am a horrible evil person. But I’m NOT. Everyone in MY life (not OURS, because they all enable it by doing nothing), says I’m a good person, my counselors have all swooned about how caring and loving they notice me to be, and God has told me I am his Child full of Love and Truth. The part of me that questions it all is now small, maybe 5%, and though I try to push it away, it’s totally healthy and okay to have a 5% part of me that questions everything. I just have to remember how small that part is, that it’s not taking me over like he did, it can’t throw things at me like he did, I CAN control that part of me even though I couldn’t control him.

  2. Zoe

    My father was the abuser and so much of what you talk about on here was my life. My mothers life still. I have escaped him, but I can’t use my real name anywhere online because I can’t have them finding me. I blog about my experiences on buckwheatsrisk.com Thank you for doing what your doing.

    1. Sarah

      My father was the abuser too. I got out at 15 after my mother died. 7th, 8th and 9th grade were the worst 3 years of my life, mostly because he was abusing my bedridden mother, and there was nothing I could do about it. physically/verbally/emotionally abused her often. When he targeted me, I couldn’t fight back for my mother’s sake. Some of the crazy things he did:
      -he turned off the water when I was in the shower because he had to pee or to control us.
      -he didn’t allow my mom to have her diabetes shots or morphine, which were crucial.
      -he manipulated the doctors and nurses at the hospital (yet they didn’t think about how he was treating us at home)
      -he kept us from seeing any of the family and our friends and stopped them from visiting mom.
      -he would drive around, ranting and yelling until we agreed with what he said. We were trapped in the car
      -he made me go to church and then ranted about how horribly I behaved and how I have to honor my parents and the priest said this and that
      -he said “you killed your mother with your stupidity”
      -he said “oh yeah, you’re a perfect saint. more like sainten.” (he meant satan. that’s how whacked he is)
      after all this, my social worker still pressured me to visit him. because apparently he has the “right” to see me because he’s my father.

    2. angel

      I would tell the social worker, I suffered abuse and I’m not happy so I need to go far away , If he didn’t respect your presence, he will respect your absence

    3. AMA

      It’s very important to talk about these issues- great blog- fantastic responses. I especially like what Kelly Joe Holly says in her comment about mental illness and abusive behaviour.. Excellent explanation so much that could be a web page all of its own..
      Great blog – because these stories are amazing. It is brilliant that you can recognise what we deserve as humans and how we should treat each other with care. It is brilliant to hear people becoming more aware that this mistreatment exists. It is not love and abuse should never be compromised or excused. I’d like to think my advice would be – set people straight.. There is no place for abuse- everyone deserves a happy existence not just 1 person. Many are scared to take a leap of faith however if there is one thing I’ve learnt is belief- believe in you – and know being with ‘you’ is better than being miserable and feeling unhappy and mistreated. You are worth a million dollars and if others don’t believe that by treating you well -why are you sacrificing your worth..? Its not easy but once you realise the true high value of your time spent, your life (1 life..) your energy, reflect and know growth comes in one direction- towards the sun – never let people bring you down and never push anyone down in the same way. Live your life for a purpose that is for you know you are amazing with the good you do.

    4. Dear Sarah,
      If you go to a shelter for abused women, they will help you go underground so that you never have to, or be forced to see your father ever again, no matter what a social worker says.

      You are old enough to make your own decisions now Sarah. Remember Sarah, the social worker is there for you, not the other way around. The time you spend with the social worker should be a time for you to talk about whatever you feel the need to discuss. This is your life Sarah and you sound mature enough to speak up for yourself, trust your gut! Like I said, just let it be known in no uncertain terms that you are not open to the topic. Take care of yourself Sara and know that someone out here is thinking of you and praying for you Hon.

    5. Patti

      I was also in a similar relationship,in a foreign land with a foreign language and three children
      It took a while but I got out
      I took my children with me. I have never regretted it

  3. MissMay

    Wow, you just described my husband exactly! I was wondering if he’s actually abusive or if I’m “making it up so people will feel sorry for me [you]” like he says…

    1. amy

      My husband is verbally abusive he is military i dont work cause im always sick from stress we only been married 7 months we dont have sex he say i dont look like the women in his porn he materbates constantly and makes me sleep on a metal bunk bed so he can watch porn and jack off all night. My kids cant even be around when he home cause i fear they will wake up in the middle of the night and see him. What should i do.

    2. Kristi

      1-800-799-7233 Contact them and they will tell you what help is available in your area.

    3. Helena

      My husband has had very little sex with me over 19 years. When I was pregnant, he would ask: Do they have pregnant women in porn magazines? No, because they are disgussing. Later he had the 9pm rule: no sex after 9 pm. After 9pm it is me time and he would masturbate, do porn.I thought abusers had lots of sex. One time, I wanted to check what type of porn he watched to see if he was gay? At least, in my case, I was never attacked!

      Amy, get OUT!

    4. Pixi

      Go to a womens refuge , or domestic violence shelter or service near you for help.

    5. Miss Ronnie

      Omg. Amy, obviously anyone would answer your question: LEAVE! . But it’s not that simple….but it sounds like you may be able to. I hope you can gather up the strength, if you haven’t already left, (you have the courage inside of you). Key is planning. But please, don’t take too long. Any money you can hide (in a private bank account, etc..) don’t keep ANY paperwork around for it though. If you take precautions, you should report him to the military, I do think they allow DV. It is dishonorable behavior. But you should be very clear of what he does and keep a journal, not in the house. But with someone you can trust. Keep searching via any DV services for a safehouse where you will have time to come up with a plan for your near future. You don’t want your children seeing him treat you that way. The sooner you get out, the better. $ etc..is not that important. I know you posted over 2 years ago, but please leave. Being alone (no man) for a while will be beneficial when you finally do leave….so that you will lessen your risk of entering another DV situation. It may not be easy at a shelter (by any means). But keep looking, there are services that may provide- help with first month’s rent, used furniture, clothes, etc… But if you are able to work, you can save till you have a little. You haven’t invested too much in this so far….you can do it. The consequences of staying much longer are not fun. Ask God for strength, he will help you with that. Just be careful.

    6. Em

      My husband had a drink and drugs problem for the last 5 years of our relationship, throughout this time he would verbally, mentally and physically abuse me, whether he was drunk, cokes up or on a come down in the morning, We have 2 children who are now ages 9 and 10. If I decided to join him in having a drink on an evening he would reach a time, usually around 11pm and start laying into me, insulting me, carrying on at me for spending £4 at the shop for the kids treats, baring in mind he’d spend £100 a day on his Coke!! Because he was functioning running his own business, he would call me a lazy bitch for watching tv on an evening after the kids were in bed, whilst he worked his arse off all night!! ( drinking in the kitchen) he would bully and intimidate me so I would scarper off to bed and leave him alone on his laptop “working” though as I later realised he was on porn sites wanking away!! That’s why he would start arguing with me, i later found a bag of leather gloves stashed in his van that he would use to satisfy his dirty little fetish. Before our children sexual I did everything he wanted me to do, dressing up, smoky bj’s( smoking whilst sucking him off with leather gloves on) thigh boots, everything! Whilst he’d just get naked and leave his socks on ! Anyway I went off track a little there, but I did everything for the kids, the house, for him and worked and he still slagged me off and told me I wasn’t good enough, I suffered depression often from this and he would mock me and tell me I was a joke and ridiculous.
      Anyway finally I left him, took the kids and left, stayed at my parents for 6 weeks then rented us a house, whilst he stayed in our family home, I got away I did it, then he stalked and harrassed me, any weekend 62 missed calls, 40 missed calls, 50 missed calls. He got my phone bill highlighted any calls that were late at night or frequent and called these people. Telling them I am his wife and why are they in contact with me??
      And after all that he is here right now in my house, telling me I’m a horrible person and not all there with my depression, I have no concept of reality ir real life !
      How have I undone all my hard work and allowed him to be back here still controlling my life ???
      I really need help

    7. Reagan

      The abuse I dealt with was very similar to your situation. I was told that I could not perform as well as the women in the porn videos and I didnt look as they did. But just think of this….your body didn’t change and distort in that 7 short months since you all got married. So be careful to not let him tear you down to where you befin to believe him. The women in those videos are airbrushed with makeup and yeah a lot of the performances are real….but what will she be like in bed 20 years down the road after all of those men have been with her? My ex also stayed up a lot masturbating to porn. And let me tell you in the end what I had discovered. He was impotent and he had a drug problem…specifically meth. I was aware of the impotence altho he would try to play it off as something else causing him to not be able to perform up to par (drank too much, I stressed him out, and this is where the “you dont look like those women” come from etc). He was embarrassed and just could NOT admit that he was impotent. He REFUSED to even acknowledge it! But he could masturbate and relieve his sexual drive that way because it doesn’t require the hardness needed to penetrate a woman. I feel that he was doing it what seemed like to me around the clock….he was CONSTANTLY watching it and pulling at himself. It was on my ever loving last f’n NERVE. He seemed to never be entirely satisfied. Later on, I discovered the meth problem which explained even more. It can cause some people to be HYPER sexual, they never feel satisfied sexually, they always want more it seems. It can make some people IMPOTENT over time. And it often causes aggressiveness in people. So mine relationship was the perfect storm a brewing. I would suggest, but be very cautious so as not to anger him, I would watch for some clues to see if drugs are involved. With meth they can easily stay up all those long hours and run on very little to no sleep. After a few days of this they generally crash out and sleep for about 2 days straight around the clock at a MINIMUM. Depends on how long they have been up. They will start many “projects” around the house but generally they dont finish any of them. They eat very little but when they do it is often sweets they crave because their body is low on manganese (not to be confused with magnesium). You may also see them hyperfocused on something for long periods of time….longer than you or I would spend on something of little importance. Such as sanding on a piece of wood to make something silly but they will focus on it for maybe 3-4 hours…just sanding away. Then whatever you discover to be the case for you….you will then be at a crossroads of making a decision on how to handle your situation. I myself did not want to be with a meth addict and all that I knew was sure to come with. If he is not abusing drugs then it could be that he is simply impotent and just can not come to terms with that and some men are that way. Undiagnosed diabetes is one cause of impotency. Sometimes if the problem is corrected so will the impotence. Getting him to address it will be the hurdle. There are also techniques out there that can “retrain” his thought process if it is anxiety driven. So you might google and research the best ways to confront this issue as gently and inoffensive as can be. Hope this has helped in some way and that you are able to find resolution. My best regards!

    8. Reagan

      I forgot to mention one very important aspect to the meth abuse….they often will obtain sex elsewhere, even meeting up from online chat places that connect you to one night stands etc in whatever area you are in. And there are TONS of them! It is SCARY. My ex had picked a chic up online and attempted sex with her….the only jewel when they ARE impotent 😉. So be very careful because you certainly do not want or need any venereal disease. If that were to happen, however, many states now allow you to legally hold your partner responsible in damages if they knowingly give you something, whether they contracted it BEFORE you met or during, as long as they KNEW it could be passed to you but said nothing. I pray this isnt the case for you.

    9. Jackie

      I was feeling the same way. And I still am being told constantly I’m making it up and he doesn’t abuse me. If I’m being abused why don’t I just take my two children and walk away (meanwhile I live in the 8th most expensive city in North America for rent and the 5th in Canada; Barrie, Ont.) there is one shelter and I left here to go there with my kids only to be across town from their school and having to spend $10-$30 a day on transportation from them 2 and from school while being expected to care for my puppy who was still living with him at the Time. I ended up being kicked out of the shelter on Christmas Day for making a video of my kids meeting “santa” in a common area of the shelter. He was being really nice at Xmas and he said move back in I promise the “abusement” will stop (he’s not too bright)
      Ofcourse now I moved back in because I wanted to USE him some more and I lied about being kicked out or why I was kicked out, etc. And obviously if I was really being abused I could pull my kids out of school and just move to my parents house (where I’m not wanted or welcome) which has no internet or access to any services I need.
      I could go on, I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. He knows he’s abusing you and even though it feels that way. We are not trapped .

  4. A wife who is abused

    The uniformity of the pattern in all abusers surprises me. Is this a psychological ailment or how would you term it?

    1. The behaviors abusive people use to control their targets are not symptoms of any one mental disorder listed in the DSM-IV (‘bible’ of psychiatry diagnosis). This means that, as of psychiatry and psychology’s understanding today, abusive people are not mentally ill.

      SOME abusive people are mentally ill and/or fit the diagnosis for disorders in the DSM-IV. For example, narcissists and sociopaths can be highly abusive, but this DOES NOT mean that all abusive people are narcissists or sociopaths.

      The uniformity of abuser tactics used to surprise me, too, but it doesn’t anymore. There are only so many ways a person can brainwash and take control of a target. The behaviors to control have been honed to a science over time. The details, the triggering statements for the TARGET are different, but the techniques abusers use are the same.

      For example, an abuser’s last partner may have loved horses, so triggering her about her love for them had good effect for the abuser. But the next partner doesn’t care for horses, so the same topic will not trigger. The abuser only changes the topic, not the technique.

      Does that make sense?


      This is invaluable information to empower those who have suffered abuse. I endured 12 years of marriage to a highly abusive man who fit this profile perfectly. Why did it take so long for me to leave? The abuse was insidious and covert, gradually increasing over time in such a calculated manner that I questioned myself and the reality of my abusive situation. Now I can clearly see the pattern and nature of abuse which developed over time. Counseling helped significantly, but truth was key to ending the abuse for me.

    3. Sam

      My wife is doing just about all those things to me and it’s has got physical I am a man and don’t have nobody to turn to for help

    4. Brim

      I’m currently reading the book The object of my affection is in my reflection by Rokelle Lerner…it is a very useful tool in dealing with a Narcissistic person and an abusive person. My husband was diagnosed with NPD. I have survived hell and now I’m learning how to live life. Even though your spouse or partner, whomever is abusing you, may not be diagnosed with NPD…I have found my NPD husband shares every trait with every abuser people on here talk about…he fits the bill. He is an abuser. He is atrocious in his abuse. But I have learned to deflect, shield, and detach from his words. I don’t usually comment on these forums, just draw from others experience so I hope this helps someone else who is desperate and barely breathing.
      There is light at the end of the tunnel we just have to look inward to find it!

    5. Anonymous

      What ever is their enjoyment..they want you ad miserable as them. It is sad.

  5. Doug-Free

    Don’t forget:
    Takes your cell phone away, and when you grab for it, tells you you’re the real abuser in the relationship
    Threatens to use your history of psychiatric treatment to have you committed
    Tells his buddies how crazy you are
    After a while, you are not allowed to ask whether he’ll be home for supper or just hanging out at the bar with all the clearly superior middle-aged barflies
    Hides psychedelic drugs in your home and sells them to the middle-aged barflies, then tells you about it
    However, complains when he finally comes home to no wife…

    1. michele

      WOW!!! I have read 100s of articles about abuse as well as the comments… and finally, finally I see my experience in this comment!! He is a typical abuser in every way– does everything on the list, but the grabbing cell phone back from him, committed, tells friends, not allowed to ask, selling drugs to skanks… OMG!!!!

      IM THE ABUSER… thats why I had the black eye, fat lip, stangled, spit on, slapped, kicked and bit right through my skin so many times…

      Thank you Doug-free!

    2. angel

      I had a gut instinct about controlling after my fiance was mad crazy about the prenup my dad gave him, because his house is in my name. Then he wrote me this long research type letter by email to insult me and my family about the prenup and doing the opposite, saying that we are the gold diggers when we are the ones with the money and he has nothing. I didn’t even tell my family about the letter because I know how the mafiozi type men how they would react. I think he didn’t like I had love and protection and he couldn’t do much so he tried abusing me by emailing me. We told him he had time to go and change the prenup, but instead of calling us, he just tried hinting my mom for the money in his own way. He knew I loved him so I would swallow the poison and cry but honestly like a good christian I would not want him hurt. He had no real love in his life so i feel sorry for him, meanwhile I told him to walk out of my life because I can’t trust him anymore and all I do is cry. I had to be a lion and say don’t contact me anymore. Deep inside I was a mess and didn’t really want to leave him, but when I asked God to give me a sign if this is maybe just a big mistake a misunderstanding, I found his text telling me that he hoped that I find someone who will love me and sign the paper. Why my gut instinct was right at that point and the abuse t added to my strength to say good bye. All this happened this summer two weeks before my wedding . In 5 days it will be 6 months since the day I was supppose to get married. He wanted to be friends. I said no, I prefer to stay far away from you so if God wants us together, he will bring us together, but I told him you better make mends with God and your past baggage and leave me alone. Until you do, you will live alone. I cannot accept this behavior. I guess that is the Spartan in me. Don’t think Spartan men were tough, the woman were just as tough, maybe not physically in battle, but in words and they were also taught to defend themselves. The stories in here though I may have gone through if I had accepted him. I would have been in worse hands now and my dad and brother would go to jail because he would not live to see another day if he tried anything on me. I guess its best this way. I pray God forgives him and helps him, but for me I’m free from that type heartache. I pray for all who go through heartache, Keep God in your heart and make it a rock if you have to come to the point of divorce. You cannot live like that. I’m going to school now for a trade so I can be more independent and not have to worry of bumping into another loser. He was older than me by 5 yrs and I’m in my late 40’s

  6. Worried

    Does it always start so nice and normal? Once all your time is spent with them they slowly change, and then you are traped. I am crazy for wanting to leave, what about the kids? (Not his but very attached to him only known him for 9months)5 months of steady dating and introduced to kids. He has done many things that this has talked about, I dont know how I didnt see it. When the turning point was I don’t know but I sure see it now. The last draw was he is manipulating my children to see that I am wrong and that their father is to blame for his acting out. Worried because he has traped me by holding my money up, by having me purchase expensive things on my credit and being out money if he chooses not to help me pay like we verbally agreed. My family has turned their back on him and his family is after me because he was done wrong or they were by some slight. He is not to be blamed.

    1. Yes. It begins normally. If it didn’t start of “nice and normal”, then no one would ever stay with an abusive person past day 1. The abuser slowly reveals themselves or it occurs after a triggering event (ie moving in together, engagement or marriage, pregnancy, something that makes the abuser feel comfortable that you can’t or won’t leave).

    2. Anonymous

      I feel trapped also!! My GF abuses me all the time and makes me feel so inadequate 🙁 even today she has told me I’m a nothing and called my chick deem little c”””s. I feel so low! She has bitten me, hit me, cut my clothes up snapped my spectacles in two, now she is pregnant and I feel like I can’t talk or turn to no one ! Advice please?

    3. Hinterland

      For those not married, not living together for a year and that lent money look up Unjust Enrichment …Yup, after a year of knowing this fellow and two small red flags I sold my beautiful homestead farm in the hills and moved in with him. He’s a liar, controlling, insulting, scary, manipulative and threatening. He’s a madman, chortling and laughing like a hyena when I am defensive( which I shouldn’t be as it just feeds the feeding frenzy he is having). If Im not home on time, and he feels I’m running the road)…looking after my Mom or visiting my kids for a couple of hours… he is threatening to open all the gates and let my horses out.. slaughter the chickens, throw my possessions out, burn the barn down.. He kept borrowing money on a handshake.. and I paid for all his groceries and bills, repairs, equipment, horses and cattle, as he was laid off.,Total of about 100,000 in a few months. I felt bad for him and he said it would all come back to me once he started working again or sold a lot..Now he says if he makes money it will be to pay his mortgage off and that what I gave him was a gift. I found out that he was seeing/stalking his X abused alcoholic girlfriend right from the get go..There is absolutely nothing physical in our relationship, but was little in the beginning, he sits around naked on all my furniture playing with his private’s, he is crude, disgusting and tells everyone I gifted him the money for new machinery, fertilizer, feed and seed ect., I have only lived here for 5 months, everything I own and bought over 30 years is here with all my livestock. It’s the middle of winter everything is buried and I have no where to put my animals. I am 60 and have lived too long in a couple of other abusive relationship but this is the most ignorant stupid but cunning man I’ve met., I Found out he has spent 3 years total in jail for assault, he has threatened my life, and my horses. I am more educated and experienced about it now. So it hasn’t taken long to get fed up. He is pure hardcore narcissist. Read everything you can about it.. there is a lot to learn. No Feelings for this Abusive controlling monster. No love, no blinders, not allowing the cycle to revolve and he is not sure of how to manage that and lives in his delusion … no kiss and make up and back around…But my friends say.. play Hollywood..get that walk of star.. and play it out until you can Plan properly and get out. So I have to live with this disgusting boring scary little man until the snow melts, my stuff is uncovered, he hopefully goes back to his pastime pipeline job if Covid gets under control. Every moment I am here I am silently, or otherwise screaming.. what the hell have I done. Decades of acquiring an education, doing the been there done that, saving and working hard and bang… Im going to have to start over again. Meanwhile I’ve retained a Lawyer and going after Unjust Enrichment (Document Document Document) and every time I leave the property, if I can, I am filling my vehicle with packed boxes, valuables and bags. My daughters man is a cop and I could have thrown this loser into jail a few times now.. the last time was after I said with the way you keep threatening me you could find yourself in jail again so you should just stop… he came out a moment later and said.. I have never threatened you, and I never will. I would pull out a gun and blow your head off before You could even blink.. before you knew it was happening. I would never threaten you.
      I have plans to move my horseS but have to Find more feed, get fencing up where they are going 2 hours away. I collected over the years a ton of antiques and farm equipment that will also have to be moved again. This move is going to take a couple of weeks, and my timing has to be good and he needs to be off the property.
      He picked me because he had nothing to his name but his Scenic property that his family held for him while he was in jail, And a couple of Old tractors/baler/rake and debt when he met me. I had everything a farmer could want and I was his tool ticket to that.
      Too old for this shit but a I am so glad I am not young and naive anymore and spending another 15+ years in this sick environment like I have in an earlier life and that unfortunately so many others currently are.
      I’m counting the seconds to escape this hell hole in paradise. I’m just praying for patience to play it out right and keep my mouth shut and do somewhat what he says until I am gone because you can never ever let them, the abuser/narcissist know you are planning an escape. Don’t trust any of their Flying monkey enabling friends or family either.

  7. Worried

    He has trapped me finacially so that I cant go anywhere, Is making everything out to be everyones fault but his. Is aleinating my family from me, and I can only talk to his family. Tries to make me see what horrible people my family is and what great people his family is. I know the truth my mom lived this for 16 years. She said one day he just hit her thought of her as an item (his)to do with as he pleases. I am getting away, but it is a slow go, he monitors my every move, calls me constantly telling me he loves me…. but when he is angry he tells me I wont make it on my own, we have two big purchases in my name on my credit that he pays, he will take one of the items and wont pay me he has already said he would. I am withdrawing and he knows it. I have secretly got an apartment for the 20th of this month where my son and I will live away from him and his family. (son is safe with his father) I am taking precausions, notes at work my mother knows about all the things he has done. (none bad yet but there is defenetly potentional)

    1. Go talk to an attorney or make a phone call appointment with one. Get the facts from someone who knows. The attorney will help you plan what items to take with you when you leave – Possession is 99% of the law.

      Although hard to imagine now, when you go to court to divide the finances, they only look at black and white. They add up the value of what you have, then take away the value of what you owe. If the balance is negative, you will split the debt with him. If it is a positive balance, you will split that too.

      If you have a positive balance but it is because your home or some other investment has value, then whoever keeps the valuable “thing” must buy out the other partner.

      What I am saying is that he does not get to pick and choose what he keeps – items or debt.

      Don’t let him scare you, Worried. Call an attorney and get the facts.

      BTW – CONGRATULATIONS on your decision to leave that life-sucker. You will NOT regret it.

    2. Michele

      DO NOT tell the abuser you are leaving them. A lot of these men go into overdrive with the abuse when you make it known you are outta here. Some will even kill you, it happens every day, sadly.

      Start making a plan, put aside cash, credit cards, important papers. Make up a ‘bug out’ bag with clothes and personal effects. Don’t worry about getting out stuff like furniture, deal with that later if you must. Set a date, and then be gone. Go to a women’s shelter if you have to. Don’t tell anyone of your plans, either. Your so called friends might not be real friends, and could tip off your abuser just for the jollies and drama. TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.

      You can go to the police and get a restraining order, but remember the cops can’t help you until your abuser does something harmful. A lot of experts don’t recommend getting a restraining orders, they seem to cause more problems than not and won’t do you a bit of good if you are dead.

    3. Anonymous

      How did you get the apt?

  8. Charla Cobb

    Worried about my daughter…shes 19, married to a 43 year old, and pregnant. The last time she called it was her broken jaw…geeeese…how could someone do that to her? How come she forgave him? The time before that was a broken finger.She’s only a hundred pounds for crying out loud! Oh..yeah..and he doesn’t want her to be around me!!! And shes falling for it! The whole thing just disturbs me in every way!!! I can’t hardly even think about it or it just ruins my whole day! I gotta go…I shouldn’t have even brought it up! BYE!!!

    1. angel

      An abuser does not want any other family member or anyone around that can help the victim so he can keep controlling. You better not ignore this, because it can get worse and don’t you dare close the door and say you should not have brought it up, please get help!!!!!!!!!

    2. Anonymous

      Angel, my now ex husband would get mad and would become verbally inappropriate because I called my parents. He would say I can talk to everyone else but not him. He would rant and rave as early as 6 am daily. He told mychdren I was suicidal and I had a boyfriend. I was always a happy person but I fell in a depression and withdrew from family and friends. I began changing me trying to make him happy and no matter what I tried to do it was always wrong! Glad I found the courage and strength to file for divorce

    3. Phil

      Why is this all aimed at men. I think I’m being abused mentally. But I love her so much. I’m making excuses in my head but I dunno if I’m right or not. I feel worthless and any little thing I say or do get twisted in to I’m controlling or Dint do enough or my kids are retards or our baby would be better off without me

    4. Yes, Phil, that sounds like abuse. The excuses in your head are normal, but that doesn’t make them healthy. You’re experiencing the confusion that every abuse victim feels at some point, but love does not make the abuse stop.

    5. Anonymous

      Look, this post is much later, but I just wanted to comment. Do not turn your back on your daughter. In fact, keep your nose in their business, take your daughter aside and feed her the opposite of what he is saying, at least some of it might sink in. He wants you separated, don’t let him win. If he wins, he will only abuse her more. You gave birth to her, you know her better than anyone, offer to help her leave him until she can get on her feet, and if you really love her, offer to move away from him with her so he can’t find you. This may save her life.

  9. It’s hard coming out of denial and facing the truth knowing someone can be so cruel. I live with a narcissist that is brutal with his mouth. Mine is a long story and at the moment I’m trying to stay positive but it is hard. I am broke in every way and scared. Right now I just want to go to sleep.

    1. angel

      Pray to the Lord to help you make a decision, YOU have to or you will continue to live under his control!!!!!!

    2. Julie

      I’m sorry you feel broken I do too because of a similar situation and not typing the whole story because of trying to stay positive.
      I’m saving money it will take many years and I’m working and going to college with kids. I’m married but really alone.
      I hope that you know it’s not your fault
      My husband is text book emotional abuser
      Some days I can’t stand it
      Some days I find strength
      Some days I too want to sleep
      I know your alone in many ways but I hope that if you read this you may not feel as alone in this moment.
      Hard to stay but even harder to leave

    3. leigh

      Just left on may 20th 2014 after 16 yrs of abuse. Go to work and home everyday for years and have no friends only 3 kids and his niece since she was 8. Do nothing that I think will upset him constantly thinking what will he say what will he think if I…. can I tell him an old home girl ( I’ve known for years) stopped by the job today, not without him telling me I’m lying and I’m at her House everyday doing drugs. Can I get in the car and have a conversation with my husband, not without being driven around the block being yelled at the whole time being called a back stabbing hoe a sneaky bitch a piece of shit. Never knew my kids felt the same fear and uneasyness as myself. Until my daughter s school found her suicide and hatred of her dad book that’s when I knew I was killing my kids. Never knew how much despair and fear and anguish and nervous they constantly felt. Will not turn my back on them again. The messed up part is I made all the money and paided all the bills now he’s hungry and soon no place to live. I just want him to go to domestic violence program so he can learn his root of anger, but I will never trust him again with mine or my kids feeling. It ducking sucks so hard I have to let him pass this stage of abandonment to the stage of understanding. I so do love him but I must love my kids and self first. By the way his niece came with me shes wore out too she was a hoe everyday too 24 year old virgin, and with an uncle like that she probably always will be now she knows what a relationship has in store. My poor kids.

  10. Joy

    I recognize many of these behaviors in my immediate family, with the exception of the sexual and injury-causing physical-abuse behaviors. Since we were raised in church, few cuss-words have been used; but cumulatively, the behavior of almost my entire family — particularly my three sisters — towards me from the time I was a small child has served to demean me and make me feel worthless, hopeless, incompetent and alone. The word-games and insinuated insults are all too familiar. Yet as shown above, it’s extremely difficult to bring any of this up with them, particularly in group form, since they have and will immediately begin to shout over me all at once, confusing me and causing me to forget the things I wanted to say, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. By the end of the conversation, they have minimized their end of the blame and convinced those present (even me, a little) that I “bring it on myself”.

    Let me say before I continue that I don’t pretend to be strictly a victim. I am not a perfect sister or daughter. Nor do I mean to suggest that my life is in danger, or put my situation in the exact same category as those above. But I will not be denied the right to hold them responsible for certain behaviors that have been unhealthy, hurtful, damaging, and in some ways devastating and debilitating — behaviors that they could’ve decided against, but didn’t.

    From the time I was little, loud noises (ex: lawn mower, motorcycles, fireworks — or later on, yelling, sudden aggressive movements) have been very frightening/upsetting and damaging to my emotional well-being, yet whether intentionally or not, my family has ignored this and at times even used it against me.

    I am also the smallest of stature in my family. A lot of the physical aspects of the hurtful behavior have died down since my mid-teens, largely, it seems, because I mostly caught up to my mother in size. However, I can say that my parents were excessive in their physical discipline — most often my mother, so there were no broken bones or trips to the ER. But I can recount several occasions as a child where my mom kept me home from school or swimming lessons because there were marks on my body, somewhere that showed. It hasn’t been unusual for my mother to slap me, often repeatedly, when she was angry — whether I was the cause or because I happened to say or do something that normally wouldn’t merit such a reaction, but while she was angry over something else. Both my parents had quick tempers and my father “ruled with an iron fist”; when he dealt with us when we misbehaved, he often underestimated his physical strength (or in anger, didn’t bother to restrain it). I remember being kicked in the head/buttocks/elsewhere on several occasions, being dragged by the arm, neck or ear — with a grip that left bruises — and shoved against the wall on many occasions, and general manhandling. The more major things have pretty much stopped since my mid-teens, but my father still threatens with his words and occasionally manhandles. He has been threatening to kick me out of the house (for whatever reason) since I was about seven years old, even going so far on occasion as to shove me out the front door and toss out some of my things after me.

    The most harmful overall, however — although exacerbated by the physical things — have been the words and attitudes. Particularly among my siblings, there has been a continual mindset, which comes out clearly in interactions, of “Joy is weak”; “Joy is stupid”; “Joy is retarded”; “Joy doesn’t belong”; “Joy isn’t like the rest of us”; “Joy will never amount to much”; “Joy brings all her problems on herself”; “Joy is incompetent”; “Joy is awkward”; “Joy is embarrassing to be around”. Some of these things have been stated out loud, others frequently implied. I used to sit at the dinner table with my family and listen to my sisters bring up, analyze, and laugh at all the silly, awkward, or embarrassing things I had pretty much ever done, and generally criticize and insult me, with total disregard for my feelings — all with my parents sitting there, rarely saying a word. It felt like the attitude was, “It’s not too far until she cries” but if I ever showed myself even close to tears (which I never did if I could help it), then it was “Oh, she’s feeling sorry for herself” or “She’s being overly sensitive”.

    This was almost every night — for years. They especially loved to break out their best lines in front of a group of strangers or their friends for their amusement, like shredding my self-esteem was some party trick. Some of this may seem like pretty normal sibling teasing, and some of it is, but a lot of it isn’t. And imagine hearing this kind of criticism about yourself continually, during some of the most impressionable years of your life.

    The criticism made me feel hurt, angry and worthless; part of me believes it in spite of my efforts to convince myself otherwise. Yet to show any reaction or outburst (crying, yelling) that boils up inside me would seem to confirm the things that they say. Any attempt to defend myself or retaliate has been overwhelmed by sheer numbers and volume. The collective weight of it all has left me feeling unable to trust or make friends, making it even more difficult for me to find worth in myself as a person.

    While all these things have lessened in the last couple of years, they have never been resolved, and I cannot tell you the devastation they have caused. And maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have other people’s experiences to compare to, for the most part. From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem like this happens in other people’s families. Having only one person that does this in your family, most people could probably deal with. When it’s your entire family and it’s continually directed at you — not so much.

    But I’m not just here to tell a sob story. What I want to know is how I can deal with it. The details just seemed to come out.

    I am almost 20 years old, live at home with my parents and two of my sisters, and while I have some money, am not in a financial position to move out. I am socially isolated, depressed, and feel generally powerless to change my situation. I haven’t told many people about it, much less in detail, and I don’t know who can help.

    (I apologize for how long this is haha! It all just started coming out. I really hope I’m not offending anyone by posting this here.)

    1. susanmcintosh

      the problem is with the bunch of bullies you live with, look in the personal ads and find someone (elderly) that needs care / live in companion or caretaker or needs a roomate..check them out first. Save your sanity and find a good support system..maybe socializing more at church..make yourself get involved, take a break from the negative chaos, that is, your family. Most importantly, pray.

    2. angel

      I agree, excellent advice it will be your way out, a roof over you and you will learn a lot from the elders too. Bring God too in your life to help you. Many lack that or don’t give God enough trust. Please do and your life will be enlightened!!!!!!

    3. Angie

      Hi I am a mom of 2 babies. Been married for 3 years, and it is constant fighting. He verbally abuses me in front of our babies. Uses awful language in front of them,an belittles and demeans me in front of them. I feel that I can’t leave because I don’t want to be alone first of All. And also because I have absolutely nothing I my name,he is the only income and I guess I really do feel like I am nothing like he says.

    4. CIndy

      Your strength is amazing….people who hurt, hurt….keep writing, Peace, Cindy

    5. Anonymous

      Yes, your a wonderful writer! It is excellent therapy as well. Writing saved me when I had an abusive home to grow up in. You will later look back and see how negative they all were. Move far enough away that you can visit in small doses at your convince. The best thing avoid negative people!

    6. Anonymous

      Bullies. Pack animals. I hope you are doing well now. Leave them to their ignorance.

    7. zara

      Joy. Im so sorry for you. God Loves you. I Love you.

    8. Dee

      Hi Joy,
      I’ve been scrolling articles on abuse after a violent episode with my boyfriend the other night that frightened a little sense into me, after 2 years of escalation, and sadly, a lifetimeof abusive dynamics–from childhood, through 2 marriages, and three recent longish, committed relationships… now that I’m middle-aged. … These last two days of reading and processing are pretty difficult–eye-opening; processing old, painful memories; going around in circles with helplessness, wondering how to learn to LIVE my life; begin to experience feeling whole; and someday, maybe, know how to find a person who is healthy, loving & supportive to share life with.

      One of my eye-opening moments, was finding your post here. I read through much of it firmly convinced you were actually my cousin, because as children, I watched her family systematically brutalize her, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, sometimes physically–just as you’ve described your experience here. She was born with endocrine system issues; some learning disabilities and other health problems, and was the baby of her family and became almost everyone’s target. I’ve tried hard to gently speak of these things with her since we’ve become adults, but there’s a certain place she can’t get beyond in speaking the truth about why, at 45, she can’t be too far from the family who destroyed her self worth, or why she’s been obviously and overtly used by people, swindled, and burned. My heart breaks thinking of her–and the trauma of the normalization of such overt abuse–in her; in me (tho my own abuse was a bigger impact on me, there was an indoctrinization of the messages when I witnessed her’s & no grown up intervened or even spoke with me about it later) & on her abusive parents and siblings, even. Bitter, angry, miserable people.

      Whereas, advice to ‘get out/get away,’may be the most ideal option, it may not be the best option for you right this moment. Only YOU know what’s best for you & what you can afford to do financially, emotionally, mentally. Know that your feelings and your assessments are valid. know that you did nothing and are not inherently anyone bad or worthless who ever has deserved one tiny portion of any abuse you’ve ever received. The effects can be insidious, but they don’t have to be. My only advice, if I have any ‘advice’ at all–is to go to the National Domestic Hotline web site and chat with one of the volunteers (or call the 800 number), who not only will just listen, validate, clarify & encourage you, but give you specific information to resources in your area that can help you begin healing; get & stay safe, and start to actually just live your life.

      Thank you for your articulate, intelligent, thoughtful post here. It helped me very much today, and I admire & respect your courage in speaking out. You’re very strong. Thinking of you and hope things have become much better in your life since you originally posted.

      Be safe.

    9. Rockel

      Are things better now? Xoxo.

    10. Joanna Panzera

      Joanna Panzera said “I think Kharma will bring justice to all of you who have been abused. I cannot tell you how or why I know, I do not feel like telling my story but I feel all your pain and TRUST me you will all have joy again. Do not give up on yourself.”

  11. Jenna

    I have just left a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic husband of 10 years. He has called me every name and insulted my job, my family, my faith. I was willing to put up with him for so long to keep the family unti together. Then, he became violent and choked me infront of our children. I called 911, got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. Although it the hardest decision of my life, I know that God’s grace is leading me away from this nightmare and into the light.

    My question is, since my ex-husband refuses to admit he has a problem with alcoholic or abuse, will his behavior continue in his new relationship? He already has a beautiful new girlfriend, and I can’t help but feel a tiny bit of wonder about how he will treat her down the road. Was it me after all, or will his behavior someday turn on her?

    1. Jenna,

      You are now on the outside looking in. You will see their loving actions toward one another, and you may catch a glimpse of his behaviors that you NOW recognize as a red flag (but did not at the time you were with him). Yes, the abuse will begin (if it hasn’t already), but remember: he has to trick her into loving his false but kind persona so she will stick with him once the abuse starts. At first, there will be little/no abuse, only the loving man he must appear to be to make her fall in love with him. He will tell her lies about you so she will not talk to you or take what you say seriously.

      The drinking and the abuse are his problems alone. You did not make him drink; you did not make him abuse you. When his new girlfriend steps out of line, she will experience the same treatment you did. The hateful things he’s done and said are HIS doing – not yours, not his new girlfriends.

    2. Annette

      I have a lot to say in this matter be aware that not all abuser may not fit this profile but they may have a gentle softer side. I like to call it polishing you and you have no idea or a clue what’s coming next. I was involved twice with abusers and when you are raised in a abusive home. This abuse it’s normal to you and trust me I lived it and I’m alive to post it here. My 1st abuser was older than me and he studied me, my likes and dislikes I wasn’t paying attention because I was in love with this abuser who was very caring and charming and my hero. If you are already in a venerable situation it’s very worse you will fall for everything they lie about giving there life for you. Anyways I was lacking a great mother and was not raised with my father. After I got pregnant of my 1st daughter the abuse started.I was raped and nearly he almost killed me 3xtimes. I was miserable and wanted out. I started going to programs for battered women. I got out having two girls lasted with him 5 years.I went to therapy and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and PTSD. My 2nd partner his behavior was a shock to me I thought I knew the signs but he was very quiet and some of the traits are not listed. My daughters were more grown and just like earlier I read someone saying how there kids love this man and you feel pressure to stay. I did it and I married the abuser who was in the Army. He was worst from the worst I got slammed with verbal and emotional abuse. He hide his finances and cheated very dysfunctional I was embarrassed of myself who I selected as a husband. I finally decided to leave but my daughters are already in there 20s. What I did was passed an abusing chain to my kids and even though he played out in seeking help, he was sneaky and knew when to attack. Please read as much as you can about this I have to live with guilt but today I help women and teach them self esteem is your KEY. I thank my therapist and now I am not interested in another mate. I rather enjoy myself bybloving me. Appreciate and learn it’s never too late. Best of luck to everyone.

    3. angel

      Don’t be afraid of anyone, Stand up to them, if you think your going to sense abuse, the first time he does it, its for a test. If he sees you too nice he will keep doing it. My fiance kept telling my mom I was too naive and he loved me for it, yea they love it alright but they also can use it against you. God protected me and I left him before marriage. We were not planning children and I was planning to make sure of it That is the last thing I need now in my 40’s. I love kids but I didn’t marry young enough for them. Anyway remember as soon as you sense anyone getting sarcastic even if it doesn’t seem a big deal, just keep staring at him and study him. If you don’t like him, then just break off. For now I’m glad you have self esteem go do something different and occupy yourself with something, go out with freinds and you will see with time you will keep feeling better and better. Keep the faith with God. He will never abuse you, he loves you unconditionally!!!!!!!!! When you fear something just pray inside and walk with your head up high!!!!!!!

    4. What an angel you are* such beautiful truth…thank you…God Bless~

    5. Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private!

      Hi Jenna – it isn’t you. I have been in an abusive relationship for 10 years and am working on getting out of it. In the beginning my husband was lovely, and he was very negative about his ex. He said alot of awful things about her and why she left him.

      Slowly over the years the story turned from how awful she was, to how wonderful she was and comparisons of her and myself. One day (3 years ago) I called her and asked her why she left. I was surprised when she said she had wondered if we were still together and how things were going.

      She left him due to violence, his rages and his controlling behavior (before I told her what had been going on at home). He had told me she left him because she met someone else. i was shocked. I had to sit down. We spoke for almost an hour. I understand the severity of what she had gone through and she had asked me to delete the record of her call from my telephone and to not mention to call to anyone.

      The only person I mentioned it to were the police when I called them a few days later after another vicious attack.

      I stupidly did not press charges or file for divorce then and there. I should have.

      It isn’t you – none of you can make that person in your life (husband/wife/girlfriend/sister/brother/father) shout, hit, control. They chose to do it. No one MAKES them. They could chose to speak gently, listen, respect and foster a human being.

      The sooner you get out the better for you. You don’t owe them anything. Even if you end up with nothing, yes it will be hard, yes it will be difficult, but you will have gained the most important thing back, YOU.

      I am on my way out. Still a long way to go and have to do this so carefully to stay safe.

      All the best every one.

    6. Wendell

      Jenna you have learned to do what was good for you,you have empowered yourself and have taken control at what was going on in your relationship. I sympathize with you 100% I am also in abusive relationship what’s an alcoholic . To me alcoholics blame everybody for their problems and I’m tired of being blamed for something I don’t do I have done so keep up your willpower my friend.

  12. Don Reitmeyer

    My Ex wife would take all my belongings from around the house and pack them up when she moved in just to replace it with her things. She often says, “. you’re an embarrassment to the Marine Corps”,and then tell me that, “There’s nothing wrong with your back”….even though I’ve lived with chronic pain for over 20 years. When she moved just before her arrest she stole or damaged things that had alot of sentimental value, or cash value and then said, “You broke/sold that stuff yourself”. She claimed I was costing money with bounced checks and demanded to do the bills, only to learn she did it to steal from me and was spending money like crazy, and bouncing checks far more than I ever did after she insisted I add her name to my checking account and then deposited the Federal Income Tax refund to her private account and make me beg for my half. She caused me Panic Attacks with her behavior and now see the kids have “stomach pain” because they get no affection from her like was the case with me for years. The abuse of the kids is her way to ensure she continues to hurt me since she no longer lives with me.She plays victim but has no record of ever being abused by me and yet my medical record is filled with entries and has every incidence of Domestic violence reported because I had to seek treatment/ even my Psychologist who I saw for chronic pain recognized her dysfunction when I related the things happening at home. I was married 9 years; the abuse lasted for 5-6 years after our son was born in 2005. It was just control and verbal abuse and became physical after I filed for divorce. The police refused to assist me or document the abuse that they were court ordered to protect me from. All the abuse occurred in front of the kids. I never recognized it as abuse until she was out of the house, it had become “normal” to me to be yelled at, lied to and verbally abused while I cared for the kids myself for years almost alone, never getting a break while she stayed up late, slept in and shopped everyday. She fits the Narcissist profile- everyone of the traits and also suffers from OCD.

    1. angel

      Your wife needs a psychologist and a psychotrist. She is out of line. Gee sometimes we think only men abuse women, but it can be the other way around. Karma will come to her. I hope God helps you and I hope he sends an angel to watch over you.

  13. Lyn

    What about if its another family member who is being abusive and violent, what then? Like adult children in their 30,s and their children who are teenagers…what then? please.

    1. If they’re all acting like idiots in your house it is time to make them find their own place. Call the police if you have to. Adult children in their 30’s are capable of making it on their own and they can take their kids with them. Alternatively, you could call child protective services, but in my experience in NC, they did not really want to help me because the girl of concern was already 17. If there are younger teens then perhaps child protective services intervention methods can calm the violence.

    2. Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private!

      That is just as bad. We had this situation at home with my siblings.

      Calling the police is entirely permissible.

      It is no way to treat a parent, sibling, child or for the elderly to behave.

      And adult child is still an adult. They have no right to abuse you.

      If they are still living at home with you then you are within your rights to ask them to contribute to communal comfort and living. Although it might be difficult, if you do not see that it is possible for them to change, it is actually possible for you to change your life by:

      Sell the house, and move yourself. Let them decide if they want to buy it for the normal amount (if they are adamant this is their home). If you are renting, start finding another place to live. Let the estate agent know that you will leave within 3 months and that they will need to take on the lease.

  14. Amanda Phoenix

    I see a lot of my current partner’s abusive behavior on this page. What keeps me from leaving, or from even fully acknowledging the problem, is that I can’t actually imagine someone being so consciously manipulative and cruel. It is difficult for me to believe that such a person could exist. In my more lucid moments, ironically, sometimes staring into his eyes when we’re in bed, I actually get a glimpse of the truth – that this person is trying to destroy me. I guess that’s part of growing up. My father was the same way, but it’s still hard for me to see him as anything but a needy child. I mean, if these people don’t know how else to get their needs met, aren’t they innocent in a way? I guess it doesn’t matter – I keep trying to teach him how to love himself, as I taught myself, but it isn’t sticking, so I need to move on.

    1. Amanda, it will help to convince you that it is possible to believe he’s out to get (something) from you if you read a few books. You already intuitively know the truth, but validating your feelings and recognizing all the signs will clarify exactly what you face if you stay.

      The Sociopath Next Door
      Women Who Love Psychopaths
      In Sheep’s Clothing
      The Gift of Fear

      The Gift of Fear is not necessarily a book about sociopaths or disturbed people. However, it will help you get back in touch with any natural and real fear you may need to recognize. Abusers tend to numb us to fear and we therefore forget how dangerous they really are. This book will help to re-awaken an emotion that is valuable. I suspect you will get a lot out of it because your abusers have “numbed” you practically your whole life.

    2. Gen

      Bless your heart, Amanda. We all want to believe that we can reach someone; that everyone cares about other people deep down. But some people really don’t. People like those described on this page (narcissists, borderline personalities, sociopaths, chronic abusers) do not care about others in any genuine way. He really DOESN’T love you and he really IS trying to destroy you. And he will if you let him. He can also never learn to love himself normally. This is a tragic misconception that keeps lovers and spouses hanging on. These people are missing the necessary framework needed to ever be able to love anyone — including themselves.

      An estimated 80% of male abusers in court-required therapy programs have personality disorders such as the ones I listed above. With personality disorders, their entire way of thinking is deeply, deeply flawed. This can be nearly impossible to correct even with years of aggressive therapy and medication helps very little. These are simply empty, broken people whose goals are literally to use and abuse others, getting as much out of them as they can before moving on. If you think about his behavior, you’ll realize that everything he does is geared to satisfy himself in some way. He cares nothing for you, what you need or what you want. Narcissists in particular WANT to hurt people. They enjoy it immensely; punishment and revenge are their two main goals in life. They literally want to destroy other people because they are jealous, feeling that others have things (friends, talent, love, success, etc.) they are being purposely and spitefully denied. You might think, “But I’ve done nothing wrong! I don’t deserve to be punished!” but it doesn’t matter. You as a “real person” represent everything the narcissist can never have and will never be. Most importantly: You are there and you are willing to take it. That is all the motivation they need.

      I hope you were able to get out of that relationship.

  15. Ana G.

    I have a court hearing in 8 days, my husband has been verbally and mentally abusive for years, I was scared and intimidated for to do something about it, he’s always treating me with taking away our son from me (because I don’t have a job and he does and also he’s taking advantage of my foreign status, I don’t have family in USA ) the last disgusting action he did was to bring his gf to our house while my son and I was expending Thanks giving with his family, was so humiliating, painful, disrespectful, selfish, etc, etc, etc I told him I want him out of the house he refused, obv. we had an argument and he left to his gfs house like he has been doing it for the pass 3 months, I’m keeping it very short, he has been done more stuff, he has never put a hand on me, but mentally and verbally he has done a lot, he does not pay attention to our son anymore, He doesn’t even ask for him, when he wants to have the “time for to be a dad” he tooks him out to his dates, actually was my than 4y old son who told me about Karen…… My own son!!

    He has not deposit his check in the account, so I don’t have access to money, I’ll tried to put him a restrained order was denied, so…. …. I never heard or read someone has been arrested for it, you need to have injuries, bruces, cuts, broken bones, black eyes for to been taking seriously?? If Domestic violence include mental and verbal abuse where is the justice for our cases?? I really don’t believe the court hearing will go on my favor, is very discouraging I had some evidence, only God knows if that is going to be enough, it looks like he can do wtv he wants to do to us, trample me, humiliate me and denigrate me and he will get away with it….. I don’t know who I can talk about this in court, how to explain and convince the judge….. Suggestions are welcome!

  16. MM

    For a world where most people are trying to be more equitable and gender neutral it is very depressing as a male to have a wife who is the abuser reading predominately quotations which consistently place men as the cause of abuse. Simply changing “he” into “he/she”, “him” into “him/her” or rewording some of the bullet points would made this website more gender friendly and not bring more hurt as a male victim of abuse.

    1. MM, I’m sorry you feel out of place. However, I must remind you that women throughout history have been referred to as “mankind” and the general use of the words “he, him, and his” is the preferred pronoun when speaking of both genders. On this site, I prefer to use my experience (with a him) and to allow others to use the pronouns of their choice for simplicity. We women have accepted being “him” for a very long time. I don’t think its too much to ask for my male readers to understand that “he” can also equal “her”.

    2. Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private!

      MM – of course women are perpetrators too. I feel for you though. One of my (former) friends ended up abusing her boyfriend. she was beautiful, intelligent, articulate – but in hindsight very very manipulative.

      He was not so educated and was a big burly but very gentle man.

      It was hard for people to take him seriously – he even had someone ask him why he didn’t just put her in her place with one fist to the head…. How could anyone say that? ever? He loved her. But she was manipulative, destroyed his things, scornful and openly said within earshot of him while pretending it was a secret that she was concerned because he was not ‘very smart’.

      They are not together anymore. But he was hurt. Men are somehow expected to ‘defend’ themselves.

      My sister frequently beat up my brother. He was taller than her and much stronger, but he never lifted a finger against her. The last time she tried anything he had his hand on her shoulder holding her at arm’s length as she tried repeatedly to punch and kick at him saying’stop hitting me’. He could have really hurt her and argued it was self defense. Awful.

    3. Linda S

      This is for” too scared to put my real name “and MM,

      Interestingly, I can relate to both your comments, from both perspectives. I have been listening to and counseling my brother-in-law, who is married to my twin sister.

      She’s an abuser, both physically and verbally and betrays him with other relationships, all the while, benefitting from his financial support. They have two children, both in their early teens.

      I’m dismayed by her treatment of him and actually disgusted that she thinks she’s morally entitled to get away with it. She calls it ‘her truth”.
      I relate to my brother-in-laws pain, because I am married to a controlling, narcissistic and abusive man. I counsel him to stand up for himself, even though I accept my own heinous situation, believing that it’s all my fault. Ironic and sad, isn’t it?

      I barely mention my own agony to him, but I genuinely feel angry towards my twin sister. I am unable to find the courage to have it out with her, in the same way that my brother in law can’t.

      Abuse is abuse, no matter which sex perpetrates it. The abuser makes a decision to act on their impulse to weaken their spouse for their own benefit and if they are a true narcissist it’s always about getting their needs met. The mental cruelty and manipulation have you second guessing your very worthiness to exist.

      I conclude that I should take my own advice and get out!

  17. Anonymous

    im in an abusive relationship.. its hard. im afraid i wont survive much longer.. no one cares to help, instead they notice the good things he does.. im so unhappy

    1. Please sign up for a mentor from our site! There are people who care to help. Click the link at the top of the page that says “Get Help” and fill in the form. Easy.

    2. angel

      Ask God for help and contact , and please do not hesitate, you don’t want to be in hell forever. you need to go to paradise and there is a paradise here on earth too so please take Kelllie’s advice and get help!!!!!!

    3. My life was like this for 25 years, insults, walls and doors punched, verbal and emotional abuse held at gun point and knife point.and raped. My ex blamed me said I made him that way it was all my fault and no one would ever believe me. Up until he attacked our 18 year old daughter and tried to punch her face in, it took me and my 2 sons to pull him off, this drove me into an even deeper depression than I was already in, I could not go out of the house without shaking and crying, I was not allowed to get meds from my doctor . My Mum made me go to my GP she and my Dad took me, I got medication and I got a clear head. My youngest child turned 18 and I called my brother and we made our plan. It took 2 months to get things sorted safely but I had waited 25 years what was another 2 months, on July 11th 2012 my husband left for work as usual, I even asked sweetly if he needed anything in town that day. 15 minutes later my brother drew up with a small van, boxes and newspapers and my son, daughter, brother and I packed our personal possessions into the van, everything in that house was bought by my parents and they kept the roof over our heads because he would not pay for anything and all our money went on his alcohol. My eldest son had been secretly supporting his brother and sister for over 6 years, but I took no furniture except what my Grandma left me. We drove away and I never looked back, now 2 years on I have a new life and am just starting divorce proceedings. I had fantastic help from Women’s Aid and the police. Nowadays I often Blog about domestic abuse for both men and women here in the UK.
      I have a great life with a new partner ( who has been abused by 2 wives ) and we love support and cherish each other and each day we have.
      We both have some residual issues but we deal with them together and with compassions and communication. There is always hope if I can leave after 25 years so can anyone, I was scared and afraid, sure I was but the alternative of staying and dying in that hell was far worse, I deserved better and now I have it. So can anyone reading this who is still suffering, all I can say is don’t waste any more time leave now, possessions can be replaced your life can’t.

  18. Nyasha

    I am a social worker in South Africa and our organisations counsels and shelters women who have been abused. we pblished a book ast year written by women that overcame abuse. everybody is free to download it for free. It can inspire you or someone else you know. There are cultural differences here and there but the main theme is that a lot of women have been able to identify abusers and overcome them.
    Please feel free to copy and paste the link onto your browser and read a story or two.


  19. Teresa Apodaca

    I was in an abusive relationship. It was so gradual that I got sucked in. I finally escaped him. He was like a bad drug. I wanted out but yet I kept coming back. I was lonely, and he was always ready to “take me back” as though he was doing me a favor! That’s rich! It had gotten to the point that we couldn’t spend a day together without a fight. I had changed. I refused to be his door mat. Almost everything that is listed here is a chapter out of my life. Save for the drug use. He wouldn’t stop abusing drugs. I had no idea at first. Then he sucked me into that too. I’m glad that I got away. With my life intact. I’ve had black eyes severe brain trauma that lasted for months. I couldn’t move without violently vomiting after a severe beating due to the trauma of him beating my head into a concrete floor, then sexually assaulting me. I was all alone in a small town with him. No money and no job. And utterly isolated. Looking back at my history with him I’m very proud of myself. To have overcome that and escaped him I made the right choice

    Now I’m living in a different town and married a great guy. Who isn’t an abuser. And who makes me feel good about me. He knows of my past. And he finds it hard to believe that a strong woman such as myself could’ve fallen into such a bad relationship. It’s not strength nor weakness in us that causes or allows a hazardous relationship. It’s the believing that we have caused his unhappiness in us. Or that he makes us feel as though we deserve this treatment. They whittle away our self-esteem. It’s so gradual that you don’t even realize it until it’s full blown and by that time you are brain washed into doubting yourself. Which leads to your depression.

    Just remember to love yourself. And believe in you. You are worth more than he can appreciate. He doesn’t love you nor does he deserve you. And yes!! There still are some great guys out there! They are just hidden from all the toads in front of them!


    Teresa Apodaca-Apa

  20. Filomena Distefano

    abuse can be a two way street as you fight to regain your power….the pendulum swings to the far other side before you find the balance…if ever

  21. Hurting and Alone

    I have felt like I was “crazy” for years…how can someone who for all purposes appears sweet and gentle, treat me with such animosity and meanness? He thinks that just because he has never hit me, that he is not abusive. Punching holes in walls while my children hide in a room, breaking my pictures on the walls, telling my (not his) teenager that she will never find a husband and that he can’t even look at her face…it’s all like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from.

  22. Anonymous

    I have one daughter who will be three years old in March and Im also pregnant and due in March. My boyfriend convinced me into moving in with him this last year November. Lately he has been getting into my face calling me ugly fat cunt threatening to kill me. He had pushed me and even put a knife to my throat in the past. I have pressed charged in the past and got a order of protection bu I thought hechanged and got back with him. I have no money and no where to go what should I do?

    1. First, visit and call http://www.thehotline.org to get information about where to go for help in your area. Secondly, tell everyone you know what you’re going through – keep the ones who believe you and don’t say another damn word to the ones who don’t. You need a rough and ready support system now.

      We also have mentors available via email to supplement your support system. Click on the link above that says “Get Help”, fill in the form and send it off. I’ll have you a mentor ASAP.

  23. Michelle

    I’m resolute about leaving my abuser today. Thank you for the final little added impetus I needed to carry this through… I’ll be in a hotel room tonight.
    I just wanted to share an incident with you. A vignette.
    I had brought home a weak little lamb and it wasn’t doing well. But it was surviving. At least breathing, conscious, could sit up etc. and I wanted to bottle feed it back to health. My Dad was staying with us. I went outside to see how the lamb was going, and abuser was there. I told him about wanting to bottle feed it. He picked it up by the back legs and said “I don’t think so” and smashed it’s little head into the fence right in front of me, killing it. The action was about total power and control and complete disregard for my feelings or the lamb’s life. He literally didn’t care, not when it happened, nor afterwards. He was totally matter of fact about it. What made me so angry was that he had no right to take that little lamb’s life… it had been struggling so damn hard and managed to make it through the night alive somehow, so it was a *very* strong little baby. And just like that, it was gone. He couldn’t care less about the effect that had on me. He had “won”. Or how I had to somehow walk back in the house and chat with my Dad as if nothing had happened.
    I have lived through so many similar incidents, but this was the worst. You know, being hit myself wasn’t so bad. The fact that this little lamb had no escape, no option, and that he delighted in hurling it against that fence so cruelly is something that will stay engraved in my brain forever. These people are so genuinely heartless that it beggars belief.
    Thanks for this forum where such stories can be shared. It has really helped me to feel sane again.

    1. angel

      OMG I would have killed him at that point, I may be naive, I may be sweet but I can turn into a Spartan soldier over night!!!!!!!!!!

    2. Nicole

      Michelle, that jerk is deeply troubled and sadistic. I’m glad that you decided to leave him because he’s too dangerous to be trusted. Oh, and when he couldn’t get what he craved from you–utter and complete submission and obedience, then he brutally and sadistically killed that poor, helpless little lamb by brutally throwing it against the fence. he’s evil, sadistic, and malicious…and he should go to jail for that!

    3. Anonymous

      He is a heartless piece of shit I’m sorry bullying a woman and killing an innocent animal why don’t he try being tough with a man that will beat the shit out of him he gets everything he deserves poor lamb

    4. erin

      Animal Control needs to be called on the lamb incident. It starts with animals then people. The more documentation, the more likely he will get busted eventually. Documenting it, will start a paper trail so that when he does something just as bad, it won’t be the first time authorities have heard about tit. I’d call PETA too. IT will be you someday he throws against the fence, you can’t grow a conscience.

    5. I feel you are in danger. If he killed a lamb, violently, he will harm you and any children and any other animals in the house or near the house. Seek immediate help to leave before he replaces the lamb with you, or even worse, a child.

  24. Brian Davis

    Good for you Michelle! I’m sorry for the lamb.
    4.5 yrs ago, I lost my fiance to suicide, and then my father 2 weeks later. A year passes…… I come home from visiting family in North Carolina and enroll in community college. I’m thinking the pieces are starting to fit together again. I see this young woman spin around in public speaking as my name was called during roll call. She seemed to have peered into my soul. I was still extremely vulnerable. She was so nice to me at first. She made me love her. What I see now is I was such an easy target for her. It’s really sick, and it’s not always the guy that’s being a degenerate POS. However, I’m sure that some man, most likely the father or uncle imprinted this behavior in my ex. It’s a vicious cycle and she has carried out 95% of the above mentioned examples. My ex would keep turning the lights on in our room and laugh while i was sleeping even when she knew I had to be up in a couple hours for work. Like twenty times. I should mention that she is a RX drug addict.
    I had asked her during another incident to not smoke in the bedroom. She calmly stood up and headbutted the wall and said, “If you don’t leave me the f*** alone, I’ll call the cops and say you did this.”
    Another time, I left my phone in the truck for fifteen minutes while at the store. Upon returning, there were thirty-some missed calls and accompanied by a dozen evil texts. I made it home and she was destroying my $150.00 gadget of an alarm clock.The reason I went to the store was for her.
    She would steal money from my wallet. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she may say, “I might just f*** some of your friends. What are you gonna do about it?”
    She had grown increasingly disrespectful towards my mother even. Called her a woman’s favorite c word and a bitch, after mom made her supper and shared her wine with her.
    She would tell me that I have a horseface, or say my penis is small. These are just some of the happenings that are currently vivid. That kind of abuse worked and kept me bound in shackles of nonexistent self-worth for almost three years. I am now almost a paralegal. I know I am overcoming milestones and I’m not afraid to talk about it. It’s been three months since I mustered enough strength to peel myself away from her. She is a toxic human being.
    My piece of advice for all of you good intentioned people out there. Stop it before you are the victim, You don’t want to become addicted to abuse and it’s very likely to happen if the abuse does not abruptly cease.

    You have all touched my heart, and I extend a huge thank you for the opportunity of letting me share. Sometimes a person is hated because they are honest, loving, forgiving, and true. This is a sad reality. Everyone has potential. Don’t let anything hold you back.

    1. Anon

      Similar to you Brian, I was in a very simular place for aprox 7yrs until Around a year ago, when I left my soon to be ex wife. unfortunately for me, she continues to try and control me and to some respects still succeeds, this is due to the continued relationship I have with her due to our child and her other child whom I have brought up since she was a baby. She continues to threaten me with not seeing the children and when I have said I shale go through child support agency’s and what not, says things to make me feel like I don’t love my step child, she also continually makes fun of my body taunting me saying that I was useless in bed etc etc while sending me semi naked pictures of her new boyfriend saying things like he is more a man than ul ever be, makes fun of my new gf and try’s to blackmail me on a regular biases. I should of seen the signs early in the relationship wen she would message me continually or constantly phone me and give me abuse wen out with friends saying things like u better not be speaking to ur friends about our relationship etc etc although not physical to me she would hit things and throw things if she never got what she wanted, don’t get me wrong there were times wen I almost blew at her, but never did. At the end of the relationship I found out throughout the relationship she had cheated on me and she took great pleasure in informing me of this. Now a little stronger, and moved on in a healthy relationship am sometimes deflated and feel depressed because of her actions and all that has happened, I even feel ashamed of myself sometimes because I blame myself for what I let happen.

  25. angel

    Trust your intuition You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone, just trust your own inner guidance it knows best Sometimes a relationship with God is all you have when all else fails, God never will And for others who first meet a man like me. Just know a man meaning a real man will not let a good woman walk away…. But a boy will lose his treasured possession because of his ego

  26. confused corinne

    I am a 34yr old woman in a relationship with an abuser. My father was emotionally abusive and now recently, my mother has validated all the horrible things my father has said. I guess my real question to point is, how can my family use mental abuse towards me to try and get me to leave my boyfriend? I am so alone in my life right now. I have no contact with my family anymore, and my bf took off across country to work. In a matter of days I lost everything. Also my family called CPS on me to try and my one and only reason for living away from me. I have done nothing wrong as a parent, and even put myself into therapy (over a year ago). Would it be best for me to just cut my ties with everyone and try to move on, or is there a reason people are so cruel to use abuse to get someone to leave an abuser? How is it when my family treats me equally to how my bf does, its only considered abuse from him and no one else?

  27. Anonymous

    You make it sound like only men can be abusers….

    1. I get this a lot. I always tell the critics that in my experience, my abuser was a male. I write from my experience. Additionally, 85% of reported cases of domestic violence are made BY females. So until the guys start reporting, those statistics cannot change. I truly believe abusers are distributed 50/50 – there are as many female abusers as males.

    2. Michele

      Let’s not forget, OJ Simpson claimed he was the victim of Nicole’s ‘abuse’. Abusers often claim they are the ones being abused, they do this to justify their own abusive behavior.

    3. Clearly Annon did not read the multitude of comments here from MEN saying they agree with everything Kellie Jo is saying and that her advice helps them too. Funny how some people pick and choose what to read, when it comes to abuse.

  28. liz

    I was in an abusive relationship, the abuse being mainly emotional. I feel I need to post, as though I left 2 months ago, it affects me.That’s why I came on this site tonight, after a moment of doubting myself. We were together for 13 years, living together for the last 6. The abuse wasn’t really apparent to me until we moved in together, although it took me until 2 years ago to begin to understand what was happening.
    He would tell me I was rubbish and useless, unable to help out with any DIY on the house we bought. He made the decisions, saying it was ‘a man’s job’. He made snide jokes about my appearance, saying I had a bad dress sense (if I look back, he did that from the beginning of the relationship).
    As it escalated, the swear words became worse, more frequent, and the names he called me are totally unrepeatable on here, although several do come under the ‘name calling’ heading at the top of the page!
    A lot of what he did, he would do in so called fun. That way if he upset me he could say he was only joking, and I was over reacting, that he would never hurt me. He would nip me, pinch my skin, squeeze my hands or arms. Never hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to hurt. Then he would say it didn’t hurt, I was making it up.
    He has health issues, and 3 years ago, he had a mini stroke, and his abuse escalated. Not speaking to me, ignoring me, or swearing or shouting at me for no reason. Pretending to hit me, raising his hand, or clenching his fist. Standing on my foot.The foot with arthritis in it, not the healthy foot. He blamed it on his stroke, said he couldn’t help it, didn’t know why he did it. I wanted to believe him!
    He would pretend he was dead if I went to see him in his room( we never shared a bedroom, his idea!). He even did this on the anniversary of my dad’s death! He would tell me he was dying, or had cancer, and I was making him ill.
    He loved to put his hands on my back and push me at the top of the stairs, grabbing me so that I didn’t actually fall. He often put his hands on or even round my throat. Lightly of course, so he could say it was only a joke. He went through a phase of coming toward me with a carving knife outstretched at me.Once he did this with my back turned. I turned round and he was stood there a few feet away with the knife pointing at me.
    Once he put a hot iron very close to my face. I lost the plot, hitting out at him. I hit him on the arm over and over, I had completely lost it. And that is when I thought he was going to punch me. He raised his clenched fist and was so angry at me and I really thought that was it. But no, he walked away, and I ended up saying sorry to him. I was inconsolable for hitting him. I felt awful, so guilty… He never said sorry for scaring me with the iron inches from my face.
    The list goes on of the ‘almost’ hits, and ‘nearly hurt me’s’, or he ‘could have hurt me’, or ‘he just hurt me a little bit, not really, he was only joking’. At least that is what I would tell myself. One time he was prodding me and pretending to poke me in the eyes and I said don’t, and his reply was that he could do what he wanted, including rape me! That will stay with me, even though he didn’t do anything.
    The physical abuse I tried to minimize (and if I’m honest I still do). He never hurt me badly, never really left marks, just tenderness on the skin, a slight redness, that would go away. I would repeat this mantra time after time, trying to believe what I knew was a lie. That he did hurt me. Like the time I had nerve pain for 3 days on my arms were he had squeezed particularly hard one day.
    After visiting my local domestic violence centre and a local charity for abused women, and a year of therapy and cbt, I said I was leaving. He said I must have someone else, that it didn’t make sense( he had made comments before about me having someone else) But when I told him I had been to counselling, and a women’s charity, he said he would stop what he was doing! And he was true to his word. Overnight he stopped all the tricks, the mind games, the threats, everything. From that day last April he no longer did any of the things he used to do. Not even swearing at me, he became nice as pie. Miraculous recovery from something that he said he was unable to control! I stayed with him for a further 7 months while the house was sorted, and moved out at the end of November 2013. All the time doubting myself, after all he had changed, he was nice now, we were getting on better than before!! But I did leave. And I won’t go back.
    I see him sometimes at work, as we work for the same company. He chats nicely to me, doesn’t say he wants me back, just chats as if we are close friends. He never mentions what he did, or what happened. Has never apologized. Almost as if it never happened. And if I see him at work, I fall into the let’s be friends mode too! I chat back, happy that we are finally getting along better! Scary, he still has an affect on me, I suppose I still need his approval, still need him to be nice to me if I see him at work. I even saw him the other day when I was leaving work, and I told him where I was going, just in case he wondered. Perhaps some habits die hard. I still think to myself, oh I’d better get home, otherwise he will wonder where I am.
    On the plus side, I bought loads of different washing powders the other day!! Strange? yes. But he never liked me doing a lot of washing, or having too many baths, putting the heating on etc etc and the freedom of putting the washer on whenever I like, having heating on, well, it’s liberating. And whenever I doubt if I’ve done the right thing, I will remind myself of the little things. Though the bigger things he has left in my memory will take longer to go I fear. But they will go, as will my need for his approval. There is hope! And I will not go back! I am going forwards.
    There is hope!
    Thanks to all who read this, for letting me get out how I am feeling.Sorry it’s a bit long and rambling!

  29. Veronica

    Love your site. Thank you for bringing awareness about abusers. I feel as though we’re all from different walks of life every story sounds so similar to mine, who knows with all the deceit, lies, & secret affairs my ex was capable of some of us could be talking about the same man! I have walked down a very scary road the last 9 years and Im proud to say I am out of the rabbit hole for once and for all.
    My advice to those still involved is to stay strong, continue to educate yourself, see whats real in your inner voice is aware & speaks the truth, you have your own power, and everyone is on their own path. It took me 9 years.. eventually I saw him for who he is & I accepted that as much as I hoped he would change, my love won’t change him and that’s ok. Remember who you are and whether you stay or leave don’t ever allow anyone to degrade your soul. Their behavior is not your fault and you are not crazy, nor are you alone.

    1. lexie

      I am shocked at how quickly he went from my knight in charming armour tto a cold, non-remorseful person who degrades me consistently. Heakes me doubt myself sometimes, twists things to make look like the bad one, cconstantly criricizes me. I began reading up on hos behavior and have no doubt he is a psycopath and i need to get out. He thinks he is so much better than me, but he isn’t. He has no ambitions or goals. I walk on eggshells. Calling him on his actions makes things worse. Whatever he doea or says that is very hurtful to me are according to him a reaction due to my behavior. I made him act this way therefore it is my fault

  30. Anonymous

    Okay I’m a guy so might not get a lot of sympathy here. Anyway here’s my story.

    I lived with a lady who incidentally came out of an abusive relationship. After some 3 months things just … changed. She grew insanely jealous and kept picking fights with me even in public or in front of friends. After losing our friends, who wants to visit people who scream at each other right?, the penny finally dropped for me. I took her to a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as bipolar and put her on some pills. Everything went great after that. But he also advised her to confide more in one of her male friends so as not to take out all her frustrations directly on me all the time.

    In the mean time something happened to her ex and suddenly overnight her two small children moved in with us. Long story short I did not gel with this situation. Felt to me as if the children just took my place in her life. I became their cash supplier and that’s it.

    Her friend on the other hand bonded quite well they started spending more and more time together and yes before you know it his wife came to me with proof of their affair.
    after defending her against such allegations from all my other friends for more than a year you can imagine i was devastated.

    They left but of course this guy soon realised the difference between acting nice towards kids to make an impression on mommy and actually providing for them so they didn’t last. Suddenly they had nowhere to go and I helped them out again. Huge mistake on my part yes I know!
    After some months they moved back in with me, it just made economic sense, and we had a fantastic october through december …

    However in January I noticed all the same signs again , this time with one of my younger new friends I made while she was away.

    Determined not to let stuff get out of hand again I pleaded with her to change the way in which she acts towards this guy, she just turned on me as if I started WW3. Exactly the same response as when I confronted her about the previous guy in other words.

    Now she wants to leave me again. We don’t talk at all without it turning into a fight. She calls me names I can’t repeat here. Throws me with stuff, the children picked all this up already they saw how the wind blows so they’re cosy with the suspected new guy but ignores me flat. We don’t talk at all. She sees this and blames me?! What am I supposed to beg her children to acknowledge my existence?

    So this is where we are. I blame the second successive failure of my relationship with the girl I love more than life itself 90% on her children who makes life unbearable for me in my own home, then she reaches out to the first guy who comes along and act as if the children are fine for a couple of hours in front of her. I’m convinced they’re sneaking around behind my back. But he can’t afford to look after them so what’s gonna happen?

    She stays with me in a separate bedroom and continues to live off me, but she treats me like garbage all the time, yesterday even physically assaulting me in front of her 10 year old daughter!
    What to do ??

    1. Anonymous, she’s probably telling her boyfriend that you are abusive although she is the one hurting you.

      It takes a while to get to the point where you realize that although you love her, you deserve someone who treats you much better. You’re caught in the cycle of abuse and the cycle brainwashes you into thinking your love is real. It is not.

      All of your observations are true: she is physically violent (physical abuse), takes advantage of your financial situation (financial abuse), attempts to isolate you (first step of any abuse), cheats on you (sexual abuse), blames you for her children’s attitude toward you which you cannot control (emotional abuse), she calls you names (verbal abuse), and I’m sure there is an entire list of other things she’s doing that you didn’t mention.

      I am sorry you find yourself in this relationship. There are several things you can do to loosen the chains that bind you if you are not ready to throw her out on her ass. Last week I wrote a post that fits your situation, and I hope you take the time to read it. It doesn’t matter what your gender is, Anonymous. Anyone who has experienced what you are experiencing will not judge you or feel less empathy for you because you’re a male. Unfortunately, I know the “help services” in your community MAY discriminate against you, but I hope you will reach out and give them a try.

      Here’s the post: http://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/02/leaving-abuse-before-you-go/

  31. I was warned about “baltimore men” as one had put it, but I ignored it. I can’t put all Baltimore, MD men in this category of abusers, but the woman whom warned me about them, is also a victim of abuse within her marriage. I was engaged to a baltimore man, in which his behavior changed one month after engagement. When we would hang out, he’d physically push me, one time, he pushed me so hard I flew back, fell, and hit a wall. Also in conversation, he’d tell me to shut up. He’d also call me a slut out of no where, throw my purse and say things that didn’t make any sense. He once warned me about him having multiple personalities, but I thought he was joking b/c he laughed about it. One last time, out of no where after a track meet, he pushed me down several times as I tried to stand up and get my balance and also put his hands on the collar of my jacket and shook me several times telling me I had a demon..uh huh? Looks like he has hidden issues. Now he is engaged to someone else & we have prayed for her safety and have warned her, but hopefully she doesn’t experience abuse when she gets married to him. #RMWC & #NPBC

  32. I can relate to most of it except iam not recieving any Physical abuse thank God!! My Husband now that I have been Married to for 9 years as of this July,2014 started showing his true colors after 1 yr of Marriage. He has never been physically abusive nor has he raised his hand to me. His is all Verbal. I met him at work and I was Married to someone else at the time and that Marriage was already heading for Divorce due to his Drinking. My first Mistake with my Husband now was opening my Mouth and Confiding in him why my Marriage was failing which he threw in my Face a lot later after 1 yr of Marriage. He would never shut up about it so that is when he started to turn me against him. He would say I know u are still seeing him behind my back or u still love him when All the time I was in love with him. Now, everything has gotten 10 times worse. The following is what he says pretty much everyday, Insults what I say, I will treat u like an adult when u start acting like one, if I don’t like it theres the Door. Right now he is recoverying from a hernia operation and when I try to help him he is saying I can tell u do not like helping me or go away u just do not know or care about helping me, he has been insulting me ever since he came out of recovery. He makes me feel worthless and tell me I don’t know what pain is and he acts like he is the only one that hurts. Blames me for everything that breaks down in the house says Iam the one that broke it He sexually make insults to me and has actually said them and he said in the past few weeks come over here and suck on my C— and I will be sitting in one recliner and he is in another and while I am watching tv he says hey honey look over here and I would and he has his privates hanging out which all of this makes me very ill and he has done this type of thing many times. He even comes up behind me while iam cooking in the kitchen or washing Dishes and will start feeling me up and saying disgusting sexual things that are gross. These sexual things started after the verbal insults started. My son has addictions and all he does is talk bad about my Son Constantley which I mean everyday. and He bad mouths my family which I only have about 4 family members in the area. There is a lot of Issues with my family but they never stop by I go over there. I realize my Family Members have really bad issues but using my family in our arguments which have nothing to do with them is personally abusing me because he blames everything on other people. My husband shows no respect for me and buys me things to make up for it instead of us trying to get help. He has no friends nor does he invite anyone over. there are no cookouts no outings with no one. I have no friends and when I have one he says he does not matter to me all I care about is that one friend. He has said I will get rid of your dogs then and like I said we are married this is his house not mine. threatens to take my cell or take away my vehicle, he punishes me and treats me like iam the Child and he is the parent. He will get me a new computer at Christmas and say to me this is for all the work and taking care of the house all yr, like he is rewarding me for doing what I was told that right there is a parent and child thing. swell if I keep going I can talk forever here , so I better stop here.Please comment and let me know if you are going through some or all of these issues because I believe comparing notes and talking with someone whom is going through the same things gives u answers as well. anniemarie65

  33. anonymous

    I just had this happen recently, and I am the reason. I have never been in any way abusive towards any women or children in my life. My now ex-gf was in a terrible relationship for almost 5 years and has a 2 year old child with this guy. *(She has other children from a previous 13 year marriage) She and I have been compatible in so many ways and expressed our love for each other over the course of the last 5 months. This started as a long distance relationship, but soon materialized into coming up for a week at a time for the last few months up to her and with dreams on both sides of living our lives together. **Disclaimer here I am not trying to self pity or woe is me or ask for forgiveness from the internet here. I’ve expressed this as much as possible to her as well and she knows I am absolutely ashamed of my actions. On our very first week spent together in real life went up and down fast. I stepped in and disciplined her 2 year old (of whom I love very much). I grabbed his arm to raise him up and spank his butt on the diaper. He slipped and i got him on the back instead. It left a mark, and I immediately broke down in tears on the fact that I had done what I did. She and I were able to come to an agreement, on the fact that this wasn’t acceptable. On our third week’s meeting everything was off, we argued non stop. We at one point had come to a reconciliation and she was asking me a question, I answered her 3 times, and each time she got heated more and more as if she didn’t understand me or want to hear me. As we got going further, I had my hand on her shoulder as I had been massaging her arms, and I just squeezed a little bit, it didn’t leave a mark, and it didn’t hurt her physically as much as it snapped her back into the conversation. (that was my intent) never to cause her harm. Needless to say, I took it upon myself to pack my things and sleep on the couch, expecting to leave the next day. I felt terrible for ever letting myself hurt the one I love. We were able to sit down the next day and discuss things. She agreed to let me stay another night, and we had a great day. We talked, we laughed, we cried, and were able to discuss the situation. Everything felt fine, and then I left, we talked for a little bit the night I was driving home, but then the next day, she had her family there, and told me she couldn’t deal with talking to me right now. Let me be clear, I have never, put anyone in a position to feel scared by me, and i’ve never laid a hand on any woman with respect to wishing or expecting physical pain to occur. This is indeed the 1st time I’ve ever even been presented with the notion that I’m abusive. My actions as I have offered to her are inexcusable, I know that. I only have my own past experiences with children that have been in my life, on how they were disciplined by their mothers, and how not stepping in was a sign of inaction. I have no way to contact her other than to pester, and i’ve done all that I can with avoiding contacting her. She did NOT delete me from other various websites we’ve had interactions on, and she has replied back to me once, only to offer that she has forgiven me for my actions, but that she will never forget them. (that is crushing me more than anything now. I don’t expect her to forget, but I do not see how we will ever be together again. I am lost without her, and feel terrible for ever putting her into a situation like this. I sent her a hand written letter today. I told her I would not pester her any further. (I hope I can keep my word on this, but there are too many great memories for me forget her.) I am crushed sitting here writing this and have NO ONE, else to turn to. She suffers from Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD (from previous relationship) – I have since contacted her a few times to express myself. I never called her any bad names, nor physically assaulted her beyond what I described here. I have never done anything but be a gentleman to her and try to gain insight to what she is struggling with. Having this relationship go up ended now, has been really hard to deal with. I’ve tried reaching out to friends and family for advice, but everyone just tells me I’m probably better off, that’s the hardest thing to hear when I know i’m not better off, or others tell me the ways to distract myself involving going out and finding someone new – that is like a stab at my heart, I just told you how much i care for someone and you’re advice is i get out and find someone to take my mind off them. They are hurting too, but I can’t offer support without seeming stalkerish, so now I sit in silence awaiting the day she may let me back into her heart.

    1. Anonymous, I don’t know how to help you other than to point out the red flags your ex-girlfriend most likely saw. You are right in believing that any contact not initiated by her will be seen as “stalker-ish”. There is no sense in repeating what your friends said about it being better to move on – that never helps a broken heart. But, if I can help you to move on in a way that will help you, then I hope this information does the trick.

      Your relationship sounds like it was rather a whirlwind. The “last few months” doesn’t give me much to go on, but many people would consider it a short relationship punctuated by feelings of love. As having fallen into this type of affair at least once, I know how good it feels…and how much it hurts in the end. No one can grasp the idea of having a broken heart after such a short time, but I get it. I feel for you.

      As for the first red flag to her, the relationship was a whirlwind. Sigh. As good as it felt, after the other red flags popped up, the short time-frame from meeting you to talking of moving in with you shows a rush to commitment. It moved too far, too fast. This is a hallmark sign of an abusive person showing their desire to get the victim to be theirs (literally, as an object) as quickly as possible. However, as abusive people know others do not like feeling like objects, they pepper the road to commitment with statements of undying love an compassion.

      To a former victim of abuse who has since educated herself on the dynamics of abusive relationships, that was red flag number one.

      Second red flag is the abuse to her child. I know you did it unintentionally, but as your girlfriend could not read your mind, she has no way to be sure it was an accident. That is the red flag in a nutshell: child abuse. Additionally, abuse of animals fits into the same category. A person who will abuse an animal or a child will abuse anyone.

      I’d like to add one piece of advice relating to other people’s children that has nothing to do with abuse. ASK THE MOTHER what your boundaries are with the child. Don’t go on what you’ve seen other mothers do. Each woman parents uniquely, and your “inaction” to one woman became “abuse” to another when you tried to be “active”.

      Third red flag would be the “up and down quickly” emotional charge of your first week living together. You see, an abuser abuses, then apologizes or abuses then blames. I hear you when you said you take full responsibility for your actions, and I am certain your ex heard you too. The problem is that she’s heard that line and dance before AND, again, she cannot read your mind to know if you were telling her the truth or not.

      The fourth red flag is, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, the squeezing of her shoulder. At a different time and situation, she may not have reacted as she did. However, you said the entire week was fitful with the fighting and all. So looking at the squeeze from her perspective, it could have seemed to be a precursor to worse abuse to come. In the future, if an argument begins or does not go how you like, I advise you to keep your hands to yourself at all times. Think about it…if you hadn’t had your hands on her, the emotions would have been the same, but there would have been no squeeze at all. It is just safer to wait for the hug at the end of an argument rather than touch one another during it.

      As you mentioned, her mental conditions do affect her as they would anyone. But none of the conditions she suffers impairs her ability to listen to her intuition. Everything from her past experience screams “run”…and her family visiting and talking with her probably validated her intuition. Intuition is not always right, but because she ignored hers so often with her ex-husband, she is now in the process of sorting out when she’s listening to her fear versus her intuition. This is the unlucky side of things for you, Anonymous. Assuming all you said is true, and I have no reason to doubt you, the simple fact is that you were with her just too soon.

      There is nothing to be done about it. If you violate her boundaries it will only go to prove to her that you are the kind of person she suspects. I am very sorry that you’ve gone through this heartbreak, but as 1 in 3 women you ever meet will have been abused or raped during their lifetime, it is a really good idea to understand the dynamics of abuse so you can be sensitive to the needs of future partners.

    2. I MUST BE CRAZY. I’ve been reading these posts for over an hour now. All of you guys writing in are young. I’m almost 62 and just realized that this has happened to me in 3 different stages of my life….therefore, it HAS TO have been me. If I point out what has been done to me emotionally, mentally and now physically (referring to some supressed memories that I must have unblocked about my mother), then am I not just crying ‘victim’? I don’t know, anymore, just WHAT the truth is. Maybe my ‘abusers’ aren’t abusers after all? Something has to be wrong with me. Maybe I AM crazy.
      Maybe I AM the instigator. Maybe I must do something to cause people to keep their distances.
      I swear, I haven’t felt this hopeless in many, many years. Have I just been crying foul in order to make up excuses for my faults, for my mistakes, for the pain I caused to
      my (now adult) kids emotionally but

    3. Kathleen, I remember feeling EXACTLY the way you express. I thought I was at the very least the stupidest woman who ever lived and at worst the abuser I fought so hard not to ever be. I remembered all the times I’d hurt my kids emotionally because of who I’d become and blamed myself for the whole damn mess.

      Let me tell you one thing: It is NEVER too late to change who you are. It is never to late to come to terms with your defects of character OR to place responsibility on the shoulders of the abuser. In fact, both things must happen. We must decide to bring peace to our souls by every action and thought we take today and in the future AND give responsibility to our abuser for his/her actions (even though they will not accept responsibility for themselves, it is right and good to let the abuser’s actions GO).

      There are things you can do to hasten the time it takes to recognize and correct the hurtful things you’ve done over the years. There are loads of great books about “codependency” that would put you in the right direction. Codependency, I feel, is not a true aspect of victims of abuse; however, the similarities between an alcoholic’s codependent and a victim of domestic abuse are similar especially in the concepts of having to detach and to stop taking responsibility for someone else’s actions.

      Here is a list of books on codependency

      Give yourself time to mourn the fact that you have been a victim. If you don’t mourn, then you do not give respect to all you’ve suffered. But don’t mourn forever – those people become the ones “crying victim”, the one’s who are not looking for change, only sympathy. Even during your mourning, you can LEARN how to NOT be a victim. You can become stronger and emerge a healthier person.

      I promise that you are not alone in your feelings. I’ll add that I did “bad” things even after I knew they were wrong. Read to about halfway through the following post to see what I did: http://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/01/no-surprise/

  34. Julie

    My husband is emotionally abusive it’s as if most of the things an abuser says come out of his mouth as if he read this page. It really is unbelievable.
    I know I need to leave but I don’t have enough money but I’m saving and I don’t have any family here. I wonder if that was a reason why he married me because I would be more isolated because I’m from a different country.
    It is sad to know we are not alone but at the same time so alone in our individual situations.
    I’m tierd of going through the same old cycle of abuse, I feel stuck, I feel alone, I’m in disbelief and I just can’t feel good.
    Why are so many people males and females acting this way?
    I hope that you all have better days ahead.
    I want it to be over but at the same time it makes me feel sad and sick.
    I’m worried about his actions when I do finally leave. I’m going to see the psychologist soon hopefully that will help.
    On the plus side it have 2 great kids one day we wil have peace and I hope all of you will too.

  35. Rachel

    I know I’m in a verbally abusive relationship…there’s a scenario happening atm which I was hoping for clarification about. I feel it’s unloving and abusive, but can’t put my finger on it.
    he doesn’t help with any housework (interested to see that one listed above) and I had had enough of picking up his dirty dishes after him. told him that and so I would no longer take them to the sink.but when he does, I will wash them.
    he says I’m being childish and hypocritical (coz I don’t do things he wants me to eg turning lights off) and he doesn’t want me to control him so he will never take them to the sink. says it’s my fault coz of how I went about it.
    so my fault (apparently) that his dishes are piling up on the table. and he will never take them to the sink coz I’m playing a childish game and he doesn’t want to be controlled by me.
    I think it’s my boundary. I won’t pickup after him.

    1. When you make a boundary, the first word of advice is to make sure what you SAY you’ll do is what you’re WILLING to do. It seems like you’re good with this. His dishes are piling up, and you’re not touching them.

      Eventually, you’re going to run out of dishes. Pay attention to this and bring home paper plates and whatnot from the store – be prepared. He is the one being childish. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a grown man to take his fricking dishes to the sink.

      Whenever you (the ex-victim) sets a boundary, the abuser is going to say that you are controlling them through your choice. The abuser will do everything you say your man is doing: call you hypocritical, tell you that you’re the abuser, insist that if you had just told him in a different way he’d be cool with it.

      You, on the other hand, are also going to feel “out of place” because setting boundaries is something almost foreign to this relationship. You may be great at boundaries in other relationship, but this one eats thru you and any boundary you once had. It is uncomfortable enforcing boundaries in this relationship even when you follow the first bit of advice (see first paragraph). You have a tendency to second guess yourself because of all the crap you’ve heard your abuser say to and about you. Understand that it is easier and way more comfortable to NOT enforce a boundary than to enforce it, and you’ll be better prepared.

      If this is where you choose to stand your ground, then stand firm. It is NOT abusive to refuse to pick up after anyone.

  36. Anonymous

    My marriage is exactly like this except for the sexual part and all my previous relationships were like this as well….Funny thing is I know this, but I’m so used to it that as long as he doesn’t punch me in my face or hurt our children I will stay because its just normal for me.

  37. Anonymous

    I am finding out my husband is abusive.I love him, been with him since I was 14 .I’m turning 40 next month.it wasnt allways like this.we grew up together .I thought I knew him.now I’m hurt .we get along ,then he starts with the names or ignores m all together.every problem he has is my fault.he threatens to leave me. He goes a few days loving me .then a few days hating me.he has bought me gifts just to destroy in front of me.he made plans to take me to see my favorite music artist @ at a place I’ve never been .for my birthday last year ,just to get me excited so he could rip the tickets up in my fAce on my b day.we could have plans just to stay home and make love just so he can ruin those plans by sleeping on the couch.he says I dont work as hard as him because I dont make as much.hes taken my self esteem down to 0. When he loves me I try so hard to make him happy .when he hates me I try so hard to make him love me.ive cried so much so many times ive prayed.ive even begged God to end my life.I feal like a failure. I feal unloved. I have no friends and my family have allways gave me that middle child syndrome.I guess maybe in some wAy I feal like someone will hear my cries. I kept journals just to have some way of releasing what’s bottled up inside. But I relize I’m just crying to myself.verbal abuse realy does hurt .I wish that some how I could make my husband know his words and acts are killing my soul.

    1. Anonymous, the nature of a controlling person is to kill your soul. I am sorry. Even if he consciously knows what he is doing to you, he’s not going to stop. His goal is to CONTROL you, not to LOVE you.

      At the end, I had to decide if I would stay and allow him to kill me slowly or get the heck out and give living a shot. You don’t get to “make” him understand…you can only choose a solution that saves your soul.

    2. Anonymous

      That’s exactly what he’s doing to me, he’s killing my soul. I find it so hard to believe that a person could be so cold and cruel. It’s as if i’m waiting for him to “snap out of it” or something. He could be so evil and never apologizes for anything. Standing up for myself made things even worse. It’s like he’s punishing me for calling him on his b.s. He lies so much, even when it’s obvious and there’s proof to the contrary. He twists things around to where he even has me doubt myself. His constant criticism of me is in his eyes a “good thing” because it’s supposed to help me be a better person. What am I doing with this guy? I know I could do so much better, yet here I am still hanging on, waiting for change.

  38. anniemarie65

    My Husband is non physical physical as well; it is all Verbal abuse and he makes verbal threats like the following. There are days that I do not want to go out anywhere or it to eat he will say, we’ll when I get out if work I will go eat dinner by myself. When he goes on break at work he us nice when he comes home he finds something to complain about and his attitude changes and we are fighting. He tells me he was brought up better than me. He always brings family members into our arguments when they having nothing to do with what we are arguing about. Sexual insults me with words that has to do with his private area like this sentence, he says to me: hey honey look over here and he will expose himself and say come over here and such my c___k. He crabs at me from behind and and dry hum Po s me which makes me feel dirty and makes me sick to my stomach he even tells me I do not know nothing about life and corrects me all the time and he says how he is only trying to help me like I am a little child. He never believes a word I say he is a l ways right and that u should listen. He treats me like he us my parent and acts like I am dumb and should gr ow uo. I have been dealing with this for 7 years none stop; we gave been married 8 yrs. I can not stand having relations with him and gave stopped having sex with him entirely. When he touches me now it is like being with a stranger and I Feel Violated When He Does Grab At Me Because Ever Time He Comes Near Me He Sexual Insults me. He has bought me things and it fee K s like he us buying me off after arguments, when h e buys me an electronic later he complains about me using it and he has done to everything he gets me. Why get me anything if he is going to complain about me using I t. Sometimes I feel like he is setting me up so he has an excuse to argue. This is a very unhappy life but I gave no where to go the few family members I have are drug addicts and my mother helps them buy it. My 2 grown children are in their 30 and are addicts. I gave 4 chihuahuas that I can not l eave behind they are my only fruends. I have no where y I g I other than those shelters but I will not leave my dogs that I gave had for 8 yrs and older. I am stuck in this life

  39. pelly

    My ex was an ex con we met after he had just gotten out of prison serving 10 out of 12 years for aggravated assault. He was very sweet to me when he was angry. But when he got angry he called me names like stupid, retarded and dumb. I told him to stop calling me that because it bothered me but he said you are smart but you always playing dumb so stop acting retarded and I will stop calling you retarded. We fought a lot about everything, about the tv shows I watched he called them stupid and hated the one restaurant I love eating at. He said I had issues that needed to be dealt with because I confided in him about what I went through in my past. When he got angry he will scream at me throw things around my apartment and walk out then tell me I like making him upset on purpose and I’m the reason we fight too much. When we not fighting he is very sweet, he tells me how much he loves me and I’m the reason he is determined not to go back to pprison or get in in trouble. He even took me to go see his family for Christmas and they loved me. A month later we got in a fight he was screaming at me because I ran out of toilet paper I told it’s my apartment and I don’t care about toilet paper because I always have baby wipes he got angry and walked away. After that we fought again because he said if I keep watching gay shows he will break my tv. We fought about just silly things and he ended breaking up with me. He said we fight too much and I don’t compromise so we done and he is seeing other people. It really broke my heart, that after almost 2years he could dump me in such a cold way like I meant nothing to him. He blamed me for all the fights and for the break up so I’m sitting here regretting every decision I made the things I could have changed to make him stay. He won’t talk to me so I stopped calling, after 2years of telling me I’m all he wanted he dumps me, and moved on within a week to someone else and became so cold towards me. I’m so heartbroken, I hope I can get some help here because I no one to talk to.

  40. Anonymous

    I find these stories very inspirational, you were all victims of some cruel bastards. the signs you talk about I myself had displayed to some degree never realized that they were abusive. but with counseling i believe i can change these things. Or at the very least find a constructive more productive way of dealing with situations.

  41. I started seeing my ex partner 3 years ago and it wasn’t long that I started noticing quick and severe reactions that left me baffled. There was instant rage if he perceived that I was cheating on him or with other men. He literally went ballistic if I touched another man or laughed while talking. He policed and watched and interrogated me on everything that he felt was a threat to him or a perceived threat. I started thinking it was something I was doing. This went on for a long time and I began to accept his rages as normal. I lived my life on eggshells in fear to anger him or set him off and I knew that didn’t take much. When he would rage he would call me all manner of names. I saw that he was misogynist even though he lusted heavily over women and is a sex addict. Life with him was a roller coaster and he would shame me for wearing anything that he felt had men look at me. He raged against me for months about wearing track pants that showed a camel toe which I had no idea about at the time. He nearly broke up with me over it but instead had to punish me by shaming me and making me feel like I was a whore and unworthy of him. One day he thought I was cheating on him and he went into a psychotic rage and lost it. I was smart enough to take us to a public location because I was terrified to be alone with him. In the middle of the public area with people all around he slapped me and began strangling me. He didn’t remember doing that after. I was stupid enough to take him back and the next 2 years were spent literally being subject to his severe moodiness, emotional dysregulation, rages, inability to communicate without raging, verbal abuse, projection, kitchen sinking, policing, internet stalking, interrogation, criticism, hatred of women, selfishness etc. He would put me on a pedestal one moment and totally destroy me the next and I never knew moment to moment when he would be set off. He would remove his affection from me as a form of punishment if he was mad at me and if I didn’t allow him to have sex with me he would rage. I recall him saying to him once that I was really exhausted and in pain and he became infuriated with me and said all you have to do is spread your legs. Then he tried to make me feel guilty that I was using sex to punish him so in this way he tried twisting it so that I would feel like it was my fault. I also remember one of his rages where he said that he understood why Muslims forced their women to stay home, wear burkas and not be allowed to work, he had issues with men and women being allowed to work together and didn’t trust anything or anyone. He was constantly questioning my motives and trying to see if I was lying to him. I recall also where he was thinking of hiring a gorgeous man to try and tempt me to see if I would pass the test. Sometimes if he was really furious with me he would shame me in public, scold me, speak to me with hostile contempt and disgust making me feel like I was a lying disgusting whore when I am nothing but loyal. He believed that he could take my body when he wanted and that I was and had to be subject to him because he was the man yet at the same time when he was regulated he would act like he was a fair and rational person giving me liberty and freedom and respect. It was a strange contradiction to live in. I don’t think he ever knew real intimacy because he seemed to use my body as a sexual masturbating medium. He spoke about women in a very condescending and derogatory way while thinking that the only woman who was pure is his mother. He felt that way about me only when he was pleased with me or when I did not contradiction him. I found out that he is BPD narcissistic, avoidant and a sex addict with major mother enmeshment. He has been literally waited on by his mother hand and foot to the point where when he rages against her she goes off and makes him his favorite rice pudding. The whole thing is sickening and somehow I thought he was my soul mate. It took me a while to see clearly but the fog is lifting. When I look at him now I see a very ugly and selfish person who is extremely dangerous. He slapped me once, choked me once, shoved me once and punched many tables…….I think it would have been only a matter of time before he would rage physically against me. I recall him saying once why do I need to be in a relationship when I live like a king at home with a mother who does everything for me? All I need women for is for sex and that I can go get when ever I want without hassle or responsibility. I can take what I want when I want to and return to my kingdom. Somehow he thought he was a real catch and that I was the fortunate winner to land him. Abuse is very tricky because it literally seductively twists you up inside it subtly over time and through distortions that are made out to look like it’s your fault. They convince you that you are the one causing them to punish you and to be upset with you. They convince you that somehow it is you that is driving them to their anger and frustration. They want everything from you while doing the very least. It is shocking to me when I actually think that I thought he was my soul mate just because when Mr. Nice came out to play he was amazing. The thing I realized is that Mr. Nice was the mask and Mr. Nightmare was the real occupant.

    1. swett girl

      wow beautiful writing. you are abeautiful soul. you mirror me except for the abuse but i see the progression ,,,,,,,this man tells me everyday he will beat the fuck out of me and kill me, his verbal and emotional abuse is incredible it made me think i am freggin nuts…i am on the way out….thank you for the confirmation i am not insane:) i love your reply thank you you r a beatiful soul:)

  42. CysalleBird

    I have been with my husband since I was 15. I got pregnant with our son at 16. We had our young trials. Everytime I left him he would come crawling back. He even got speeding tickets out looking for me. I shoulda took that as a sign. Now 23, I have a 2 yr old and a one year old also. He was happy when I got preg with the first baby girl. Then got preg two months after the birth of the first girl with the second. About 3 months along, I wanted his help ( he is 26 now) instead he got mad and smacked my tooth out of my mouth. I lied to my parents and they believed me and payed for my dentist work. Since then, there has nothing but abuse for me. It seems like my family ignores it. He works, but wont help out around the house. Wont even bring out the garbage or his plate to the sink.
    I now started taking photographic evidence of the abuse. ( I also did for my tooth). None of my family seems yo care. His mon knows and doesnt care. I feel so alone. I feel like I’m the one whose wrong. I feel helpless. Ive even called the cops and showed them his gun after abuse and they made me leave. Am I crazy? Do I deserve missing teeth, black eyes, busted lips, and to be choked until I pee myself? What do I do?

    1. dyani

      Please get out of that relationship its not worth your life rather u have kids ornot with this man u dont deserve it call the domestic violence hotline pray for god to remove him from your life i will be praying for you also god bless and know your loved by Jesus u are so worth it

  43. Anonymous

    I’m a man and I agree with this 100 % my wife and attacked me in the past physically and still abuses me emotionally and verbally now when my daughter was born she moved interstate with the girls we were planning to move but together as a family but one day when I left for work she said she was going straight away it took 4 months before I could pack the house find a new job interstate and get the money and another 3 before I could afford a place where we are now every time I’mhome from work she tells me everything Iis my fault I so 16 hour days for 7 days underground at a time then come home for 7 and do everything I want to leave but she is starting to do it to her 4 yr old now I feel if I go my girls will think I’ve abandoned them as they grow up please help I’m trapped with no friends or family to help I can handle her abuse towards me but when the girls are involved I am starting to worry I’ll do something bad

    1. Anonymous, if you do “something bad” you’ll probably never be there for your girls again. “Knowing” you’re about to do something wrong is the best reason to leave. I doubt that the legal defense “Battered Woman Syndrome” will help you if they can prove premeditation. But, I’m no lawyer, so my opinion is just an opinion.

      I know that you feel trapped with no where to go. But you are working. You have money despite what it feels like. You are not as trapped as you feel. Please don’t live with your abuser any longer. Take the money that is yours, grab up your girls and move out. Or find a way to put her out. If the children are not biologically yours, then there are problems with moving out with them…but you can never be their dad in any shape or form if you “do something bad” to their mother.

    2. I was married to an abusive man for 12 years. I meditated on how to kill him often. I contemplated many other options, as well. Please get help!!!!!!! Don’t become the bad guy. No matter what she has done, the second YOU do ‘something bad’ she will become a saint and you will go down in history as another abusive (or worse) man. Then what will happen to your girls?

  44. swett girl

    hello world. i type this message searching for an answer to what i already know. the man i chose to have children with is a monster. i lived in denial for 6 years, blaming my self, for my promiscuity, maybe if i allowed him to ask me to marry him before i had sex with him like every other women, according to him maybe i would be respected by him? the truth is we all make sexual mistakes that does not mean we are bad people. down the line when i found out during a time when i left him he slept with another women he still to this day blames me. after all the cheating and other women, i lived in denial. oh he just has sex with those women. wow my morals are gone. my highschool self with all her malcom x martin luther king moral standards is gone. who am i. why do i allow someone i love to cross such boundaries i never would allow anyone else to cross? recently i broke up with him after having our third daughter who is now 8 months. i was tired of it all. i was left at the hospital when our daughter was born because he wanted to go home and take a nap? i had to take the public transportation home walking with a newborn infant while people stared at me with open mouths. i broke up with him and dated another abuser for three months and immediately i recognized the abuse and left and where do i choose to g with my three daughters, i had no where to go my family hates me and even if they didnt i am from a home of domestic violence and am still treated like a dumbass who can not do anything right, and am anorexic according to them. so i go back in to the depths of darkness the safe and familiar hell that i know to be real with my ex. but Yahweh my father in heaven pulled me through with his son Yahshua. i see what true love is it is in corinthians forgive the chapter escapes me but i think it is 1 corinthians ch 13 where it says what love is…..and my ex is none of those things…in fact he is the exact spirit paul warns of in 2nd timothy i forget the chapter but he warns how in the end people will be slanderous lovers of themselfs, haters of parents, etc. and i feel after finding my faith my father gave me new eyes becuase everytime i get called a whore and a bitch and get told how much he should beat the fuck out of me and the man i chose to date, etc. meanwhile his facebook is full of countless one night stands while i was away and he was missing his family????? yahweh the father is the true light and he gave his son to save of from this madness. all i need is my saviour yahshua. i cant wait to leave for good this time after the 1000th attempt to understand how much this man never loved me uses me for anything especially a nut as he calls it yet i am still the ugliest bitch he ever met? i have never in my life been so scared yet never have i had so much faith in my father and savior so in the end i thank Yahweh for all things and like i said i cant wait to leave….plan is in motion…more power to you all out there with a huge heart…i love you all and wish we could all hang out…….i cry so much for the victims but we are being refined in to pure gold for something so be happy to be made so strong….i love you all from the bottom of my heart…yah bless………in the name of my savior and king….yahshua

  45. Anna

    Here is my story I am so confused and need advice badly ,I have been in a physical relationship before which I ended and after that I entered another this time not very physical but very verbal i am 27 and was engaged to him for 6 months before we broke up and was told it was all my fault I have such a hard time moving on and really need advice from someone. So we started our relationship as long distance and flew very frequently to see me almost every 2 weeks 7 hour flight was very kind generous loving ,I was showered with gifts and kindness, I started noticing that every time we are out he drinks way more than others and when he did he became of course very unpredictable flirting with other girls and very touchy with female friends I asked him about it he said he’s just a kind guy it doesn’t mean anything their just friends so I let it go after all he was so in love with me , one night at a company party he noticed that my much older colleague put his hands around me it resulted into a big fight and he nearly attacked him we went home and he yelled at me till morning and called me a slut so much yelling that I said I was sorry just to keep him quiet, we got engaged 2 months after that I think I saw the sign that something wast right but denied it as didn’t wanna believe that yet again I ended up with someone like that ,I was meant to move to him then again at a party I got annoyed at something he did as he was drunk again and he blew at me and called me whatever he could in front of all my friends they of course thought he was insane we went home and he blamed me that I was a childish and shouldn’t be annoyed at his behaviour as he was only having fun and pushed me around the house , I again ignored 1month later we went out again he was drunk and got jealous as we were dancing with my female friends and were drawing attention so he left the party I went home he pushed me around and said I didn’t appreciate anything he did for me and I don’t deserve the ring which he took of my finger by force and punched the wall and pushed me around really scared me I again ignored it after that was a fight everyday on the phone about something stupid telling me I don’t listen and always have to be right ,By that time things were bad but we were engaged and I was in denial so I moved in with him we went to a friends wedding again he got drunk and told everyone how unhappy he was with me called me a bunch of names again at the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back I just couldn’t stand being humiliated anymore it was awful I felt like I had no peace every time it was something I could never do right and whatever he did was cause he was a fun guy according to him and he’s just kind and people love him he was very charming indeed but very manipulative i was always to blame for everything when in truth I would not ever make a public scene and I had called him crazy and mental which I shouldn’t have done but I was always humiliated and afterwards blamed,after the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back he got violent and started hitting me with his fist and kicking me saying I was a ungrateful bitch and I have turned him into a violent mental person and I have made him hate himself ,dragging me on the floor until the neighbours came hearing the screaming , I don’t understand anymore this is my 2and abusive relationship do I have the power to turn someone violent and crazy? Is it me whose doing that?

  46. Anonymous

    Unconditional Love doesn’t hurt You..When Hurting some-one mean’s there is no Love?? Think about it? If you would do it to them,, Would they like it?? I think We as Human-Beings don’t like to be Hurt?? Don’t We think So???!!! Please if you are getting Hurt, Make Sure You will Get Help??!! No One Need’s Abuse or take Abuse from no-one or anyone?? Stop Hurtting Your-Self??!!! Please take care and get Help….God Bless You Hurting Soul’s……..

  47. Anonymous

    why do you use the word HE as the abuser.

    1. Because it’s shorter than writing she. Sorry – that was a smart ass comment. I use HE because the English language somehow appropriated every pronoun to be “he” (masculine) unless talking about one female individual (“she”). As I write in general terms, “he” is the appropriate pronoun.

  48. Anonymous

    I’m waiting for my refund and taking every dime and my kids and our dog and running like I’m on fire. It’s rough just going on every day like everything is normal and putting on a huge act to keep him from suspecting. He WILL kill me if he knows or finds me when I leave. I’ve endured A LOT of physical and mental abuse. An example of the insanity..I forgot to order extra onion on his pizza..I got punched super hard in the jaw. I had to go to work with black eyes once and lie about a car wreck for my injuries. My kids have witnessed verbal & physical abuse alike to me from their father. I will seek therapy for them, this is not how normal happy people live or love and I want the very best for them. I often wish something horrible to happen to him. It’s hard going on every day and not exclaiming my hatred for him and just walking out. But he has kept me from working and keeps me isolated. Once I get my tax refund that will get me and my kids and dog the support we need to escape. I consolidate with one person who is very trustworthy and is my emotional rock. I thank god for her. I celebrate being alive and having the courage to put on a face everyday until my nightmare is over. Build yourself up,lose the false sense of fear that person has put in place,stand your ground,make a plan,set it in motion,run,and live life how you were truly meant to. I can’t wait to enjoy the simple things again! To every woman/man out there facing the nightmare I applaud you for surviving, know your self worth..not one person in this world deserves to feel afraid or made to believe they aren’t worth it. You deserve the world, make sure you get it! Let the miserable sacks torture themselves left to their own devices and know they cannot control or hurt you ever again! God bless 😀

  49. Anonymous

    i need to leave my childs father now he has abused me for 8 years now I am fed up no mum no kids cause of social services so fed up think its time to leave he took my phone

  50. summertime

    my boyfriend has been making threats to kill me and its really frightening to be honest. Im not sure what to do whether to goto the police or will this only make things worse, I feel trapped and worried

  51. dyani

    Yea ive heard all of these but the bank account because he dont have one because he cant get one! Physical emotional verbal abuse hurts no one should have to through

  52. K

    Almost everyone of these examples match the way my husband of 22 years has been towards me. I’m a stay at home mom who ‘couldn’t make it without him’ (or so he says.) It was never like this the first 15. It’s like a light switch went off after that and it has been getting worse and worse. It has gotten physical only once. Once is enough you say? It was two nights before my daughter graduated from high school. I didn’t want to ruin that time for my daughter, so I hid it, like I always do. I take the brunt of everything, fix it, clean it up and make it look like a perfect Suzi homemaker family. It’s not. It’s a glass castle. My family sees it, his brother and sister sees it, but basically everyone else thinks he’s a GOD. Is it bad that I wish he would get picked up for drunk driving just once and loose his medical license? I’m sure that it would be MY fault thou…
    I’m so over this marriage…

  53. alison

    Some examples of what the abuser will do (based on my experiences):

    Change the subject quickly when you are trying to communicate to him that he hurt your feelings. “ok yea. sorry bout that. didn’t mean it. Hey, how was work today honey? Hey guess what I did today? etc…”

    Buy things for the household (or for you) and then take them back and leave you for a night or two, so that you’ll be punished (even vital things like maxi pads during your period, or toilet paper).

    Tell you you’re crazy, a psycho, a c**t, a whore, a slut, worthless, and can’t do anything with out him. Your dinner sucked. The bed isn’t made. You’re nothing. Without me, you can’t do anything on your own! etc…

    Talk incessantly about things that make his ego bigger while putting you down in the same sentence (like “I HAVE a GREAT WORK ETHIC. and YOU have none! I MAKE the money. You are NOTHING but a peon at work.”

    Drives drunk with you in the car. And thinks it is funny afterward (no remorse about jeopardizing your safety).

    Disingenuous Apologies after “hurting your feelings”. First, he’ll make fun of you. Insult you. Criticize you. Then, he will say that he’s sorry in a half-witted way (not really meaning it). Often he will be laughing WHILE apologizing, and taking back the apology shortly after. (“Nah, I didn’t do that. stop you’re whining and b**ching. U say I did it, but you actually CAUSED me to do it… so screw you, I’m NOT sorry).

    Can’t take constructive criticism from you (but good at dishing it out to you in a very non-constructive way).

    Destroys your things. Crushes, smashes, throws them away, etc…

    Bangs tables and makes noise, blasts the radio, puts the television at full volume. All scare tactics to make you FEAR him.

    Promises are broken. He says he’ll pick you up (at the doctor, for example)… But if you make him mad (for the slightest slight) he says he’s NOT going to come pick you up (leaving you scared and fearful and without a ride home).

    Says YOU cause me to be mad YOU pushed my buttons. IF you DIDN’T push my buttons, I would not have to get so mad at you. YOU cause my anger at you. YOU are wrong!

    Makes you listen for hours about how BAD, wrong, wrong, wrong, and pitiful and pathetic you are (abusers seem to be in love with using the word PATHETIC on their victim). The abuser does this for so long, that you just want to sleep and get away from it, but you can’t sleep because he makes SURE you WON’T sleep by continuing to KEEP you awake (with bad words, yelling, criticisms, threats, etc…)

    Buys you something, and then later uses that purchase to MAKE you REALIZE that HE bought you something and YOU don’t appreciate it. He’ll use whatever gift he gives you (money, flowers, dinner, a new sweater, whatever…) to CONTROL you in this way. (e.g. “I bought you that sweater ! WHERE do you think it came from? The SKY? I’m the one who SUPPORTS YOU! You wouldn’t HAVE that sweater if it wasn’t for me!).

    Uses Sarcasm when you express your feelings to him. (dismissal of your feelings. denying you the chance to be expressive, open and communicative).

    Won’t talk about what he does wrong (only ONCE in a blue moon, MAYBE when he’s in a good mood, and gives a half-hearted “I’m sorry” to you).
    …BUT he certainly will have a field day talking about what YOU do wrong.

    Tells you your family and friends are idiots, morons, stupid, etc… Everyone you are associated with is an idiot in his eyes.

    Threatens to have sex with another girl. Usually says it vulgarly like “I’m going to F*** the girl at work!” He especially says these things when he can’t have his way sexually with you.
    Or when he feels wronged for something (which is almost daily).

    Purposely takes time out of work (or quit a job), so he can’t contribute to the bills. Pretends he just had a bad week at work, but truly, he knew you needed help with the mortgage, the rent, the cable bill, the phone bill, the car bill, etc… But somehow he just didn’t “make enough money” to HELP OUT.

    Shows you his good side when he wants something from you (sex or money, usually. and sometimes if he needs you to be present at a friends birthday party, or a relative’s holiday event, etc…).

    If you have a college degree (or higher certification in something than he does) and he doesn’t have that same education, he’ll say your degree is worthless. And usually won’t discuss it, acknowledge it, or tell anyone about it. You’ll get NO appreciation if you have more education than an abuser. (BUT – – when he’s MAD AT YOU, suddenly …. YOU HAVE DEGREE and You’re THIS MUCH of an idiot? You should KNOW better, from all that training you’ve had in college).
    (Ok, so first my degree is useless – – – and then it’s helpful? Which is it?)

    Ignores you, or somehow always has SOMETHING to do on the EXACT days that you REALLY need him around because you are not feeling well.

    Laughs at any illness or sickness you have. Ignores it. Belittles it. Uses it against you – – – to call you lazy and make you feel like you’re just ACTING and that you don’t really have an illness. Particularly psychological. But he’ll also use physical illness against you, by making you feel like you USE it as an excuse NOT to work, and NOT to have sex, etc…

    Makes you feel like you should be doing MORE and MORE and MORE for him. While he’s continuing to do LESS and LESS and LESS for you.


    I’ll stop writing here. There’s so much more to say, but it would end up being a novel. I wrote these things today, to demonstrate what I went through in my abusive relationship. And I hope it’ll help others.


    1. Anonymous

      Wow i realise now how that works i used to think im overreacting he doesn’t use bad words and is so reasonable that i question my saniity im remembering wrong or im overreacting or its for my own good or im being thoughtless or PMSing or distracted or too obsessed with phone to function or just plain damaged

  54. T

    This crap is why i am widowed and single.

    1. Think from the frying pan I’m right in fire! Need to get out of this relationship

  55. I met a man online in 2012 and I thought he was great . I am 57 and he is 56 He told me all the right things . Somehow deep down I knew something wasn’t right . Eventually he convinced me how much in love we were . I say that as he turned out to be a master munipulater and an even better lier . In time I found out he had spent two years in prison for domestic violence and violations of restraining orders , ran pot houses, shot two people , was convicted of second degree assault for trying to run someone over with his car. He is an alcoholic and very abusive. He had 4 grown children that think of him as dead because of everything he has done to them . He is one of those that can make you believe anything . It wasn’t his fault ,the judge wrongfully convicted him , he didn’t do it etc. He left for about 5 months but never left me alone ..texts ,phone calls , voice mails .. Anyway I believed he had gotten help and would no longer drink and would seek help for his anger and abusiveness. He said he loved me so much he would do anything . I let him come back and on March 22 for six and a half hours I was tortured ,he drank 3 pints of vodka and a bottle of wine in 4 Hours . He hit me ,spit on me ,held a knife to my throat , called me filthy names, said he was going to kill us both that night period. He broke mirrors , dressers,TVs, my mom and dads picture, stabbed my kitchen table and countertops, my phone, cut my bedding up , kicked my walls etc. He broke his own phone so there was no way to call for help . He kept me confined in the bedroom mostly . He threatened family members , judges, his kids and their mothers . He was in a violent rage . He finally laid down and made me take off my clothes and get in bed . He passed out at a little after midnight and I ran for my life . He was arrested that night . Pictures of me and all the damages were taking by the police and they are prosecuting him . I am lucky to be alive . I really don’t know why he didn’t kill me . I don’t understand how someone does that to someone they claim to love . If …or I should say when he gets out I am out of here or he will kill me . Sad because I own my home. Please be careful out there look for the red flags and if there is even one, end it before it gets started. Don’t be naïve or think that if you are a good person you will be good for someone that just needs a good caring loving influence in their life to give them the break they need to change theirs for the better . They can only do that for theirselves . I made a bad mistake and almost died because of it so please please don’t let someone sweet talk you into moving in with you . Keep your distance and do background checks , talk with their family and friends . Never is abuse love . Thanks for reading my story

  56. annette green

    I see some sentences that are well to familiar!! Mine Cuts my Family down and My Son. My Family what few I have left have a lot of bad issues going on. I do not need my Husband throwing that up or reminding me of it just to hurt my feelings and he does this when Iam sticking up for myself. when things brake down in the house he blames it on me and tells me ,well if you would be careful more with things they would last. Nothing last forever, everyone knows that but he tells me iam the one that broke it. When I say something he is either tells me I do not know what iam talking about or corrects me and he also tells me to grow up. I turned 49 April,23 and now 1 yr away of being 50. everytime he Corrects me which is about every day for the past 9 yrs and that is about how long we have been married, he says he is only doing things correcting and telling me Iam wrong bewcasue he is trying to make me a better person and teach me. I told him are you ki9dding me, Iam not a child that needs molding and I do not need a Father I need a Husband. He finds things to B–ch about so he can have fun with his Verbal Abuse. Just Yesturday which was May ,5,2014 he and I was watching the landscapes makeover that you can win if they pick you, he said I can do anything these Guys can do and better. I could not believe what I was Hearing!! He talks and Acts like he is a Saint and Iam a Liar and he Constantley feels I need him. HE also told me ther other day that he will stop buying me things I need and that I will be paying rent and the bills along with food since we are only roommates and Iam no long giving him love and Sex . I just can not make love with some one who is a verbal abusive to me and treats me like a child. There is a couple of things he hasw never done and that is lay a hand on me nor has he destroyed my things, he makes Verbal threats like, taking gifts away or make me pay rent and he tells me if I don’t like it get out you know where the Door is!! He also tells me that When I do leave that the neighbor will call him and then he will come home and only let me take clothes with me and that is it and the neighbor is watching which I know is a lot of Crap that is a way of Controlling. My Husband will calls me at breakfast Break and lunch Break without fail every day which he never misses and asked me what Iam doing which he is checking up on me and if I miss the phone ring he will say why didn’t you andwer me? which Iam on the toile3t and Iam not going to jump of the toilet right in the middle of it. He gets mad if I go to the store after he has been home for an hr after work and he says: You had all day to go to the Store, and says Iam meeting up with someone so every time I go anywhere I Have to race there and race back just to prove to him that Iam not cheating. I always have to prove everything I do. He never praises me he just insults me whenever there is an opportunity and this has been going on for years and never changes. Iam sick of being treated like he is the Parent and Iam the child. He constantly and I mean all the time he thinks I need his help to make me a better person, when he needs to except me the way iam. so

  57. net

    How about ignoring you for days and when you try to talk acts like your not their. Or breakin your things to teach you a lesson. Saying you ruin everything. Saying you take the fun out of everything. How about telling you how selfish you are.

  58. Anonymous

    I hate my life now because of abuse. I am just waiting to die.

  59. Anonymous

    Wow, there’s too many people out there with this problem. Abusers and their spouses.
    I have to say I am just like Amy, my husband though I love him, can be just like Amy’s. What does it take for us to realize they aren’t going to change? Why do we feel like we have to fix things? Why am I always the one to go to him after he was a jerk. Last night we went to Lowes, he was drinking I was driving and because wasn’t drinking with him I was no fun. I was a bitch. Told me off on the way into the store. Doesn’t talk to me all night, (good thing) slams doors, then this morning comes to me like everything is ok? I told him that I didn’t want to come to him, that he needed to put himself in my shoes. Why would I want to come to him after he treated me that way??? So he leaves. Later on in the day I figured I’d better call him and he didn’t answer, two calls I made.
    Perhaps he’s mad still? Who know, who cares. Me, I care. I am sick of him making things out o be my fault and they’re not.
    I’ve learned it’s not who’s right or wrong, it’s abut having self respect.
    I need to have more self respect for me.
    My husband is a drinker and if things aren’t his way he fly’s off the handle.
    I really don’t know why I am still here. He was a jerk to his daughter who now doesn’t speak to him.
    It’s alway’s someone else, he never admits anything is him.
    Why am I still here? Why do I still love him? What am I waiting for? Please someone tell me?

  60. Dee

    One more for the list – you go out shopping for the day leaving alcoholic bf at home, on returning you are asked ‘who have you been shagging’? So glad I finished with him

  61. italo

    this is so my ex. when i broke up with him, he constantly sent me emials, pretended to be someone to tell me he’s dead when in fact he wasn’t, bothered me at work until he got me fired. he set up a page in a porn site with my name and face and posted naked pics beside my face. he’s also used multiple emails, fb accounts and skype on my name.

    now he’s begging to just talk but i can never forget all of those. i just want to move on. i hope he does also

  62. You cannot fix nor change an abuser and once you realize that and get out never look back just move forward and learn from it . To everyone who has been abused and your heart broke in two I am so sorry . It will get better in time . I believe in Karma and they will get what they deserve . Much love and happiness to all the victims of abuse .

  63. Anonymous

    My ex controlled me completely, even after he left, by making sure I didn’t have quite enough money to get by. He squirmed every which way to reduce his maintenance payments, saying if I needed help all I had to do was ask!! I actually got so desperate once I did ask- I can still hear the laughter and scorn ringing in my ears now. I had the audacity to return to work and had no money at all for a month. He wouldn’t help at all, but when my tax credits were back-dated 3 months later, he happily took the lions share to help fund his own house. He told me my family were all concerned that I was a ‘mental case’, and my friends ripped me apart whenever they got the chance. He used to visit MY friends on his way home from work, and tell me not to worry because he’d defended me when they tore me apart. He degraded me sexually at every opportunity, telling me I had a problem and I needed to get it sorted because I winced every time he came near me. The truth was he repulsed me so much I couldn’t bear the thought of him anywhere near me. He wasn’t good with ‘no’ though, and even when one night I pretended to be asleep so he’d leave me alone, he didn’t take the hint. I kept thinking ‘he’ll stop in a minute’, but he never did, and at the point where I realised he wasn’t going to stop, I was frozen with fear and disgust. Long after he left he’d just come round late at night and expect to be allowed to stay. Every time I was pleasant, he just assumed we were getting back together, so in the end I had to be brutal and tell him I couldn’t stand him near me. Once he got the message he tried to take my car away, then my house, and we have now been in and out of court for 4 years for him to get more time with the kids. He has them 2-3 days every week, often leaving them with his mother and sister, but the kids are not keen (probably because he constantly shouts at them and is very derogatory about me, and about the church we belong to), which he is now trying to say is down to ‘parental alienation’, with a view to having them removed from my care and placed into his. IF there has been any alienation, he has done it to himself with his erratic behaviour and bad temper- I have done nothing but encourage my kids’ visits with him as I knew they’d have to go there anyway- so I just wanted them to be happy. One of our kids has extreme behavioural problems (a dozen exclusions already and only in year 3), but he insists it’s just me being too soft. Obviously the school and all the clubs they attend are ‘too soft’ too, as none of them can deal with it. He even told the mental health team it’s all fine at his house (the other kids say it’s a nightmare but he just ignores what is happening), and we almost got bumped from the list to see a psychiatrist. Five years after ‘getting out’, there is no let up in his behaviour and I live under the constant threat of court over the kids or the house. He moved in to MY house, bullied me into moving, then intimidated me into not specifying the £150K deposit was all mine. When I finally got rid of him I felt bad about making him homeless, so gave him £5.5K towards the deposit on a place of his own, but he wants another 12.5K or he’ll fight me for half when my youngest is 18. I don’t think it will ever stop, but I can’t even run as my children’s lives are here, as is my job and the rest of our family. I know it’s wrong, and I feel like an epic failure as a Christian, but I do pray for a thunderbolt sometimes!

  64. Natalie

    I love my husband with all of my heart. He is abusive. He literally controls everything in my life. I am not allowed to use the light because he likes to sit in the dark. I have a severe, and I mean super severe, mental illness and despite my best efforts he never supports me anymore. He throws it up in my face. He calls me dumb cunt, bitch, whore, fat ass, worthless, useless, every name in the book though he really likes fucktard.

    He literally said when he finally gets a job as he just graduated college, that he is going to separate from me because “he doesn’t have to put up with MY bullshit” which was me saying please ask me to turn off my lamp instead of being sarcastic and saying loudly “Hey! How about that lamp”. He never just asks me to do something. He either tells me, or does it in a very rude and sarcastic manner. I have bills and no job. I can’t leave. WTF do I do? I’ve been isolated from all friends, I have none anymore, and my family. I have NO ONE.

  65. Topaz

    Reading this makes me weep…. I am in the middle of custody/visitation/ support case with my sons father who was extremely verbally abusive and physically abusive. The worst thing about it is I have never called the cops on him so by absolute fear his him getting unsupervised visits with him. Long story short we had a child .three years later he brought his mother over took over my apartment forcing my child and myself to stay with my mom all those years from 2011 to January of this year I have been yelled at called names physically assualted in front of my child and to make matters worst my son has been completely neglected. We went to court and he brought a woman and a 2 year child that I know nothing about (clearly he has cheated) what I would want is sole custody and supervised visits honestly I prefer no contact for myself and child I just feel scared and at a lost. Helpful advice is wanted.

  66. yeah half this shit doesn’t make sense. i live with my brother and his fiance has brain damage they can’t afford to live on their own and she literally doesn’t understand money. she has told him she is moving out into government housing with her daughter because she doesn’t want roommates. she has not had a job in 6 years and sits on her bed all day playing second life and doesn’t pay attention to her kid or my brother. if he talks while she is playing he gets yelled at. if she doesn’t feel like driving him to work she asks me to take him and then bitches that i took him. i don’t know if she has more mental issues but i don’t understand her. so now my other roommate and i have to find a new place all while i worry about if my brother and his family can afford to move out and live on their own since he is the only one working. i also just put their new car in my name and was supposed to be able to use it to go to work but she says that i have no rights to use it. he doesnt call her names or any of the stuff listed but she uses half of the things listed against him. i am not trying to be a jerk here but she needs a reality check.

  67. Anonymous

    I also live in fear from day to day I’m always put down I’m never good enough I’m told I can’t cook right,I can’t clean right I’m just stupid fat,ugly I’m always letting everyone down. I go from crappy jobs it just feels like no matter what I do for him its never good enough for him.

  68. Anonymous

    and another common factor in abusive relationships is when the abuser destroys personal relationships that you have, constantly looking for reasons to pick on your family and friends and then have an argument with them, my husband loves to do this, he will do this once or twice a year and guess what, he never actually confronts the person him,self with his imaginary offended feelings but tries to gt me to do it for him or just ensures I cannot see them again, he ruined our daughters birthday this year by suddenly deciding that one of my friends (whose daughter is friends with my daughter) had upset him at a dinner party months before, ofcourse he never mentioned this until months later)

  69. Delusion-ally heartbroken

    my husband is abusive! I’m not perfect and I know I react to his abusiveness, but I try to be mature and loving. I supported him, I took care of our daughters, I lived for him, now I have nothing more to give. I’m spent, my life is half over, and now I wonder where do I go from here. The thought of spending the rest of my life being neglected and alone, very frightening and disheartening…I have been truly considering that my life is over and that I will never have the loving relationship that I really feel everyone should have. My heart can’t take it anymore, I loved my husband and had eyes only for him, but he just expects me to take care of him, I don’t think he finds me attractive, and hasn’t gone out of his way for me at all. I had other interests. But as soon as I get involved, he has me doing stuff for him and then I think he really cares. But it’s just a ploy that I have fallen into every time for the last 22 years. I’m done, I can’t do it. there’s no point to going on.

    1. Mixed Up!

      Hi there….I realise your post was over a year ago, but just wondering how you are. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for almost 13 years, but didn’t realise this was the case until after I left. A dear frond of mine who also knows my ex told me he was passive aggressive and when I googled the term, it was spooky because so many of the things they do he was doing to me. He was physically beaten by his father for many years and when we met and I found this out, I felt so sorry for him and was there for him in all ways loving him dearly. We married and I quickly fell pregnant and then things changed…..he stayed out all of t he time drinking with “work” and coming in trashed and verbally abusive calling me horrendous names like bitch and c**t…..just. Because I wouldn’t have sex with him in this state and if I dared cross him on why he had stayed out until the early hours getting drunk and then waking me up when I had a young baby ….that made things worse.
      He had/has a very successful job which over time we have developed into him being a partner through my support at home and coming out with clients to gain business (as I used to work in the city with a successful career before I had children).
      We then had another baby and he continued to be out binge drinking and not getting in touch so I never knew where I stood as far as him coming home and also not knowing what state he would be in.
      Even at weekends he had time consuming selfish hobbies such as golf or wrestling/boxing so was hardly ever home to help out. He saw anything to do with the house beneath him and hardly ever mucked in to help when I even asked for help. He would just sit there in silence either ignoring me or saying he would kart, but later never came! It was an emotional roller coaster with very little consideration of my feelings. He showed no empathy when I was ill or needed help. Serious conditions like a diagnosis of a malignant melanoma or a broken arm, or an abrasion on my eyeball when little one caught me with a finger nail. The doctor when I had my surgery been commented that is was strange I didn’t even get a hug after the operation.
      I then started to suffer after about two years of marriage chronic insomnia and consequently depression on many drugs to try and address it, but nothing worked. I used to exist on a maximum of one a a half hours sleep a night after taking my tablets and then awake the whole of the night with my heart beating like a train with anxiety. I would them force myself up in a morning to take care of my boys, but feel so sick with sleep deprivation I could hardly function, ……but I forced myself and to eat…..I lost so much weight with the stress and sleep deprivation, people though I was anorexic. He even said I looked like an anorexic druggy with my clothes off…and to do something about it!
      He provided for the family as the breadwinner and was/is on a huge salary, but was never there for me and our boys…..so he never forged a relationship with them. He always had a latent anger under the surface and never smiled. I didn’t understand why as in the beginning he was so caring and loving towards me and so protective.
      He has in the past admitted to hating women and when I reminded him I was a woman….he said I was just different . I even asked him to treat me the same as his female work colleagues, as he was so charming with them, but he said he had to make a real effort with them and he didn’t have to try with me!
      He used to provoke me so much, to the extent i was blanked for all arguments and made out to be the mental case as I would be the one to rise to his horrendous behaviour, but he was never in the worng in his eyes. I tried to ignore him when he came home drunk…..at the end upto three to four times a week……but he would just follow me around the house being nasty, calling me those disgusting names and blaming me for the breakdown in our marriage because I would have sex with him. I would then lie awake the rest of the night after four or five hours of arguing and condescending cruel comments looking at me as if I was scum. He would then get up in the morning wreaking of stale alcohol out of every pore acting as if nothing had happened or apologising trying to kiss me that made my skin crawl.
      Whenever I seriously called him on his behaviour and he thought I could leave he would massively apologise and say it would never happen again….and I would believe him and be like a child hanging onto the hope he had actually changed. Of course after a little time whether it was days or weeks the verbal abuse and drinking and underlying anger would start again and I would plummet into depression. It was torture and I gave him chance after chance to change door the sale do the family unit….because if he was it change we had everything….two beautiful boys, a fabulous home, financial security…..everything.
      The crunch came when I went away on holiday with my boys when he was at work over the summer and there was a drunk fuelled party at the house when neighbours were comparing to me about the disturbance and noise with loud music all night. I dared to message him about this and the foul language I received back I cannot repeat back. He hates anyone in authority whether it is the police, teachers, older people….even his spouse who stands upto him. He is never wrong and gets abusive whenever critsized. Mine has made him incredibly arrogant and yes the things he bought me and the places we went when he was on good form were amazing…..but all I craved was a close loving husband that could be a real companion and friend…..what I thought I had when we met.
      He even used to ask….why I was with him on occasions and accused me of having affairs since I didn’t want to sleep with him.
      When I got headhunted and a very good contract job he was really nasty and didn’t see. The point as we had more than enough money. The truth is I felt vulnerable and I needed to prove to myself when the opportunity came along that I could do it. I thrived, but it was really tough looking after the boys on my own with no family around me to help and existing in around four hours sleep a night for six months.
      After I crashed into depression after these six months I was sent to a specialist and was diagnosed as bipolar, which in retrospect was a relief as I could be put on medication that could balance my own inner roller coaster. The specialist was very honest and said I had been incredibly strong not to hit drink, drugs or be committed after such an experience over a decade….She said this, but I never believe I am strong…. I never wanted to fail at anything, including my marriage, but eventually after the party during that summer after even things at our beautiful home were smashed by so called friends of his, I had had enough…….I was dead inside and my bubbly positive resilient nature wasn’t there anymore and I felt numb.
      After a very apologetic phone call from him I agreed to give him one last chance to prove to me that he would choose his boys and myself over the alcohol and the abuse that came with it. Although he could be abusive selfish and cold when sober….only pleasant when things going his way!
      My boys then much older who had heard a lot of the arguments when in their beds at night and experienced first hand the sullen, sulky angry looking father at a weekend. I know he. Loves them and I don’t doubt once he really loved me. I warned him on numerous occasions that he was destroying all that we had, but he would just blame me for everything that was wrong with our relationship. I was exhausted emotionally and physically at the age of 44 and my two boys pleading with me not to give him this last chance!
      I did ….and he did try, but he lasted 10 days! I was completely dead inside and had to be true to my word and get us out. We agreed to divorce and we started the process, but I could tell he still wanted to make it work……but I no longer loved him or even liked him.
      I then during all of this was contacted by an old friend by text who I had known for about four years through the school and we started to text each other through this awful time. I had an emotional relationship through conversation and text that filled me with hope t hat all men were not the same.
      We did start a relationship after a few weeks of messaging and I felt very guilty about this, but fulfilled in a way I never thought was possible at my age….he is seven years younger than me…..I was very nervouse at my age after two babies and a mental health condition.
      Of course when my soon to be ex found out I was blamed for everything and accused of the affair being the cause of our divorce. I did divorce him, although a horrendous process being called every disgusting name under the sun!
      My boys adore my new partner and he adores me and loves my boys……he has kids of his own and life can be very stressful and financially strained to say the least. I am. Currently looking for work, as my last job went no where after a year…..was made a mug of!
      I write this to give you hope, but would love anything you have to say in response as I am even going through a hard time now after two years split from my ex. I love my new parter dearly, but feel like damaged goods with my self esteem through the floor and guilt about the affair at the end of the day…..even though we had agreed to divorce. I can’t help but sometimes think of the good times we shared as there were a lot, but way more horrendous times. I miss the financial security we built up together over so any years through hard work and focus. All he wanted me to do was not work and spend the cash, but I saved as mush as I could so we had a secure future….perhaps I should have just sat back and spent without a thought…..I don’t know! On top of this my boys don’t want to go over to their dads so seeing them so upset really upsets me and I miss them so vouch when they are not here….they have been my life over the past 14 years!
      I am so sorry this has been a saga and would love to hear from you. I really connected to your story and would live to stay in touch.
      I feel so lost right now, but lucky at the same time and I feel conflicted ….hating myself for having these thoughts……..really look forward to beau ing from you.
      Hope you don’t mind me contacting you like this.

  70. bindoe

    What about when it’s a woman doing it to her man?

  71. Anonymous

    You guy’s really annoy me….you think it is only poor sad women that get abused,!!!!!!! my wife is controlling, threatening, violent and for ever wishes my closest family dead, we had a huge argument one night outside where she bit, scratched and punched me, I never, and never have retaliated, neighbor called police they came (both female I add !!) but it was me who was made to feel like a monster !!!!!! even as my wife continued to shout, swear and attempt to kick me all they kept asking was “what have you done to annoy her” !!!!!! As soon as I said she does this to me all the time, they just grinned and said sure !!!!!…………………….you should all think about this and realize that men get abused too but they have no defense when it comes to the law !!!!

  72. julie

    My husband has demonstrated the “correct” way to slit your wrist in front of our Son after a suicide attempt. He advised our son that he better succeed the next time he tries to kill himself. He has woken everyone of our children in the middle of the night to either begin fighting with me or discipline the children. He tells me it is best to wake them with a spanking so they will remember what they have done is wrong. My husband has not worked since January of 2012, since this time he has threatened his former boss and co-workers, stated that a “voice” told him to write a book, solve the worlds problems, save baseball. In July of 2012 our oldest son was admitted into a in patient drug rehabilitation center my spouse said the staff was trying to brain wash him. He informed the administrative staff at the facility that God has instructed him to re write the AA/NA books because he had a better cure using marijuana. I have been called every name mentioned on this page and if at any time I would cry about my 18 year olds situation he would call me a dumb f….ing enabler. My husband was arrested on January 11th for threatening his former employer and his family. He has been baned from an entire county for barging through security to sit next to our governor&smoke some marijuana. On March 27th he was arrested for battery/domestic violence. A week prior to his arrest he woke my 8 year old son at 1 am to tell him he was going to be in the garage sitting in his “Running” car The next day he held a knife to his wrist in front of our children. On March 30th I obtained a 4 year restraining order on my husband and filed for divorce. My husband has been gone for 3 months and still is able to find a way to make me miserable. I stayed a very long time in this situation because I feared for the safety of my children. My husbands family has a ton of money he would always remind me of his wealth and how I could never leave in peace because of this. We are now filed for divorce and my worst fears have come true DESPITE his legal record. I do not have the money to pay my Attorney much less the Guardian ad litem the court has appointed. I feel that my journal documenting 2 years of abuse along with police and school reports would have been enough to prevent my children from having to spend unsupervised time with my husband. My husbands Attorney is claiming that he is just a little quirky but not dangerous. On Monday I will attend a second meeting with a guardian ad litem to explain why I feel he should not be around the children unsupervised. The judge has however, ordered on a temporary basis that the children have supervised visits until our next court date. I dread going to yet another meeting to only feel more powerless than before this process started. I am so frightened to take the chance that the judge will not grant supervised visits that I am contemplating putting the divorce on hold and going back to him. It is sad to me that in the end it really does matter how much money you have 🙁 In addition to the above incidents he continues to violate the restraining order. I lost my job at a healthcare facility because he continued to visit a particular resident and send several text messages asking about me and the hours I work. Yes this was turned into the police and DA.

  73. Sarah

    I have been with my boyfriend 6 months. He constantly calls me a slut and says everyone thinks it too and he’s embarrassed to be with me. He doesn’t let me see my friends. He doesn’t let me on any social networking site and always says I’m lying even about having food in my bag or having change on me.
    Today we’ve had a big arguement causing me to split up with him but we spend 24/7 with each other but he says he doesn’t care if we split up and again I’m a slut.
    Last time we split up he said he wanted to kill himself etc
    Everytime we argue it always my fault because I always push him to say these things
    We do get a long and I love him to bits and he does look after me but what do I do

  74. Sarah

    I have been with my guy for 6 years and I’ve had to call the police a few times and so has the neighbours but blames me for them getting them involved . He hasn’t hit me in 2 years , however now I’m not capable of making my own decisions. I have tried to talk to him regards to past but won’t accept that he hit me just roughed me up ( I don’t understand the difference ) I though getting your thumb broke or being picked up and threw through the wardrobe , making me feel I have taken this out of pro portion , I tried to leave the other day as he says I’m fat and he is totally discussed said I was going to leave and now is threating violence towards my famliy ……………… The house is in my name I rented from landlord and cos I earn the money he would have no where to go plus I don’t think I could get him out as towards people outside ( especially our landlord he’s a prince among men and I’m very lucky I dint feel it . ) what can I do , without causing a scene or a fight I hate this

  75. Jane

    But what can one do? I am so trapped-and will be for years still.at least 2-3 years.I was adopted at 10 days of age into a very strange and abusive family.I was verbally abused and beaten through my childhood-broken down and made to feel I was worthless and a curse.Till I was so depressed as a teenager that I could’nt even train/study for a job/career.There was”nt money for studying of any kind anyway.

    To the point,these adoptive parents withdrew from my life in my 20’s,and their family never kept contact either.They always looked at me like I was some freak anyway,it was clear to see they had a distaste in me.So I was all alone,in a trainwreck of a life-had 2 bad marriages to very abusive men,but left when it became too intenable,in each case.

    I had a child by then,and not being qualified for any job that payed enough to pay rent,food,support a child etc,and no family members like normal folks have,I had to go into prostitution-which is where I met my current husband,whom I’ve been married to for 17 years.I thought he was my rescuer but I could’nt have been more wrong.He is absolutely abusive,and my life is lonely,sad and isolated.We live in South Africa,in a very geographically isolated part of the region anyway,so except for my 2 children,I have hardly any contact with the outside world.

    He does’nt allow me to know what his salary is,bit we are always battling financially-which of course he blames on me-although I don’t have access to his autobank card,pin number,wallet or bank account.I literally do not have a life,just a sad lonely existence.He treats me like shit,and if I try to tell him how he is hurting mny life,I get the well-worn old answer:”If I am making you so unhappy,you are welcome to leave+find some one better”

    Knowing full well I would have to leave my children,as I would be on the pavement.I cannot even get to legal aid in the capital city,as I never had the opportunity to get a dtiver’s license-and he refuses to teach me to drive,saying I’d just f up his car.Also I have only one friend,an elderly lady I get to see about once a month,and she does’nt drive either.I don’t have money for a regulat lawyer either,I don’t have a cent of my own,and no relative or friend who can help.

    I am so trapped and bitterly unhappy-i long for death,as what I have is not life anyway,just a bleak little poverty-ridden lonely existence.I so wish I could just die,every day,even while I try to be cheerful for the children’s sake.I won”t commit suicide,I would never do that to them-but as I’m almost 50 now(had my children later in life,my 2 youngest) and suffer much ill health,I am hoping I will pass on not much longer than 10 years from now,my youngest will be 18 then.

    I cannot leave,as I have nowhere else to go,and my children are still young,and I am penniless,disenfranchised and unemployable except for the most menial and low-paid wages,and at my age I would be considered too old for even those. I have no opportunity to maybe meet some one else-and quite frankly I am too wary now,to ever go into a realtionship again.All my relationships,whether boyfriends when I was younger,or the 3 husbands have been unhappy,or downright abusive.I seem to be a magnet for abusive men,men who cheat,once or twice downright psychopaths,I won’t take a chance again,not at my age and with ill health.In my country medical insurance is a must,the state hospitals here are a joke,so many people die unnecesarily,due to the theft,ineptitude and corruption rampant in this country’s government-and at least this man I’m married to,has me on his medical insurance..I see no hope,no rescue,no deliverance-except death.

    I wanted to write this,to warn women who are pretty much alone in the world,with financial difficulties,especially if they have children-please be careful-there are men out there who will find a lonely,desperate,broken woman-and proceed to completely crush them underfoot.

    1. Sharon

      Jane, im so sorry to hear about your story. Know that God has a purpose for you. He never makes a mistake. Great things come out of adversity. Please if you need someone to talk to send me an email, I will gladly listen. God Bless.

  76. M

    Get away with any kind of help you can secure (charities, support groups etc). Every day you waste with such a person destroys more of you and will make it harder to recover in the future.

  77. Maria

    Thank you all for sharing your stories; this helps every one of us to see the undeniable truth after years and years of denial. This site is a priceless stepping stone and resource.

    I recently made the decision to leave him for good; my love for him had been fading gradually for years. We have two daughters and a son who is just five months old. I kept hoping he would change as he is an intelligent man and in his Nice Guy role he pretends to be aware of his priorities and duty, but words never turn into actions. Our life has been a roller coaster, he left me once (when our first daughter was 2), planning to go back to his ex, we lived in 3 different countries (we had a baby in each of them) and everything just got worse in terms of his attitude and behaviour. He has said and done 95-99% of what is listed above; the accuracy is amazing.

    For a long time I could not accept that his verbal cruelty was premeditated – we come from different countries and cultures and he is 12 years my senior, so I often blamed our difficult communication or his peculiar sense of humour on these differences. At worst I thought he was using damaging behavioural patterns he’d picked up as a child but that it wasn’t his fault and I needed to tolerate his flaws. Boy, was I wrong. This guy enjoyed himself while playing the game of cat and mouse with me, he drew some sort of sick pleasure from my pain.

    He has a sadistic streak I’ve tried very hard not to notice. Once he got stoned and spent about three hours outside, watching some ants overwhelm and slowly dismantle a larger insect while it fought for its life. I know that’s nature, I wouldn’t interfere with the process, but it would be horrible to watch that poor thing being torn apart bit by bit, I just can’t understand how someone can enjoy it. In many cases he shows nothing but kindness to animals, especially dogs, so I found this very strange. He also kills cockroaches by setting them on fire. He told me he used to hunt rabbits when he was young, it always kind of bothered me, but then again lots of people do that, I figured I was being too sensitive.

    He loves mind games, you can see his eyes shine with demonic enjoyment. He used to threaten to take my kids away and have me locked up in a mental institution. He would tell me he was dying or that he would die in two years’ time because of his smoking, then he would refuse to quit or see a doctor, which caused extreme anxiety; when I told his family, urging them to take action, he reassured them I wasn’t well in the head. They still think he’s a wonderful, down-to-earth, normal guy.

    Sexually, I have sometimes felt like an object, although in 7 years we hardly had any physical intimacy; he went cold just after I got pregnant and rejected me for a year and a half. From there on, we would maybe sleep together twice a year (maybe three or four, can’t remember) and I would get pregnant immediately. Not that I mind; I love my kids. He wouldn’t use condoms as he couldn’t stand them and was demanding that I do something (I refused hormone pills as they can cause abortions and lots of problems and I would rather be abstinent for life than risk a single abortion or miscarriage). So if we’d had sex more often we would have seven kids now instead of three. After he told me he was dumping me and I had no choice but to leave the country with my daughter and resettle, he slept with me all of a sudden, to then tell me that didn’t change anything and I would still have to leave. I felt used. Other times he would come into the room and ask for sex (just like that), as if I could be turned on like a light switch. ”No” wasn’t taken well at all; he would usually rage. After I had my son the doctor told me my body could not go through another pregnancy after 2 C-sections and I would very likely die; I don’t have the money for sterilisation just now so I hoped he would understand. At first he said he wouldn’t mind waiting, but after a short while started complaining about our ”sexless” relationship, knowing full well he was making me feel guilty about something I could not change. Also, over the years he has repeatedly called me fat and disgusting, so that never helped my drive to go to bed with him.

    He would often refer to women as ”fanny” in front of me. He would discuss the porn he liked and celebrities he found attractive (sometimes days after having put me down about my appearance). We would have a beer together and I would become his drinking buddy, listening to stories of his sexual exploits and women he fancied. He would say he had got fat (he’s very skinny as he is a chain smoker) and I suspected he would do it to tease me about my own weight; he would buy me Diet Coke when I’d asked for Coke and stuff like that, and always, always denied any innuendo, aside from the times he was drunk and calling me a fat cow no one would ever want to f*ck. Also, he was aware I had issues about being slightly overweight as a teenager; he would use my weaknesses against me. Other times he would say I was attractive, that he liked curvy women etc, so I would go into my comfort zone again, just for him to strike days or weeks later with the same comments. It was maddening as I wanted to believe I wasn’t hideous (people around me always complimented me) so I kept excusing his words, but most of the time I felt horrible and worthless, unlovable. Recently he told me 5 years ago, when we came to my country to visit my family, women would look at him in the street as if to ask what the hell he was doing with me, as in he was good looking and I was so inferior. He appeared to mean it as a benevolent comment. He kept very unflattering pictures of me (we all get those at some point) ostentatiously, even though I’d asked him to delete them; he has probably shown them to others. He showed my emails to his son to turn him against me (I had made comments about my partner’s ex, his mother). Also, on a business forum we both found customers on, someone posted a cartoon of a fat woman who couldn’t find a puppy and had smothered it between her butt cheeks. He replied ”Is that a picture of my missus?”… Those people we were both working with knew we were together.

    He would give me things just to take them away as punishment. He set up a forum for me as I was interested in various issues to raise awareness about; when he’d get pissed of he would threaten to take it off-line. It needed improvements and he could never be bothered, so everyone who registered eventually left. Then he got it going again, a year and a half later, and I started looking for members. It worked for two weeks, then f*ked up again and he couldn’t be bothered working on it anymore so I was left looking like an idiot in front of those people. I’d put hundreds of hours into developing it. He also set up a blog for me and took it off-line various times as punishment for disagreeing with him.

    I could write all day about all the instances of mean, sick, manipulative, cruel behaviour. And like most manipulators, in his community he is very popular.

  78. Angela Fayard

    I’ve never been on anything like this but I need some advice.. I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years and we also grew up together. A couple months after we were together I stopped working(part of his idea). I started staying home being a housewife. In the beginning things were ok. Now, I’m called stupid all the time, he constantly down grades me, he tells me I will have nothing without him etc…. Please give me some advice….

  79. Alberto Sanchez

    well, my abusive father a chain smoker told me on one of my asthma attacks to take poison and die. ( I was only 8 or 9 years old)….. my father lives in Latin America and he had a stroke not long ago, he was recovering and feeling better and i said to him why dont you just take poison and die, he cried when i said that, I left him and did not help at all with his expenses at the hospital. to be honest i had closure on my own way.

  80. Anonymous

    one of the biggest red flags I have noticed is not wanting you close with his family. This went as far as telling me not to talk to them (I was very close with his family) and demanding I stop talking to them. If a person loves you and cares for you, he’ll want you close to and loved by (and vice versa) his loved ones. Isolating you is so key to their abuse!

  81. T

    Your a worthless bitch.
    You trashy whore.
    I hate you.
    If you would leave I would be happy.
    Your a fat ugly nothing.
    I despise all of you.
    You are the problem with me…All of you.
    I hate your face.
    You’re a stupid fucking wife.
    You’re just a dumb bitch.
    Why don’t you go and die.
    Shut the fuck up.
    It’s none of your fucking business.
    I don’t give a damn about you.
    I don’t care about you.
    Your sons are pussies.
    You’re just an old hag. (I’m 33)
    Why don’t you just leave me.
    I want a divorce. (because HE lied to me and I found out.)
    I have no respect for a useless nothing.
    You disgusts me.
    Your legs make me gag. (He knows I’m self conscious of my legs)
    No other man would ever even look at you.
    You’re nothing to me.
    I don’t love you (wait 30 min and he can’t live without me)
    Look at you, just look at you…pathetic whore
    You can’t do anything right.
    You’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen.
    Why do you pray? God doesn’t listen for retards.
    You are so fucking lazy. (I’m ocd…spotless house, 2 kids, dinner on the table, accountant, gym everyday, and the lead singer of a great local band.)
    No wonder your first husband left you for a man…I’m starting to understand him for it. (That one cuts me deep)
    I’m sleeping on the couch because your an idiot. (He died in a video game and I laughed because he threw his controller across the room)
    Don’t fucking touch me you whore.
    Just kill yourself already you know nobody wants you…I’m don’t want you.
    You’re just not worth it.
    Why don’t you get a “real” job.
    You’ll never be anything more than the big fat ugly useless nothing you are.

    Every. Single. Day.

    I laugh. I smile. I breathe. I run.

    My heart breaks. My soul stands firm.

    I am not defined by his words, cuts, or insults. He is sick. But I am not his savior or his doctor…I cannot save him from the dark abyss of his hate. So I must go…slowly, quietly, and in the night. I must go to save the “SOMETHING” that I truly am.

    1. Bravo, Bravo, you say it for us all, T!!!!

  82. Anonymous

    I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years with my boyfriend. Every time someone asks me if we are going to get married I say I don’t know. They say why. I Just say its because we are still so young (25). But truely it’s because sometimes he gets in these rages, calls me a cunt, bitch, regrets the last 5 years with me etc. Obviously I remember these words forever and it hurts me so much I can’t even begin to count how many times he has made me cry.

    But the next day he is so devastated and so sorry that he was so horrible. And then he cry’s. He doesn’t know why he says those things and doesn’t mean them and I’m the most amazing person etc.

    I’ve told him he breaking my soul. And he was so upset my that. He said If I keep doing this we have to end things before I break you. And I agreed. But when is it too much?

    But this only happens like, once a month maybe. The rest of the time he is awesome. And after an ‘episode’ he really trys hard to be nice.

    The only other thing is sometimes he will make comments and its kind of like a dig at me, “like i only have a few friends but they’re really good friends and care about me”….or “your salad isn’t nice because you don’t put any effort into anything”. It obviously brings my mood down.

    And then I bring this up with him and says I’m taking it out of context and he doesnt mean that about me and my life.

    He has even googled abusive relationships worried that he does that to me. I know he is a good person and genuine when he is sorry but it’s like he looses control sometimes and unfortunate im the one that takes all the verbal abuse.

    This is abuse right? I’m so confused. I love him and want to help him and he is amazing majority of the time. All our friends love him, my family too. But no one really knows about all this other stuff….

    He is thinking about getting help too…but will this help… is it really a big problem?

    Is the question i need to ask myself “is he worth it”? or am i just being stupid and need to get out?

    The other problem is i’m starting to be really hostile towards him sometimes when i remember everything he has done to me…

    1. C

      That sounds like a cycle – and abuse is a cycle – of ups and downs no matter how long the span of time between them. First thing he catches you off guard with an insult or outburst (or maybe you can predict it by now) and puts you into shock, brings your mood down and you can think of nothing else. Then he sees the damage he’s done to you and is afraid you will leave him, so he begs and pleads for you to forgive and stay and how sorry he is and that he wants to change – then does things to show you how hard he is trying to win your emotions back over to staying – only to be brought down again by an outburst. Most abusers are aware of what they are doing and why they are doing it – but they have a different sense of values than non abusive partners that is so deeply ingrained in them that it is next to impossible to solve especially since their behaviour gives them exactly what they want – control over you so that you will never leave them – a person they can have who they dont have to pretend theyre someone theyre not like they do to the rest of the world – which is why your family is never allowed to know. It’s a hard show for someone to put up a show of being pleasant and empathetic and kind when its not their natural self – which is why they take it out on you in private because they dont have to pretend with you. You believe he loses control – think about what this phrase means – loses control – implies that he is not ultimately responsible for his outbursts – which implies that it would be wrong to leave him in response to something he is not responsible for. Do you see how him saying he loses control makes it not his fault – and therefore you feel bad to simply leave a bad situation as a committed partner? The truth is – he IS responsible and he IS in control of himself and nothing you do can ever help him or change him because he is the only one responsible for his outbursts and rage and for the things that run out of his mouth – you have no control over him and anything you do to try and prevent his outbursts will simply be more control he has over you in your life as a couple. I hope this helps. You are not the impulsive or irrational one – you are even reflecting on your concerns before making a decision about them by being on this website – it is HIM that is being Impulsive, destructive and acting irrationally – but for a very rational reason – to control your behaviour for his own selfish needs.

  83. Depressed

    My Boyfriend of two years does nearly every single thing on that list yet still blames me for being the abusive one. He’s moved me miles out of my area and the abuse is just getting worse and worse. I don’t know what to do and too scared to stick up for myself. I’m already in court next month for ‘attacking’ him whilst it was all self defense. 🙁 I have had abusive partners in the past. Why does this keep happening to me??? And why am I always to blame??? Am I stupid or something???? Have I got abuse me written all over my forehead. I have so much built up anger inside of me now and I am too scared to express how I feel and tell him because It will all get twisted round on me and turned on me if I do like I have in the past and I will end up being in trouble because it’s his way of punishing me. I’m stuck and have no money, no job and no where to go and half of his friends think I’m the abuser. I am so confused. I feel as though I am abusive too. But If I don’t say the things I want to say, I get seriously depressed.

    1. Depressed, my suggestion is to read Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You. The twisting of words and making the victim feel like the abuser are addressed concisely in this book by Patricia Evans.

  84. Anonymous

    I have been living this nightmare for about five years. Now I am ready to graduate from nursing school and will be able to live on my own! He will never change, most people do not change unless they have a significant event in their life to “wake” them up. Verbal abuse is much worse than physical abuse in many ways. The negative comments haunt your mind day and night and there seems to be no escape. I have tried to talk to friends and family, but the truth is they really do not understand unless they have been through the same thing. I pray every day for God to give my abuser an “ahah” moment. Perhaps my experience will help me to help others. As a nurse I will come in contact with many people and their families. Maybe this is what God had in mind for my future, to help some one else who needs help. It is so easy to feel trapped in an abusive relationship. You really have to rely on your inner strength and the strength from God above. This is the only way to come out on the other side healthy. Keep focused on yourself and what you need to do improve YOUR life! Only we, ourselves have the power to change our lives, we cannot change someone else’s. The best advise I can give to others who are hurting is to pray every day, love yourself and find what makes you special from everyone else and get to work! We all are unique and were created for a special purpose. Find your passion and follow it! It will lead you to a whole new world and that person you loved who abused you will either follow or be left behind.

  85. Anonymous

    I was trying to figure out if I should return something that belongs to my ex. In my dilemma of trying to figure what the right thing to do is (do I return it because its the right thing to do or do I want to return it because I’m really missing him right now.) I searched for moral support online and strangely arrived on to this site. While the topic has little to nothing to do with my situation, reading it helped me remember why we have broken up continuously for the last 4 years. The anxiety of missing him instantly cleared. I’ll return his belongings because its morally the right thing to do, but thanks to this article that little part of me that was hoping for another chance with him is gone.

  86. Blue

    I was “raised” by parents who abused and neglected me. Once I became an adult, I kept myself independent at all costs, no matter how lonely or stressful life could become. So I’m surprised to find myself in an abusive live-in situation, so far into this game of life. He’d been a long-time friend, somewhat older, and respected in his profession – very little in the way of red flags, or so I thought. Now we’re a couple and have lived together for 20 months. I want out. The control and verbal swipes began a few months after I moved into his house. It’s been a chronic chipping away at my strength and self esteem. At first, it happened when he was stressed – but he is easily stressed. My support and responses are never good enough. I’m never good enough. Arguments follow and he inevitably apologizes in the aftermath. He’s apologized so many times. it’s become meaningless. Sometimes he rages and tells me to move out – immediately. Fortunately children aren’t involved.

    At this point, I’m repulsed by him. I have insomnia. It’s getting hard to see my way out of this situation, mostly because I’ve become broke and increasingly isolated. I’d been self employed and my work is on a downward spiral. He said that if I leave, I won’t make it on my own. What a damning statement. When someone is kicking your soul, good and ready solutions are difficult to see. If I could, I’d pack my bags and leave one day when he’s out of the house. Is this really me? How could I let this happen?

    1. Anonymous

      Leave ! You will make it on your own !

  87. JJ hey hey

    Oh lord! I swear I thought this was paranormal already! My situation that is! The gas lighting always seemed too vague of a definition but after reading this it definetly is this A hole weirdo! I cannot believe the sick pleasure they actuall derive from these types of behaviours towards (women) in my situation! I had power tools here and tool boxes for “single moms handy dandy house” and once he shows up here, everything is mysteriously “broken” or lost…..

    So, since colonel mustard DID NOT do it this time in any freaking room with jack sh…,
    It has been him!! Then the “poor me I’m a dumb ass” song and would have me feeling guilty for treating him like a retard! I swear if I was a man I would put this one to work on the block in some stilettos!! Good luck girls! They’re a piece of work ladies!!! I think dumb ass Adam shouldn’t have bitched out blaming Eve for him eating that crap!! Hahaha

  88. Anonymous

    You’re making out like it’s only men who treat their partners this way which isn’t true!

    1. I don’t believe anyone is “making it out to be” that only men treat their partners this way. It is only true that women openly discuss this foul treatment more often than men. It would be valuable if you added to the list the things your female abuser does and says.

    2. T

      I agree that this is a focused discussion on abuse coming “from” men…But statistically men are more abusive than women, maybe because men lack the confidence to come forward. I think the stigma that a man would look weak if he admitted he was abused by a women is what keeps them from coming forward. My sister abuses her husband and openly, in front of anyone! I can’t imagine what he endures at home…But if you ask him about it he says he’s fine and it’s just “the way she is”. If men do come on here, than I agree, it would be helpful if you expressed your experience with abuse from women. I live in an abusive relationship with my husband, so my experience is based on that…Not ignoring or belittling the fact that there are men who are abused as well. If you are being abused, and you are a man, please share.

  89. Molly

    Boyfriend calls me a cunt, dickhead and idiot. Calls me fat and tells me he should be able to be honest with me. Stays out all night and lies and where he has been. Makes himself look good in front of others. Starts being lovely and then switches like Jeckyl and Hide.

  90. Anonymous

    my ex boyfriend is a drug addict, we had a very messy break up a few months ago. It still doesnt feel like its over. I had to leave him not because i wanted to or didn’t love him but the situation was getting out of hand. He was using the threat of other women to trap me in the relationship and this hurt me a tremendous amount. I had to break up with him via email as he was withdrawing at his mothers house out of the city we live in. He wrote me a very abusive email back with no swear words. Then apologized. I accepted the apology bc i wanted things to be ok. i.e. not abusive and maybe create a base to meet in person to speak about everything this was a few months ago. we were in contact 2 weeks ago about potentially meeting this week, he never got back in touch to meet, then texted me at like 2 am on wednesday with a slack apology not asking to meet again, but asking to chat on the phone. He tried calling me last night but i was out so i didn’t answer or message to say why. at 4 am he sends me a horrible message saying: Hoax. you were the last Cunt to extricate. This is abuse right? No one has ever sworn at me in this way. It makes me want to call him to fix it to arrange to meet. But its the wrong way to get someones attention. Why do it through abusive means? Its like he had to destroy everything so there isn’t a chance for it to get better.

  91. kris

    i’m in a positon now that i cannot handle. Yesterday after we broke up i went round to his house to pick up a few things (he is analcoholic abuser) i have an interview on Tuesday and needed a few things to keep me going. Anyway he was phoning me all the time i was walking to his address, when i got there the door was locked – i knocked and also knocked on the window to no avail. Then i noticed him standing there, i asked him to let me into the house this he did. When i got in there i went and got what i needed, make up, deodorant – then he started going on about that it was what i needed for going for out – along with a few expletives.
    i was just getting some of my belongings including my medication that i need to take every day – he started calling me names, dirt bag, whore, slut, slag, swet, need i go on !
    He was right in my face as he always is when he’s drunk i had a tin of deodorant in my hand and with full force smacked him in the face with it – i wasnt bothered not at all – went upstairs and was getting a few smalls when he came into the bedroom saying that i had raised my hand once to often and he wouldnt take it again, he grabbed my head and then my throat and pushed my head against the wall (i saw stars believe me) my head was really sore and it took a few minutes for me to come round – then i ran downstairs and out of the front door, i yelled at him that this was the last time and that i was phoning the police – he started to be nice then. I ignored him – the fact is i took a beating off him on the Thursday and i even retaliated which i know is not the way to go – but when emotional, financial, mental, and now physical abuse takes hold as it had for the past 12 months – it was the only way.

    I am at present at my dads – how he can let me stay is beyond me because he drove me away from the people that i love – how low !

    The police arrested him and he would have been locked up (ive been through this 3 times now) and im dreading the police phoning me – as i think that he will counter claim saying that i was abusive – i was just protecting myself – i need help on this !


    1. Kris, it is natural to defend yourself against physical violence. Whatever you did in defense during the incident on Thursday is understandable. I suggest that you go see the doctor even if you have no bruising or cuts. The bang on the head should be checked out. During your doctor visit, admit that your injuries came from a domestic violence attack.

      Any abuser can submit a complaint saying the victim abused them. There’s nothing to stop them from doing that. However, it isn’t for you to worry about what your ex does – it is time to protect yourself! Go to the doctor, then go to any local domestic violence help agency and begin working their program. Showing that you are taking care of yourself after a domestic assault will go a long way toward preventing any counter claim from gaining a foothold.

  92. kris

    thank you holly it means a lot – just really need to step up and try to get my friends and family back

  93. kris

    why is that i’m sat alone in my dads house – no-one believes me that i have left him AND to add insult to shame he got off with what he did yesterday and he’s sitting in his house with loads of booze and i’ve got jack – i feel like ending it – you cant imagine how i’m feeling !!!!!!

  94. cafemuze

    I’ve been reading these posts and visiting other domestic violence websites, and they’ve been really helpful. I’ve finally been able to stop taking the blame, stop trying to fix him or fix the problem, and I’m starting to believe in my worth! My soul refuses to accept the lies and abuse from him any more, thank God! But I need a solution for getting out. The abusive POT boyfriend and I have been together about 9 years. He lives in my house. I own it, deed’s in my name, etc. I am not pyhsically able to remove him from my home. I have no male friends who can help me, my dad is elderly, I have no one really. The only way he says he’ll leave is if I call the police. He’s tall 6’4, big, strong, and when he’s drinking, he becomes really violent. He’s slapped me, pushed me, slammed me against the headboard on my bed, put his hands around my throat, kicked me, spit on me, smashed my phone. The police can not be involved, they would probably put both of us in jail. My last straw was yesterday when he was the most physically violent he’s ever been to me. Without going into details, it was the most horrific 24 hours of my life with him, and I’m afraid for the next time. I don’t want to leave my own home, but I’m afraid that’s the only way I’ll be able to get away from him. My only concern is my two cats. I don’t want to leave them for fear of what he may do to them. Should I continue to try to give him ultimatums to leave or just leave myself? Please I need help!

    1. Contact the court magistrate and see what needs to be done for THEM to remove him. You can always get a restraining order, or it could be called something like an “ex parte” order since you’ve been together for so long (like a marriage).

      The police CAN be involved. If you’re concerned about them arresting you both, then do NOT wait until your boyfriend “acts up” again. Go to the courthouse or the police department and see how you can get the ball rolling on removing him from your home.

      DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU’RE DOING! Do not give him any more ultimatums you do not intend to keep. Leave the house at the first sign of violence. Do what you need to do to be safe.

  95. Karla Morales

    After reading alot of these stories, I realize now that I am truly verbally abused. “Stupid cunt” “fat idiot” ” ugly immigrant” “hope you die” “no one wants you” have all been used on me. It’s so depressing that the father of my children should treat me this way. I am a strong woman but it saddens me that my children witness this. We deserve so much better. Ugh. How will we ever get out of this? ?? I hate him!!!!!

  96. sue smith

    I am shocked at all the different stories. My spouse would verbally put me down, call me names if I did things wrong, call my family to tell them how bad I am everything I did wrong. he resented that I helped reverse our autistic son didn’t want me to help him leave him to be severe. He wants to be the one to fix him. he lied about income to me, micromanaged me like a child. put me down verbally till I would get angry till I would react in physical way against him so he would call police on me 12 hrs after the fact put me in jail. leave me homeless, take kids away from me making false allegations, telling judge to give me 0 support after 2yrs, paying 100,000 to fight me in court always lied to me saying we had no money when he lied about income making really 30,000 a month. put down people he worked with
    saying secretaries are nothing and all people with low income paying jobs are nothing. he is a jekyl and hyde personality. he puts our older son down like this also but he stands there taking it all he even threw him out of the house.
    he is teaching our autistic son to be like this.so worried for him age 9 our older son 19 which his father still wont let him learn how to drive and our son upset his father controlling him on this and everything and everyone else around him.

  97. I am in a relationship that is slowly killing me, we have been together 14 years. Drugs are a problem, he has had two relapses during our relationship. the first one was 7 years ago and lasted a little over a year. The current relapse has been going on for almost 3 years. During both he abused me. He cheats and does everything described in this article. He has also been physically abusive at times. We had to move out of our home because we couldn’t keep up with the bills (he lost his job due to drug usage) and now we live with his mother. I am trapped, I have no family, no friends, I do not have a vehicle and i’m not working because I have a back injury. My license is also suspended because of a unpaid traffic ticket. We live in a area that is not near public transport. He also has no license but still drives, he has two vehicles and also access to his moms car if needed. However he won’t take me anywhere or allow me to use any of the 3 vehicles here because of my license. But it’s okay that he drives? If I ask him to take me to the doctor, he flakes on me. If I ask him to take me to the store he gets angry and 90% of the time won’t take me. I don’t know what to do, I feel helpless. I know I need to leave but where do I go and how will I get there? I am severly depressed and often think of suicide. I just feel so alone and don’t know what to do. Please help me.

  98. Tor

    Thanks for this list. I was surprised by how many things I could “check off.” Whenever I talk to him though, I am often convinced that I am the crazy one…and that I am “just playing the victim” as he would say. In the past he’s even broken into my internet accounts and emailed my schools that I would not be attending the grad program to “get revenge” on me. My friends have made me go to the police for various things in the past but I never filled out a report because the police actually decide if they will press charges, not me. I don’t want to ruin his career. I guess it was also fear that he would then retaliate or hate me.

    Besides all the physical and emotional abuse, he left me recently…but wouldn’t mind keeping me around for ***. I find that repulsive but I don’t know if I would refuse…or if I have the self respect to do so…do abusers always come back?

    1. No, they do not always come back, Tor. Thank goodness. If he leaves you, stay strong to work through the heart break. Remember times where you did so and resolve to work through it again. Bring in some supportive friends, go to a domestic violence group or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.

  99. Anonymous

    Tonight during a discussion my husband was being sarcastic and closed off to what I felt was my own valid point. I told him I was not going to continue the discussion (after he said “you’re losing the battle, not winning this, etc), I told him I was done because he was being sarcastic and he told me to go f*ck myself. I told him not to talk to me that way, I was his wife, and he said, I’ll say whatever I want to, it’s my house. I said don’t you have any respect for me, to talk to me that way? And he said not when it comes to this (the discussion, which we were clearly divided on). I went to bed (we already sleep in seperate rooms) after putting our child to bed and locked my door.

  100. rosan Hawkins

    thank you for the site and other peoples stories. Have tried to shut out the knowledge that I am in a long term relationship with a man who is abusive emotionally and has been physically abusive in the past. We have been together some years now as roomates, without intimacy, or affection on his part. Tells me that he can not love me, but yet talks as if we will always be together, expects to be catered to, and cared for.. with me hoping he will decide he loves me and become affectionate and stable. . if I can just do things right. Have gone into major debt buying things for him, because “we are going to build a life together”. It’s never enough though, never any contentment, I can’t do anything right. He’s never happy. Somehow, for me there is a feeling of companionship and warmth when he talks and laughs with me, but that can quickly change, he has real mood swings, can go from friendly and warm to rage, with any failure on my part; whether it’s not completing his errands, or not doing everything his way, or he doesn’t like my “attitude” or look.. Tells me to “shut up”, that my feelings don’t matter at all. When he’s angry, calls me really horrible names and threatens to throw me out, or tells me to get out.. tells me he doesn’t care what happens to me. Yet the next day expects warmth and everything to be fine, just wait on him as if nothing happened. Lately has begun to threaten physical violence with the nasty name calling, threatening to gouge out my eyes, or burn me with his cigarettes. He can turn around and be so nice, talk to me, talk about the future, lulls me into thinking he really does care, but never says so…feel trapped.

  101. anon

    I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. My husband suffers from GAD and possibly OCD. He has always had a short temper with me, but seems nice as pie to everyone else. The are certain triggers, noise, strong smell (perfume, smoke or food), mess… Earlier this year he was finally diagnosed with the above and put on medication.. I was amazed, the man who was awesome 10% of the time and pissed off 90% of the time did a compete 180 turn.

    We were so happy for those few months, laughing every day instead of fighting, joking, feeling equal, loved, wanted, desired… He r really was the “dream husband”. For the first time in 10 years, he bought me a gift (a pair of earrings) which were worth a lot.. And it’s not that I care about getting gifts like that, it’s the fact he believed I was worth it.. It brought me to tears.

    He didn’t care about anything other than spending time with me, and our kids. He didn’t care if this meant that somr house chores weren’t getting done, so long as we were spending time together.. (” You can do it whilst I’m at work”).

    It was during this time we decided to have another child.. I felt so strong and supported, like my best friend was there for me 24/7 and I felt so proud to be his wife.

    Then he got sick and we couldn’t figure out what was causing it, doctors couldn’t. After several visits to docs, he decided to stop the pills to see if he would get better.. Always saying he would start on a lower dose gradually… And then he went through withdrawal, fever, paranoia for a few days.. And then he was convinced he never needed the pills to begin with.. He’s “not a drug addict”.. Over a week or so he became more and more of what he used to be… It was like he’d woken from a deep slumber and all of a sudden every little mess in the house was setting him off.. Every time he attacks me with words and lectures me like I child, and I try t to talk, he tells me to shut up. Repeatedly, in front of our kids. Yelling at me, calling me a bitch, grabbing me by the hair when I try to walk away because he was shouting at me at the top of his voice… Then he tells me it’s my fault because I was being very disrespectful by walking away when he is trying to ” talk ” to me.

    If I try to talk back so it is a conversion rather than an attack or a lecture, he tells me I’m being a gobby bitch and I need to shut up.

    I don’t know anymore if he is right.. Maybe I do deserve it all? He says I need to stop playing the victim, he is the victim because he works all the time and spends money on the house and i disrespect him… I do so much for him though.. I mean he won’t even get himself a glass of water, he’ll ask me, even if I’m asleep. The thing that upsets me the most is that I fell pregnant just before he stopped the pills, and he keeps telling me I’ve changed, not him, is pregnancy hormones. I have been feeling so tired and nauseous, and he calls me lazy and tells me to get off my ass.. I wake up in the night if one of our kids wake up, to look after them, and often they wake me very early in the morning (5ish) and by 8 I am worn out, but he expects me to stay up until 1 with him..

    I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, just 2 months ago, I would have spoken to him, he would have comforted me and told me not to worry, it will all get sorted out.. Now who do I go to?

  102. sparkle

    So glad to have found this site! Here’s my story. My partner had been my best friend for 10 years before we became a couple. I always knew he was moody, but I never realized how bad it was. He has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He is also on anti-depressants and is paranoid, anti-social, ADD, and has many anxieties. We are awaiting a psychiatrist’s evaluation because he realizes how EVERYTHING and EVERYONE seems to bother him; everything is such a big deal. He will talk to someone and then worry he has to acknowledge them everytime he sees them.

    He usually does not like to go anywhere without me. He does not feel comfortable around most people.

    He overeats all the time. He has asked me to tell him when he falls off the track. When I do, he gets mad and says he is intelligent enough to realize what he is doing and he does not need me to tell him. Well, he lost 35 lbs. by listening to me!

    He is the most generous, kindest human being I know. He has helped me so much. He has given me a home and I never have to worry about money. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I am always trying to please him. I am constantly walking on eggshells around him,. Sometimes, the way I respond to something, or even a look, can set him off for hours. Then, he blames all this behaviour on ME. Lately, he says his blow-ups are all my fault.

    I am 60 years old and retired, I am tired of being treated like a child/idiot. He says I should not listen to most of what he is saying, even when he rants and raves. He says it doesn’t mean anything. Even though I know that, it still ruins my day. If I leave and take a time-out for a few hours, he becomes even more furious because he says I have left when he needs me the most. He says I should know he is sick, he is hurting, and suffering. It is hard to remember that when he is verbally attacking me.

    He has not met my son. It is five years now that we are together., I was only allowed to actually give him my address just a few weeks ago. I am now allowed to have him come over for a meal, but my partner will not be here, as he is not ready to meet him just yet.

    He has told me that if I were to tell him about being with someone like him, he would tell me to get the hell away! But, since it is him, it is different. I love him but I also hate him. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Sometimes, I wish HE was dead. Sometimes, I feel like I am in prison.

    These are some of the things he says to me:

    Don’t tear your food. Stop nodding your head; only morons do that. I hate driving with you. You drive too fast. You drive too slow…hahaha, you get all the red lights. Don’t preheat the oven. Stop changing your clothes everyday, you will wear them out and turn them into garbage. You fall asleep too early; you are getting old. He opens my mail for me. He yells when I forget something, but it is okay for him to forget.

    I am not allowed to vacuum without asking him, or put the dishwasher on without permission. I am not allowed to use the washing machine. My hair always has to be up and he likes me to wear glasses most of the time. Toilet seat in the bathroom must always be down or he gets mad (but he forgets all the time). He often calls me to come into the other room when I am in the middle of doing the dishes or putting away laundry. He says nothing is more important than him. Whatever I am doing doesn’t matter.

    I am not allowed on Facebook (he made me close my old account). Says I talk to everyone (I am just polite and say hi to the people I see often. Today, I waved at someone and he got upset because he said that person should have waved first).

    Thank-you for listening.

  103. JS

    I have been married for 33 years. The first few years of our marriage my husband was very verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I kept asking myself why I did not leave then but all I can say is that I was 20 years old, 500 miles from my parents and alone except for him as he was in the Army. When we moved back around our families I should have left then but I had 2 children and no money. I have sense gotten my nursing license and now make more than my husband. He has really slowed down on the abuse and it is essentially verbal abuse. He will drink and then say things to me like ” I can replace you just like that”, “you bi___!”, “you are nothing”, “you are so stupid”, “that girl at the bar was really sexy and was all over me so I can get any girl I want”, I do not need you”. He also says things like “I think it would be better if we just call it quits”. I know he says these things to hurt me and usually he says these things because I have refused to have sex with him. He always wants to have sex when he is drunk and it repulses me.
    I have thought about divorce several times but he can also be the most kind and gentle man I know. Just when I think I have had enough he does a turn around and is fine for several months and then it starts in again. He works 2nd shift now so we do not see each other much which helps. I still cringe at times when he walks in the door and has been drinking and I know what it coming. Sometimes he just goes to sleep and other times he starts in and can keep me up half the night. If he was physically abusive I would leave him in a heartbeat but it is very hard as some of you know to leave when it is only name calling and yelling even though the words are hurtful. Our kids are grown up and it is just the two of us. I feel guilty that I stayed as he was abusive towards are kids also. He is very good with the grandkids and have never yelled at them once.

  104. Mary Person

    I too am dealing with depression, as a result of my husband isolating me from my family. He has arranged our finances in such a manner, that I have no access to money. I am allowed a credit card, but then he questions every nickel I spend.

    When I ask/tell him that I would like to go back to my hometown to visit family, he becomes irritable and argumentative. My parents are in their mid 80’s and I see them approximately twice a year. I live a 4-5 hour airline flight away from them.

    I have no college background. I have a neurological disease and am now disabled. I am extremely close to retirement age and know I can not financially support myself. I view myself as unemployed and unemployable. I quit attending college and ended my employment, because he told me that my child (from a previous abusive marriage) needed me more than I needed college or employment. Now I live isolated in this house and my every thought or plan is expected to be centered around him. My entire day is always about his dinner and making sure his house is meticulous. I met and briefly had one friend, until he accused her and I of plotting a divorce. Homelessness simply is a worse option than my current status.

    I am not in any physical danger, but the mental/psychological, verbal and emotional abuse is an issue.

    Options are great; however, I’m pretty sure all women in this category feel as though we have none. If there are realistic “do-able” options, we need to know what they are.

    1. Start with a plan to find your do-able options. Scroll down the following page to download a safety plan: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/

  105. I am still working up the courage to leave. He insults me, criticizes me, blames me, talks to me like I’m stupid, blocks all attempts at conversation by not listening to me or telling me to be quiet, tells me to shut up. He calls me retarded and insinuates that I’m dumb on a regular basis. He doesn’t let me speak. when I try to tell a story to someone infront of him he will cut in and talk over me to tell it himself, even if it’s something that I personally experienced. If someone asks me a question he answers for me. he wakes me up when I’m sleeping for no reason. he physically abuses me in very subtle ways–not hard enough to come across as “serious” abuse to the untrained eye like a blatant beating and never hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for me to know that it’s more than playful or that there’s nothing innocent about it and that it’s highly wrong, even if i have no marks to prove it. he’s kicked and slapped me, shoved me aside for being “in his way” blocked me from leaving, holds me and squeezes me until I complain that I can’t breathe, choked me briefly, threatens me (to cheat if a don’t give him sex, to smash my car windows if I try to leave) drives erratically to scare me, mocks me when i tell him his behaviour is bothering me, has called me his property, says he’s “allowed” to touch me even when I don’t want him to, has told me that he touches me sexually when I’m asleep, isolates me from my friends, gets mad when I try to hang out with them, called them sluts, dumb girls and called me a dumb girl for having a friend over to our house ONCE (I never have since), tries to turn me against my family, insults them, is miserable whenever we have to go to my family gatherings for holidays and complains about absolutely everything, expects me to pick up after him and tries to manipulate me to do so as well as to cook for him, gets mad at what clothing i wear, calls me a slut if i wear a skirt or tights in public or even if I wear lacy bras and underwear outside the house when he’s not around, doesn’t like me going places alone (has said that stupid girls think it’s ok for them to wear dresses and boots in public without their bfs) gets mad if i wear high heels, gets mad when I’m on my phone (has slapped my leg hard for being on it and taken it out of my hands and tossed it on the couch and told me to get off the phone when i was talking to mom), destroyed and ruined many of my things, accuses me of cheating, gets mad if i don’t text him or answer his calls and texts fast enough, demands to know what I’m doing, gets mad if i want to eat healthy or want to eat something different than what he wants and refuses to each eat different meals, says we have to eat the same, insinuates that i’m fat (I am far from it) guilts me out of doing anything for myself (eating healthy, going to the gym, reading etc) uses his dog to guilt and manipulate me into doing what he wants rather than what i want (saying he wishes the dog woudnt be alone all day and needs to be walked so that instead of going out and doing something i want to do i feel guilty and have to stay home with the dog) he has different rules for us-he can stay out and have drinks with his buddy but i have to come straight home after work or i will face anger and the cold shoulder and guilt for not being home for the dog, uses me for my good credit, doesnt care what i want in life, expects me to follow him and his job and forget about me and my goals, he has flirted with many other women and crossed the line with one that i know of (no physical cheating but emotional), believes women are property to be owned and controlled, has told me i have no right to speak in this relationship because i don’t pay the rent, and so on. I am miserable. i am with a man who represents everything i despise and feel hopeless about leaving.

  106. beautifully broken

    i’m glad i found this page so i could vent to people who are going thru the same! this is a lengthy one, but i have noone to talk to, noone to confide in about what i have been going thru, i can’t tell my family because they won’t understand why i stay. 2 years…i’ve been called more names than i can count! it started with alot of yelling, i hate you get out of my life. to name calling then physical and destroying some of my things; everytime i see a talk escalating i know shortly to follow are rage and insults! he doesn’t admit he has problem and when i bring i try and bring it to his attention, its MY insecurities, MY drama, MY selfish ways, nasty attitude and ways, baggage, issues; i’ve had drinks poured on me & he didn’t let me shower before work; he has passcodes on his phone & computer but i’m the sneaky grimey one; we have 1 car & when he’s having a case of the ass he stays out all night on purpose and tells me WHY SHOULD I COME HOME TO A NASTY WOMAN WHO DOESN’T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND LIKE? he tells me do my JOB as a woman and how he’s not pleased, i’m not pleasing him sexually because i don’t like dressing in lingerie and effin heels! he has kept me up til the sun came up arguing about what he’s not getting in the bedroom from me, saying how i should want to please my man. he started an arguement with me while his mother was here about some dam macaroni and went into a rage, pushing me and telling me how i was disrespecting his mother; all i could do is cry hysterically and my jaw dropped! he slapped me in the face when i asked him why he was asking his baby mama what she was cooking because i didn’t think it was appropriate of him to ask, especially with the bad history he says they have; how they managed to have a child is beyond me! but seems like they’re on civil terms all of a sudden & i told him how i felt about him asking her that & even used the example of what if i talked to my baby daddy who i can’t stand like that; of course he had no answer, why? because i shouldn’t have gone thru his phone! meanwhile my life is an open book to him because i have nothing to hide and i’ve told him that, but i’m the sneaky one! we got into a fight about an ex of his that was causing problems (because i know of her) & he told me it was my fault & was causing the problems; i should’ve seen ALL the red flags from the start but like a dumbass i ignored them, ALL of them! everytime i mention i want a car he changes the subject; before him i had my own business and was very independent, im too old for this BS! he’s told me i haven’t changed, i’m set in my ways and he’s paying for what other guys did to me (yea right), tells me he’s trying to teach me and i get an attitude. (teach me what i don’t know). i was very active and loved to exercise and he took that joy away from me! i feel very ugly to him now and all he does is put me down more and more, he doesn’t see ANYTHING of what he has done to hurt me and ignores me when i tell him; he says HE’S the unhappy one and has been, he’s told me he hated me several times and how he wants me out of his life, he can’t take it anymore; he has hacked into my facebook and saw convos i had with my girlfriends, telling me that all they do is laugh behind my back and how stupid i look to them but got mad because i was talking about him behind his back like he was a dog & i was a liar; no everything i have gone through i did NOT make up nor did i do it to myself! funny thing is he is always telling me to go find somebody else to do this shit to, but, this didn’t start with me; he was abusive to several girlfriends before ever meeting me so he has a problem, he has a history but is in serious SERIOUS denial about it! he tells me i don’t know how to communicate, how do you communicate with someone who yells at you and doesn’t put themselves in your shoes? i’ve told him i can’t communicate with him because he NEVER listens, he only hears himself! he talks down to me like i’m his 9year old son and i’ve told him I’M NOT HIS CHILD DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE HE TALKS TO HIS KID. I AM A GROWN UP AND YOU TALK TO ME, NOT AT ME. he will never change. i have left him 5 times and everytime i come back, it isn’t long before he loses it! he also accused me of hanging out when i’ve gone to visit my family out of town & has told me not to come back, stay where i’m at; i’ve missed my grandbabys first christmas & birthday because of him, when my family only lived 1 1/2 hrs away because i had mentioned that my grandfather was prejudice; i told him not to worry about that but it was just another sorry excuse of his! the first time i left him was in oct 2013 after a huge fight we had, the first time he told me he hated me; i called my mom & she came and picked me up (i had no car and still don’t!) but his whole demeanor changed and he was BEGGING my mom to get me to stay because he loved me & would do anything, even die for me; he’s told me he gave up for his life for me but blames me for not being able to enjoy his hobby of dj-ing like he used to because of my jealousy; he’s never given me any reason to accuse him of cheating and i never have, even after i found a wine glass with lipstick on it (that was before we were serious, before i moved in) but he’s never stepped outside of the relationship; i don’t mind if goes shoots pool or hangs out at his guy friends house, he has always been honest about where he goes but a few months ago he said that the reason guys cheat is because they don’t get satisfied at home, not realizing satisfaction goes BOTH ways! and i’m not talking only sex! he’s said i don’t like for him to tell me how to exercise correctly (he does not have any certs in fitness), he tells me that me wanting to pay for my own zumba classes is a waste of money-meanwhile i don’t say $**t when he’s wasting money on beer or cigars! anything healthy for myself, he puts me down; anything i do for myself, if its not for him, he puts down. when i left him before it was because i was so tired of being told GTFO of my house and go back to your grandmothers or go live with your daughter and play mommy to your grandson; not that it makes a difference but i am 10 years older than him & have 2 grown kids. he says i don’t care about his feelings and i’ve messed things up for “our” family; i was in the process of leaving for a last time when he found a house to rent and asked me for information and tells me he is putting my name on the rental app (all the bills are in his name but i do help with all the living expenses both in and out the house) he has also put down jobs that i have tried to keep & insisted that i get a work from home job like him because it would work out for us in the long run since we only have 1 car to use; even though we may have argued, i have still made his coffee,cooked for him & washed his dam clothes; he’s washed my clothes and thrown them at me, when he’s on his powertrip, he will cook only for himself & just completely ignores me. we got into a fight new years eve, he left and i was at home alone. he says i can’t be talked to, and i don’t want to hear anything thats “wrong” with me and thats why nothing worked out with my past relationships (blaming me), he was never even around! he uses my past in our arguements…..maybe i should just leave and not tell him, instead of always threatening that i will leave. i would love to see the look on his face if he left and came home and all my stuff was gone.
    **thanks for reading

  107. Brim

    Beautifully Broken,
    I can fully relate to everything you have said here. I to am married to a younger man…9 years younger. We just celebrated our 3rd year wedding anniversary and I can’t believe I’ve stayed as long as I have! Like you, I was independent, had a career, and have two children…they are only 11 and 9. Before I met him I hiked, went to the gym daily, visited museums, went to the opera, had monthly massages and beauty appointments. Before him I was human.
    After all of the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse I to feel like I am drowning and can’t catch my breath. About a year ago I started seeing a therapist without his knowledge. I knew I had to do something to keep my sanity. Over the past 6 months my life has looked different. I started practicing detachment. I read more books about how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder, and abusive angry spouses, than I would like to admit. But I have been able to pull my heart and soul out of the abuse.
    You are not crazy, you are not any of the things he is trying to tell you that you are. He is trying to keep you in a cycle of crazy so he can have power over you. He doesn’t like you to get healthy because he knows that would give you confidence and self esteem and to a person with narcissistic traits, like your husband, that is damaging to his plan. You are his supply… You are how he feeds his own feelings of control. To let you be independent would not be to his advantage, he has to have the upper hand on you because his greatest fear is losing his supply.
    About 6 months ago I stopped arguing. I just sit there and say things like “that’s an interesting point of view” or “I’ll think about that” or “you could be right”. (Which means you could just as easily be wrong but he only hears what he wants to.)
    I started setting boundaries. One day he slapped me for no reason at all. I was sitting next to him on the couch and we were talking and laughing….I don’t even remember the silly comment I made but he just slapped me right in the face. I was flabbergasted!!! I couldn’t even speak! That made me realize that there is not a single thing that I could ever say or do to make him happy or keep him happy. He is unhappy within himself. What he does is project his own feelings of shame and inadequacy onto me. Once I realized this was what was happening and that I have become a co-dependant I started researching things I could do. There is not a single thing that you can do to change him… Only yourself.
    I started practicing self care. Self preservation. Like me, I’ll bet you know most of his triggers and you can tell whether or not it’s going to be a day in hell or a day in prison… there aren’t too many good days in between. If you recognize those things just steer clear of them because to bring them up, or interact is certain death to you.
    I started imagining him as a little child…a mere baby. I just think of a toddler, I shrink him down in my mind while he is crushing my soul with his words and just let them fall away. I imagine a shield around me that cannot be penetrated. This has taken me months and months to do and I still don’t have it down to an art yet and I still get hurt. But with each battle I arm myself better and better. I set boundaries with him…if he’s calling me horrible names I say to him calmly and politely “if you call me names again I am leaving the house until you have cooled off.” And I do it!!! Remember, the last thing your guy wants is to lose his supply… You. So follow through on your word. It’s not easy, but it’s effective. If he starts to put me down, insult my intellectual being I tell him to “hold that thought I need to use the restroom.” I wait it out for 5 or ten minutes, do breathing exercises to calm myself down and get myself in a better place before I return. By the time I do he’s already on to something else!!!
    Never, ever expect an apology. It will not happen, he cannot put himself in your shoes, he cannot see how he has hurt you. If you expect it you will forever be disappointed. I stopped expecting it. I know now that just being able to avoid his wrath is an accomplishment and that’s enough for now.
    I’m saying all of this because there is hope. Not that your guy will change, or that you will actually leave him…because I know as a Co dependent that’s the hardest thing to do…I will not say go unless your life is in danger…because that is your choice to make.
    But you must arm yourself. Do not threaten if you do not intend to follow through, that only diminishes your own self respect, and it teaches him that you cannot be respected.
    Be strong, study, read, if you can’t go to the gym (my husband accuses me of cheating no matter where I go) go on long walks, or start jogging and doing body training using your own body weight. It’s still a long road I have, but I now have a plan, a strategy, and a way to keep myself armed with defenses. That gives me my power back. And when the time comes I will be prepared to walk away in a safe, healthy way. Please know I’m thinking of you, you are not alone, and you can make things different for yourself! Much love.

    1. beautifully broken

      i swear you read my “book” (life)!
      its not only the name calling, he has gotten physical, to the point that he has grabbed my arms and left bruises, poked at me so hard in the shoulder when yelling at me and left bruises; even grabbed one of my boobs one time so hard (OMG THE PAIN)…i’ve showed this to him so he can see what he does to me, and all he says it WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING ME; i tell him this is how you HURT me. it doesn’t phase him! its crazy its as if he is 2 entirely different people sometimes! i did learn recently, however that his father was abusive towards his mother and she left him; she told me herself! and she was here to witness her own son doing one of his tantrums, all because i did not divide the macaroni like HE said; something so petty that he could have just as easily taken care of himself, but no; he had to start an arguement over it! he disrupts me at home when i’m trying to work, storming into my home office to yell at me over stupid $h!t; when i tell him HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR ME WHILE I’M WORKING, that pisses him off even more! meanwhile i knock before i enter his home office and a few times i have came in to yell at him, but he will yell back CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WORKING. i actually ask him to use the car and when its on E after he drives all the gas out of it, i put gas in it. one time i didn’t and he texted me to say DID YOU NOT SEE THE TANK WAS ON E? i answered back with WASN’T IT LIKE THAT WHEN YOU GOT HOME THIS MORNING. the last arguement was over him not finding his wallet and he went into this rage how i don’t have his back on anything, i’m never there for him and how much i hurt him (smh). i took time out from work for a few minutes to help him look for it (like a dumbass) and started asking him where was the last place he saw it, did he call the restaurant and ask, did he check in the car real good or his pants pockets. finally i gave up because he started throwing things in the house, like the car keys and yelling how his life was f**ked up…he also said how he didn’t want me in his life and life is too short to be unhappy (i’ve heard that for the past 2 years), and how it was funny his wallet was in the dirty clothes because he never put it there. (sounds like i’m accused to me).
      i hadn’t worked enough for the past 2 years and Christmas was just so dam depressing! but this year i managed to score a very decent job that had so much overtime before the holidays, so i started raking it in, working almost 60 hours a week! the money was excellent and i made a few bonuses so i figured i’d give him the most amazing birthday present & Christmas this year. but even that got to be a problem because he said we weren’t spending any time together, doing things couples do; hell we weren’t doing much even when i wasn’t working because he would complain how funds were low or how i didn’t give much input as to what i wanted to do to have fun (yea, it was all my fault!) truth is, he is NO fun! he ALWAYS wants to play games and asks me WANNA PLAY A GAME SO I CAN TEAR THAT ASS UP…he always wants to try and play a game when i tell him i’m tired and going to bed, he gets an attitude and says YOU NEVER WANT TO PLAY ANYTHING & YOU’RE ALWAYS TIRED-GUESS I’LL STAY UP BY MY DAM SELF; and this is at 1,2 am! i am NOT a nightowl and we have gotten into fights about that!!! i have NEVER fought with someone about my sleep schedule until i got with this man! i’ve told him I LIKE MY SLEEP AND I’M SORRY BUT I DON’T LIKE TO STAY UP TIL 4,5 EVERY MORNING LIKE YOU TO SLEEP TIL 1,2 PM-I GET NOTHING DONE THAT WAY! anyways back to my holiday story; we had gotten into a fight right before he found a house to move into and he told me again, he wanted out, he couldn’t take my attitude anymore or me giving my @ss for him to kiss (imagine that), so i started making plans; then came the insults, how i’m ungrateful and selfish and don’t care about anyone else’s feelings EXCEPT my own, how my other relationships NEVER worked because of the way “I” am (as if he was there for any of them!), how i don’t want to grow as a person and stuck in my ways, along with the name-calling; meanwhile all the overtime i was putting in was going towards surprising him for his birthday by flying his mom in from new york, buying him a new phone and giving him a memorable birthday and christmas! so, to prove how SELFISH i was i emailed him the intinerary of his mother’s flight info; of course, i’m the one who ruined the surprise; i also had a special cake made for him (paid $75) and gave him a pretty dam good christmas, UNGRATEFUL SELFISH A-HOLE! even bought his mother all her gifts because he kept crying how broke he was; the man has 2 dam work from home jobs so i don’t know how that is but maybe if he actually got up to work when he’s schedule; thats noone else’s fault but HIS own & i will NOT take blame for him not having money; i pay my share of the bills, put gas in the car, buy any household items that are needed-he complained because i bought some trash bags for the yard; i said we have a yard we have to take care of, besides it was MY money i spent, not HIS! i’m to the point that if i want to buy something i will, i make my own money to spend how i want! even after all of that with his birthday and christmas, it was a short-lived sweet memory; after he fought with me while his mom was here it made me very uncomfortable to be around her. after that arguement she said to pray and she would pray for us; i told her i am a VERY patient person but its wearing thin with him & this is what i’ve gone thru with him for 2 years and he doesn’t change and that i can’t be with someone that treats ME like a child and wrong for EVERY SINGLE THING; she said she would talk to him but i told her don’t waste her breath because he doesn’t see he has a problem or any faults; i also told her don’t be surprised if i leave him, i love him but i’m too old to go thru this and i’d rather be by myself.
      he hasn’t bought ANYTHING for the house we are in and if i buy something he criticizes it, saying something about the color or how he should have some input into the decorating (smh)-i thought most men would LOVE for a woman to handle things like that, not this one! i bought a new bathroom set for the 2nd bathroom and it was not a good color; he wanted a different shower curtain up with the rugs and i said I BOUGHT IT AS A SET & IT MATCHES, THE OTHER SHOWER CURTAIN DOESN’T. he asks for my input on things and when i give it, he doesn’t like the answers; i thought i was really overthinking alot of this, but i tested my theory & i am right; anything little thing i do, if its not for him or to benefit him he puts it down or has something negative to say!
      as you can see i have held alot in (2 years worth) because i have noone i can confide in; this is really helping me & lifting a huge weight off my shoulders to read that there are others going thru the same or worse than me! i know i can’t change this man from doing all these horrible things (he has done this to those before me) but has made it seem like its THEIR fault (i see a pattern that he is blind to!) i know i’m not crazy and i’m NONE of these things he says i am, even though he has accused me of “hurting” him emotionally, smh. i’ve heard the same thing from 2 different exes (they don’t know each other!) that this man has a HAND, TEMPER & CONTROL issue, so i know its not on my head (like he says it is), i’m not crazy nor do i need help for MY issues; he says i’ve lied to my family about my REAL self & this is just the way i am, will never change & will ALWAYS play the victim. i don’t TRY to do any of this & i think my family should know me well effin enough to know the REAL me; its HIM who doesn’t know the real me, and i’ve been accused of withholding sex from him because i must be saving it for someone else (he’s even named a few people, smh). i am a very loving loyal respectful person, i’ve been thru alot with my kids when they were younger & had a short period in my life where i enjoyed my freedom (going out, seeing my girlfriends, doing fun things) but let him tell it, i was a whore that picked up guys at the clubs & thats how i picked him up; i had already knew of him but at the club i just had enough nerve to speak to him & it just so happened to be at a club; i am a little shy, but i love to have fun & he is killing the lively spark in me because if its not the fun he wants, then forget it! i like the movies, he thinks its a waste of money, i like to go dancing & he doesn’t; i think he’s afraid of bumping into some old flames at the clubs here, he puts down the music i listen to saying it all sounds like the same shit (i love latin music, i’m puerto rican, my passion is dance & i’ve been dancing since i could walk; but i love all rhythms!) he even knocked my passion for teaching zumba, saying there’s no real money to be mad & trying to tell me how to create the playlist for classes, but never stepped foot in a class. i guess at this point, i’m just praying for a miracle and something thats never going to happen *sigh*; he has some, very few great qualities about him BUT then again, all that goes out the window. i have alot of resentment towards him now because of how much he has hurt me & will not do anything to change HIMSELF about it; i know i did NOT bring any baggage from any past men that i’ve been with, and i know that’s just another sorry excuse of his to use against me & that my way of thinking is that i think all men are dogs, all men are the same and all i do is use facebook to bash men; i asked SHOW ME WHERE I EVER BASHED OR BAD-TALKED A MAN, of course he couldn’t because its not true; he has NOTHING to back up his senseless stupidity! the only wrong thing i ever did was talk to an ex of his about how he was, and some other females about the baby mama drama, then recently another friend about how he was treating me; thats it, thats all i’ve ever done is talk about him, but all of what i said has been the TRUTH! i figure i’m just better off keeping things to myself, talking to God and now, i can vent on this blog!
      thanks for reading

  108. Brim

    Beautifully Broken,
    After reading your response I wanted to ask you if you are sure you aren’t married to my husband! Lol. Oh, the abuse. August 2013 through June 2014 I swear I was married to Satan himself. Like you stated, getting angry and throwing fits over the silliest things…like the wrong kind of peanut butter in my case! One fight became so bad he bashed my head against the floor, choked me, and the put his full body weight on my chest while on his knees! He’s 6’4 and a very muscular 245 and I’m 5’7 and 150… He cracked two of my ribs!!! To the ER I went. Try to explain those injuries away…I didn’t. I told them what was going on…And because he is in the military his job was on the line so he was forced to get help. Marriage counseling helped until the therapist said something he didn’t like. And of course it was always something I said or did to cause his rage. The therapist told me, right in front of him, that it was not worth it for me to stay with a “man-child” because I was worth more than that. Oh boy did the venom fly!!! He got better and better as time went by because I stopped arguing! You sound like me, you know you are being mistreated and you want to defend yourself, which only ends in more abuse. Lol. I finally learned that nothing he says, not a single thing he says defines who I am, what I want, or where I’m going in life. His words literally have no power over me anymore. Like a fool I was always trying to make him comfortable to avoid criticism and abuse…Not anymore. Now if he asks me for something, politely, I will oblige…But only if it does not inconvenience what I want to do. I literally forcefully pulled away from him emotionally by practicing detachment…I suggest you look that up. After all my research and his diagnosis of NPD and AADD…I have been able to deal with the abusive behavior differently. I suggest you do the same. Like you, I’m too old for this crap! Nobody at any age should go through it but in my 30 ‘ s this HS guy bs is getting friggin old.
    We still have blips…But for the most part he has been respecting my boundaries, but I have to keep setting them and keeping them. In one breathe he loves me, in the next breathe I’m his biggest mistake! I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, or I’m the fattest, ugliest, stupidest whore he’s ever known!!! Lol. So I understand your roller coaster…And I wanted off…so I got off. I will not stay in a room if he flings an insult or criticism or name calling…I walk away or leave the house. I just don’t stand for it anymore and now he knows I will keep my word. And it’s his fear of losing his emotional supply, not me, that brings him back to reality. But I knew he needed to respect me but more importantly I needed to respect myself. I love him, but I can’t let loving him destroy me…I am not a victim. I accepted that I have chosen to stay with him through all of this and as time goes by, things get better. Not because he’s better, but because I am. Arm yourself. Do some research. Don’t point out to him he has a problem because he will never see it, and from experience it will only end in him feeling like you are attacking him…so a fight. Avoid the urge to defend yourself to him. Don’t let his words mean anything to you, he is a liar.
    There is hope when you are drowning. Voicing how you feel on here is a great outlet…we can be your floaties! Keep in touch. This helps me so much as well.

    1. beautifully broken

      maybe not your husband but definately sounds like a clone! sometimes i feel like i’m looking at the devil himself; angel one minute and satan the next! he’s very unpredictable but even when an arguement starts to escalate & my response is OK over & over, but even that cause him to get even more mad! i’m going to try your WALK AWAY method. he suggested “i” see a therapist “because i had issues he cannot help me with”, and said he would go with me; it was cheaper to research online about effective communication & when i told him about how to fight fair & the cool-off method, he tells me that i should be looking up ways to please my man in the bedroom (GRRRR). he just didn’t get it; THERE WAS A PROBLEM OR 2 & WE NEEDED TO COME TO A RESOLUTION! he made all this nifty suggestions to ME when he shouldv’e been doing the same! i even checked out books at the library; 1 book that i loved was the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, which i ended up buying & suggest he read it too. (that was a bust! he reads but only books on how to make money, smh).
      and its the same; 1 minute i’m this beautiful, sexy woman he thanks God everyday for blessing him with, the next he hates me & wants me out of his life! i’ve told him a few times he’s a bully & pushes his weight around & thats not right because he can really do some damage if he REALLY wanted to! he does have issues that only a professional can help him with; i always ALWAYS hear & see him blaming someone else for problems in his life; he can’t focus on his music & djing because he has to work for his own company (which i’m so glad i didn’t go that route!) & a job he got hired for, he blames his attorney for not getting back in touch with him about his custody case (i’m like OK, SO ITS THE LAWYERS FAULT? NOT YOURS RIGHT, BECAUSE THE LAWYER GOT THAT WITCH PREGNANT RIGHT? NOT YOU??) its his baby mama’s fault he never moved (hmmm); oh no, NEVER placing blame on himself for being a horny MF & screwing somebody that was convenient! its HER fault, the baby mama why he is in the predicament he’s in, smh. i know that if he’s like this as just a boyfriend, he will SUCK as a husband; i’m not sure i want that for my life & i’m slowly losing the love for him which takes ALOT for me to lose, but he’s pushing me farther and farther away; right now, we’re not speaking after the last blow up which is fine with me, i have nothing to say to him. he says he will live his life HAPPY (ok good, so will i!) so we are in the same house and don’t say BOO, KISS MY @$$, f-u or anything else! things have shifted from I LOVE YOU’S & hugs to dirty looks; i walk by him & i swear, to him i don’t exist! i keep asking myself WHY DID I COME BACK AFTER A MONTH OF SEPARATION FROM HIM, just when i was starting to let go, it was hurting me but i was coming to terms that a month passed & i can do this & move on but then he said he wanted to talk, & talking HE did; its always the same convo when i’ve left, how i don’t take blame, how i need the help, don’t care about anyone else’s feelings but MY own; i gave in like an idiot & came running back, apologizing til i cried my eyes out because like a fool i loved him that much! he almost cause separation between me & my only daughter for not taking HIS side; she made a comment on my fb page & being the big-mouth that HE is, responded back directly-indirectly at her (if that makes sense), she told him to stay out of it and stay in HIS place which he got highly offended & i had to hear about it; he sat right in my face while i called her & wanted me to say something to her about it, & when i didn’t say what he wanted me to say i didn’t have his back, i didn’t care about the way my disrespectful daughter talked to him & he wasn’t some thug or friend of hers for her to be disrespecting; he has this f-ing thing that he DESERVES to be respected, i don’t know who gave him that idea, smh; my daughter didn’t speak to me for weeks! even my mother said something to me about it; stupid me i made excuses for HIM! (by the way, THANKS Brim for taking you time out to answer back!) you have no idea how good it feels to vent!!! 🙂
      so i’ll be checking out the detachment issues & really taking your advice; if HE won’t remove himself from the arguements, i will do it myself! boy he’s going to see a whole new turnover, i’m going to keep doing what i love-zumba, dancing & my little around the house crafty ideas (i recently started making hoola hoops!) but when the fire rises, i will stay clear instead of trying to put it out!

  109. Brim

    Beautifully Broken,
    I’m the same as you. I tried for years to put out the fire.. but now I realize it’s not my fire to put out! I don’t get burned as often. I’m sorry I thought you were married…I guess I didn’t read thoroughly through your post. If you aren’t married, and are having these issues, DON’T. I can’t reiterate that enough. Until he can treat you the way you deserve you do not owe him the honor of your hand in marriage! My husband and I have been together for 5 years in total. The first two years were AMAZING. However, we did not live together and he was deployed much of the time…so I didn’t get that first hand experience with him as to who he really was. He polished me…he soothed me, he was everything I had wanted for years! I was independent, raising two kids on my own, educated, and successful. He asked me three times to marry him before I said yes…yes, I said 3! I turned him down in front of his family, once in public, and the third time he learned his lesson apparently and asked me in private. I told him that because I have these two little boys I had to be certain so ask me again in a month. He did and I finally said yes after much prayer and consideration. I never imagined he would change into this alternate person. I was sure that I had read him right, I was certain I had made the right choice. 3 years later I have realized that he was a fake, a pretender, a liar. I was his prey, only I wasn’t weak…he loved the thrill of the chase. I was a prize to be won, to feed his ego, his narcissistic needs, he needed a supplier.
    I feel for you in your situation, but if you are already seeing all of this and you are not married even if you love him don’t give him the honor. He doesn’t deserve it until he earns it, just like respect. My husband has come around but only because of what I mentioned before…I stopped arguing, I walk away, I don’t allow him to speak to me negatively anymore…I make boundaries and I keep them. I hope you the best in your efforts to do the same, take back your power and self respect!
    It is nice to vent. Keep doing Zumba…I love it…keep doing whatever it is that makes you feel human. And if he has something to say, walk away. Keep reading, keep growing as a person, don’t let him put out your fire for life. Until next time.

    1. beautifully broken

      thanks Brim!
      no, i’m not married, and at this point probably not going to be! he’s 34 and NEVER been married (i wonder why!); i’ve already been married, over 20 years ago (wow!) but i don’t see us going down that road…this past week has been like a nightmare i can’t wake up from; we pass each other in the house, don’t say so much as BOO to each other; i’ve made his cup of coffee a few mornings and he says thank you, even breakfast and lunch; he’s done the same 2 times; but still, i just see a cold place in this person who used to tell me I LOVE YOU, GOOD MORNING, HAVE A GOOD DAY & kiss me good morning & good night; sleeping in the same bed is NOT even the same! if i so much as scoot close to him he grunts & shifts his position; i’m sure him touching me is a slip up but its not like he holds me at night; he’s just turned so dam cold (crying) and its just NOT the same feeling; i don’t know this person anymore, i look at him & i wonder WHERE IS THE PERSON I LOVED!!! i’ve cried myself to sleep almost every single night, i wake up having bad dreams and the next morning i don’t even want to leave my bed! just to make myself feel good i bought a 1/2 dozen white roses, had them in the kitchen so he could see them then bought them in my home-office; i love looking at them! i’m still keeping it together…still praying; i have NOTHING to apologize for so i’m not going to make the first move, i’ve done that too many times in the past 2 years just to make peace in the home & prove that i’m humble enough, but this crap is getting old! i’m not apologizing for something i KNOW i did not do, to give him that satisfaction of me giving in so he will get his way which he seems to have always gotten & used to having things HIS WAY! it kills me when they proclaim themselves to be GOOD MEN, smh. i really want to know what makes them consider themselves to be a good man??? i know i’m a DAM good woman because i’ve put up with too much $H!T from losers and sorry @$$ men! not bashing men by any means *sigh*…for know, i’ll just keep praying!!!
      take care & enjoy your weekend Brim! i will be in touch monday!!!

  110. beautifully broken

    better days ahead!!! seems like when the storms pass, there’s ALWAYS sunshine! i’m staying focused & not going to let HIM steal my joy!!! i WILL take care of me, regardless…he can like it or not, be there or be gone; makes no matter to me, i’ve managed BEFORE him in my life & i will manage WITHOUT!

  111. beautifully broken

    i swear, this MF is such a drama queen! i have never met a man to be such a fuckin drama queen!!! (smh) i guess he’s pitching his little bitch fit cause i’m not in the mood; i don’t feel like it, i’m not some sex-crazed nympho that wants to stay up all night long doing it; he shouldv’e been with someone his age or YOUNGER! and i hate that he has mentioned LOTS OF WOMEN MY AGE HAVE GREAT SEX…how the fuck would he know that!!!! this used to upset me so much, i would break down & cry; not anymore! i’m over it ….thats what you want, GO AHEAD & GET IT, get what you think you deserve, smh.
    (sorry had to vent today, because i keep getting the side eye from him for not screwing his brains out!!!)

  112. beautifully broken

    Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
    Crazy Bitch, Psycho
    Whore, Slut
    Heartless Ho
    Says “woman” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
    On the flip side, he may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence

    …been called this & then some; i think this is the worst ever relationship i’ve EVER been in; he doesn’t cheat on me, doesn’t stay out late anywheres, doesn’t go to titty bars or clubs; if he is going to be away for a long period of time somewhere he actually checks in…so all that might be good & all BUT, he is still abusive in every sense of the word!

  113. he tells me am no match for him,that am a weakling

    1. Because he knows that if you believed the truth, that you are mentally and emotionally tougher than he is, then you would use those strengths to run. They call you what they are, not what you are.

    2. stardust

      How about the emotional abuser who plays prince charming and tricks you and future fakes. I was divorced for 5 years and met a man that I thought seemed very real. It was a long distance relationship for first year. He couldn’t wait to have me here..so I quit my good job and yes I had some past debt he adviced me to go bankrupt and start a whole new life with him. He told me I didn’t need a good job that we would be fine. Then after 10 months I moved here over 2 hours away to live with him. Wow ! That was stupid. My biggest nightmare in my life! Things were a bit strange at first and he was in control of what I can put of mine for decorations in his house..then he’d act withdrawn..ignoring me hot and cold. He then threatened to kick me out that this isn’t working. Then 3 days later he said sorry and wanted to make this work. I was a complete wreck. He was good for awhile then 4 months later he threatened again. Then it had been good off and on. Now its been 6 months from that incident and he’s ignoring me again making me feel like crap and now I’m being treated like an afterthought. Its building up again. I took a big step yesterday and went to a woman’s shelter for advice and resources. Yes in fact he’s an abuser and using financial violence against me. Powerful word. All I know is I have a job and will be working on getting a car (yes gave my car up as he said I wouldn’t need it as I could use his truck and that we’d figure it out)
      I just need to finacially get on my feet and then im packing up and moving out. I am a compassionate, aattractive woman who is independent! Can’t wait for freedom!

  114. Reading all these stories makes me so sad to think there are so many of us in this abusive boat. Mine has been going on since almost the beginning of our relationship and I was too stupid to get out while I could. My husband is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know who is going to appear, that’s what makes it so difficult. Everything can be completely normal and them wham, out of the blue the psycho is in the house. Today was a perfect example. I could tell something was not quite right when I returned home from my run this morning. His mood had shifted from the day before. He started getting nasty and I told him to back off. Things were ok until a little later when he exploded all because I mentioned that some food we had in the refrigerator needed to be cooked before it spoiled. He was making himself something to eat at the time and went crazy because he thought I was trying to tell him what to cook. My God, you would have thought I had told him I had emptied our bank account or something. next thing he’s telling me to mind my own business, calling me names, just basically going insane. I left the room and he continued his ranting. I started laughing because it was all so ridiculous. He continued spinning around like the Tazmanian devil for awhile and I just ignored him. I’m practicing detachment so it’s been easier to deal with his stupidity. Now, of course he’s doing the silent treatment. This is his modus operandi. Explode and wreak havoc and then silence. What a child he is. Such an embarrassment. What happened today though, was true to form with abusers. He had been ok for about a week, but this morning he started showing signs of needing to explode. He was trying hard to pick a fight and no matter what I would have done today, he was going to fight. It was preordained by him. He had to have his fix. So, I try and just live my life without him as best I can. We’ve been together for 33 years and I’m so worn out by this behavior. I know he is mentally ill, you have to be to do these things. By detaching and trying to set some boundaries, this gives me some sense of control when things go insane. The fact that I’ve started writing about this and have reached out to support groups shows that I am truly fed up. Before I was too ashamed, but now since he feels free to scream at me where other people hear, why should I try and protect him and his feelings and reputation. I’ve always been slow when it comes to change, so maybe there is still hope for me. This site is so valuable. I have felt so alone for so long, but having this site and others makes it a little more bearable.

    1. This is a good place to tell your story . It has been a year since I told my story on here . The man that almost killed me is finally going to court . I am told a plea might be offered . He would get one year behind bars , a five year restraining order , one year probation and some dv classes . He has a record of felonies from abuse and served 2 years in prison before but if it goes to trial none of his past can be brought up ..wow really ..our justice system is so messed up . If it goes to a jury trial it is my word against his so its possible he could get aquitted and walk away with nothing . You have to be kidding me . So for the last year he spent two months in jail and was bonded out . I live in fear every moment of every day . I don’t have my children or grandchildren over for fear he will show up and harm them . This is my home I own it and yet I feel like the prisoner its so unfair . Its so hard sometimes to keep your head in a good place and know that one day all this pain and fear will one day hopefully be over . We need laws to be changed more to gear toward the victims rights and not the criminals . Anyone that has been abused deserves to feel safe .

    2. shannon brooks

      to Minerva,
      your situation is just like mine. My husband will be fine for a few days then explode over something so ridiculous. He goes crazy, spitting yelling telling me everything that is wrong with me…then silence. For about 3 days he wont talk and if he does it is in this very monotone condescending voice. I too, have began to laugh..I also still cry because i cant understand someone that can turn into a monster over spilled chocolate chips, left out shoes, a pillow not fluffed right, hitting the dogs water bowl (I am just so clumsy, now there is water all over the floor), twisting my words and so on. Ho Hum! I do know it is not me and I am the one going to counseling not him. The counselor and i laugh together! I too am growing increasingly tired. Just dont feel like leaving at age 57. I do find myself on the internet looking for places to live and leaveing the pillows how I want them! Just me and my two dogs….sounds kinda wonderful.

  115. Jilly

    My boyfriend was Controlling. The last straw was four weeks ago when he pushed me for having my hair cut too short. He placed his Hand over my neck, and showed me how he would strangle me. I was too afraid to cut all links with him because I didn´t know how he would react. But luckily he has found a woman online. He has cut all links with me, has blocked me on the phone and social Networks.

    He told me the arguments were my fault because I am selfish and know which of his Buttons to push.

    My question is – will he treat he new woman the same as me? Was it wrong chemistry between me and him? Is she really so much better than me and makes him so much happier than I did, as he claimed?

    I know the answer already, but I just Need reassurance that I am not crazy and that I was not the control Freak in the relationship, as he told me I was.

    1. He will do the same thing to her. IF he lets you see anything at all about his new relationship, it will serve to “prove” that he treats his new girlfriend well. He will tell you and everyone else that he treats her well because she is not like he claimed you to be.

      You are now looking into his life from the outside, so he will attempt to make what you see better than what you experienced.

      He saved you lots of heartache by blocking you. Since you probably know his email address, use it to block him on social media too. It is always possible he will unblock you either to cause you more pain OR to reconnect with you.

      Another thing, even if you did push his buttons, it is HIS job to control how he reacts to his buttons being pushed. Also, “selfish” is a common word abusers use toward their victims. It works so well because MOST victims are unselfish (often to a fault) and try very hard to be good partners, collaborators, and compromisers.

    2. Anonymous

      Thank you for your reply. I have already blocked him on my phone and his email addresses too. He has a photography page on Facebook, and I don´t look at that because I´m sure he will post Pictures of him with his new woman, or he will write nasty things about me. He has blocked me from his personal page, so I can´t see that any way.

      You know, I don´t even love this man. From the time we met, I told him I didn´t want a serious relationship, and I´ve never thought about having a future with him. But nevertheless, his behaviour has made me feel so bad. I feel sad about how he could treat me, and I feel angry too.

      I know I am better off without him.

      It really helps to hear your opinions.

      I´ve started therapy and had a good talk with a doctor the day before yesterday. She said his shabby behaviour at the Moment is his way of putting me down and making me feel bad, because I was the one who finished the relationship – his male ego has been dented. I told him we would just stay friends, but he called me and gave me an Ultimatum – a relationship or nothing. I said “nothing”, and after that is when he found the new Lady on the Internet and started his childish games.

      He has threatened me with black eyes and with knocking my teeth out, and the pushing because of my hair cut was the first actual physical Thing he did.

      The doctor told me to prepare myself for him getting in touch again, as she is sure he will.

      I´m Feeling hurt and angry, but things could have been so much worse.

      I hope that the new Lady doesn´t come to any harm.

      Many thanks again for taking the time to reply.

  116. Jilly

    Thank you for your reply.

  117. Jilly

    It really helps to hear your opinions.

    I don´t love this man, and from the start told him I didn´t want a serious relationship, but I still feel bad and angry about how he has treated me and how he is behaving now.

    I have blocked him on my phone and his email addresses. He has a photography page on Facebook, and I have stopped looking at that too, as I´m sure he will deliberately post Pictures of his new Lady, or even write nasty things about me, and I don´t want to allow him this means of hurting me.

    The pushing and the Hands on my neck was the first time he got physcial. He had threatened me with black eyes and with knocking my teeth out before.

    I started therapy with a doctor a couple of days before. She told me his childish Treatment of me now is shabby, childish behaviour, and it is his attempt to put me down in order to repair his damaged male ego. She said it is a form of Aggression. His ego is damaged because he gave me an Ultimatum – relationship or nothing. I said “nothing”, and that is when he began looking online for a new girlfriend.

    She also said to prepare myself for him getting in touch again. I don´t think he will while everything is going well with his new Lady. I just hope that she will be ok and not come to any harm. I don´t know her, know nothing about her, but she is a human being and has a lot of hurt to come.

    Many thanks again for your help. I really appreciate it.

  118. Minerva

    He’ll treat his new girlfriend just like he did you. They don’t ever change without serious intervention. They never think they’re the problem. Have absolutely no contact with him. He’s insane. Mine is employing his silent treatment again. It’s happening more and more often. Probably 2 or 3 times per week after his explosions. My husband was married before and she left after 9 years. God knows why I hooked up with him. He owned up to the fact he was verbally abusive with his ex-wife but I thought he had changed. What a fool. Guess I was too young and thought I was in love. In hindsight I don’t think it was that. Now it’s so many years later I feel stuck. Run as far and fast away from these types of men. At the 1st hint get the hell out. You will only bring yourself misery if you don’t.

  119. Hello,

    I think one of the hardest things we have to do is admit our faults. I am guilty of so many of these actions and am ashamed of myself. I stand and ask him to treat me how I deserve to be treated and I failed to recognize I was doing him the same way. Tit for tat. Growing up basically with each other, finding our way through heartbreaking mistakes, one on my part and I have owned it; but he will not give on his end. He is not the same man he was and I feel lucky to share my life with him and I know we have a long way to go. But it a grand start. I look forward to all my days with him.

    Thank you,

  120. Anonymous

    Here it is short and sweet, i have been married to brian for about 11 yrs now. First 2 yrs not bad the last 9 horrible, mine picks fights, buys me iff when we have bad arguments. Everyday we argue and he is right iam wrong; something breaks down he blames me. He sets me up to have fights with him like says; why dont u go and visit ur mom for awhile, so i do, when i get and he will start talking to me and i will answer him and he says; There u go again talking ti me shitty; everytime u go to ur moms and come back u come back being mean to me. Right there it is his way of picking a fight. He does and says the same exact thing to me every time i go any where. He has made threats about material things like; wrll i guess i will start have things shut off like the cable or he will tell me that the chihuahuas will start living out in the garage or he will say i will start paying rent. He says i know bothing about paying bills, or he will say;how he will have my whole family arrested. He has gotten me to the point where i dont like him and i know oyr marriage over; its a matter of time intill i can find other means of living arrangements. I akso have cut out sex and I have made no advances to him in almost 2 yrs. I have so much i can tell u but u get the jest if it.

  121. Anonymous

    He is without a shadow of a doubt, verbally abusive, controlling, selfish, and self centered. The longer it goes on, does it turn physical?

    1. Yes. Verbal and emotional abuse usually always turns physically violent. Eventually, the verbal control does not work, and the abuser does what they’ve wanted to do all along – grab you up and force you to do what they say.

  122. Jilly

    Good morning ladies!

    Thank you again for all your comments.

    I think I´m lucky to have got out when I did. He tried so Long to control me with verbal abuse, and the pushing and the Hands on the neck was the first step towards Controlling me with violence.I think.

    Thank goodness he found someone. If he hadn´t, he would still be fixated on me.

    You know, you can´t do anything right with These guys. I wished him well and a happy life, and said I hoped it worked out with him and his new Lady. And do you know what? My therapist said he would have interpreted even this well meaning, sincere comment as a provocation. They just don´t have the same values as you and I.

    Mine is definitely a dangerous Person. I´m now trying to put it down to a learning experience.


    1. Vera V.

      I feel so sorry for everyone here who suffers and has suffered abuse in the past-i am also living with a monstrously abusive,disrespectful and toxic husband.Rotten life circumstances from childhood caused major depressive disorder since early childhood(I was adopted at 10 days old by very strange and very abusive family,and every form of abuse except sexual,ensued through my whole childhood,including at age 24,a broken nose from my adoptive mother’s 2nd husband-something which still has not been fixed,leaving me at age 50 with a skew nose and chronic sinusitis.

      My husband refuses to pay to have this fixed,telling me:”It’s not for health reasons you want your nose fixed,You just want to look good!”

      After a childhood,teenage years and young adult life of nothing but abuse and toxic relationships(which I accepted because by then I was psychologically so damaged I did’nt know better,and had no self-respect back then) I ended up tethered to a narcissictic psychopath,with whom I’d had a child.I had to work day+night jobs,he refused to work and was also a hopeless alcoholic.It was at work where I met my current husband,a client.

      We ended up talking much,and he offered to take me+my child in,and get us out of that toxic situation.I had no family left by that time,the adoptive family was either dead or gone from my life,so I was all alone in the world,and my child.I jumped at this change,believing it was the rescue I had been praying for so long.I divorced the alcohol,cheating,gambling addicted,womanising narcissistic psychopath,and started making a life with the man I saw as a knight on a white horse.

      He was anything but.Turns out he was as badly abusive as my ex-husband,only he could keep a job and did’nt gamble.Also did not cheat as much as my ex.But he is an aggresive,permanently angry,disrespectful,misogynistic,hateful,pathologically self-centred psychopath who has been endlessly abusive-psychologically,emotionally,verbally and even physically-he almost beat me to death a few months ago,with his fists on my head.He is a cowardly piece of scum that has always used the fact that I am alone,penniless,without family,car,job or driver’s license,utterly disenfranchised and at his mercy.

      Not just do I not have family or friends,he has isolated me out in the rural area where he works,where we live on the property of the company he works for.I could never leave before,because he said if I go,I go without the children-and I can starve on the pavement for all he cares.He has threatened that in such a case he will make sure to get custody.I do not have much in the line of job skills,I was a mere shopfloor saleslady when we met,my major depressive disorder screwed up my young life so badly that I did not avail myself of any kind of job training,that could see me getting a job with a salary enough to even pay rent-and in my country,South Africa,everything is horrendously expensive as it is.The only place close to us is a small little hamlet without jobs going really-and at the age of 50 I am decrepit,sickly,used up by life and this man.

      At age 41 I had a son,and have a 17 year old daughter with him also-at least when she leaves the house in a year or two,I can finally leave this man,as my son has said straight out he will aske the court to stay with me-i will try,I hope that works out.I think maybe the thing I’m married to,has finally realised that to deny me a divorce,by threatening to keep my son away from me,and leaving me to fend for myself on the street,will lose him the love of his son forever.And my daughter is a young adult now,who is chomping at the bit to get on with young adult life.Heartbreaking,I shall miss her grievously-but it is what young people do,and in a way it is also a change if this family’s way of life that could finally mean I shall be free of this contemptible monster.My 1st child from my first marriage is gone fron our lives too,ditching us when she met a wealthy young man.

      I could write a book about the abuse I suffered in this sham of a marriage,including from his parents and sister.It is so much I cannot even write it down.

      I shall never go into a relationship again,even if I don’t look too haggard+terrible on the outside,for 50yo,inside I am too damaged to ever trust a man again,and physically I am decrepit.I cannot wait to die,am just hanging on hoping for my son’s sake,maybe to live another 10 years.This man has effectively murdered me-he has taken my health,my ability to love and trust-and my will to live.

  123. Laurie Yair

    This site is excellent! I have left my emotionally, verbal and sometimes physically abueive husband but haven’t been able to get the divorce yet. My husband brain-washed my 20 year old daughter with mental problems to stop all meds at age 18 …actually he had convinced her over the years not to see psychs or to take her meds. I clicked on a book advertised here called, The Verbally Abusive Man and when I read a long review from a customer I was so shocked by what I read…”the customer said she didn’t recommend going to any type of counseling because the abusive man succeeds in getting the counselor to blame the woman” Why am I shocked? Because the counselor I have been seeing alone advised me to bring in my husband so that “together” we can cooperate to get my brain-washed daughter back on meds. But she says she will committ suicide if forced…This counselor put the blame on me for a few things. I couldn’t believe it! And this isn’t the first time my husband has succeeded in getting the counselor to side with him. I need advice on what to do or what not to do…Just sharing…Careful girls!!!

    1. Did you find a new counselor? I had a not-so-good one but returned 6 times until I remembered he worked for me! We can fire our counselors and hire a better one. <3 Have you considered getting counselor for your daughter? In time, she could change her mind and not feel forced. Or maybe she and the counselor could come up with a different treatment plan (again, without forcing her, perhaps she’ll accept the help she needs).

  124. Echoe

    My boyfriend meet 80% of these things!

  125. My husband have and still is doing these things too me he’s a narcissistic man and everything he says goes even the lies he makes up is true too him.

  126. Queenies

    Amy who left a comment April 17th. Your life sounds like mine. Today I told him I’m leaving. I’m looking for a place for me and my kids to go. I’ve been here almost ten years. I can’t take it anymore. He will never change and he will never ever stop. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.

  127. K.J.

    Great article. Thanks for sharing such valuable infomation so that we don’t feel alone on our journey through life, which is so very important. Thank you 🙂

  128. johndoe

    This is very biased. Im a young man that has been abused by my family. Mostly the female members. This article makes it seem like only men can be abusers and only offers advice for women who are being abused by men. What about me? I cant just leave, i got nowhere to go. Its not like i get called a cunt or a whore but i still get abused very much and cant ever get a word in edgewise. I came here looking for advice but i guess the general attitude is that women are the abusees and not the abusers themselves right? Yeah keep thinking that, thats what enables some of these women like the ones in my family to keep hurting people. Smh. I really wish i could just figure out what to do but i have no one and nowhere to go since my dad died and these people just want to hurt and humiliate at every turn. I cant just go out on the streets and yes people have actually said that. I cant call social service because im 22 years old. I cant move out because there are hardly any jobs where i live. I keep applying everywhere but even when i do find something its not much, not enough to get put especially when they demand most of my money as back rent. Believe me women can ve very good abusers. You cant hit em back. And when you fight back using your words they will cry and cry and cause commotion no matter how reasonable you are being they will make you look like the bad guy and throw anything in your face. You cant make friends because they scare em away or start drama, god forbid you have a gf they will just use her to hurt you further. Im sick of these people. Its no wonder why my dad committed suicide and im about to kill myself too. Ive tried before but this next time im going to make sure there are No mistakes.

    1. John, you can follow the same advice given to women. Call the National Suicide Hotline immediately at (800) 273-8255 or visit their website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

      Additionally, you need a safety plan (here: http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/comprehensive-safety-plan-print.pdf )

      Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit the website at http://thehotline.org You can also call social services as a domestic violence victim no matter what your age.

      No one said women cannot abuse or are not “good at it.” They’ve got you thinking there is no hope and that does not help your self-confidence as you look for work. Make sure you’re using your state’s jobs programs. They’re very good and you can get one-on-one support in finding work.

      There is help for you, just as there is help for any abuse victim. If you think women victims have it easy, you need to put that thought out of your mind. No abuse victim has it easy. No abuse victim gets magically rescued by another person. And no abuse victim gets a lot of help once they do escape abuse. It is a tough road. You can do it. You can break their spell over you. Reach out for help.


      And here is my obligatory response to men who claim bias: http://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/03/domestic-abuse-gender-issue-men-report/

  129. This book is so on point and time to make a change for the betterment safe havens for self

  130. Needtotalk

    I just realized today I’m being bought… He knows I’m serious about leaving so he’s shelling out money (against my logical reasoning) for stuff I’ve needed and the baby. Sure it feels nice to be spoiled but nothing is ever free anything I get from him materials or emotional or affection It always costs me in the end.
    6 yrs later I have nothing left to give but he keeps taking from me. I’m sooo close to starting fresh I have nothing financially so I’ve been waiting on my assistance. I’m pregnant & have two other children…
    Every time I try to leave I always have no place to go permanent it always seems easier to have my “family” and not struggle. He knows I have a big heart he knows I care no matter what happens it’s a blessing and a curse.
    I keep thinking he can change God Can fix my family
    He shows me he can be better little by little
    But will I survive as long as it takes him to finally get it together? Sooo much life has been sucked out of me already

  131. lucy

    Wow alot of this just detailed my bf behavior he thinks I’m the crazy one and made me confused like it was just me

  132. I think he did a lot more of these things than I did , but I would be. A liar if I denied doing my fair share of wrong . We actually got along pretty well but his passive aggressive propensities and mid life crisis conspired against us . Had I reacted differently , I might have evade him feel worse for gaslighting me and trashing my name , but he was going to do what he wanted, I got hurt worse than I would have if I would have maintained I higher code and had more grace . Anger got in my way . What is he did and is still doing is pretty self-centered and abusive, but two wrongs do not make a right .

  133. anonymous

    My husband will never acknowledge my presence, will not engage or interact when I talk to him, it’s as if I’m talking to thin air, he raises his voice and starts screaming at me if I try and have an opinion opposite of him in any way, he ignores all ailments I might come down with and acts as tho my sickness (be it cold, flu, I just got over strep,) is a burden for him cause he’ll have to take care of the house and kid’s. He has never helped or took care of me in sickness, I asked him once to Grrrrr Tylenol and he huffed and was upset he had to. I can count to three and that’s the number of times he has went out of his way to compliment me on my looks. He never lets me have a social life but claims he doesn’t care if I go out or do anything but when I do he’s engaged and finds a way to fight, ask my friend’s and family secretly hate him, he’s cheated on me left me for three months told me we’re getting divorced and got back with me and never apologized or fixed the trust issues between us, he tells me he can’t stand to be around me, he tells me everything in the house is his cause he works and I stay at home with his kids, when he’s mad he tells me to get the fuck out of his house, truck, car, bed, I’m miserable every day off my life… I wish I’d never met him

  134. Terese Palfi

    Oh Lord! This is like a copy of what my life has been like through the three years my marriage lasted. I finally found the courage to leave, with help from local Shelter and the police.

    I want to add something to this, that has been a big part of my husbands abuse towards me. He is amazing with words, I might add. He has several times tried to “set me up”, with the most unheard of lies and play acting, like, making family, friends, Police think I am out to hurt him. He has not succeeded in breaking me, and therefore he had to try “other Methods”. If I had stayed much longer, I believe that he would have set me up good and proper, killed me, and claimed “self defense”. I am still terrified of him, because he is very good at lying and I don’t imagine having a hope at all, in the divorce court.

    What I keep telling myself is, that no matter what happens, I WILL be the winner, because ending our marriage will give me the freedom to walk away and never have to see or hear him. He cannot do that: he has to live with himself for the rest of his miserable life! I thank God I am me.

  135. Anonymous

    I pushed my boyfriend and he hit me, held me down, grabbed me by my hair and threw me to the ground and when I asked him to stop he grabbed the back of my head and my hair and told me to suck it. All of this right in front of my three children. I should have never pushed him, he just wouldn’t leave me alone and I wanted him to leave. I wasn’t asking for a beating!!! This is the first time this has happened I two years. We have been together nine years. I don’t know what to do. I suffer from bipolar disorder and have been severely injured for over 6 months from a car accident. I can’t support myself much less my children so I stay.

  136. michelle

    I’ve been with my husband over 4 years and ever since we got married and had a baby, he doesn’t seem to be bothered when I say I’m going to divorce him. You see, he’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t cheat on me, but, he calls me names, and makes me feel like crap. He takes money out of my wallet and will overdraft my bank account to get his beer and liquor. He’ll tell me he’s going to check the mail and he comes back with beer/liquor. A couple times I’ve gotten fed up and thrown away the crap. And those times he got really mad. He hit me with a stick on top of my head, threw hardcover books at me all while I was holding our daughter. And I had to jump out the window in order to leave because he wouldn’t let me leave. I felt horrible because I couldn’t take my daughter with me. I had to run to the neighbors house and they went and got my daughter. I feel trapped. I’m only 20 years old. I have a toddler to take care of, a job to go to and I don’t have much family or friends where I live to help me out. I’m lost. I thought I married the love of my life and now I despise him and deep down I still love him. If I had a place to go to, I would leave him. I’ve given him many ultimatums. He doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know what to do. Truthfully, he’s a great guy when he’s sober. But when he drinks, it seems like a flame is ignited. I’m constantly worrying and sad because of him. More importantly though, my daughter is caught in the middle of this ugly mess. She doesn’t deserve to be in the situation she’s in. Me and her deserve better than this. Someone please give me some advice as in what to do. I have no one I can talk to about this!

    1. His abuse includes physical violence and I wish you would leave him. I don’t know where you are, but in NC there is an “ex parte” restraining order that takes the abuser out of the home. By the sound of it, you pay for the house anyway.

      Immediately change your bank account. He has no reason to access your money since he’s proven he can’t be trusted. Don’t use a debit card. Use checks and make sure his name isn’t on them.

      You do have someone you can talk to. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. You can also apply for a mentor from this site at http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

  137. danielle

    Ok. So much I’ve read is him exactly. I really want to know what made them like this? Did something happen to them to make them so incredibly cruel? I think I already know but,do they ever change? We have been together 14 years but we are not married, no kids together. I still try to reason with him(haha) and was going to show him this article, but then I knew he would not read it and if he.did would not realize it was about him.

    1. danielle

      I am unemployed at the time so he constantly tells me how worthless and lazy I am. He watches porn alot and wants me to act like a porn star. Needless to say he has destroyed any enjoyment of sex. My car needs work and I can’t afford repairs and he refuses to do any simple repairs on it. He will only allow me to drive his car if he is in a good mood or if I am going to grocery store. I feel so angry and trapped. I would kick him out if I could afford it. I think.

  138. Joules

    My partner seems to moan about everything.

    He has moaned about how many cushions there are on the sofas

    He has moaned about stuff I want on the walls

    He has moaned about my belongs and basically I felt like I’ve had to sell a lot of stuff.

    We once did a carboot and a lot of stuff was left he wouldn’t let me bring it home and just gave it to a charity stall and there was nothing I could do.

    He moans about how many towels we have and bedding

    He moans about everything I do and don’t do

    He moans when I put the dishwasher on or washing machines and tumble dryers

    Basically moans about everything

    I’ve told him it’s like mental torture and then he says oh it’s my fault for asking about things

    1. ibikenyc

      Canna remember the last time I vacuumed in peace.

      “Didn’t you just DO the bathroom two days ago?”

      “Do you realize it took you FIFTY MINUTES to vacuum the hallway?!” (This question came up repeatedly over several days and then a week or two later. I finally got to where I thanked him for letting me know, as I’d had no idea, and said that now I could add it to my daily fitness log as calories burned. Haven’t heard it again since then.) (YET.)

      I have heard, repeatedly and for YEARS, about the sweet (unsalted) butter I always buy: “I don’t LIKE that butter!” He shops for groceries, on his own, REGULARLY. Guess how many times he’s brought salted butter into the house? (“Jeopardy” theme.)

      Three or four years ago, I began buying and using Kosher salt exclusively. He doesn’t LIKE that, either, and has brought home as much regular salt as salted butter.

      The cat was on glucosamine for a while. We’d open the capsules and mix the powder with her food. I have an idea that nobody here will be a bit surprised that he ARGUED WITH ME ABOUT HOW TO DO THAT. (I put the powder into the empty bowl, then the food, then mixed. HE put the food first, then the powder, then mixed.)

      He argues POINTS OF PHYSICS with me; basic stuff like that HEAT RISES and COLD FALLS.

      He is ETERNALLY “Not awake enough, yet,” for any normal household activity (including normal and innocuous conversations, like what does he want from the grocery store) until at LEAST noon, but equally eternally PLENTY awake enough to bitch, sigh, moan, and HUFF about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

      Some of this stuff would be hilariously-funny in a John Belushi / Jim Carrey / other-such comedy: Arguing PHYSICS?!

      (Wonder if he’d argue about gravity if I said I wasn’t gonna step off a high place?)

    2. I couldn’t help myself. I giggled. It is good to have a sense of humor when it comes to their NONSENSE. Keep laughing, but stay safe! You should start a blog 🙂

    3. ibikenyc

      Hi, Kellie Jo!

      I see no “Reply” at the bottom of what you posted to me on June 3 at 11:20, so I am replying to myself in the belief that you will see this when you(se) go to moderate.

      I’m glad you got a laugh! I try to think of him sometimes as an especially-recalcitrant two-year-old and sometimes as a crazy old man.

      Sometimes my mouth runs away with me. If I REALLY dislike someone, I get sarcastic and intellectually-condescending with them.

      I am very careful when I say stuff like that to him. Most of the time it’s a day or more later, and it’s because he’s bringing it up AGAIN in what he wants to trick me into believing is a simple bid for information (but that I know is REALLY an attempt at interrogation):

      “FIFTY MINUTES to vacuum a hallway! (astonished half-snort/half-chuckle) I mean, did you REALIZE how long you were out there?!”

      “No, I didn’t! But that reminds me, I wanted to thank you for paying attention! Fifty minutes of vacuuming burns off a hundred and seventy-six calories! I NEVER woulda thought of writing that down if you hadn’t mentioned it!”

      WHAT’S HE GONNA SAY?????

      The fact is that I WOULDN’T have ever thought of it, and I WAS glad it got pointed out to me, and now I keep track all the time of how much I vacuum! It’s not that we haven’t ALL gotten to be really great actors, but there was none involved. He tried very hard to find a trace of attitude anywhere on or about me, and he couldn’t.

      (And I still haven’t yet heard about it again, although I also haven’t done the whole thing since that last time.)

      (PS: This “hallway” is as follows: There are two apartments on each of two floors. Up here, the hallway is thirty or so inches wide and twelve feet long, there’s a landing area about 3 x 5, and thirteen steps down to the first floor, all carpeted INCLUDING THE RISERS; downstairs, it’s thirty-six or forty inches wide, thirty or so feet long, and covered with old linoleum tiles.)

  139. Anonymous

    My dad does all of these things except for the sexual abuse which i don’t know if he does or ever has done he always shames my mom and says “stop trying to be like her she’s ignorant and is always lieing ” right in front of her then he yells and yells and then the next day he’s “mr nice guy” and says “you want to go to the beach” or “why don’t you ever hug me” he does more stuff I’m telling you he does everything on the list I don’t know what to do in only a child

  140. ibikenyc


    I just now LET HIM get me unglued.

    @#$% @#$% @#$%!

  141. ibikenyc

    PS: “Namaste,” my A**!

  142. sotired

    I find it so incredibly frightening, and sad, that my husband says a lot of these things. But not always directly to me – he says nasty things about me to the other woman so they can make fun of me between themselves. It’s unbelievable that such an intelligent man can behave in this manner.

    1. That is horrible, sotired. 🙁 If he’s doing this to you with other women as his tools, are you sure you’re safe from STDs? Intelligence makes abusers more conniving, it doesn’t deter them from attempting to control one bit.

    2. sotired

      No danger of STDs Kellie. He doesn’t come near me, even asks if he can come through if I’m in the doorway. I feel as if I have a disease. He’ll only hug and kiss me if he’s trying to blackmail me with his lies. But he doesn’t like it because I’m calling him out on his lies. I know the marriage is over and I’ve told him to go – he wanted to leave 5 years ago but his and her house that they had bought together has been put up for sale so HMRC can have their unpaid taxes back. I loved this man for so many years, he recently ignored our 37th annniversary, but now I think I hate him. I will not divorce him while he has nowhere to go – I want to keep my home. Hopefully I can stay strong for a while longer.

    3. We have a mentoring program if you’d like an abuse survivor to talk to thru email. Go to:http://goo.gl/bVPWyf to find out about the program.

  143. claudia

    Can I press chrges for this

    1. You can press charges if abuser physically assaults you OR threatens to hurt or to kill you. Otherwise, verbal abuse (and emotional abuse) cannot be prosecuted as a crime (Free Speech). I’m not an attorney, so your best bet is to get a free consultation from an attorney.

  144. I’ve been married for 14 years. My family is broken. Parents divorced after I was married and had a child. I thought I loved my husband when we married but now I think I couldn’t bear to be alone. I was 21 when we married..my mother kicked me out over an argument over plans for my sisters wedding when I was 20. I had my own place for a year. (I guess my family life was pretty crappy growing up.) my biggest concern is that my daughter not be exposed to my husbands behavior. She’s 12 and impressionable. I’m constantly reminded how awful my family is. How much he hates my father for the person he is and for cheating and leaving my mom. My sister is fake my brother is a loser my mother is crazy. I’m a stupid bitch and I should get out. Did I mention he drinks? A lot? He doesn’t think he has a problem because he works hard and makes money to support us. But I find beer cans everywhere. In the shower and closet but he’s not hiding them. He does work around the house and brags that our walls are full of empty beer cans. He thinks it’s hysterical that someone will find them someday. But he’s not an alcoholic right?! Fights are usually based on my family. He knows it upsets me. But his family is perfect. I have never felt like a part of that family. They all drink a lot. They think it’s ok and the girls enable the men. (They are all functioning working people who pay their bills and seem decent.) I’m so tired of wondering if what I say or do will set him off. He gets nasty when he drinks but sometimes he’s nice. It’s confusing. My daughter is aware of his behavior at this point. I want to move out of state to be by my sister but he refuses to move. He will speak to me like I’m a piece of crap and later say that’s how people fight. Sometimes he does it in front of my daughter. So he thinks it’s ok to make me feel small and worthless…. And apparently let my child think those things about me too. How do I start a divorce if I know his family will turn my daughter ( my only real family/joy in my life) against me? I’m afraid I’ll be left with nothing. I have debt to pay off before I can think of paying a lawyer and I can’t stay here and go through a divorce. My daughter will need to spend time with his family so I can work…. And the brainwashing will begin.

    1. Anom

      Sounds very familiar. The drinking, the name calling and the impressionable children. Married 10 yrs and I get called all sorts of names when he is angry mostly dumb, lazy f*#king C*#t. Never know how he is going to be when he comes home. The smallest things trigger him. I always try make excuses in my head for his behaviour and i can’t talk to anyone about it. I feel very alone and embarassed. He has gotten physical with me but mainly just smashes things up in the house and mainly belong to me. He does what he wants, goes where he wants and says what he wants but what I say means absolutely nothing. I not sure if the way i just take it and ignore it till it blows over is my reaction to not caring anymore or maybe it is effecting me more then i realise. If i didn’t have little kids I would of been gone years ago.

  145. Anonymous

    How about, I will call your boss and get you fired or he secertly video records you at tour worst and plans to use it aginst you to get the kids.

  146. Anonymous

    Imagine having an abusive father and brother. Makes you lose faith in men, God and life sometimes. Have to hold on though isn’t the end.

  147. Anonymous

    Sad Thing is he has done almost everything on this entire list. We have been together 5 years. I’m trying to get him out of my house. He is an alcoholic and has taken awhile to figure out how mentally messed up he is. But it is strange that he fits everything on that list. And there are other men like him. I have never been with an abuser before and I’m 45 I’m trying to get him out of my home it’s completely insane dangerous all that I know when he is gone I will need some counseling

    1. I wrote a message on here in May of 2014 I was scared out of my mind and this was a place to let my feelings go . Well here it is over a year and for me I fought to the end to never let that man back in my life . My day in court finally came I faced him ,looked in him in the eye and took back my life in every sense of the way. I feel good and relieved and I will be okay.

      I gave an impact statement to the judge that put the court room in tears. I got my point across very clear. I was very violently attacked, a knife to my throat, my body broken and bruised, my home destroyed, my family threatened, he even threw my dog threw a glass window. Stabbed all the phones, my tables, my counters, cut up the bed. I was called every dirty name imaginable.

      In Washington state you get a slap on the hand for dv which is pretty much all he got. He plead so he got a 5 year restraining order, paid back restitution for the things he broke (unfortunately he broke a lot of things that couldn’t be replaced ) and he has to move to California. What justice is that?

      He already had another woman in the court room with him I assume his new punching bag. If she doesn’t run after hearing what he has done she is as crazy as he is. He tried lying to the judge and saying he had never had charges of domestic violence before and the judge nailed him. He said Mr. Gulliford you have been convicted 10 times and spent 2 years in prison in Idaho and ordered to classes for a year and have been to AA. That made me happy that at least he had to admit to that or the judge would have thrown him in jail for contempt. I do feel he should have went to prison for what he did to me but that is our laws.

      Women that have have been abused need to walk away no matter how hard it is and how much you think they will stop because of love or what ever else excuse you make up to justify staying with these violent abusive creeps. Stop the violence and the abuse by stopping it the first time. I don’t care who you are no one deserves to ever be treated that way.

      If we could put out more money putting them away for a long time instead of putting the money in safe houses and motels and counseling then you could get away from these abusers. They couldn’t keep controlling everything. Also the restraining orders should go both ways which I believe would stop people from going back also. So many can’t let go for whatever reason but if you faced jail time and fines then I bet it might help stop you from thinking you love them, you made them angry, they won’t do it again. Let’s all empower ourselves and fight to change these laws and never give these abusers a chance to repeat their abusive patterns over and over.

      I went to some gun classes and I have learned to protect myself because right now our laws don’t protect us. I know that at 5 ft 1 and 115 lbs I am an equal to any size person that wants to cause me harm. Him or no one else will ever do that to me again. I am going to join groups and I am going to do everything in my power to change our laws. I am going to volunteer to try and make woman understand they need to walk away the first time and never let it happen again.

      Love yourself enough to never let someone hurt you, control you, manipulate you, etc. You are worth more. Find honest, kind caring love and settle for nothing less. Thank you and stay smart and strong.

      Much love sent to all it does get better but you have to make it happen.

  148. Melissa Williams

    Hate seeing my daughter put herself through this again and again. Wish she would listen. Can’t stand to see her destroy herself. This time told her to stay away until she is truly ready to leave him.

  149. Anonymous

    Well….in 25 years of marriage, I trully believe I’ve heard 99.9 % of the above.
    Adding that is rare blood type was better than mine. I was commun and inssessed….
    And he did get arrested for the abuse as well as assault and battery. A restraining order against him of 3 years did not bothered him a bit. For he had a misstress lined up to replace. Let along he used friends and other sorces to keep on hurting me raven when I was moved away. He kept the new house free and clear of debt. The Fort just concentrated on collecting fines against his crime and forgot all about me and my injury. I got nothing y out of the divorce. He emptied the joint account taking near 70,000.00 dollars. His crooked lawyer was a thief just like him.
    But I’m alive. I am still coping with the harassment from individuals that know him.
    More threghtening is that I have been single for 8 years and my luck is that The men that I meet act like him . So it makes it impossible to have a relationship in a small town where men act grosselly and think we are objects for their needs

  150. F3dup

    Gets into my phone because he thinks I cheat, makes fake profiles on dating sites to try to make me look like a liar. Is jelous of the time I spend with my kids and makes rude sarcastic remarks when they enter the room. Blames me for all our problems, tells me I don’t care and don’t love him and I never did.

    1. Woah – I haven’t heard of that one before… making fake profiles of you on dating sites?! That is a horrible thing to do to someone. And I’ll bet he accuses you of creating these profiles and sounds like he thinks you did it. I mean, he sounds convincing to the point that if he took a lie detector test, he could pass it.

      Be careful and search yourself often. Contact the dating sites and ask them to remove the profiles. Cyberbullying and stalking are two things dating sites shouldn’t want to get caught up in. I hope.

  151. Sam

    I am a man an my wife does the same thing to me. I pay child support to my ex-wife , my wife now gets mad and says things like that bitch is getting her money. Last year she started a fight hit me in the face with her phone. I took it from her and pitched it than she punched me in my eye as I was trying to leave. I extended my arm out to keep her from hitting me in my face again. She got even more mad than called the cops on me and told them that I was choking her .we all know what happened next.

    1. I’m so sorry, Sam.

  152. alice

    My ex lies all the time to me even when he is caught up into the lies.
    Then he threatens me saying I am going to lose my guitar if I dont take him back.
    He also says I am going to hell. He tries to control my thoughts and true to push me to saying something negative back.

  153. Jean

    This is exactly what my husband says and does.
    I know I have to leave him.

  154. lisa

    His famous line he is the only person in my life that ever loved or cared about me my family ,kids don’t love me

  155. K.

    I think by nature, most of us are caring and want to see the good in others and sometimes in our journey we come across abusive people and it is hard to let go if we were brought up in an abusive up bringing. I had a friend who was an emotional manipulator and I knew this. I saw the signs right away. My problem is that I know what is going on, but I feel sorry for them on what happened to them to be this way. I’m female and the person I’m talking about also female. She did get a good one on me at the end. I always stood up for myself and I knew her tactics and what she was going to say before she said it. She was very easy to read through my eyes. A lot of people were fooled, but not I. I let her know I didn’t want to be her friend anymore, I got tired of her head games and lies, yet I still felt sorry for her. She went to the extreme to go behind my back and tell all these lies and half truths to my best friend. That I was so hurt that my best friend of 20/yrs believed her. That’s were she got me. Because at this point no matter what, I’m very hurt that my best friend didn’t know me better than that. As far as the abuser, she is a coward because I went to confront her and she was 2 afraid to talk with me. (go figure) Any suggestions about my best friend?

    1. Continue trying to talk to her. Don’t focus on how rotten the emotional manipulator is, but how you love her and wish she would give you a chance to talk. Invite her to coffee or something. Emotional manipulators know how to get to the heart of the matter – they know how to make you hurt. Your E.M. must have found your best friends soft spot. Be patient, but don’t give up.

  156. Anonymous

    I been in this confusing conversation.. embarrassment turn thing around blame me for everything turn his family against me turn everything around calls names hit punch even say thing I say that describe him then use same word to turn around like he describe me to other

  157. Anonymous

    Most of these things are happening to me

  158. Jaime

    Amazing how many times I said “yep” as I looked through this list. Even if I have solid evidence right in front of my face about him watching pornography, he still insists I am crazy and says he didn’t watch it. Gets drunk and blames the alcohol for the reason he beats me. So sick and tired of being sick and tired. Currently 5 months pregnant and have two kids with him as well… just lost and don’t know what to do!!

  159. bree

    My Husband will say very ugly things to me then will ask me why I have an attitude at first I dont say anything then he just keeps on I try to tell him the things he said hurt me he denied ever saying it tells me I just make stuff up or thats not what I said. I cant go no where with out my phone ringing constantly even when I am at home the same thing he doesnt what me around my family but he will stay down stairs and just ignore me I love my Husband but I dont know what to do. I became disable in 2009 when a tractor trailor hit me I dont know if he is a narcissist , Bipolar, or just abusive any ideas?

  160. Anonymous

    I have always encourage and cheered my husband’s dreams, last night I mentioned i will apply to scholarships so i can pay for school and get my accounting degree, he laughed at me and said you will never get a scholarship and why are you taking the easy way out. I feel so stupid.

  161. Annominous

    Omg,, I could have written this myself
    Almost everything has happened and happening to me in this list.
    He now has said he’s leaving and taken my wedding rings from me which were in my drawer.
    Was spat on, something he hasn’t done before
    I can’t think of anything more repulsive
    I believe he is getting worse, so much anger and aggressive behaviour it’s not real. He loses his breath and spits of his mouth when shouting

  162. anonymous

    so my ex threatening to kill himself if i left is abuse and telling me i live in a fantasy world for having friends i trust? what about him masturbating in front of me making me feel so uncomfortable cos i didnt want sex and he did?

  163. Alicia

    My abuser never blamed himself for anything and always degraded me and my children. Called me every name in the book from A-Z on a consistent level.

  164. He will always tell me I don’t show him enough attention. I’ll ask him why he’s saying these things to me and he’ll say if you show me as much attention as you did yr fuck boy maybe I wouldn’t act this way. He does not know how to speak rationally. He screams so loud I know the neighbors hear him. He never goes two days in a row being nice. We divorced and I tried to move on with my life but when he found out I was dating someone he sucked me back in. We don’t even live together and I still let him treat me this way. I don’t understand why i’m letting this happen. After we have sex sometimes he’ll call me lame fuck because he can sense I didn’t enjoy it. He’ll always tell me if I don’t like it get the fuck out and move on.

  165. Carmen jonhson

    Husband telling is wife go and get more education and feel better about yourself fucking insecure if and you can leave fucking also I don’t care.

  166. Anonymous

    Such brave women. Reading these stories tonight helped me. Thank you

  167. Luann

    I am verbally abused my man tells me dirty things like all I good for is to skin up my big stink cunt, he often sleeps in another room when having sex no romance just do what he have to do and come off.

  168. Anonymous

    So scary and so true. Recently out of an abusive relationship that started immediately. Only 4 months in. Crazy ex drug addict. Made verbal attacks towards me, my family and my child. I’m too good for this. I’m done.

  169. Kari

    This was the hardest thing to read. I knew in my heart the way he treated me was wrong but this was almost verbatim. I’m in shock

    1. Paige

      It’s amazing and awful at the same time. We know in our hearts something is wrong and then it’s like a slap to the face to find out that it’s abuse and just HOW MUCH of it we face daily… people like to tell you oh it’s in your head, or that’s normal, but they don’t realize that it’s not just one thing, it’s many. The negative comments, the disrespect, the blame….

      Hopefully you are out of that relationship now. I’m working on getting out of mine. I have known he was abusive for almost 2 years now, but I always seem to forget about it and pretend everything is fine. I can’t fall for his lies and promises that he will change if I come back to him. This will be the 3rd time I leave. Let’s hope it sticks. Third times the charm.

  170. anonymous

    I have been married for a year now we used to the perfect couple then one day to the next he just changed. I told him my biggest secret abaout my stepfather tried to abuse me sexually when i was little and he always throws it in my face saying”why sont you just go with your stepfather so he can finish you and all kind of things. He says its my falt hes sick that im crazy i need mental help that nobody is ever going to love me. That my stepfather traumatised me and made me crazy. He says so many things to me that i feel like just dying i feel worthless..

  171. bunny

    You are crazy, that’s why you need pills your a bipolar bitch . I hope you die in your sleep. Your are dumb and inadequate. You have no one in your corner. You are the devil. Your son is gay. I’m taking my daughter. You’ll never see you kids again.why are you so fuckin dumb and useless. Your a whole whore

  172. pointofview

    all I can say is one mans abuse is another mans self defense. I’m not justifying violence. violence is intolerable. ive walked away from more fights than I can recall. not mean spirited in the least. I was so confident in my ability to control my reactions that in my naïve vision I thought that I could handle being torn apart, damn near verbally deatomized again and again by my detoxing on again and off again addict of a bf. Id be better off now if he had just physically abused me instead of shredding my soul to pieces with essentially words. its been two years since our incident. I was released and was informed that charges in my case were not going to be pursued. he had reverse charges levied on him by the state that lead to negative sentencing on his behalf. I kicked him out a year later after moving him across country at his request. He is now living in my home town, uncle to my child hood friends kids employed at my old job in a commited relationship with my “wrong place wrong time” guy. me, straight up self abuse and sabatoge thoroughly ruining whatever shimmer remains of the bright future that everyone insisted I was headed for. Question: Who is the victim?

  173. Rayelle Bishop

    I am Rayelle and I have to live in a disastrous relationship. I am in poverty and no jobs hiring in my small town. Although, I am single, I am threatened by cops abd my ex that I luxe with and his friends. if I leave him, he will commit me to the state or his friends will.I live in Cherokee Village, Arkansas. My number is I need someone to talk to. Just the other night, he told me that I could hang out
    with his friends. Then when I got home, he hounded me verbally. And when I cried the next night he cane out of hid room swearing to me because my crying woke him up. He purposely sat on my glasses and wouldn’t get off them until I almost hit him. Then I sat and stomped his. I just wanted him to see how physical and verbal abuse us. He still couldn’t see it.He has choked me twice and nearly broke my wrist three times. My dad pestered my mother dying of sepsis, two years back, And the cops made me the ward of the state instead of putting him in a nursing home and kicked me put if Arkansas, There’s no counselors here who believe me but my bfn th st I’d like to get sway from, his friends stalk me and one if them rapped me Be threaten if I told that they’d kill me in his house. the cops didn’t believe me, and neither do the process pro bono lawyers in Arkansas. Plus, I’m getting harassed by social workers and cops at church or the library wanting to put me in a group home. One person that told me that she lived in Birch Tree wanted to be my friend and escaped and they caught her. I’m scared if leavibg, I already changef ny name two years ago Oki after breaking up with another abusive ex here. Should I legally change my name again abd get out? Last night he denied in purposely sitting down on my glasses and crushed them, I haven’t a car or a license, And I have no job, no friends or family to help je, they all know how he us. but they say that he is itching have me. help ne, I know that I can do better. he told me tonight if he knowledge I’m talking to, he will hurt me bad. I wish to finish second semester of high school but I get abused so bad at the library to,his friends abd then with him alone.

  174. AlyZen

    My abusive ex partner asked me after I’d given birth to our son, “Why have all your friends gone back to their pre-pregnancy body, while you still look like a fat baby whale?” Another time he said I was pathetic and had no friends and was all alone in this world. He would spend all day and night in bars getting drunk and chain-smoking, then crawl home and pass out on the front steps or the couch, if he made it into the house. Then when I tried to persuade him to go to bed to sleep, he would get physically abusive and try to choke me. When I broke up with him, he threatened to wait for me round the corner and slit my throat and take my child. He even charmed 2 of my friends into spying on me and reporting my movements to him. He stopped paying the mortgage on our house right away, knowing full well I was not working as I was on a Career Break. When I asked for Child Support, he said OK but never paid, so I had to get a Court Order to force him to sacrifice his salary. 3 times he said he would pay, twice he failed to turn up in Court for the hearing, then the Judge made a decision. After just 10 months paying Child Support, he stopped and I had to get the Court to investigate why. He’d made himself unemployed to try to escape paying Child Support.

  175. Deb

    I am so relieved that I found this suport site, I breathe a little easier now to be sure, as many others do as well. I saved this page as I did not see anywhere to register, but will return & sign up for a mentor! : )

  176. Heather

    Telling his teenage and early adult aged children I am a psycho bitch. Cheated on me with his ex during their separation, while living with me and says he never cheated on me because we weren’t married yet. Tells his kids lies about me or VERY exaggerated truths to make them feel sorry for him and hate me. Physically abuses me in front of my children. Now, my 16 year old daughter will come “check” on me if he hears him yelling and screaming at me (daily), then verbally abuses her by mocking her and putting her down for checking on me. Later, he “punishes” her by shaming and humiliating her to others or in public and will pour his love and affection out on his biological daughter, in front of my daughter, (who has only known my husband as her only father since she was 6), to make her feel worthless and unworthy of his love or affection. He kicked us out last summer, called my daughter a worthless porker, challenged my son to fight him and when I moved, he told everyone I left him and we were separated so he could justify his going out to bars, etc. I could write a book with the life I’ve lived since being married to him. The crazy part is, I sincerely love him and continue to pray for healing. In the meantime, I’ve subjected my poor children to horrible abuse. ????

  177. Anonymous

    My boyfriend started off by swearing and telling me to fuck off, slowly it progressed and got worse and worse and worse. He now tells me he’s wishes that I would die and that he hates me. He has spat at me, he has physically crushed me when I was playing with him to a point where I took hold of his hair to pull him off me and I was close to passing out when he finally let go. It hurt so much it set my shoulder out of place. I thought my head would explode. He calls me a ‘fucking cunt’ to my face at a dinner party. He has told me to shut up more times than I could possibly remember. He calls me stupid and financially unstable. He calls me a psycho. He has strangled me so hard during sex that I bruised and couldn’t speak the next day. I am so brainwashed into thinking he gives me a wonderful life. I am so confused. I absolutely hate him but I love my life with him. I feel I am stuck in limbo and can’t leave because he has locked me into his life with him. I don’t know what to do. He uses cocaine all the time and drinks at least one bottle of wine by himself every single night. Sometimes he is so gentle but 80 % of the time he is just something that plummeted out of my worst nightmare. Help me

  178. Anonymous

    I can’t really believe I’m about to post on here. I don’t think I can bring myself to admit I am in a verbal/emotionally abusive relationship. I feel silly.
    There are so many things on te list above that I’ve said E&D to things that have made me start crying. I know that this may seem weak but I still love my partner and I think I still think maybe he can be different, maybe I’ve made him this way or maybe I’m the one that’s in the wrong.
    It started with shouting and the only way to make the constant arguing stop was to just agree. To tell him I was wrong, I was a bad person and I knew I had to change. This continued. He denied watching porn, I never minded this I have no issue with it but I couldn’t understand why he would deny it. He would write to other women and I was just a jealous insecure girlfriend. Yes I was jealous and I was insecure and I wanted him to help me not to be but he would tell me my feelings didn’t matter when they weren’t real. He tells me anything that I say is not real and not based on reality.
    Apparently I don’t go through a process or make the process matter and until I do we will always have a problem.
    I’ve tried, I’ve tried to be who he wants me to be. Then I’ll feel frustrated and try and stick up for my beliefs and quickly wish I hadn’t. He calls me names and he has referred to me as two people. He will use my name Rose (not real name) and refer to that as the nice one and Cunt as the person that has over taken Rose.
    He has spat at me, broken my things, sat on me until I go through the process, blocked my exit from the room I’m in.
    He buys himself things when shopping to eat or drink and doesn’t consider me, he cooks for himself and not me.
    However, he does cook for me too. He does buy me little gifts and he does look after me. This is where I get confused and think maybe I’m just the one being problematic?
    He used to withhold sex for a few days after a fight. He knows that hurts me. Yet recently I left him after being scared by his behaviour (not preciously witnessed) and my safety and when we met up in public he fought with me, blamed me and got me to the point of crying and feeling totally lost to then being nice. Hugging me and telling me he misses me and regardless of the problem he loves me more than anything and wants me home. I stupidly went home with him and we had sex. I know that was stupid.I know that makes me a bad person because it’s not fair on him.
    I’m giving out confusing information.

    I’ve told him how he hurts me. It usually turns to how I’ve done wrong and he will ask me to repeat conversations and he knows I can’t.I then get accused of not listening or wanting to be better and solve problems.

    I feel so confused. I don’t really know what to do. I have a wonderful family and I could just go straight to them. Why am
    I still here. I may not be physically living with him but I’m still within his grasp.

    I just keep thinking maybe he isn’t the person I think he is, maybe I’m the crazy one?

  179. Anonymous

    I have been in my relationship for nearly 4yrs. At first, I thought I was being overly sensitive (or at least that what he said I was) but it’s getting worse. He calls me slut, whore, lazy.. basically every name in the book. He tries to get me to react by getting in my face about how to do things correctly around the house because he says I’m like a child that needs to be taught. When he’s mad at anything or someone, his anger is always towards me and somehow everything becomes my fault. One minute he’s being funny the next minute, he wants to choke me. Then tells me he is just joking and that I am being a baby. He’s thrown me a couple of times, and has bruised me because he held me so tight, but never punched when mad only when he wants to rough house and he uses me as his punching bag. He then tells me that I bruise easily and that the markings are my fault and because I am a baby. I don’t know what else to do. I cook, clean, i have to give him a manicure and pedicure, massage his feet, rub his back, wash his clothes exactly how he wants and yet, he finds it funny when he pushes me because he says it’s too easy. I feel like I am stuck and he knows it. I cant get my own place because of my credit (lets just say i was in another relationship just like this and it took years to get out as well as ruining my credit). No one will rent to me, so I need him and he knows it. I make well over six figures and yet I cant afford anything because he tells me I have to buy everything or he will kick me out of the house.

    Never, in a million years I thought I’d end up in these kind of relationship. I thought I escaped from my abuser BUT only to enter another abusive relationship. How is it that a smart girl like myself who is professionally successful cant seem to find a successful relationship. I am embarrassed, ashamed and depressed. I just don’t know what else to do.

  180. Anonymous

    Yes I’ve experienced most of the above. Pretty scary when I read these words.

  181. Anonymous

    Great information.completely accurate.would like to add the line” your crazy! Its all in your head,your just looking for something to be mad about.”that is what all my abusers said to me..

  182. Anonymous

    Was horrified when I read this. Pretty much all of it applied to me. My partner does most of these things. It’s not until you see it in writing that you realise just how low he has taken you, and how sad you really are. It’s a big wake up call.

  183. Anonymous

    Sounds like my guy!

  184. Anonymous

    This was a great article. I appreciated it. I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years, starting when I was 15. It ended two years ago because my husband committed suicide. I got together with man about a year ago, and I find myself constantly paranoid that I might be falling back into the same dynamic — which is why I am reading this article. I have been with my boyfriend for sometime, and honestly, I do not believe he is abusive, but I keep becoming terrified, and don’t know how to get over it. Every time he gets upset about anything. Every time he becomes a little jealous. I don’t know whether I am taking small things as big signposts, or ignoring big signposts because I’m afraid of being paranoid. He has some of the characteristics of an abusive man. He tends to feel jealous, he talks a lot about the future even though it feels too soon, etc. But, he has never hurt me, even though we have been close for a year now. I want to be able to trust him, but I am afraid of doing so. I do believe I started a new relationship too soon — I didn’t really intend to, it just kind of happened — but at this point, I love him, and doin’t want to back out. Have you (anyone here) ever had the experience of trying to start a new relationship, after years of being in an abusive one, and being afraid like this. How do you know whether your fears are valid or just the result of your past?

  185. Kb

    I feel like I am in a verbally abusive relationship. For the most part we really get a long. We don’t fight often. But, if I am ever upset about something, he quickly turns it around on me, twists my words, turns the argument larger then it ever needed to be and threatens to leave. I feel like I am not allowed to be upset or the one who is angry. I honestly don’t know when I was ever the one who was able to be mad. Even when he has done something blantently wrong it ends up being an entire new argument about something different.

    Now we are engaged and I am pregnant. I need to know how to deal with him when he threatens that he is going to leave and attacks and my character. Crying doesn’t make him feel bad at all. Instead he tells me I am crying just to make him feel bad. I wish it would… But I cry because he honestly hurts my feelings so bad. We will go months of being so in love and having so much fun together and then in one argument he will tell me he hates being around me. It really hurts. My emotions are on overdrive with being pregnant. I feel alone now in the pregnancy because he hasn’t even taken time to think about what I am going through. I need advice. His threats are damaging and he shuts me out and won’t even talk rationally.

  186. Megan

    I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year now. My boyfriend is great when he’s happy, but if I do anything to upset him his temper is set off. I’m a very strong opinionated person so if I’m ever disrespected, I’ll say so. Sometimes well most times he gets angry, he starts saying very nasty things to me. Things like I’m crazy, I need crazy pills, I’m a cube bitch slut etc. I have a hard time brushing that off. So the next day I remember all of the things he says and it’s hard for me to be nice. So I turn around and piss him off again and it’s a huge cycle. Unfortunately 4 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis and have had to go through surgery and treatments and this has caused even more abuse because now I’m using my illness as an excuse, I’m lazy, I’m useless and he can find someone better. He very rarely comforts me or takes interest in what is going on with my health. But then he says he is there for me and I just don’t see it. He tells me how much he loves me and how wonderful I am but then the next day he will deny any of it and say I’m not worth doing nice things for. Now I’m mean abs unhappy and I’m staring to think I am crazy.

  187. Anonymous

    My husband says his 16 year old natural daughter falls into the Fucked up category. Then he said so did my 8 year old son. He is a self absorbed man and emotionally not real availabile. Since he said this I’m not sure I want to stay married to him.

  188. J

    I tried to leave my ex. He threatened to destroy my things as I was packing and putting them in the car. Then he cornered me in the house so I called 911. He left me go outside. I was on the phone with 911 for ten minutes. When the police arrived one went in the house with him and one stayed outside with me. I told them I just wanted him to have to leave for a few hours so I could get my things out of the house. Then I found out while I was outside waiting for the police to arrive he was inside cutting himself with scissors. He told them I did it and I was arrested. I spent the night in jail until my grandmother bailed me out. I was not allowed back into my home. Everything I had packed in my car, he unpacked and put back into the house. He played games about giving me my things back. I was only allowed a little bit. Then he used the upcoming hearing to get me to come back to him saying the only way he would drop the charges is if I was with him. The charges were dropped but a month later he attacked me and when the police showed up he had tried to cut himself again, only this time they didn’t believe him and since I had bruises, he was arrested. That was a month ago. He is still there. Karma is a bitch. I’m so glad to be done with him. I never want to go back.

  189. Jo

    im thinking of leaving my abuser but feel so guilty. When i read about all these things,i know i have to, its not normal for someone to call their partner a dumb f**k, paranoid sh*t, f**king idiot, says things like i will beat the living crap out of you (of course it was a joke) regularly mention all the women making passes, tell me i have to stay home to look after her, then yell at me for not having a job.

  190. Anonymous

    My boyfriend to a t… I know it’s wrong and that I don’t deserve it, I know I’m a better person that. The saddest part is it’s the same with so many people and yet so many stay with them…

  191. Kat

    I’m 22 years old with 1 child and my sons father fits right into this profile. My son is now 11 months old and from the time I decided to give up everything and move in with him he’s displayed EVERY single one of these signs. Even while pregnant he had attacked me and I’ve continually felt like there is nothing I can do about it I have just been stuck here praying and hoping I can just survive this relationship long enough to get out he refuses to let me get a job and the money I do get is assistance from the state for me and my son and he takes it and he’ll but a big box of diapers and a box of wipes for my son and then take and spend the rest he won’t by me or my son new clothes ( I’m a lot bigger than I was when I got pregnant and am forced to wear clothes that no longer fit that he complains about constantly or asks where I think we are going to get the money for it?) He knows he has me trapped into a corner and I’m fighting like hell just to keep my head above water with this man. I’m so terrified that I have put my foot down to leave and said I want to go on a few occasions and he always figures out just how to guilt me into staying he threatens suicide or to take my son from me through courts. He makes me have my address at a different one from where we live and then threatens to screw me over by telling about it. I have a potential opportunity to leave and once I know it is a for sure thing I’d like to. This nice older lady is willing to help me by watching my child and even going so far as to give me her car so long as I take her to her Dr’s appointments and surgery’s for her cancer. My biggest question is how do I plan it to where I can leave safely without him trying to hurt me or the people who will be helping me move? Should I wait for him to leave and fill up the trucks and just go (no note or anything?) Or should I have him there and call a police officer or 2 to come sit there? What do I do if he trys to follow me to my new place? He also has his friends convinced that I’m a terrible person and wanting to cause harm to me my family and my best friends (basically anyone who has helped me while in this horrid nightmare I’ve called a relationship for 2 years) should I out him to his friends and show them the pictures and video proof of the abuse I suffered at his hands (through Facebook or something I wouldn’t dare approach in person about it)? I wanted to leave today and he was able to smooth it over in that way he does to make it seem like everything is going to be ok but as much as my heart tells me to believe him I have that tiny voice in my head telling me its just gonna happen again and it’ll be even worse than the last time

  192. Michell Griffis

    My husband does at Least one thing in each Category. He’s the best man in the world. Everyone hates me and threatens to come kick my ass. Everyone loves him wants him as a best friend or lover!!! I AM SO HAPPY TO READ THIS! Almost verbatim.

  193. Anonymous

    Yes my abuser yelled at me a lot telling me to Shut Up. Squeezed Me Tight letting me know he was Stronger Than Me, played mind games like switching up my words so that he could stay mad at me.

  194. Ashley

    I have been married to my husband for 8 years, we have been together for almost 11 years. Previously I was in a four year relationship with another man who was everything mentioned above. He physically abused me, tried to kill me in my sleep one night by slamming a mans work boot on my face while I was sleeping. Except I woke up gagging on the blood running down my throat, in confusion, ran to the bathroom only to have him show up and pretend to care, apologizing. He choked me on many occasions, holding me, feet kicking up against walls. Sexually abused me, mentally drained me, and cheated on me in real life and with internet relationships (these happened while I was laying in bed next to him sleeping/not sleeping). Giving me sexually transmitted diseases, which ultimately led to my infertility. It took my mother lots of courage and bravery to set me free. Without her love and persistence in getting me to leave that situation, because believe me i was so brainwashed I thought it was all my fault.

    Now it seems I’m noticing the same things are starting to happen to me again. He has always been a bit high strung and “my way or the highway” , but in the past two years we can’t even get through one day without him flipping out on me for something. Even as small as trying to talk to him while he is watching jeopardy or when he is zoning out on social media. I think My current husband is addicted to social media. He comes home from work and spends the entire night ignoring me and zoning out on his phone. He snaps at me in public places & out of the blue in private. Always using condescending tones of authority to talk to me. Even if I whisper and talk quietly to him. I am walking on glass with everything I say. He has pushed me down twice. Screamed at me telling me he knows why my former used to beat me and that I make him want to beat me too.

    He told me a few months back that he is starting to resent me for my infertility. I also suffer from a condition known as pcos. Which hinders my fertility even more than the scarring which occurred from infections from my abusive boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I had a miscarriage last week, & I am dreading the thought of him resenting me more. He is aware of this.

    Every week just about we get into a huge arguement over some of the verbal abuse he gives me & he tells me he can’t take me anymore and he’s sick of my shit, but he never leaves. I’ve got to admit, I am very insecure with his addiction to social media from the things that have happened to me in the past. Last year I did a very bad thing, but our sex lives had changed a lot, so j snooped on his phone and noticed a ton of porn sites. When I confronted him about it he said he had to do this to arouse himself to have sex with me. I explained how I felt about it. I lost 20lbs more, still a plump girl at size 14. He told me he would stop. Our sex lives have changed.

    I am jealous of how much time he spends on his device. I get maybe 30 minutes of quality time with him a night, usually marred by him shouting at me and conversation stops. He will then be in his device or ignoring me watching tv until bed, all the while laughing and having a jolly time likening FB friends statuses creeping on girls he went to school with, etc. if I try to get any attention he shouts at me to shit the fuck up and to leave him alone.

    Sigh… He told me tonight he is sick of feeling like I’m always accusing him of trying to cheat on me. Which is not really to issue. I want his attention yes, I am his spouse. I do corner him and ask him uncomfortable questions on occasions. Tonight came after we were watching tv and I tried talking to him and he screamed in my ear to shut the duck up. The tv had just turned to talking about superwoman. With sexy cartoon images. So I upset blamed it on the tv topic. Bad move, but true.

    About two months ago our dog became sick one night at dinner time. I was worried as he was acting strangely. My media addicted husband refused to observe the dog with me. Telling me I was crazy, that the dog was fine. When I was more convinced my dog was not fine, he told me he would go put a bullet in his head if I didn’t shut up about the dog. When I kept interrupting his tv shows and internet time he started his own tantrum screaming at me, scaring my sick dog more, slamming doors, telling me he wanted a divorce. He hated the dog, etc. I was crying begging him on my knees not to leave me, he shut me out. i let it go, because I had to bring my dog into the er. I didn’t listen to him. He came along for the ride telling me that if we had to put him down we could never have another dog again. & I had to put my beloved pet down as he had flipped his stomach. I laid on the floor crying with my live dead in my arms. My husband shed a few tears sitting up in his chair. I think my husband really thought they were going to tell me the dog was fine so that he could hang the $ it cost us on a vet bill over my head as usual. Which he has told all of our families about how expensive it was. But when I had to put my baby (no children ) down he realized he was an ass. He had been nice to me from then until about last week. It’s been 6 weeks. Then he has reverted back to the verbal abuse and pretending like I don’t exist. It’s been so terrible, especially without my dog who used to give me the love I wasn’t getting from my husband.

    Is it me folks? I do like to push issues until he is sick of hearing about it. That one is true, but I don’t call him names and I treat him like a king. I get ignored and verbally accosted when I disrupt his “me time”. Am I crazy?! Will this work?! Should I kick him out? I learned to fight for my rights after my last relationship so part of me wonders if my fight/flight instincts are causing me grief. I’ve asked him to go to therapy with me, and he told me I could go since I was the crazy one, but he didn’t need to. I’m starting to feel depressed, as I’ve wasted 11 years of my life & I truly do love this man… What are your thoughts?

  195. Ginger

    My husband fits with many of these posts n comments. Im about to file for divorce. We are going to marriage counseling. He might hav jail time and fines if come march he hasnt complied with our counseling and hos meetings. He is an alcoholic. It hurts. Promises broken. Ive turned into him partially in decending myself or my family. I ended up w 4 staples in my head last sept. Wecwere arguing over hurtful things he had said I went for a walk. Went back to the hotel n still we argued. I followed him outside he went to smoke, I hit him with a pillow n I went to vo to our room I never made it. He pushed me past it. Manager wouldnt let me leave. There was a partial witness. I was bleeding, hands were sore n swollen, my right knee is still sore. I was bruised to the bone. Off work. Had to work on my balance. Still dont feel 100%. Should I have my head examined. He says mean n cruel things. I could go on for hours. Breaks my things. Hes 44 im 52 I feel i have an rebelus teen. None of my kids were this hard at all. He cant drive cause of dwi’s. Very emotional this has left me.

  196. Anonymous

    Just about majority of the list from top to bottom. I have witnessed I haven’t spoken to my ex it’ll be 2 yrs. I miss him after everything and I realized that I will always love him because I have a good heart and I wish him the very best& I pray for him everyday. I think if this is happening to you don’t be scared to move on and leave this person behind abuse is not love, let go and move on it just keeps getting better and better everyday you will see you just have to believe in yourself and be strong xo

  197. noname86

    Being called stupid, thick, wirthless. Called a prostitute because you have 2 kids from different relationship. Told tgat you n kids mean f**k all too them. Being told if you dont shut up you will have your teeth smashed into the back of your throat.
    Being told tgat your a cheap slut tgat sleeps with everyone.
    Having all your friends taken away and isolayed from family.
    Making you feel you had to wuit your job ad men are there.
    Being told you would have nothing wothout them.
    Laighing at you about medical issues.
    Yea…lifes fun

  198. Ruby red35

    You dumb bitch u whore ur kids are just like u but they learned from the best.tells me i sucked and fucked to get the stuff i have now

  199. I have been married 33 years since January 1981, I am married to a man that finds nothing to feel joy about in life, Could not be happy for me finding every three years a way to get uncompressed from his demands of equality, sex, time off, holidays, and weekends. It just always seemed to myself and his father and many friends there were so many other people that had important things to do with the time my husband could supply with his work, and in his life. I was always in a yelling match about why didn’t he consider a vacation between January the second and February the fourteenth, He did not have to take the same as I did when I went to places like Rome, Athens, Ireland, England , Paris, Even if he just stayed home for his vacation it was still out of every ones way. Then in 2001 it started to be please the next time he could go just don’t push his rights this time and hurt any one else,
    That was after he took a job bid his father and others felt should go to a much younger man because he had political connections, He sent four men to critical care from our front porch when they were going to put him in his place. I ended up with a broken ankle that morning because I locked him out to a least talk to them, The next thing I knew they jumped my husband and he went combat training on them leaving our porch a blood bath. My husband only had a bruise and the front door and frame exploded into my face and he informed me he would kill me the next time I tried getting him hurt.
    Its been 33 years of trying to find an acceptable middle ground. In 2009 he had 5 weeks vacation coming with his 34 years seniority. A new man in my husbands department married in a white shotgun situation but he had less than three years seniority. He needed the trip on the orient express for his honey moon. He also needed the time slot my husband had. I remembered that my husband and I had started out with him being sent to sea for three and a half years and we never had a sex life. the bride was two months gone and w3hen I went to Bavaria in 2006 without my husband to let another couple have the time I had promised on a stack of bibles I would make sure the orient express trip was his even if I had to stand against his father and other wish’s. His father took my husbands boarding pass, reservation confirmation. and passport out of his computer case to let this couple go instead. We called his union minister and steward to come be in the airport when my husband found out he was not getting another vacation his father gave me the cash to hold until January. to prevent another time like the first time in 1987 when I had promised any time any where. and any way I would go as a willing sex partner and travel companion. have a honey moon that was six years over due. I was securing another lower seniority girl to go get married in Rome.
    When we returned in 1987 my husband was going to bump every lower seniority back three weeks and take off the day we flew in for Yosemite after we had thought he would accept three weeks in the winter in 1988. He never would take that time frame in the next 29 years. But the scene was in 2009 we went into the TSA office and he demanded his tickets and reservations and passport back< saw the younger man coming into the airport and knew he was going to be told they did not exist any longer I was crying that I was going to talk about how to get him a vacation when I returned and give him the money back in January.
    He said he was not waiting one more day for his vacation, I was not going either and wrenched my shoulder bag off my arm sending me across the office with a dislocation I found out about two weeks latter I returned from Europe with my right arm four times the size it should have been. My husband was yelling where was his passport and striping the cash. credit cards and passes out of my bag with me sitting on the floor crying, His father said shut up and settle down he could pick it up after we were gone from TSA For somebody my husband size he can cross fifteen feet in an eye blink and TSA his steward and the union minister spent several minutes prying my husbands fingers of his fathers throat getting his passport back. by ripping all his fathers pockets out, My husband did not go on the orient express. His mother was so mad at his father for taking my husbands reservations she turned hers in and asked my husband to take her home. That ruined other plans In Brussles, for a nice 50th wedding anniversary day his brother and sister set up, they did not blame my husband for being selfish they blamed me and his father for interfering with my husband again denying him a vacation when he wanted after 29 years of constant work.
    We got back to no ride home. Barely enough between everyone to get to his fathers. I was hoping on getting home to find something that my husband would accept as a makeup. but found he was not living at home, he had changed the locks and left me a note telling me that he wanted me gone, I was hurting and his father took me to the ER for my torn ACL from two weeks before. It took three weeks to get in to my husbands job just to talk. his inion steward said my husband was in bad back pain and his temper was really nasty, Up to an including telling the plant manager that a new System called Maintenance, repair and operation when he was asked by the man who thought the new system up The new plant manager. He asked my husband if he knew what MRO stood for.
    My husbands answer was it stood for mentally retarded organization. Two nights later refusing to turn over a load on direct order from the state governor. he was trying to get a disciplinary lay off. Just to get time out of the plant. Everyone saw the attempt and refused to bite but did say after the first of the year he was retiring. I was let back into my house and he allowed me an allowance He never came home from June 2009 to October 24 2009. When me and his mother received a call he was in the ER. He was running a 102 degree tempo and was passed out on his job. Every move was met with screaming in pain A full body scan revealed an abscess in his spine A blood culture Showed it was MRSA and the scan also showed him with a partially severed and crushed cord. When he came home three years latter.
    We have tried to get him to understand that after 33 years he cant drop into traditions he had been excluded from weather it was our fault or not. He has to give us time to let him into them. Now every thing is his way. Right after he came home I was going to an event dinner with his father, mother, and his fathers best friend something I had done several times in the past. because we were making my husband work again. This time he was not going to put up with it.
    I was either going with him or I was not going, I tried telling him it was invitation only. I even handed him 100 to pick a place to meet us in four hours after the event, where we could sit and talk through his grievances of three decades Think of ways to allow him his rights over time instead of landing in the middle making everyone angry. he however careered less about taking time any longer he said I had three decades to make things right while stealing his life from him as of that evening he was taking restitution for that stolen life and I was the down payment as he ripped every stich of a new cocktail dress off me. I was begging him that it did not have to become this way, Couldn't we just talk it through I would even cancel the event and go where he decided.
    He did not stop with that , his fathers friend came to the door and got into an argument with my husband when he was not let in . My husband through him face first into the driveway right in front of his arriving mother and father. holidays and vacations since have been met with people begging him to back off then trying to force him to back off and when that happens people start bleeding. He broken his fathers jaw and neck in two seperat incidents on a memorial day holiday over his being excluded from accompanying me to a an after dinner club I was on somebody else's reservation ticket, my husband made him run for his life taking the ticket. His father slapped him for being rude to a friend and in return was backhanded across our kitchen his father thought calling the club telling the doorman not to admit my husband Set up the second terror of the evening. The doorman refused entry and started pushing my husband out on the street when he got my husband cane upside his head He woke up telling my husband who had his knee in his back and his pony tail in hand that when he got up my husband was a dead man. My husband said I guess your not getting up then and started slamming the mans face into the pavement in front of everybody that were friends The club manager came out begging my husband to stop and go on in the police just stood there saying the doorman was in the wrong. then over the Cancun vacation cruise his father absolutly did not want my husband along.
    This time I was invited to go to a breakfast before our final move west to talk about how to get my husband to stay home in 2013. Two men held my husband at pistol point to let me go for a private talk with them his father and everyone going over breakfast to talk about plans and means. I had just said this time I had already made the offer of waiting and including him on the Hawaii trip in 2018 and was flatly turned down, His father said any chance of getting his pass port And I said That and the double berth reservation were in a safe deposit in Laramie I could not get near it then his sister screamed watch out and his cane ripped the faces of the two that held him at bay a few minutes before open to the bone, The Cancun vacation did not go as I wanted period. His father came to our room with a ball bat and ended up in the hospital for a broken neck
    We were sent home before boarding. My husband is in litigation with I think the world, I had a ankle bracelet put on for the next two years for Conspiracy to deny my husbands civil rights and maintaining an Indentured servant by coercion and force as well as conspiracy. The judge said if he could he would have thrown his father me and everyone else in prison for three decades for the abuses committed against my husband for that long. His father said all he had to do was quit his job and vanish then he would have had the freedom he wanted. Why did he stay in that situation if there was something wrong, My husband pointed out the Guardianship the state assigned him because I am bi polar, He said why should he have given up a position with medical, retirement, and the other rights he should have had as well as a job that paid 31.50 an hour when he retired and that did not include the 10 percent shift premium for 3rds. He stood in front of the judge and said why should he have vanished to work fast food, gas station attendant and hobo. He told the judge we took his rights through blackmail from the day he returned from the navy. And force latter. first screaming him into work the day he arrived home then in 2001 when he was supposed to take sixty days to recover from a brain tumor surgery his father and other broke into his bedroom six days latter and pushed him into work. He asked the three judges there if they though he was being unreasonable six days off in 29 years. did not seem reasonable to him. When they came back from deliberation they stood me up told me that a court order trapped my husband in the marriage and along with his father, coworkers and others we worked that to our advantage.
    The judge asked why I would even help do that to the man I married. All I could think to answer it was started just to let things stabilize on his return home in 1985 which still feels like yesterday. I said then it was the ho0pe we could make things up to him, but his defiance to the social order was the thing that finished him. That's when I was done. My husband bought me to the loneliest place in the world. An old Range cabin maintained by his family in the mountains Basically one room with a bathroom They flew in and put the ankle tracker on I will be here two years. I am not even going to try and get my husband not to go to Hawaii in 2018. If nobody likes him coming they don't have to.
    I am going to just look at the floor and whatever my husband wants now unless its not legal. he's going to be allowed. I wont say a word. I am recommending no one else does either.
    I don't know if other wives have to put up with this kind of selfishness out of their husbands where they wont wait another year for what they want. My husband has decided he waited 33 years to long so there for he's not the selfish one we are.

  200. Brenda

    To isis56. Why can’t he wait another year? Are you serious. It sounds like you and your husband’s father were the married couple with all the trips you went on yogether! Be happy your not in jail. I am an abuse victim and the things you are saying trying to put the blame on your husband and not taking responsibility for your actions. Only 6 days off in 28 years!! That is abuse plain and simple!

  201. Deborah Patraker

    Storming into apartment while I am in the shower, screaming and then pulling the curtain back still screaming and I am standing there naked with shampoo in my hair and no where to go.

  202. james

    o dear god I do all this shit to my girl who I really love she cheated at begging and I stayed w her because in my mind I love her PLEASE HELP ME STOP CAUSE I DO WANT HER WOW PLEASE


  204. Elsa

    My boyfriend told me I look like Shawn Paul the musician it rlly heart my feelings BT I jst laughed was I in a verbal abuse

    1. It depends. Is this the first time he’s hurt your feelings? Probably not if you’re searching for articles on verbal abuse. Take a look at the quiz here: Am I Abused?. Hopefully you’ll find your answer.

  205. What to do when the police and the courts have let him getaway with it so much that he really thinks he is above the law and can’t get in trouble. He has lied to the cops so much that they no longer believe you even though it is the truth. Now what?

    1. Christine, it’s time to leave him so you can be free.

  206. Larissa

    I just wanna cry reading through all of this. My husband started out as the Prince charming. He was Mr. Perfect, always willing to help with my son,emotionally available, even got me out of a physically abusive relationship. Then a few years past,he lost custody of his child die to an ex who was uggg. Then we got married and everything changed. It got very physical towards me for many years. It went as fears my children being removed from the home. But I got.them back, we got back together and the physical stopped. I allowed him to talk me into moving back in with him.and we lived that happy lie for a bit longer. He has now taken me over 1800 miles away from my family and friends, has moved me out into the middle of nowhere with zero resources near by. I am constantly belittled. Hear everyday for weeks at a time.how stupid I am, how crazy I am, I should seek help, im a who’re, slit, cunt, worthless, just about everything on your list. I don’t have a car cuz he put it under his name only when we moved here, the house is in his name, the bills, it’s like I don’t exist for anything but his pleasure. When he wants sex.he just takes it then tells me how bad it was after. I have 5 children now, no job, no money, no car , no family,no friends and no resources. I’m trapped and haven’t got a clue what to.do. some days I tell myself I deserve it and repeat everything he’s said to me. I.swear I’m going mental. I don’t know if it’s me or him anime. 14 1/2 years I’ve been with him.

    1. It’s him. He’s the problem. You are showing symptoms of abuse. Connect with http://thehotline.org and start planning how to get back to family.

  207. Jo

    A lot of this is recognisable. My Narc used to tell me that my writing career was a pipe dream and I didn’t work hard enough at it. That’s despite me having two books published (one of which won an award) and writing a screenplay.

  208. Sherry Bates

    I think that you hit it right there right where it all F_ C _I _ g !!! Started. With that simple word hello.

    1. Debra Barnes

      How Ironic , That is what is on my x boyfriends computer . Good things can start with a simple Hello . I had been in a very bad abusive relationship which took almost two years to get to court . I had met this wonderful guy , he worked as a senior accountant for the county . He did volunteer work for scope and was on the council in the little town he worked for . I checked for red flags , took things really slow . He was so nice . He knew what had happened to me before and always made me feel so safe , took me to dinner , on vacations , bought me flowers , even planned a surprise birthday party for me . We went camping . He helped me to make my house safer by putting up outside lights .He paid for me to learn to shoot and helped me to get a gun . Always opened my doors and pulled my chair out at the restaurants . Would compliment me . Well I was on cloud nine after almost being killed by my last bf . I thought I did everything right . We were together 22 months , never any arguments about anything . Then out of the blue something so off the wall happened . He stayed at my house one night during the week . Our date night we called it . He had been acting a different for a couple of weeks . I asked him if we were okay and he said yes .but I knew it wasn’t . So the night he stayed happened to be the date that I was held at knife point 2 years prior to that day and I was struggling . He didn’t know because he didn’t ask and I didn’t tell him . We went to bed and he said goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep . I couldn’t sleep kept having flashbacks of that night I had a knife to my throat for 8 hours so I got up and went to the living room and just played games on my phone . He came out and asked me what I was doing I said I can’t sleep so am playing games on my phone . He said Bullshit , took the phone from me , layed it on the table , took my hand and walked me back to the bedroom . He then shoved my head down really hard to have oral sex . I said No and he said why, so I said you don’t want to do this to me not now . He shoved my head down harder . I was gagging , then he let me up and shoved his fingers down my throat and continued to penetrate me . I was scared as I never would have ever dreamed he would do that . He had also said just say no and it stops me right now . I trusted him and he betrayed and violated me .When he finished he slapped my butt and said can you sleep now . I think I was in shock . I just said yes and got through that night , made him breakfast and tried to act normal while wondering what I was going to do to end it . He was suppose to come over Easter and I called and told him not to come . He was mad . I talked to him that evening and told him we were done . I felt he raped me . He denies it but also knows he won’t get in trouble because of his standing in the community . So see even if you do everything right and check them out .take your time you still get hurt . He told me to go to the cops no one would believe me . He knows them all . Also he was going to get a restraining order against me if I didn’t stop sending him emails asking him why he did that to me . Talk about never trusting a man ever again or having another one in my life . Never . He said all I was to him was sex and company and he was sorry he hurt me . I am a total mess . Ptsd from the last one and this one just put me over the deep end . Why would he be so kind for over 20 month’s free and then do that . I was always good to him he even said you are super nice and super cute . Guess it was revenge because We did not have sex on Valentine’s Day and he spent over 300.00 on dinner and flowers , He told me he wanted to put his pajamas on he was to full and it was early so I was disappointed was hoping for more but it all got messed up . If he would have just talked to me I would have known but I can’t read his mind .So that was why he was mad, he spent money and he didn’t get sex so he took it out on me that night . What a payback I can’t get what he did out of my mind and have more flashbacks . I almost died the next few days I took pain pills and drank but it didn’t make me sleep . I drove to his house . I don’t know how and I don’t remember but I have threatning to call the cops and the rape crisis hotline .. He has worked there 18 years as the senior accountant . I told him I was drunk and high on pain pills and If I threatened him I was sorry I would not go to the police or his work . I wouldn’t put my family , his family or him through that . Nothing would happen anyway that is how our justice systems work s . All I wanted to know from him was why he just didn’t end it . He didn’t have to force violent sex on me . It makes no sense to me . He never acted like that ever for almost 2 years . I just don’t get it . Thought he was a good man and could be trusted. Ha I will never understand how he can live with himself after using me and pretending to be the nicest caring man a woman would want to meet . Thanks for letting me share .h

    2. Three years ago my husband came home after three years of painful rehab relearning to use his hands and walk after MRSA had caused his spinal cord to be crushed and partially severed in a spine slip. He should not be walking because he has not had nerve impulse below his upper legs for six years. Its hard to think that carrying the hatred and the resentment he had when he came home from rehab.

      I had started g seeing an old boyfriend at the beginning of 2012 after we found each other on Face book. I had been lonely so long using the promise of the next time the next holiday, If he would just not push the society into taking action for his defiance I would start a sex life with him after keeping him held out of sex since 1985.

      He did not care who he was angering, In 2001 his fathers best friend and county commissioner wanted his son with over 15 years less seniority in a major transmission plant, to get a position that many in the local area considered as prestige position. One that should go to a person with political, society or family connections in the area, This was what my husband had been at war with for the last 30 years first when he was in high school. then after the hitch in the army and then when he came home after discharge in the navy. At that time was the refusal of a marital life trying to get him to be a cooperative person and that was never achieved. Over the first 24 years after his return he slept in his room on a foam mat he replaced ever three years while I got the bed in the bedroom.

      When he returned I had promised a marital life if he could just not shove his seniority under the UAW contract down every ones throat for two years. just let the dust settle from his and about 157 other military returnees, It was causing chaos in every ones life when one of these men or women returned home and started using their rights to jobs, shifts, holidays, weekends off, and vacation slots under their UAW contract.

      When my husband came home and within three days was going to take a young girls day shift job because she only had 6 months to he 9 years. I told him to back off, Not use his Contract rights for two years to keep the peace. Let things settle. That was when he could take a vacation and we could have a real honey moon since for the needs of the navy we had not even had our wedding night. He stormed out of his fathers house with his old Army bivwac kit and foot locker. He called the young girl a user of men and he was not one to like being used because she could swing her hips at him and bat her eyes making like poor little me he was going to like it, and be like the rest of the guys in the plant panting because she looked at them, as for me I caught the name of mercenary b****, and he hoped my bed was as icy as my heart, if I had one and he stormed out. telling his father he was to be a silent person to him, He said we could take the local society and shove it..

      Two years latter I finally got my husband to talk to me Getting him to arrange for a vacation trip to Rome, His ten years got a Union perk if a large group was arranged to travel . The costs were only about 45 percent, he had two weeks plus his personal time he could use for a vacation.

      His father made sure the month before that my husband had gone to work. If my husband was there he was afraid to talk to him. The same girl was wanting to go and get married to her Fiance’ in Rome both on days in my husbands department. Neither had the seniority to get the slot my husband had and the first they could get was the next February She wanted a June wedding and Honey moon and He wanted to have it before his Reserve Tour in the Navy started in the two weeks after the vacation slot out of Naples.

      So I went hat in hand and told him just t stay and work in their place I said we could go on our own, latter. My husbands reply was less than graceful. , First He was not going to give the young couple a 4500 dollar wedding gift of his vacation, the entire amount had to be given to him before we left, Then he got my bible out, Had me put my hand on it and Swear that any time, any place and any way he wanted a vacation upon my return ( I was going as the matron of Honor). I would be both a willing sex partner and travel companion. He then Called our notary neighbor and had two copies of what I had sworn to signed by me and notarized.

      Him taking us to the airport was even more graceless. He told the girl. Her parents, her fiancé’ that he never wanted to hear about doing for them again, He had not had a day off in six years, he also announced to the whole group that he was under a gaurdianship with me and had hoped for a honey moon of our own in Rome since our marriage had never been consummated. We had sex before the wedding in 1982 . Just not since.
      HE told the girl he was never to be asked again for any thing from her and he said she may as well know just because she swung her hips and batted her eyes at him he was not falling still for poor little me ever. He did not care how many modeling and beauty pagets she had won. Just stay out of his area..

      When we got to the airport he was still seething, His father said now he had his say get his lazy rear out and take our luggage into checking while we got everything in order for the trip.

      He got out of the van and was loudly pronouncing what he felt like. He shuffled to the back In the most embarrassing way said, ” Yas massas, dis po house n***** gets rights to it’s I’s sorry I’s drifted there for de moment but when yous alls comes back, yous can beats me proper.’” I did not know at the time my husbands father and two of the men were responsible for the scaring on my husbands back in his senior year, Me and his mother found out last year in family therapy. when the therapist showed us pictures of a whipping my husband suffered with Extension cord, They had tied him to a tree and used extension cord on him until he was cut to pieces. The polaroids transmited even showed he was beat so bad his ribs and spin showed through the cuts.

      In that session his father said he cant still hold that against us after 4 decades, I wonder how long it would take somebody to get over 153 sutures to close those cuts and have it announced in school that the reason for the dressings on his wrists was he tried to kill himself, It was actually from trying to break free of zip ties.

      the two weeks in Rome was nice the couple married and we saw them off to Naples, We went sightseeing in Rome. took hundreds of pictures and put them in Albums, We saw a beautiful set of very soft boots for about 300 US, and we bought them because the size was my husbands, and would be a nice peace offering when we returned by that time over dinners we had planed the best time for my husband and I to go on a vacation and start our marriage. Between the End of the Shut down week and 14th February. That’s the weeks that nobody could be interfered with. It was suggested we could go to a nice vacation to someplace like Hawaii, the virgin Islands, Barbados or the Caymans. Cancun really was just a spot with nothing at the time. So I boarded the flight home with visions of a mid winter vacation on a romantic. warm beach. Where our marriage could start in peace.

      I got back to a version of hell instead, My husband had already researched getting a vacation at that time and the warm places had reservations to get a reservation.
      I suggested a mid winter driving vacation/honeymoon to Florida, Southern Texas or southern California. or even a ski Resort out west which I found out were also booked. I even suggested Vegas knowing my husbands opinion. He told me driving at time of year was out except in dire emergency, he did not want to ice skate across most the country or get caught in a winter storm and stranded.

      I was standing next to the van Suggesting these things at the airport waiting for everyone in the group to clear customs. His cloths and sea bag were in the back hanging and packed. He was going to set ever ones vacation time back three weeks in his department because he would not be patient. Let us try and come up with a plan even a gift of extra cash to go someplace farther was going to be discussed. I was Sitting in the front seat crying he could not do this to others just because he wanted a honey moon the days I promised. his father yelling about his being a man for just once without causing a problem. I had to stop my husband from pulling over and telling him to walk 60 miles home. My mother in law, his aunt and sister were in the back crying at the decibel level and the language used. So Finally I put my foot down and said, “No he was not going to ruin other peoples plans just because he was nice about something, couldn’t he have just remained nice until we could think of something and not have this gun to our heads.

      He point blank asked if I was going to keep the promise I had sworn to on my bible. I said it was not that we wanted him to stay at work all the time it was just the right thing to do he would have the life he wanted eventually just not right that second, He said he was tired of our BS. He pulled off the interstate and into the trailways terminal downtown. He Got me on the first bus to my mothers. leaving in 15 minutes, Said this was a test I failed as a wife.

      He threw my luggage into the bus. Said he knew my promise was not worth spit when I made it. Signed several sheets that were divorce filing and handed me a copy and gave me the savings minus his vacation fund and 200.00. His mother , sister and Aunt where begging him if there was something he would accept as a compromise and he said no He was leaving one way or another that day for three weeks after he dropped everyone, he said last chance either go with him or get on the bus, I was crying so hard all I could do was shake my head no. he handed me a letter to my mother. It was the Guardianship for her to assume and a Sinlge line saying that he was returning me in the same condition received. Not a wife I truth.

      It was the second most embarrassing day when I told my mother that sex had been a no go since our marriage because I did not allow it when he came home from sea.

      My mother is very religious and told me I had sinned against the man I stood in a church and married. She also Called his father who had suffered at his sons hands when a server presented him with a court order at his house that circumvented the contract to work all hours offered. My husband goth his luggage and gave it to him from 15 feet away on an overhand throw and his mother and brother had to take him to the hospital with six ribs broken Several deputies had to tackle him and take him to work.

      He was not let out from under that order until 2001. I was back in his home two years latter in 1989, The arguments to not defy the court were sometimes very bad and I tried to get the order remove many times but his father always said that his son stood against everything that the community needed. and his friend on the bench would say the order stands.

      That friend is still in prison after being hauled off the bench in disgrace in 2000 for using and removing cociian from evidence , My husband sad he did not have any thing to do with that. But The annomyus tip sounds like something he wouold do out of spit, He laughed and said He would not have gone under the radar he would have wanted to stand directly as a witness into his malfeasance of office.

      We had a Deacon two years latter when he had refused the down week that claimed religious need forcing my husband to work again the Christmas down week releaving everyone of forcing him in at gunpoint.

      I had tried many times to get my husband to at least wish I had a merry Criistmas as he left for work on Christmas again I thought there was a reason at work he got home an hour and a half late the Christmas eve. He just spat why just another dam stinking day at work what was so special. I said just wait until he got the call to get his 2 sandwiches and his usual Christmas gift at seven that evening. knowing he had nothing nice to say, I went to Church that morning after a nice breakfast with his family. I told them to expect another year of discontent from him and said things had to change. He would not take mid winter, he wanted the down weeks. and his father said its lucky he’s not in prison with his defiance.

      Our pastor stopped and said he needed a talk with me and his father soon, then the deacon came by with his family and laughing said when was the last time my husband was home for Christmas. I said it was just before we married in 1981, 22 years, he said well its a good thing he does not remember ever having a holiday off. He would not know how to deal with one now.

      His wife put their son and two Daughters in the front pew, and her and her husband went to their seats on the dias Where she found an Envelope for the Truly Pious man. She opened it and roped the Envelope and left the dias. She turned when her husband started after her and she said stay someplace else that night. If he came home he as not getting in, The Envelope contained pictures of him going into a motel with another woman. It just said the first shots were going in. She must have needed a lot of prayer because the second shot, was ten hours later when they came out. She moved her and her kids and the house down to TEXAS and her parents. The Deacon was releaved of his post at church. He started drinking and using drugs and showed up at church midnight christmas eve 2005 His BAL was at .175, he was positive THC and he put a 12 gauge under his chin and pushed the trigger. He only had a cremation and no memorial service. My husband did not even shed a tear for him.

      We continued to force him into work untll 2008 When he decided he did not care abut even his own life. one thanksgiving he snatched a shotgun out of a friends hands and smashed his face in with the butt then he chambered a round and before the hour was over he had destroyed 6000 in weapons as part of the condition to not shoot his father and two others. The deputy handed him the machinist hammer then went into work. Christmas eve we were again in the ER waiting to hear how his father and three others were after he kicked two out of his fathers car so hard it broke the locked doors and two men rolled down the street at 45 MPH kicked another man in the back of his head so hard his face went through the windshield and tried stangling his father into wreaking his car. 3000 in firearms were strewn in the road taken apart and all the police and emergency tore the parts up.

      That New years eve I was going out for the festivities and as usual took his. Ham on rye from dinner to him I was sitting next to the man that should have worked that down week when he yelled out don’t worry monk, I will see your wife and I dance in your honor at midnight and don’t worry about her not being homer tomorrow when you have to come back to work, I will be taking good care of her in my room. I had mustard smears all over my outfit and he threw a punctured can of WD 40 came in the car with us along with trash from the dumpster, That new Years eve was ruined as well, as his fathers upholstery all because he wanted time out of the plant, I could never find any way to get it except the Six days in 2001 for the Surgery to remove a brain tumor in 2001. The only time we could think of was After the holidays that would not cause problems. In 2009 He had arranged for the double berth on the orient Express, He had removed any thing I could use to get him to stay home and wait until mid winter 2010 The young man with two years that worked right next to him found himself getting married to his four month pregnant girl friend that may. My husband was not about to back off his slot on the orient express so him and his new wife could go, Said, he had kept it in his pants for 24 years The younger an should have too he owed them nothing. HIs father felt it was not fair my husband do this with 34 years, the two years need was greater. even though it had been since 1978 since my husband had a vacation The newly weds needed the slot more.

      We got his union President who did not like the reason at all to send his steward and chaplin to meet us in the TSA office, I was explaining to my husband I was holding the 6354 dollar check until we could come to some agreement after I came back for a vacation time for him. He Said he wanted it back with his passport that was also taken out of his computer case. he made a threat to make our life hell at every stop clear to Istambul where we were to catch the flight home ten days latter, His father and mother were having their 50 anniversary in Brussls and his mother wanted him there for that. His mother canceled before she boarded and asked my husband to take her home because of his being obstinate and not keeping things quiet after throwing me across the TSA office with my shoulder dislocated and TSA his steward and the chaplin stopping my husband from strangling his father to death over a stinking passport and vacation. They put him on a months no fly for the threat. The union officials too him into there custody guaranteing no more trouble. My husband took his mother home ruining his and his mothers planned 50th anniversary party. I got homer to being arrested and serving a 2 month sentence for theft, I said I was his wife how could I steal from him. I was told if he did not get that check back as Restitution I would have served three years minimum, his father got a year home detension.

      I had started the plans for a five week vacation Rental in St Croix. I was going to give the reservations, The rental papers everything to him on Christmas day instead of his usual ten and two turkey sandwiches at his work gate on Christmas. I was thinking the baby step in making a peace with I’m now. But at least a start. I was Let out of County, two months later the day before Labor day. my husband did not get me his sister did..

      She said since before the orient express my husband had been missing except work, He was not at home, He was Observed going in and out of different exits always changing not willing to talk to any one even her, She said had it really been 28 years with only six days off. I had to admit it had been but she knew the needs and she said we forgot one person had needs, her brother.

      I finally got to see him with his father in the cafeteria at work at 330 am. the union had to arrange the meeting, He walked in threw a key to the house, and a permission for an allowance. He came in with out a word doubled over and left the same way. His steward said He had been in ER seven times and could not figure out why his stomache was so tender and the high fevers. I asked where the man that worked right beside my husband was and he said he day he came back from the express vacation he was escorted out , he might get back on in a year in another department. but he would come back very restricted. It was not my husbands want. but others that wanted the kids hide. Before he got back on his wife moved to Hawaii to be a nurse with her 2 year old after he caught him cheating with another high school girl. I heard he was nailed for Statutory Rape a few months after going back. He did not go to jail but has to pay support for her twins and his other child in Hawaii. My husband said that man whos now 32 is never going to learn to keep his zipper up.

      But Three years ago my husband was not going to keep his up with me. He had been In rehab and medical centers since October 2009, I had to cancel the ST Croix Reservations, Because by January my husband still was though to maybe not survive the MRSA Abscess that invaded his spine, Causing bone to slip and partially sever and crush the cord.

      He came home from three years of hard work relearning to use his hands and walk without nerve impulse from top of legs down, in 2012 his sister got me introduced to face book. Me and a man I knew 32 years before got together there I saw him for a year before we heard my husband was coming out of rehab. We had not been allowed to talk to him since he knocked his father out the last summer with a steel bed pan> I thought he was coming homer in a wheel chair. He walked up the stairs with that cane of his that he carved himself while learning to use his hands.

      His walking was a shock. I was stuck now between an affair to a married man and my husband demanding what he had before his crippling, A sex life and the same rights as everyone else. Two weeks latter I thought I had given him enough Tarazidone to keep him asleep for 24 hours. I stepped into his rental solstice and saw my husband in the door watching me leave with the other man. I was drunk when I decided to spend a last night with my AP, and when I got home the next morning I was releaved to see the car gone so we pulled in> I was telling him that I could never see him again, when my husband pulled in right behind us. I Asked him fif we could take the coming session off the street I said he could yell all he wanted inside and we could talk things through to find out how things where going to go now. He said he was just going to clear the drive, and follow us in, My bags were packed and the guardianship was on the table ready to sign as assuming, My AP said he’s crazy if he thinks I am taking me with him and wipe hos family out on the east coast. I was going to call his father and mother to come over and try and get something out of this mess..

      MY AP leaned over and said watch this I said watch what, When he swept his cane and my husband went to the floor. Since the Brain surgery in 2001 my husbands anger changed his eye color. He rolled over and his normally hazel eyes were like ice, MY AP was laughing asking how I could have married this pathetic looser< I saw his arm draw back taking the rubber tip of the cane exposing the ice spike. He let fly fracturing my APs scull. HE did not have to stand up for the beating he delivered yelling whos the Pathetic looser now. I was terrible when the police and ambulance arrived The Had To restrain my husband from hitting him again. They took him to a stress center, and MY ap to ICU.

      Two weeks latter I was not expecting my husband home on that cold day. I was expecting to go to a fund raising dinner with his mother, father and his best friend. I heard the door open and close and left the bedroom just finishing getting ready. I stepped out to see who came in and ran square into my husband who was again angry. He was sarcastic this time saying he was glad I was ready t go out just let him find some clean jeans and he would join me, he said where were we going, I Did not get the first word out before starting to cry< I said I had promised this evening to his father, his friend and his mother to an Invitation only dinner. I said I would be home In a few hours. My husbands one word was NO I said NO what, HE said Its not happening like that, Unless he was the one whos arm I was on I was not going he did not care who it was. I started begging and pleading for hi take 100 and pick a place to meet him in 4 hours, WE COULD GET EVERYONE THAT NEEDED TIO SAY SOMETHING THERE BY THEN.

      He started yelling why did any one have anything to say about him now. I said we needed to think about what could be allowed and what time table, He was quiet for a second when he said and what pray tell am I going to be allowed. What do any of you have to say about what he was allowed. HE did not give me any time about sex that evening he took it in rage and anger telling me he was now the final and only judge and arbitor of what he was allowed under his roof now. I got off the floor more in shock at what just happened. .Than any thing, I hurt from trying to resist and he handed me the phone said he would be back in a few, I said I needed to go take a bath, I did not know what was going to happen next. He handed me the phone and said the number is 911. Don't clean up and don't pick up he would be fixing his dinner by the time they arrived, He said he would Eat while collecting my statement. They would want a kit workup so don't clean up and don't pick up for scene photos and he then said something else to consider when I did call He threw a thumb drive and a DVDrw down next to me and said the night I had spent with my AP two weeks before He was busy the whole night scanning all those journals off. Very interesting all the names I had named in them for intimidation and his blackmail and all the reasons. why HE had to take the hind end of life.

      He has spent 15 years now hurting me by hurting others in my life. Now I cant even talk to friends without them starting to tell me they can't talk as long as my husbands alive. His sister tried to make a separate service at his mothers funeral but his brother felt it wrong and told my husband the actual time. Just in case a friend of the families was stationed out side to get my husband to leave if he did show up, He Put his hand on my husbands chest and asked if he had to get rough with a crippled man and My husband proceded to look like the incredible hulk slamming the man off brick walls and concrete steps. and went and sat in the front row, Nobody tried to say another word about my husband being there, They would have had to deal with both brothers at that point.

      I listened to his mothers plea in her will to find some avenue to forgiveness. A beg if you like in writing to please not hurt any one over his rights now. Two weeks latter my husband was helping after a lightning storm with gathering cattle. HE was in his Saddle on Bart just sitting there when the rancher said his eyes rolled up and he fell off the horse. HE was Flown To Clevland and A New Heart Valve was put in out of a pig, They stopped the induced coma at noon today but he has not woke up yet. They don't seem to think its a good sign he has not woke up yet. At seven tonight they are going to wake him. I hope there's nothing bad Wrong.

  209. cloudy

    I’ve been held down, grabbed, pinched, slapped, punched, bruised, choked and screamed at. I’ve been told it’s a lot to do with my own actions and that I only have a way of angering him that I need to work on. He stops me from bringing up things he’s done by saying they’re in the past even if it was a day ago. He says sorry then does it again…

  210. mel

    All these are very real and I myself have been the recipient of alot of these. My question is I have found myself fighting back and things get so much worse. I cannot tell you how many times he threatens to evict me. This is his favorite tactic. So much to write about but just wanted to put this out there. The other night he told me he would destroy my pretty face if I ever stood up to him again and then he said he would kill me. He was drunk but I just don’t know what he is and isn’t capable of anymore. It’s a hurt that I cannot explain. This is a man that I put my trust in and never have I felt secure in our relationship. I have to find out why I keep choosing these types of men. He was not this way the first year but slowly and slowly changed and now 10 years later it is the most heart wrenching days of my life. When does it end. Will he ever get justice? J pray everyday. I know I will never understand it but I also know that he is not normal and that I have to firmly believe it isn’t me. Brainwashing is real and makes you start to question yourself. I don’t want to be his target anymore and I don’t want anyone else to have to be either. People like this need to be locked up in a cage….

  211. So Tired