Things Abusers Say and Do

Things abusers say and do vary widely but you can always trust your gut.. If you feel intimidated, unloved, threatened, or hurt by your partner, it's abuse.Things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, or become afraid and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.

Your best ammunition against abuse is the ability to recognize it when it happens. If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll dismiss the words and walk away or get out of danger sooner.

The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do.

Name Calling

  • Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
  • Crazy Bitch, Psycho
  • Whore, Slut
  • Heartless Ho
  • Says “woman” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
  • On the flip side, he may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence

Intimacy Breakers

  • “It is none of your fucking business.”
  • “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
  • “Shut up”
  • Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
  • Often leaves you hanging when he promised to do something with you.
  • Consistently puts his schedule above yours.
  • Breaks up often then comes running back, begging forgiveness.
  • Interrupts you when you’re talking.

Tells You What You’re Doing (But Is Incorrect)

  • “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
  • “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
  • “Stop being a drama queen!”
  • “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
  • Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, what you really meant when you said/did something.

my abusive marriage...and what i'm doing in it

Plays Word Games

  • Interrupts you when you’re talking.
  • Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
  • Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or he tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what he’s talking about anymore.
  • Changes the subject to divert your attention.
  • Tells you what you really mean to say.
  • Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting no where, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree with him just to get him to be quiet.
  • Re-defines words to mean what he wants them to mean.
  • Denies saying what he said (even if you’re playing it back to him from a digital recorder, he will deny meaning what he obviously meant).
  • Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen to him.

Tries to Make Himself Look Better Than You

  • “You have no money; without me you’d be lost.”
  • “At least I have a job.”.
  • “You know nothing about the real world!”
  • “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”

Insults People And Pets You Love

  • “Why don’t you leave, have your geriatric dog leave too and I hope he falls dead.”
  • “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
  • “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
  • Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
  • “Your kid is such a sissy!”
  • “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
  • Uses racial slurs because he knows you don’t like them.

Sexual Insults And Injuries

  • Makes you wear revealing clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
  • “You were just a good fuck.”
  • “Would you like to suck my cock one more time before you go?” (especially when you’re upset about his treatment of you)
  • Yes, you do have a nice ass, but so did the girls ass that I checked out and the girls on the porn film.
  • Turns his back to you while laying in bed to show he is withdrawing affection.
  • Lies incessantly, even when faced with proof, about his pornography viewing or cheating.
  • Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments he knows you don’t like.
  • Tells you to go to a party without him and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
  • Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying he lied about his feelings to get you into bed. Changes his mind later, has sex, repeat.
  • Uses crude names for a woman’s body parts and knows you do not like them.

Insults Your Ideas and Dreams

  • The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
  • Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
  • Insults the gifts you give to him or acts disinterested.
  • “That is never going to work.”
  • Mocks and makes fun of you.

Does Not Care About Your Medical Issues

  • You’re hurt after a fight with him and say you should go to the Emergency Room…his response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
  • Major medical issue comes up and he is unavailable to comfort you – he just disappears.
  • Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
  • Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
  • Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated him like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.

Thoughtless of Your Needs

  • Makes lunch for himself without asking if you want any.
  • Doesn’t take your dishes to the sink, only his.
  • Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
  • Does not ask you about your day.
  • Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
  • Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things he could take care of by himself.

Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools

  • Gifts that did NOT come from his heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
  • Gifts given after fights to initiate your forgiveness.
  • Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.

Disrespects Your Belongings

  • Destroys things that are important to you.
  • Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before his relationship with you.
  • Throws away your clothes that either you love or he hates.
  • Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
  • Hides your personal belongings and says he doesn’t know where they are.
  • Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the “missing” piece.
  • Insists you promised to do something for him that you know you didn’t promise.
  • Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.

Withholds Financial Information or Money

  • Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to buy everything he thinks you should.
  • Makes you give him your paycheck.
  • Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
  • Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
  • Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
  • Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
  • Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.

Threatens Or Intimidates You

  • “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other woman and then maybe you will leave me.”
  • “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
  • “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
  • Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know he’s hitting things to scare you.
  • Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
  • Spits on you.
  • Threatens to take you to court over issues he’ll know he’ll lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
  • Seeks attention by threatening to kill himself. Intimidates you into doing things for him by threatening suicide.

my abusive marriage...and what i'm doing in it

Abandons And/Or Threatens to Abandon You Physically

  • Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
  • Takes you to his family’s home far away and then leaves you at his mother’s for two days while he visits his cousin.
  • “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
  • “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”

Physically Insults or Assaults You

  • Spits on you.
  • Blocks your exit.
  • Drags you.
  • Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
  • Hits, punches, or slaps you.
  • Kicks you.
  • Makes you hold pillows so he can “practice” fighting.
  • Pinches you or squeezes you too tightly.
  • Chokes you or puts you in a position where he could easily choke you.

You should share what you’ve heard or seen from your abuser in the comments below.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Dont forget about the non physical threats they may make like threatening to take the kids away from you or to close the bank account so you cant have access to money. It doesnt matter that he cant actually do it. It still creates fear of what he can do to you if he wants to.

    • That is why its good to have a big brother or someone you know to talk to. Its not good for a woman to be alone with no family of her own or a very good friend she can trust.. When a man knows that he can’t get away with abuse, he either stops, or walks away. Its sad and I feel like I’m getting an ulcer just reading this. I would not bare to take it, I would have to threaten him to end it, but that is why before you even consider marrying someone you love, have him/her sign a prenup so even if that should come up, you won’t fear him taking your assets. Really you need to take your time getting to know someone. Its best to hurt by telling him to leave and be out of your site than take the chance on marrying him and finding out he was the wrong guy. They are all lovy duddy in the beginning and then you never know.

      • Wow my marriage!!! I am so sick of these roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of walking on egg shells just hoping he is in a good mood. Hoping nothing stresses him out. I am sick of feeling like I am nothing. I don’t even feel like I can think for myself anymore. I am thinking for him and what I think he would want. When he is upset with me and I feel like the words he spoke my whole day is shot I can’t focus at all. I am a chicken with her head cut off or I am a zombie. 20 years I have been married 20 years I never know what my day will be like tomorrow. Will he be mad? Or will he feel like a loving husband? I just don’t know anymore

    • Well, I entered abuse at 14 until 33yrs of age with the same man, I had three children by him, Just one day I got so fed up, and got courage and got out of it.. I believe my mother prayers help, I saw that the cycle just repeated and repeated every lie he said was over & over & over like a broken record nothing never change,. What shook me up the most was when he told me,he was gonna blow my head off, something in me didn’t just shake this off, my instincts were time to get out! So ladies & gentlemen it never ends r stops! My children never deserve to go through this, we are about to do some counseling soon, You have to ask God for help this isnt his plan for your life considering life is already to short! May God bless you..

      • Thank you!

      • Anonymous says:

        Well ladies, life is hard but we are know longer alone. Even if your in the abuse now, there is a world of women, girls or as l like to say female angels . We want love but life isn’t always perfect but a draining death from a man is a slow death and suicide if he is abusing you. It will never change and you are not responsible for any of it. But choosing to kill yourself by staying in it , is your responsibility not his. This is real life or your death sugar up as a man you love. Its your death so what way will you go?

      • Anonymous says:

        I am a man taking the abuse from my wife tells me she’s gonna cheat goes out and doesn’t come back till mornings and tells me it’s none of my f ing business where she’s been , says she out to slit my throat while I sleep constantly cuts me down and the worst part is I am a Pastor and she aims to be a minister, being led by God ,,,,, an abomination signed Hurting Pastor. ,,,,, but there is now no condemnation for those who r in Christ Jesus.

  2. My father was the abuser and so much of what you talk about on here was my life. My mothers life still. I have escaped him, but I can’t use my real name anywhere online because I can’t have them finding me. I blog about my experiences on buckwheatsrisk.com Thank you for doing what your doing.

    • My father was the abuser too. I got out at 15 after my mother died. 7th, 8th and 9th grade were the worst 3 years of my life, mostly because he was abusing my bedridden mother, and there was nothing I could do about it. physically/verbally/emotionally abused her often. When he targeted me, I couldn’t fight back for my mother’s sake. Some of the crazy things he did:
      -he turned off the water when I was in the shower because he had to pee or to control us.
      -he didn’t allow my mom to have her diabetes shots or morphine, which were crucial.
      -he manipulated the doctors and nurses at the hospital (yet they didn’t think about how he was treating us at home)
      -he kept us from seeing any of the family and our friends and stopped them from visiting mom.
      -he would drive around, ranting and yelling until we agreed with what he said. We were trapped in the car
      -he made me go to church and then ranted about how horribly I behaved and how I have to honor my parents and the priest said this and that
      -he said “you killed your mother with your stupidity”
      -he said “oh yeah, you’re a perfect saint. more like sainten.” (he meant satan. that’s how whacked he is)
      after all this, my social worker still pressured me to visit him. because apparently he has the “right” to see me because he’s my father.

      • I would tell the social worker, I suffered abuse and I’m not happy so I need to go far away , If he didn’t respect your presence, he will respect your absence

  3. Wow, you just described my husband exactly! I was wondering if he’s actually abusive or if I’m “making it up so people will feel sorry for me [you]” like he says…

  4. A wife who is abused says:

    The uniformity of the pattern in all abusers surprises me. Is this a psychological ailment or how would you term it?

    • The behaviors abusive people use to control their targets are not symptoms of any one mental disorder listed in the DSM-IV (‘bible’ of psychiatry diagnosis). This means that, as of psychiatry and psychology’s understanding today, abusive people are not mentally ill.

      SOME abusive people are mentally ill and/or fit the diagnosis for disorders in the DSM-IV. For example, narcissists and sociopaths can be highly abusive, but this DOES NOT mean that all abusive people are narcissists or sociopaths.

      The uniformity of abuser tactics used to surprise me, too, but it doesn’t anymore. There are only so many ways a person can brainwash and take control of a target. The behaviors to control have been honed to a science over time. The details, the triggering statements for the TARGET are different, but the techniques abusers use are the same.

      For example, an abuser’s last partner may have loved horses, so triggering her about her love for them had good effect for the abuser. But the next partner doesn’t care for horses, so the same topic will not trigger. The abuser only changes the topic, not the technique.

      Does that make sense?

      • DFWNOVELISTA says:

        This is invaluable information to empower those who have suffered abuse. I endured 12 years of marriage to a highly abusive man who fit this profile perfectly. Why did it take so long for me to leave? The abuse was insidious and covert, gradually increasing over time in such a calculated manner that I questioned myself and the reality of my abusive situation. Now I can clearly see the pattern and nature of abuse which developed over time. Counseling helped significantly, but truth was key to ending the abuse for me.

  5. Don’t forget:
    Takes your cell phone away, and when you grab for it, tells you you’re the real abuser in the relationship
    Threatens to use your history of psychiatric treatment to have you committed
    Tells his buddies how crazy you are
    After a while, you are not allowed to ask whether he’ll be home for supper or just hanging out at the bar with all the clearly superior middle-aged barflies
    Hides psychedelic drugs in your home and sells them to the middle-aged barflies, then tells you about it
    However, complains when he finally comes home to no wife…

    • WOW!!! I have read 100s of articles about abuse as well as the comments… and finally, finally I see my experience in this comment!! He is a typical abuser in every way– does everything on the list, but the grabbing cell phone back from him, committed, tells friends, not allowed to ask, selling drugs to skanks… OMG!!!!

      IM THE ABUSER… thats why I had the black eye, fat lip, stangled, spit on, slapped, kicked and bit right through my skin so many times…

      Thank you Doug-free!

      • I had a gut instinct about controlling after my fiance was mad crazy about the prenup my dad gave him, because his house is in my name. Then he wrote me this long research type letter by email to insult me and my family about the prenup and doing the opposite, saying that we are the gold diggers when we are the ones with the money and he has nothing. I didn’t even tell my family about the letter because I know how the mafiozi type men how they would react. I think he didn’t like I had love and protection and he couldn’t do much so he tried abusing me by emailing me. We told him he had time to go and change the prenup, but instead of calling us, he just tried hinting my mom for the money in his own way. He knew I loved him so I would swallow the poison and cry but honestly like a good christian I would not want him hurt. He had no real love in his life so i feel sorry for him, meanwhile I told him to walk out of my life because I can’t trust him anymore and all I do is cry. I had to be a lion and say don’t contact me anymore. Deep inside I was a mess and didn’t really want to leave him, but when I asked God to give me a sign if this is maybe just a big mistake a misunderstanding, I found his text telling me that he hoped that I find someone who will love me and sign the paper. Why my gut instinct was right at that point and the abuse t added to my strength to say good bye. All this happened this summer two weeks before my wedding . In 5 days it will be 6 months since the day I was supppose to get married. He wanted to be friends. I said no, I prefer to stay far away from you so if God wants us together, he will bring us together, but I told him you better make mends with God and your past baggage and leave me alone. Until you do, you will live alone. I cannot accept this behavior. I guess that is the Spartan in me. Don’t think Spartan men were tough, the woman were just as tough, maybe not physically in battle, but in words and they were also taught to defend themselves. The stories in here though I may have gone through if I had accepted him. I would have been in worse hands now and my dad and brother would go to jail because he would not live to see another day if he tried anything on me. I guess its best this way. I pray God forgives him and helps him, but for me I’m free from that type heartache. I pray for all who go through heartache, Keep God in your heart and make it a rock if you have to come to the point of divorce. You cannot live like that. I’m going to school now for a trade so I can be more independent and not have to worry of bumping into another loser. He was older than me by 5 yrs and I’m in my late 40′s

  6. Does it always start so nice and normal? Once all your time is spent with them they slowly change, and then you are traped. I am crazy for wanting to leave, what about the kids? (Not his but very attached to him only known him for 9months)5 months of steady dating and introduced to kids. He has done many things that this has talked about, I dont know how I didnt see it. When the turning point was I don’t know but I sure see it now. The last draw was he is manipulating my children to see that I am wrong and that their father is to blame for his acting out. Worried because he has traped me by holding my money up, by having me purchase expensive things on my credit and being out money if he chooses not to help me pay like we verbally agreed. My family has turned their back on him and his family is after me because he was done wrong or they were by some slight. He is not to be blamed.

    • Yes. It begins normally. If it didn’t start of “nice and normal”, then no one would ever stay with an abusive person past day 1. The abuser slowly reveals themselves or it occurs after a triggering event (ie moving in together, engagement or marriage, pregnancy, something that makes the abuser feel comfortable that you can’t or won’t leave).

      • I feel trapped also!! My GF abuses me all the time and makes me feel so inadequate :-( even today she has told me I’m a nothing and called my chick deem little c”””s. I feel so low! She has bitten me, hit me, cut my clothes up snapped my spectacles in two, now she is pregnant and I feel like I can’t talk or turn to no one ! Advice please?

  7. He has trapped me finacially so that I cant go anywhere, Is making everything out to be everyones fault but his. Is aleinating my family from me, and I can only talk to his family. Tries to make me see what horrible people my family is and what great people his family is. I know the truth my mom lived this for 16 years. She said one day he just hit her thought of her as an item (his)to do with as he pleases. I am getting away, but it is a slow go, he monitors my every move, calls me constantly telling me he loves me…. but when he is angry he tells me I wont make it on my own, we have two big purchases in my name on my credit that he pays, he will take one of the items and wont pay me he has already said he would. I am withdrawing and he knows it. I have secretly got an apartment for the 20th of this month where my son and I will live away from him and his family. (son is safe with his father) I am taking precausions, notes at work my mother knows about all the things he has done. (none bad yet but there is defenetly potentional)

    • Go talk to an attorney or make a phone call appointment with one. Get the facts from someone who knows. The attorney will help you plan what items to take with you when you leave – Possession is 99% of the law.

      Although hard to imagine now, when you go to court to divide the finances, they only look at black and white. They add up the value of what you have, then take away the value of what you owe. If the balance is negative, you will split the debt with him. If it is a positive balance, you will split that too.

      If you have a positive balance but it is because your home or some other investment has value, then whoever keeps the valuable “thing” must buy out the other partner.

      What I am saying is that he does not get to pick and choose what he keeps – items or debt.

      Don’t let him scare you, Worried. Call an attorney and get the facts.

      BTW – CONGRATULATIONS on your decision to leave that life-sucker. You will NOT regret it.

      • DO NOT tell the abuser you are leaving them. A lot of these men go into overdrive with the abuse when you make it known you are outta here. Some will even kill you, it happens every day, sadly.

        Start making a plan, put aside cash, credit cards, important papers. Make up a ‘bug out’ bag with clothes and personal effects. Don’t worry about getting out stuff like furniture, deal with that later if you must. Set a date, and then be gone. Go to a women’s shelter if you have to. Don’t tell anyone of your plans, either. Your so called friends might not be real friends, and could tip off your abuser just for the jollies and drama. TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.

        You can go to the police and get a restraining order, but remember the cops can’t help you until your abuser does something harmful. A lot of experts don’t recommend getting a restraining orders, they seem to cause more problems than not and won’t do you a bit of good if you are dead.

  8. Charla Cobb says:

    Worried about my daughter…shes 19, married to a 43 year old, and pregnant. The last time she called it was her broken jaw…geeeese…how could someone do that to her? How come she forgave him? The time before that was a broken finger.She’s only a hundred pounds for crying out loud! Oh..yeah..and he doesn’t want her to be around me!!! And shes falling for it! The whole thing just disturbs me in every way!!! I can’t hardly even think about it or it just ruins my whole day! I gotta go…I shouldn’t have even brought it up! BYE!!!

    • An abuser does not want any other family member or anyone around that can help the victim so he can keep controlling. You better not ignore this, because it can get worse and don’t you dare close the door and say you should not have brought it up, please get help!!!!!!!!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Look, this post is much later, but I just wanted to comment. Do not turn your back on your daughter. In fact, keep your nose in their business, take your daughter aside and feed her the opposite of what he is saying, at least some of it might sink in. He wants you separated, don’t let him win. If he wins, he will only abuse her more. You gave birth to her, you know her better than anyone, offer to help her leave him until she can get on her feet, and if you really love her, offer to move away from him with her so he can’t find you. This may save her life.

  9. It’s hard coming out of denial and facing the truth knowing someone can be so cruel. I live with a narcissist that is brutal with his mouth. Mine is a long story and at the moment I’m trying to stay positive but it is hard. I am broke in every way and scared. Right now I just want to go to sleep.

    • Pray to the Lord to help you make a decision, YOU have to or you will continue to live under his control!!!!!!

    • I’m sorry you feel broken I do too because of a similar situation and not typing the whole story because of trying to stay positive.
      I’m saving money it will take many years and I’m working and going to college with kids. I’m married but really alone.
      I hope that you know it’s not your fault
      My husband is text book emotional abuser
      Some days I can’t stand it
      Some days I find strength
      Some days I too want to sleep
      I know your alone in many ways but I hope that if you read this you may not feel as alone in this moment.
      Hard to stay but even harder to leave

      • Just left on may 20th 2014 after 16 yrs of abuse. Go to work and home everyday for years and have no friends only 3 kids and his niece since she was 8. Do nothing that I think will upset him constantly thinking what will he say what will he think if I…. can I tell him an old home girl ( I’ve known for years) stopped by the job today, not without him telling me I’m lying and I’m at her House everyday doing drugs. Can I get in the car and have a conversation with my husband, not without being driven around the block being yelled at the whole time being called a back stabbing hoe a sneaky bitch a piece of shit. Never knew my kids felt the same fear and uneasyness as myself. Until my daughter s school found her suicide and hatred of her dad book that’s when I knew I was killing my kids. Never knew how much despair and fear and anguish and nervous they constantly felt. Will not turn my back on them again. The messed up part is I made all the money and paided all the bills now he’s hungry and soon no place to live. I just want him to go to domestic violence program so he can learn his root of anger, but I will never trust him again with mine or my kids feeling. It ducking sucks so hard I have to let him pass this stage of abandonment to the stage of understanding. I so do love him but I must love my kids and self first. By the way his niece came with me shes wore out too she was a hoe everyday too 24 year old virgin, and with an uncle like that she probably always will be now she knows what a relationship has in store. My poor kids.

  10. I recognize many of these behaviors in my immediate family, with the exception of the sexual and injury-causing physical-abuse behaviors. Since we were raised in church, few cuss-words have been used; but cumulatively, the behavior of almost my entire family — particularly my three sisters — towards me from the time I was a small child has served to demean me and make me feel worthless, hopeless, incompetent and alone. The word-games and insinuated insults are all too familiar. Yet as shown above, it’s extremely difficult to bring any of this up with them, particularly in group form, since they have and will immediately begin to shout over me all at once, confusing me and causing me to forget the things I wanted to say, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. By the end of the conversation, they have minimized their end of the blame and convinced those present (even me, a little) that I “bring it on myself”.

    Let me say before I continue that I don’t pretend to be strictly a victim. I am not a perfect sister or daughter. Nor do I mean to suggest that my life is in danger, or put my situation in the exact same category as those above. But I will not be denied the right to hold them responsible for certain behaviors that have been unhealthy, hurtful, damaging, and in some ways devastating and debilitating — behaviors that they could’ve decided against, but didn’t.

    From the time I was little, loud noises (ex: lawn mower, motorcycles, fireworks — or later on, yelling, sudden aggressive movements) have been very frightening/upsetting and damaging to my emotional well-being, yet whether intentionally or not, my family has ignored this and at times even used it against me.

    I am also the smallest of stature in my family. A lot of the physical aspects of the hurtful behavior have died down since my mid-teens, largely, it seems, because I mostly caught up to my mother in size. However, I can say that my parents were excessive in their physical discipline — most often my mother, so there were no broken bones or trips to the ER. But I can recount several occasions as a child where my mom kept me home from school or swimming lessons because there were marks on my body, somewhere that showed. It hasn’t been unusual for my mother to slap me, often repeatedly, when she was angry — whether I was the cause or because I happened to say or do something that normally wouldn’t merit such a reaction, but while she was angry over something else. Both my parents had quick tempers and my father “ruled with an iron fist”; when he dealt with us when we misbehaved, he often underestimated his physical strength (or in anger, didn’t bother to restrain it). I remember being kicked in the head/buttocks/elsewhere on several occasions, being dragged by the arm, neck or ear — with a grip that left bruises — and shoved against the wall on many occasions, and general manhandling. The more major things have pretty much stopped since my mid-teens, but my father still threatens with his words and occasionally manhandles. He has been threatening to kick me out of the house (for whatever reason) since I was about seven years old, even going so far on occasion as to shove me out the front door and toss out some of my things after me.

    The most harmful overall, however — although exacerbated by the physical things — have been the words and attitudes. Particularly among my siblings, there has been a continual mindset, which comes out clearly in interactions, of “Joy is weak”; “Joy is stupid”; “Joy is retarded”; “Joy doesn’t belong”; “Joy isn’t like the rest of us”; “Joy will never amount to much”; “Joy brings all her problems on herself”; “Joy is incompetent”; “Joy is awkward”; “Joy is embarrassing to be around”. Some of these things have been stated out loud, others frequently implied. I used to sit at the dinner table with my family and listen to my sisters bring up, analyze, and laugh at all the silly, awkward, or embarrassing things I had pretty much ever done, and generally criticize and insult me, with total disregard for my feelings — all with my parents sitting there, rarely saying a word. It felt like the attitude was, “It’s not too far until she cries” but if I ever showed myself even close to tears (which I never did if I could help it), then it was “Oh, she’s feeling sorry for herself” or “She’s being overly sensitive”.

    This was almost every night — for years. They especially loved to break out their best lines in front of a group of strangers or their friends for their amusement, like shredding my self-esteem was some party trick. Some of this may seem like pretty normal sibling teasing, and some of it is, but a lot of it isn’t. And imagine hearing this kind of criticism about yourself continually, during some of the most impressionable years of your life.

    The criticism made me feel hurt, angry and worthless; part of me believes it in spite of my efforts to convince myself otherwise. Yet to show any reaction or outburst (crying, yelling) that boils up inside me would seem to confirm the things that they say. Any attempt to defend myself or retaliate has been overwhelmed by sheer numbers and volume. The collective weight of it all has left me feeling unable to trust or make friends, making it even more difficult for me to find worth in myself as a person.

    While all these things have lessened in the last couple of years, they have never been resolved, and I cannot tell you the devastation they have caused. And maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have other people’s experiences to compare to, for the most part. From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem like this happens in other people’s families. Having only one person that does this in your family, most people could probably deal with. When it’s your entire family and it’s continually directed at you — not so much.

    But I’m not just here to tell a sob story. What I want to know is how I can deal with it. The details just seemed to come out.

    I am almost 20 years old, live at home with my parents and two of my sisters, and while I have some money, am not in a financial position to move out. I am socially isolated, depressed, and feel generally powerless to change my situation. I haven’t told many people about it, much less in detail, and I don’t know who can help.

    (I apologize for how long this is haha! It all just started coming out. I really hope I’m not offending anyone by posting this here.)

    • susanmcintosh says:

      the problem is with the bunch of bullies you live with, look in the personal ads and find someone (elderly) that needs care / live in companion or caretaker or needs a roomate..check them out first. Save your sanity and find a good support system..maybe socializing more at church..make yourself get involved, take a break from the negative chaos, that is, your family. Most importantly, pray.

      • I agree, excellent advice it will be your way out, a roof over you and you will learn a lot from the elders too. Bring God too in your life to help you. Many lack that or don’t give God enough trust. Please do and your life will be enlightened!!!!!!

    • Your strength is amazing….people who hurt, hurt….keep writing, Peace, Cindy

    • Bullies. Pack animals. I hope you are doing well now. Leave them to their ignorance.

    • Joy. Im so sorry for you. God Loves you. I Love you.

  11. I have just left a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic husband of 10 years. He has called me every name and insulted my job, my family, my faith. I was willing to put up with him for so long to keep the family unti together. Then, he became violent and choked me infront of our children. I called 911, got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. Although it the hardest decision of my life, I know that God’s grace is leading me away from this nightmare and into the light.

    My question is, since my ex-husband refuses to admit he has a problem with alcoholic or abuse, will his behavior continue in his new relationship? He already has a beautiful new girlfriend, and I can’t help but feel a tiny bit of wonder about how he will treat her down the road. Was it me after all, or will his behavior someday turn on her?

    • Jenna,

      You are now on the outside looking in. You will see their loving actions toward one another, and you may catch a glimpse of his behaviors that you NOW recognize as a red flag (but did not at the time you were with him). Yes, the abuse will begin (if it hasn’t already), but remember: he has to trick her into loving his false but kind persona so she will stick with him once the abuse starts. At first, there will be little/no abuse, only the loving man he must appear to be to make her fall in love with him. He will tell her lies about you so she will not talk to you or take what you say seriously.

      The drinking and the abuse are his problems alone. You did not make him drink; you did not make him abuse you. When his new girlfriend steps out of line, she will experience the same treatment you did. The hateful things he’s done and said are HIS doing – not yours, not his new girlfriends.

      • I have a lot to say in this matter be aware that not all abuser may not fit this profile but they may have a gentle softer side. I like to call it polishing you and you have no idea or a clue what’s coming next. I was involved twice with abusers and when you are raised in a abusive home. This abuse it’s normal to you and trust me I lived it and I’m alive to post it here. My 1st abuser was older than me and he studied me, my likes and dislikes I wasn’t paying attention because I was in love with this abuser who was very caring and charming and my hero. If you are already in a venerable situation it’s very worse you will fall for everything they lie about giving there life for you. Anyways I was lacking a great mother and was not raised with my father. After I got pregnant of my 1st daughter the abuse started.I was raped and nearly he almost killed me 3xtimes. I was miserable and wanted out. I started going to programs for battered women. I got out having two girls lasted with him 5 years.I went to therapy and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and PTSD. My 2nd partner his behavior was a shock to me I thought I knew the signs but he was very quiet and some of the traits are not listed. My daughters were more grown and just like earlier I read someone saying how there kids love this man and you feel pressure to stay. I did it and I married the abuser who was in the Army. He was worst from the worst I got slammed with verbal and emotional abuse. He hide his finances and cheated very dysfunctional I was embarrassed of myself who I selected as a husband. I finally decided to leave but my daughters are already in there 20s. What I did was passed an abusing chain to my kids and even though he played out in seeking help, he was sneaky and knew when to attack. Please read as much as you can about this I have to live with guilt but today I help women and teach them self esteem is your KEY. I thank my therapist and now I am not interested in another mate. I rather enjoy myself bybloving me. Appreciate and learn it’s never too late. Best of luck to everyone.

    • Don’t be afraid of anyone, Stand up to them, if you think your going to sense abuse, the first time he does it, its for a test. If he sees you too nice he will keep doing it. My fiance kept telling my mom I was too naive and he loved me for it, yea they love it alright but they also can use it against you. God protected me and I left him before marriage. We were not planning children and I was planning to make sure of it That is the last thing I need now in my 40′s. I love kids but I didn’t marry young enough for them. Anyway remember as soon as you sense anyone getting sarcastic even if it doesn’t seem a big deal, just keep staring at him and study him. If you don’t like him, then just break off. For now I’m glad you have self esteem go do something different and occupy yourself with something, go out with freinds and you will see with time you will keep feeling better and better. Keep the faith with God. He will never abuse you, he loves you unconditionally!!!!!!!!! When you fear something just pray inside and walk with your head up high!!!!!!!

    • Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private! says:

      Hi Jenna – it isn’t you. I have been in an abusive relationship for 10 years and am working on getting out of it. In the beginning my husband was lovely, and he was very negative about his ex. He said alot of awful things about her and why she left him.

      Slowly over the years the story turned from how awful she was, to how wonderful she was and comparisons of her and myself. One day (3 years ago) I called her and asked her why she left. I was surprised when she said she had wondered if we were still together and how things were going.

      She left him due to violence, his rages and his controlling behavior (before I told her what had been going on at home). He had told me she left him because she met someone else. i was shocked. I had to sit down. We spoke for almost an hour. I understand the severity of what she had gone through and she had asked me to delete the record of her call from my telephone and to not mention to call to anyone.

      The only person I mentioned it to were the police when I called them a few days later after another vicious attack.

      I stupidly did not press charges or file for divorce then and there. I should have.

      It isn’t you – none of you can make that person in your life (husband/wife/girlfriend/sister/brother/father) shout, hit, control. They chose to do it. No one MAKES them. They could chose to speak gently, listen, respect and foster a human being.

      The sooner you get out the better for you. You don’t owe them anything. Even if you end up with nothing, yes it will be hard, yes it will be difficult, but you will have gained the most important thing back, YOU.

      I am on my way out. Still a long way to go and have to do this so carefully to stay safe.

      All the best every one.

  12. Don Reitmeyer says:

    My Ex wife would take all my belongings from around the house and pack them up when she moved in just to replace it with her things. She often says, “. you’re an embarrassment to the Marine Corps”,and then tell me that, “There’s nothing wrong with your back”….even though I’ve lived with chronic pain for over 20 years. When she moved just before her arrest she stole or damaged things that had alot of sentimental value, or cash value and then said, “You broke/sold that stuff yourself”. She claimed I was costing money with bounced checks and demanded to do the bills, only to learn she did it to steal from me and was spending money like crazy, and bouncing checks far more than I ever did after she insisted I add her name to my checking account and then deposited the Federal Income Tax refund to her private account and make me beg for my half. She caused me Panic Attacks with her behavior and now see the kids have “stomach pain” because they get no affection from her like was the case with me for years. The abuse of the kids is her way to ensure she continues to hurt me since she no longer lives with me.She plays victim but has no record of ever being abused by me and yet my medical record is filled with entries and has every incidence of Domestic violence reported because I had to seek treatment/ even my Psychologist who I saw for chronic pain recognized her dysfunction when I related the things happening at home. I was married 9 years; the abuse lasted for 5-6 years after our son was born in 2005. It was just control and verbal abuse and became physical after I filed for divorce. The police refused to assist me or document the abuse that they were court ordered to protect me from. All the abuse occurred in front of the kids. I never recognized it as abuse until she was out of the house, it had become “normal” to me to be yelled at, lied to and verbally abused while I cared for the kids myself for years almost alone, never getting a break while she stayed up late, slept in and shopped everyday. She fits the Narcissist profile- everyone of the traits and also suffers from OCD.

    • Your wife needs a psychologist and a psychotrist. She is out of line. Gee sometimes we think only men abuse women, but it can be the other way around. Karma will come to her. I hope God helps you and I hope he sends an angel to watch over you.

  13. What about if its another family member who is being abusive and violent, what then? Like adult children in their 30,s and their children who are teenagers…what then? please.

    • If they’re all acting like idiots in your house it is time to make them find their own place. Call the police if you have to. Adult children in their 30′s are capable of making it on their own and they can take their kids with them. Alternatively, you could call child protective services, but in my experience in NC, they did not really want to help me because the girl of concern was already 17. If there are younger teens then perhaps child protective services intervention methods can calm the violence.

    • Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private! says:

      That is just as bad. We had this situation at home with my siblings.

      Calling the police is entirely permissible.

      It is no way to treat a parent, sibling, child or for the elderly to behave.

      And adult child is still an adult. They have no right to abuse you.

      If they are still living at home with you then you are within your rights to ask them to contribute to communal comfort and living. Although it might be difficult, if you do not see that it is possible for them to change, it is actually possible for you to change your life by:

      Sell the house, and move yourself. Let them decide if they want to buy it for the normal amount (if they are adamant this is their home). If you are renting, start finding another place to live. Let the estate agent know that you will leave within 3 months and that they will need to take on the lease.

  14. Amanda Phoenix says:

    I see a lot of my current partner’s abusive behavior on this page. What keeps me from leaving, or from even fully acknowledging the problem, is that I can’t actually imagine someone being so consciously manipulative and cruel. It is difficult for me to believe that such a person could exist. In my more lucid moments, ironically, sometimes staring into his eyes when we’re in bed, I actually get a glimpse of the truth – that this person is trying to destroy me. I guess that’s part of growing up. My father was the same way, but it’s still hard for me to see him as anything but a needy child. I mean, if these people don’t know how else to get their needs met, aren’t they innocent in a way? I guess it doesn’t matter – I keep trying to teach him how to love himself, as I taught myself, but it isn’t sticking, so I need to move on.

    • Amanda, it will help to convince you that it is possible to believe he’s out to get (something) from you if you read a few books. You already intuitively know the truth, but validating your feelings and recognizing all the signs will clarify exactly what you face if you stay.

      The Sociopath Next Door
      Women Who Love Psychopaths
      In Sheep’s Clothing
      The Gift of Fear

      The Gift of Fear is not necessarily a book about sociopaths or disturbed people. However, it will help you get back in touch with any natural and real fear you may need to recognize. Abusers tend to numb us to fear and we therefore forget how dangerous they really are. This book will help to re-awaken an emotion that is valuable. I suspect you will get a lot out of it because your abusers have “numbed” you practically your whole life.

  15. I have a court hearing in 8 days, my husband has been verbally and mentally abusive for years, I was scared and intimidated for to do something about it, he’s always treating me with taking away our son from me (because I don’t have a job and he does and also he’s taking advantage of my foreign status, I don’t have family in USA ) the last disgusting action he did was to bring his gf to our house while my son and I was expending Thanks giving with his family, was so humiliating, painful, disrespectful, selfish, etc, etc, etc I told him I want him out of the house he refused, obv. we had an argument and he left to his gfs house like he has been doing it for the pass 3 months, I’m keeping it very short, he has been done more stuff, he has never put a hand on me, but mentally and verbally he has done a lot, he does not pay attention to our son anymore, He doesn’t even ask for him, when he wants to have the “time for to be a dad” he tooks him out to his dates, actually was my than 4y old son who told me about Karen…… My own son!!

    He has not deposit his check in the account, so I don’t have access to money, I’ll tried to put him a restrained order was denied, so…. …. I never heard or read someone has been arrested for it, you need to have injuries, bruces, cuts, broken bones, black eyes for to been taking seriously?? If Domestic violence include mental and verbal abuse where is the justice for our cases?? I really don’t believe the court hearing will go on my favor, is very discouraging I had some evidence, only God knows if that is going to be enough, it looks like he can do wtv he wants to do to us, trample me, humiliate me and denigrate me and he will get away with it….. I don’t know who I can talk about this in court, how to explain and convince the judge….. Suggestions are welcome!

  16. For a world where most people are trying to be more equitable and gender neutral it is very depressing as a male to have a wife who is the abuser reading predominately quotations which consistently place men as the cause of abuse. Simply changing “he” into “he/she”, “him” into “him/her” or rewording some of the bullet points would made this website more gender friendly and not bring more hurt as a male victim of abuse.

    • MM, I’m sorry you feel out of place. However, I must remind you that women throughout history have been referred to as “mankind” and the general use of the words “he, him, and his” is the preferred pronoun when speaking of both genders. On this site, I prefer to use my experience (with a him) and to allow others to use the pronouns of their choice for simplicity. We women have accepted being “him” for a very long time. I don’t think its too much to ask for my male readers to understand that “he” can also equal “her”.

    • Too scared to put my real name, I hope the address is kept private! says:

      MM – of course women are perpetrators too. I feel for you though. One of my (former) friends ended up abusing her boyfriend. she was beautiful, intelligent, articulate – but in hindsight very very manipulative.

      He was not so educated and was a big burly but very gentle man.

      It was hard for people to take him seriously – he even had someone ask him why he didn’t just put her in her place with one fist to the head…. How could anyone say that? ever? He loved her. But she was manipulative, destroyed his things, scornful and openly said within earshot of him while pretending it was a secret that she was concerned because he was not ‘very smart’.

      They are not together anymore. But he was hurt. Men are somehow expected to ‘defend’ themselves.

      My sister frequently beat up my brother. He was taller than her and much stronger, but he never lifted a finger against her. The last time she tried anything he had his hand on her shoulder holding her at arm’s length as she tried repeatedly to punch and kick at him saying’stop hitting me’. He could have really hurt her and argued it was self defense. Awful.

  17. Anonymous says:

    im in an abusive relationship.. its hard. im afraid i wont survive much longer.. no one cares to help, instead they notice the good things he does.. im so unhappy

    • Please sign up for a mentor from our site! There are people who care to help. Click the link at the top of the page that says “Get Help” and fill in the form. Easy.

      • Ask God for help and contact , and please do not hesitate, you don’t want to be in hell forever. you need to go to paradise and there is a paradise here on earth too so please take Kelllie’s advice and get help!!!!!!

  18. I am a social worker in South Africa and our organisations counsels and shelters women who have been abused. we pblished a book ast year written by women that overcame abuse. everybody is free to download it for free. It can inspire you or someone else you know. There are cultural differences here and there but the main theme is that a lot of women have been able to identify abusers and overcome them.
    Please feel free to copy and paste the link onto your browser and read a story or two.

    http://www.nisaa.org.za/publications/rising-up-moving-on-women-writing-our-lives/#!prettyPhoto

  19. Teresa Apodaca says:

    I was in an abusive relationship. It was so gradual that I got sucked in. I finally escaped him. He was like a bad drug. I wanted out but yet I kept coming back. I was lonely, and he was always ready to “take me back” as though he was doing me a favor! That’s rich! It had gotten to the point that we couldn’t spend a day together without a fight. I had changed. I refused to be his door mat. Almost everything that is listed here is a chapter out of my life. Save for the drug use. He wouldn’t stop abusing drugs. I had no idea at first. Then he sucked me into that too. I’m glad that I got away. With my life intact. I’ve had black eyes severe brain trauma that lasted for months. I couldn’t move without violently vomiting after a severe beating due to the trauma of him beating my head into a concrete floor, then sexually assaulting me. I was all alone in a small town with him. No money and no job. And utterly isolated. Looking back at my history with him I’m very proud of myself. To have overcome that and escaped him I made the right choice

    Now I’m living in a different town and married a great guy. Who isn’t an abuser. And who makes me feel good about me. He knows of my past. And he finds it hard to believe that a strong woman such as myself could’ve fallen into such a bad relationship. It’s not strength nor weakness in us that causes or allows a hazardous relationship. It’s the believing that we have caused his unhappiness in us. Or that he makes us feel as though we deserve this treatment. They whittle away our self-esteem. It’s so gradual that you don’t even realize it until it’s full blown and by that time you are brain washed into doubting yourself. Which leads to your depression.

    Just remember to love yourself. And believe in you. You are worth more than he can appreciate. He doesn’t love you nor does he deserve you. And yes!! There still are some great guys out there! They are just hidden from all the toads in front of them!

    Sincerely,

    Teresa Apodaca-Apa

  20. Filomena Distefano says:

    abuse can be a two way street as you fight to regain your power….the pendulum swings to the far other side before you find the balance…if ever

  21. Hurting and Alone says:

    I have felt like I was “crazy” for years…how can someone who for all purposes appears sweet and gentle, treat me with such animosity and meanness? He thinks that just because he has never hit me, that he is not abusive. Punching holes in walls while my children hide in a room, breaking my pictures on the walls, telling my (not his) teenager that she will never find a husband and that he can’t even look at her face…it’s all like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I have one daughter who will be three years old in March and Im also pregnant and due in March. My boyfriend convinced me into moving in with him this last year November. Lately he has been getting into my face calling me ugly fat cunt threatening to kill me. He had pushed me and even put a knife to my throat in the past. I have pressed charged in the past and got a order of protection bu I thought hechanged and got back with him. I have no money and no where to go what should I do?

    • First, visit and call http://www.thehotline.org to get information about where to go for help in your area. Secondly, tell everyone you know what you’re going through – keep the ones who believe you and don’t say another damn word to the ones who don’t. You need a rough and ready support system now.

      We also have mentors available via email to supplement your support system. Click on the link above that says “Get Help”, fill in the form and send it off. I’ll have you a mentor ASAP.

  23. I’m resolute about leaving my abuser today. Thank you for the final little added impetus I needed to carry this through… I’ll be in a hotel room tonight.
    I just wanted to share an incident with you. A vignette.
    I had brought home a weak little lamb and it wasn’t doing well. But it was surviving. At least breathing, conscious, could sit up etc. and I wanted to bottle feed it back to health. My Dad was staying with us. I went outside to see how the lamb was going, and abuser was there. I told him about wanting to bottle feed it. He picked it up by the back legs and said “I don’t think so” and smashed it’s little head into the fence right in front of me, killing it. The action was about total power and control and complete disregard for my feelings or the lamb’s life. He literally didn’t care, not when it happened, nor afterwards. He was totally matter of fact about it. What made me so angry was that he had no right to take that little lamb’s life… it had been struggling so damn hard and managed to make it through the night alive somehow, so it was a *very* strong little baby. And just like that, it was gone. He couldn’t care less about the effect that had on me. He had “won”. Or how I had to somehow walk back in the house and chat with my Dad as if nothing had happened.
    I have lived through so many similar incidents, but this was the worst. You know, being hit myself wasn’t so bad. The fact that this little lamb had no escape, no option, and that he delighted in hurling it against that fence so cruelly is something that will stay engraved in my brain forever. These people are so genuinely heartless that it beggars belief.
    Thanks for this forum where such stories can be shared. It has really helped me to feel sane again.

    • OMG I would have killed him at that point, I may be naive, I may be sweet but I can turn into a Spartan soldier over night!!!!!!!!!!

    • Michelle, that jerk is deeply troubled and sadistic. I’m glad that you decided to leave him because he’s too dangerous to be trusted. Oh, and when he couldn’t get what he craved from you–utter and complete submission and obedience, then he brutally and sadistically killed that poor, helpless little lamb by brutally throwing it against the fence. he’s evil, sadistic, and malicious…and he should go to jail for that!

    • Anonymous says:

      He is a heartless piece of shit I’m sorry bullying a woman and killing an innocent animal why don’t he try being tough with a man that will beat the shit out of him he gets everything he deserves poor lamb

  24. Brian Davis says:

    Good for you Michelle! I’m sorry for the lamb.
    4.5 yrs ago, I lost my fiance to suicide, and then my father 2 weeks later. A year passes…… I come home from visiting family in North Carolina and enroll in community college. I’m thinking the pieces are starting to fit together again. I see this young woman spin around in public speaking as my name was called during roll call. She seemed to have peered into my soul. I was still extremely vulnerable. She was so nice to me at first. She made me love her. What I see now is I was such an easy target for her. It’s really sick, and it’s not always the guy that’s being a degenerate POS. However, I’m sure that some man, most likely the father or uncle imprinted this behavior in my ex. It’s a vicious cycle and she has carried out 95% of the above mentioned examples. My ex would keep turning the lights on in our room and laugh while i was sleeping even when she knew I had to be up in a couple hours for work. Like twenty times. I should mention that she is a RX drug addict.
    I had asked her during another incident to not smoke in the bedroom. She calmly stood up and headbutted the wall and said, “If you don’t leave me the f*** alone, I’ll call the cops and say you did this.”
    Another time, I left my phone in the truck for fifteen minutes while at the store. Upon returning, there were thirty-some missed calls and accompanied by a dozen evil texts. I made it home and she was destroying my $150.00 gadget of an alarm clock.The reason I went to the store was for her.
    She would steal money from my wallet. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she may say, “I might just f*** some of your friends. What are you gonna do about it?”
    She had grown increasingly disrespectful towards my mother even. Called her a woman’s favorite c word and a bitch, after mom made her supper and shared her wine with her.
    She would tell me that I have a horseface, or say my penis is small. These are just some of the happenings that are currently vivid. That kind of abuse worked and kept me bound in shackles of nonexistent self-worth for almost three years. I am now almost a paralegal. I know I am overcoming milestones and I’m not afraid to talk about it. It’s been three months since I mustered enough strength to peel myself away from her. She is a toxic human being.
    My piece of advice for all of you good intentioned people out there. Stop it before you are the victim, You don’t want to become addicted to abuse and it’s very likely to happen if the abuse does not abruptly cease.

    You have all touched my heart, and I extend a huge thank you for the opportunity of letting me share. Sometimes a person is hated because they are honest, loving, forgiving, and true. This is a sad reality. Everyone has potential. Don’t let anything hold you back.
    KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

    • Similar to you Brian, I was in a very simular place for aprox 7yrs until Around a year ago, when I left my soon to be ex wife. unfortunately for me, she continues to try and control me and to some respects still succeeds, this is due to the continued relationship I have with her due to our child and her other child whom I have brought up since she was a baby. She continues to threaten me with not seeing the children and when I have said I shale go through child support agency’s and what not, says things to make me feel like I don’t love my step child, she also continually makes fun of my body taunting me saying that I was useless in bed etc etc while sending me semi naked pictures of her new boyfriend saying things like he is more a man than ul ever be, makes fun of my new gf and try’s to blackmail me on a regular biases. I should of seen the signs early in the relationship wen she would message me continually or constantly phone me and give me abuse wen out with friends saying things like u better not be speaking to ur friends about our relationship etc etc although not physical to me she would hit things and throw things if she never got what she wanted, don’t get me wrong there were times wen I almost blew at her, but never did. At the end of the relationship I found out throughout the relationship she had cheated on me and she took great pleasure in informing me of this. Now a little stronger, and moved on in a healthy relationship am sometimes deflated and feel depressed because of her actions and all that has happened, I even feel ashamed of myself sometimes because I blame myself for what I let happen.

  25. Trust your intuition You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone, just trust your own inner guidance it knows best Sometimes a relationship with God is all you have when all else fails, God never will And for others who first meet a man like me. Just know a man meaning a real man will not let a good woman walk away…. But a boy will lose his treasured possession because of his ego

  26. confused corinne says:

    I am a 34yr old woman in a relationship with an abuser. My father was emotionally abusive and now recently, my mother has validated all the horrible things my father has said. I guess my real question to point is, how can my family use mental abuse towards me to try and get me to leave my boyfriend? I am so alone in my life right now. I have no contact with my family anymore, and my bf took off across country to work. In a matter of days I lost everything. Also my family called CPS on me to try and my one and only reason for living away from me. I have done nothing wrong as a parent, and even put myself into therapy (over a year ago). Would it be best for me to just cut my ties with everyone and try to move on, or is there a reason people are so cruel to use abuse to get someone to leave an abuser? How is it when my family treats me equally to how my bf does, its only considered abuse from him and no one else?

  27. You make it sound like only men can be abusers….

    • I get this a lot. I always tell the critics that in my experience, my abuser was a male. I write from my experience. Additionally, 85% of reported cases of domestic violence are made BY females. So until the guys start reporting, those statistics cannot change. I truly believe abusers are distributed 50/50 – there are as many female abusers as males.

      • Let’s not forget, OJ Simpson claimed he was the victim of Nicole’s ‘abuse’. Abusers often claim they are the ones being abused, they do this to justify their own abusive behavior.

  28. I was in an abusive relationship, the abuse being mainly emotional. I feel I need to post, as though I left 2 months ago, it affects me.That’s why I came on this site tonight, after a moment of doubting myself. We were together for 13 years, living together for the last 6. The abuse wasn’t really apparent to me until we moved in together, although it took me until 2 years ago to begin to understand what was happening.
    He would tell me I was rubbish and useless, unable to help out with any DIY on the house we bought. He made the decisions, saying it was ‘a man’s job’. He made snide jokes about my appearance, saying I had a bad dress sense (if I look back, he did that from the beginning of the relationship).
    As it escalated, the swear words became worse, more frequent, and the names he called me are totally unrepeatable on here, although several do come under the ‘name calling’ heading at the top of the page!
    A lot of what he did, he would do in so called fun. That way if he upset me he could say he was only joking, and I was over reacting, that he would never hurt me. He would nip me, pinch my skin, squeeze my hands or arms. Never hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to hurt. Then he would say it didn’t hurt, I was making it up.
    He has health issues, and 3 years ago, he had a mini stroke, and his abuse escalated. Not speaking to me, ignoring me, or swearing or shouting at me for no reason. Pretending to hit me, raising his hand, or clenching his fist. Standing on my foot.The foot with arthritis in it, not the healthy foot. He blamed it on his stroke, said he couldn’t help it, didn’t know why he did it. I wanted to believe him!
    He would pretend he was dead if I went to see him in his room( we never shared a bedroom, his idea!). He even did this on the anniversary of my dad’s death! He would tell me he was dying, or had cancer, and I was making him ill.
    He loved to put his hands on my back and push me at the top of the stairs, grabbing me so that I didn’t actually fall. He often put his hands on or even round my throat. Lightly of course, so he could say it was only a joke. He went through a phase of coming toward me with a carving knife outstretched at me.Once he did this with my back turned. I turned round and he was stood there a few feet away with the knife pointing at me.
    Once he put a hot iron very close to my face. I lost the plot, hitting out at him. I hit him on the arm over and over, I had completely lost it. And that is when I thought he was going to punch me. He raised his clenched fist and was so angry at me and I really thought that was it. But no, he walked away, and I ended up saying sorry to him. I was inconsolable for hitting him. I felt awful, so guilty… He never said sorry for scaring me with the iron inches from my face.
    The list goes on of the ‘almost’ hits, and ‘nearly hurt me’s’, or he ‘could have hurt me’, or ‘he just hurt me a little bit, not really, he was only joking’. At least that is what I would tell myself. One time he was prodding me and pretending to poke me in the eyes and I said don’t, and his reply was that he could do what he wanted, including rape me! That will stay with me, even though he didn’t do anything.
    The physical abuse I tried to minimize (and if I’m honest I still do). He never hurt me badly, never really left marks, just tenderness on the skin, a slight redness, that would go away. I would repeat this mantra time after time, trying to believe what I knew was a lie. That he did hurt me. Like the time I had nerve pain for 3 days on my arms were he had squeezed particularly hard one day.
    After visiting my local domestic violence centre and a local charity for abused women, and a year of therapy and cbt, I said I was leaving. He said I must have someone else, that it didn’t make sense( he had made comments before about me having someone else) But when I told him I had been to counselling, and a women’s charity, he said he would stop what he was doing! And he was true to his word. Overnight he stopped all the tricks, the mind games, the threats, everything. From that day last April he no longer did any of the things he used to do. Not even swearing at me, he became nice as pie. Miraculous recovery from something that he said he was unable to control! I stayed with him for a further 7 months while the house was sorted, and moved out at the end of November 2013. All the time doubting myself, after all he had changed, he was nice now, we were getting on better than before!! But I did leave. And I won’t go back.
    I see him sometimes at work, as we work for the same company. He chats nicely to me, doesn’t say he wants me back, just chats as if we are close friends. He never mentions what he did, or what happened. Has never apologized. Almost as if it never happened. And if I see him at work, I fall into the let’s be friends mode too! I chat back, happy that we are finally getting along better! Scary, he still has an affect on me, I suppose I still need his approval, still need him to be nice to me if I see him at work. I even saw him the other day when I was leaving work, and I told him where I was going, just in case he wondered. Perhaps some habits die hard. I still think to myself, oh I’d better get home, otherwise he will wonder where I am.
    On the plus side, I bought loads of different washing powders the other day!! Strange? yes. But he never liked me doing a lot of washing, or having too many baths, putting the heating on etc etc and the freedom of putting the washer on whenever I like, having heating on, well, it’s liberating. And whenever I doubt if I’ve done the right thing, I will remind myself of the little things. Though the bigger things he has left in my memory will take longer to go I fear. But they will go, as will my need for his approval. There is hope! And I will not go back! I am going forwards.
    There is hope!
    Thanks to all who read this, for letting me get out how I am feeling.Sorry it’s a bit long and rambling!

  29. Love your site. Thank you for bringing awareness about abusers. I feel as though we’re all from different walks of life every story sounds so similar to mine, who knows with all the deceit, lies, & secret affairs my ex was capable of some of us could be talking about the same man! I have walked down a very scary road the last 9 years and Im proud to say I am out of the rabbit hole for once and for all.
    My advice to those still involved is to stay strong, continue to educate yourself, see whats real in your inner voice is aware & speaks the truth, you have your own power, and everyone is on their own path. It took me 9 years.. eventually I saw him for who he is & I accepted that as much as I hoped he would change, my love won’t change him and that’s ok. Remember who you are and whether you stay or leave don’t ever allow anyone to degrade your soul. Their behavior is not your fault and you are not crazy, nor are you alone.

    • I am shocked at how quickly he went from my knight in charming armour tto a cold, non-remorseful person who degrades me consistently. Heakes me doubt myself sometimes, twists things to make look like the bad one, cconstantly criricizes me. I began reading up on hos behavior and have no doubt he is a psycopath and i need to get out. He thinks he is so much better than me, but he isn’t. He has no ambitions or goals. I walk on eggshells. Calling him on his actions makes things worse. Whatever he doea or says that is very hurtful to me are according to him a reaction due to my behavior. I made him act this way therefore it is my fault

  30. Okay I’m a guy so might not get a lot of sympathy here. Anyway here’s my story.

    I lived with a lady who incidentally came out of an abusive relationship. After some 3 months things just … changed. She grew insanely jealous and kept picking fights with me even in public or in front of friends. After losing our friends, who wants to visit people who scream at each other right?, the penny finally dropped for me. I took her to a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as bipolar and put her on some pills. Everything went great after that. But he also advised her to confide more in one of her male friends so as not to take out all her frustrations directly on me all the time.

    In the mean time something happened to her ex and suddenly overnight her two small children moved in with us. Long story short I did not gel with this situation. Felt to me as if the children just took my place in her life. I became their cash supplier and that’s it.

    Her friend on the other hand bonded quite well they started spending more and more time together and yes before you know it his wife came to me with proof of their affair.
    after defending her against such allegations from all my other friends for more than a year you can imagine i was devastated.

    They left but of course this guy soon realised the difference between acting nice towards kids to make an impression on mommy and actually providing for them so they didn’t last. Suddenly they had nowhere to go and I helped them out again. Huge mistake on my part yes I know!
    After some months they moved back in with me, it just made economic sense, and we had a fantastic october through december …

    However in January I noticed all the same signs again , this time with one of my younger new friends I made while she was away.

    Determined not to let stuff get out of hand again I pleaded with her to change the way in which she acts towards this guy, she just turned on me as if I started WW3. Exactly the same response as when I confronted her about the previous guy in other words.

    Now she wants to leave me again. We don’t talk at all without it turning into a fight. She calls me names I can’t repeat here. Throws me with stuff, the children picked all this up already they saw how the wind blows so they’re cosy with the suspected new guy but ignores me flat. We don’t talk at all. She sees this and blames me?! What am I supposed to beg her children to acknowledge my existence?

    So this is where we are. I blame the second successive failure of my relationship with the girl I love more than life itself 90% on her children who makes life unbearable for me in my own home, then she reaches out to the first guy who comes along and act as if the children are fine for a couple of hours in front of her. I’m convinced they’re sneaking around behind my back. But he can’t afford to look after them so what’s gonna happen?

    She stays with me in a separate bedroom and continues to live off me, but she treats me like garbage all the time, yesterday even physically assaulting me in front of her 10 year old daughter!
    What to do ??

    • Anonymous, she’s probably telling her boyfriend that you are abusive although she is the one hurting you.

      It takes a while to get to the point where you realize that although you love her, you deserve someone who treats you much better. You’re caught in the cycle of abuse and the cycle brainwashes you into thinking your love is real. It is not.

      All of your observations are true: she is physically violent (physical abuse), takes advantage of your financial situation (financial abuse), attempts to isolate you (first step of any abuse), cheats on you (sexual abuse), blames you for her children’s attitude toward you which you cannot control (emotional abuse), she calls you names (verbal abuse), and I’m sure there is an entire list of other things she’s doing that you didn’t mention.

      I am sorry you find yourself in this relationship. There are several things you can do to loosen the chains that bind you if you are not ready to throw her out on her ass. Last week I wrote a post that fits your situation, and I hope you take the time to read it. It doesn’t matter what your gender is, Anonymous. Anyone who has experienced what you are experiencing will not judge you or feel less empathy for you because you’re a male. Unfortunately, I know the “help services” in your community MAY discriminate against you, but I hope you will reach out and give them a try.

      Here’s the post: http://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/02/leaving-abuse-before-you-go/

  31. I was warned about “baltimore men” as one had put it, but I ignored it. I can’t put all Baltimore, MD men in this category of abusers, but the woman whom warned me about them, is also a victim of abuse within her marriage. I was engaged to a baltimore man, in which his behavior changed one month after engagement. When we would hang out, he’d physically push me, one time, he pushed me so hard I flew back, fell, and hit a wall. Also in conversation, he’d tell me to shut up. He’d also call me a slut out of no where, throw my purse and say things that didn’t make any sense. He once warned me about him having multiple personalities, but I thought he was joking b/c he laughed about it. One last time, out of no where after a track meet, he pushed me down several times as I tried to stand up and get my balance and also put his hands on the collar of my jacket and shook me several times telling me I had a demon..uh huh? Looks like he has hidden issues. Now he is engaged to someone else & we have prayed for her safety and have warned her, but hopefully she doesn’t experience abuse when she gets married to him. #RMWC & #NPBC

  32. I can relate to most of it except iam not recieving any Physical abuse thank God!! My Husband now that I have been Married to for 9 years as of this July,2014 started showing his true colors after 1 yr of Marriage. He has never been physically abusive nor has he raised his hand to me. His is all Verbal. I met him at work and I was Married to someone else at the time and that Marriage was already heading for Divorce due to his Drinking. My first Mistake with my Husband now was opening my Mouth and Confiding in him why my Marriage was failing which he threw in my Face a lot later after 1 yr of Marriage. He would never shut up about it so that is when he started to turn me against him. He would say I know u are still seeing him behind my back or u still love him when All the time I was in love with him. Now, everything has gotten 10 times worse. The following is what he says pretty much everyday, Insults what I say, I will treat u like an adult when u start acting like one, if I don’t like it theres the Door. Right now he is recoverying from a hernia operation and when I try to help him he is saying I can tell u do not like helping me or go away u just do not know or care about helping me, he has been insulting me ever since he came out of recovery. He makes me feel worthless and tell me I don’t know what pain is and he acts like he is the only one that hurts. Blames me for everything that breaks down in the house says Iam the one that broke it He sexually make insults to me and has actually said them and he said in the past few weeks come over here and suck on my C— and I will be sitting in one recliner and he is in another and while I am watching tv he says hey honey look over here and I would and he has his privates hanging out which all of this makes me very ill and he has done this type of thing many times. He even comes up behind me while iam cooking in the kitchen or washing Dishes and will start feeling me up and saying disgusting sexual things that are gross. These sexual things started after the verbal insults started. My son has addictions and all he does is talk bad about my Son Constantley which I mean everyday. and He bad mouths my family which I only have about 4 family members in the area. There is a lot of Issues with my family but they never stop by I go over there. I realize my Family Members have really bad issues but using my family in our arguments which have nothing to do with them is personally abusing me because he blames everything on other people. My husband shows no respect for me and buys me things to make up for it instead of us trying to get help. He has no friends nor does he invite anyone over. there are no cookouts no outings with no one. I have no friends and when I have one he says he does not matter to me all I care about is that one friend. He has said I will get rid of your dogs then and like I said we are married this is his house not mine. threatens to take my cell or take away my vehicle, he punishes me and treats me like iam the Child and he is the parent. He will get me a new computer at Christmas and say to me this is for all the work and taking care of the house all yr, like he is rewarding me for doing what I was told that right there is a parent and child thing. swell if I keep going I can talk forever here , so I better stop here.Please comment and let me know if you are going through some or all of these issues because I believe comparing notes and talking with someone whom is going through the same things gives u answers as well. anniemarie65

  33. I just had this happen recently, and I am the reason. I have never been in any way abusive towards any women or children in my life. My now ex-gf was in a terrible relationship for almost 5 years and has a 2 year old child with this guy. *(She has other children from a previous 13 year marriage) She and I have been compatible in so many ways and expressed our love for each other over the course of the last 5 months. This started as a long distance relationship, but soon materialized into coming up for a week at a time for the last few months up to her and with dreams on both sides of living our lives together. **Disclaimer here I am not trying to self pity or woe is me or ask for forgiveness from the internet here. I’ve expressed this as much as possible to her as well and she knows I am absolutely ashamed of my actions. On our very first week spent together in real life went up and down fast. I stepped in and disciplined her 2 year old (of whom I love very much). I grabbed his arm to raise him up and spank his butt on the diaper. He slipped and i got him on the back instead. It left a mark, and I immediately broke down in tears on the fact that I had done what I did. She and I were able to come to an agreement, on the fact that this wasn’t acceptable. On our third week’s meeting everything was off, we argued non stop. We at one point had come to a reconciliation and she was asking me a question, I answered her 3 times, and each time she got heated more and more as if she didn’t understand me or want to hear me. As we got going further, I had my hand on her shoulder as I had been massaging her arms, and I just squeezed a little bit, it didn’t leave a mark, and it didn’t hurt her physically as much as it snapped her back into the conversation. (that was my intent) never to cause her harm. Needless to say, I took it upon myself to pack my things and sleep on the couch, expecting to leave the next day. I felt terrible for ever letting myself hurt the one I love. We were able to sit down the next day and discuss things. She agreed to let me stay another night, and we had a great day. We talked, we laughed, we cried, and were able to discuss the situation. Everything felt fine, and then I left, we talked for a little bit the night I was driving home, but then the next day, she had her family there, and told me she couldn’t deal with talking to me right now. Let me be clear, I have never, put anyone in a position to feel scared by me, and i’ve never laid a hand on any woman with respect to wishing or expecting physical pain to occur. This is indeed the 1st time I’ve ever even been presented with the notion that I’m abusive. My actions as I have offered to her are inexcusable, I know that. I only have my own past experiences with children that have been in my life, on how they were disciplined by their mothers, and how not stepping in was a sign of inaction. I have no way to contact her other than to pester, and i’ve done all that I can with avoiding contacting her. She did NOT delete me from other various websites we’ve had interactions on, and she has replied back to me once, only to offer that she has forgiven me for my actions, but that she will never forget them. (that is crushing me more than anything now. I don’t expect her to forget, but I do not see how we will ever be together again. I am lost without her, and feel terrible for ever putting her into a situation like this. I sent her a hand written letter today. I told her I would not pester her any further. (I hope I can keep my word on this, but there are too many great memories for me forget her.) I am crushed sitting here writing this and have NO ONE, else to turn to. She suffers from Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD (from previous relationship) – I have since contacted her a few times to express myself. I never called her any bad names, nor physically assaulted her beyond what I described here. I have never done anything but be a gentleman to her and try to gain insight to what she is struggling with. Having this relationship go up ended now, has been really hard to deal with. I’ve tried reaching out to friends and family for advice, but everyone just tells me I’m probably better off, that’s the hardest thing to hear when I know i’m not better off, or others tell me the ways to distract myself involving going out and finding someone new – that is like a stab at my heart, I just told you how much i care for someone and you’re advice is i get out and find someone to take my mind off them. They are hurting too, but I can’t offer support without seeming stalkerish, so now I sit in silence awaiting the day she may let me back into her heart.

    • Anonymous, I don’t know how to help you other than to point out the red flags your ex-girlfriend most likely saw. You are right in believing that any contact not initiated by her will be seen as “stalker-ish”. There is no sense in repeating what your friends said about it being better to move on – that never helps a broken heart. But, if I can help you to move on in a way that will help you, then I hope this information does the trick.

      Your relationship sounds like it was rather a whirlwind. The “last few months” doesn’t give me much to go on, but many people would consider it a short relationship punctuated by feelings of love. As having fallen into this type of affair at least once, I know how good it feels…and how much it hurts in the end. No one can grasp the idea of having a broken heart after such a short time, but I get it. I feel for you.

      As for the first red flag to her, the relationship was a whirlwind. Sigh. As good as it felt, after the other red flags popped up, the short time-frame from meeting you to talking of moving in with you shows a rush to commitment. It moved too far, too fast. This is a hallmark sign of an abusive person showing their desire to get the victim to be theirs (literally, as an object) as quickly as possible. However, as abusive people know others do not like feeling like objects, they pepper the road to commitment with statements of undying love an compassion.

      To a former victim of abuse who has since educated herself on the dynamics of abusive relationships, that was red flag number one.

      Second red flag is the abuse to her child. I know you did it unintentionally, but as your girlfriend could not read your mind, she has no way to be sure it was an accident. That is the red flag in a nutshell: child abuse. Additionally, abuse of animals fits into the same category. A person who will abuse an animal or a child will abuse anyone.

      I’d like to add one piece of advice relating to other people’s children that has nothing to do with abuse. ASK THE MOTHER what your boundaries are with the child. Don’t go on what you’ve seen other mothers do. Each woman parents uniquely, and your “inaction” to one woman became “abuse” to another when you tried to be “active”.

      Third red flag would be the “up and down quickly” emotional charge of your first week living together. You see, an abuser abuses, then apologizes or abuses then blames. I hear you when you said you take full responsibility for your actions, and I am certain your ex heard you too. The problem is that she’s heard that line and dance before AND, again, she cannot read your mind to know if you were telling her the truth or not.

      The fourth red flag is, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, the squeezing of her shoulder. At a different time and situation, she may not have reacted as she did. However, you said the entire week was fitful with the fighting and all. So looking at the squeeze from her perspective, it could have seemed to be a precursor to worse abuse to come. In the future, if an argument begins or does not go how you like, I advise you to keep your hands to yourself at all times. Think about it…if you hadn’t had your hands on her, the emotions would have been the same, but there would have been no squeeze at all. It is just safer to wait for the hug at the end of an argument rather than touch one another during it.

      As you mentioned, her mental conditions do affect her as they would anyone. But none of the conditions she suffers impairs her ability to listen to her intuition. Everything from her past experience screams “run”…and her family visiting and talking with her probably validated her intuition. Intuition is not always right, but because she ignored hers so often with her ex-husband, she is now in the process of sorting out when she’s listening to her fear versus her intuition. This is the unlucky side of things for you, Anonymous. Assuming all you said is true, and I have no reason to doubt you, the simple fact is that you were with her just too soon.

      There is nothing to be done about it. If you violate her boundaries it will only go to prove to her that you are the kind of person she suspects. I am very sorry that you’ve gone through this heartbreak, but as 1 in 3 women you ever meet will have been abused or raped during their lifetime, it is a really good idea to understand the dynamics of abuse so you can be sensitive to the needs of future partners.

  34. My husband is emotionally abusive it’s as if most of the things an abuser says come out of his mouth as if he read this page. It really is unbelievable.
    I know I need to leave but I don’t have enough money but I’m saving and I don’t have any family here. I wonder if that was a reason why he married me because I would be more isolated because I’m from a different country.
    It is sad to know we are not alone but at the same time so alone in our individual situations.
    I’m tierd of going through the same old cycle of abuse, I feel stuck, I feel alone, I’m in disbelief and I just can’t feel good.
    Why are so many people males and females acting this way?
    I hope that you all have better days ahead.
    I want it to be over but at the same time it makes me feel sad and sick.
    I’m worried about his actions when I do finally leave. I’m going to see the psychologist soon hopefully that will help.
    On the plus side it have 2 great kids one day we wil have peace and I hope all of you will too.

  35. I know I’m in a verbally abusive relationship…there’s a scenario happening atm which I was hoping for clarification about. I feel it’s unloving and abusive, but can’t put my finger on it.
    he doesn’t help with any housework (interested to see that one listed above) and I had had enough of picking up his dirty dishes after him. told him that and so I would no longer take them to the sink.but when he does, I will wash them.
    he says I’m being childish and hypocritical (coz I don’t do things he wants me to eg turning lights off) and he doesn’t want me to control him so he will never take them to the sink. says it’s my fault coz of how I went about it.
    so my fault (apparently) that his dishes are piling up on the table. and he will never take them to the sink coz I’m playing a childish game and he doesn’t want to be controlled by me.
    I think it’s my boundary. I won’t pickup after him.
    clarification?

    • When you make a boundary, the first word of advice is to make sure what you SAY you’ll do is what you’re WILLING to do. It seems like you’re good with this. His dishes are piling up, and you’re not touching them.

      Eventually, you’re going to run out of dishes. Pay attention to this and bring home paper plates and whatnot from the store – be prepared. He is the one being childish. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a grown man to take his fricking dishes to the sink.

      Whenever you (the ex-victim) sets a boundary, the abuser is going to say that you are controlling them through your choice. The abuser will do everything you say your man is doing: call you hypocritical, tell you that you’re the abuser, insist that if you had just told him in a different way he’d be cool with it.

      You, on the other hand, are also going to feel “out of place” because setting boundaries is something almost foreign to this relationship. You may be great at boundaries in other relationship, but this one eats thru you and any boundary you once had. It is uncomfortable enforcing boundaries in this relationship even when you follow the first bit of advice (see first paragraph). You have a tendency to second guess yourself because of all the crap you’ve heard your abuser say to and about you. Understand that it is easier and way more comfortable to NOT enforce a boundary than to enforce it, and you’ll be better prepared.

      If this is where you choose to stand your ground, then stand firm. It is NOT abusive to refuse to pick up after anyone.

  36. Anonymous says:

    My marriage is exactly like this except for the sexual part and all my previous relationships were like this as well….Funny thing is I know this, but I’m so used to it that as long as he doesn’t punch me in my face or hurt our children I will stay because its just normal for me.

  37. Anonymous says:

    I am finding out my husband is abusive.I love him, been with him since I was 14 .I’m turning 40 next month.it wasnt allways like this.we grew up together .I thought I knew him.now I’m hurt .we get along ,then he starts with the names or ignores m all together.every problem he has is my fault.he threatens to leave me. He goes a few days loving me .then a few days hating me.he has bought me gifts just to destroy in front of me.he made plans to take me to see my favorite music artist @ at a place I’ve never been .for my birthday last year ,just to get me excited so he could rip the tickets up in my fAce on my b day.we could have plans just to stay home and make love just so he can ruin those plans by sleeping on the couch.he says I dont work as hard as him because I dont make as much.hes taken my self esteem down to 0. When he loves me I try so hard to make him happy .when he hates me I try so hard to make him love me.ive cried so much so many times ive prayed.ive even begged God to end my life.I feal like a failure. I feal unloved. I have no friends and my family have allways gave me that middle child syndrome.I guess maybe in some wAy I feal like someone will hear my cries. I kept journals just to have some way of releasing what’s bottled up inside. But I relize I’m just crying to myself.verbal abuse realy does hurt .I wish that some how I could make my husband know his words and acts are killing my soul.

    • Anonymous, the nature of a controlling person is to kill your soul. I am sorry. Even if he consciously knows what he is doing to you, he’s not going to stop. His goal is to CONTROL you, not to LOVE you.

      At the end, I had to decide if I would stay and allow him to kill me slowly or get the heck out and give living a shot. You don’t get to “make” him understand…you can only choose a solution that saves your soul.

      • Anonymous says:

        That’s exactly what he’s doing to me, he’s killing my soul. I find it so hard to believe that a person could be so cold and cruel. It’s as if i’m waiting for him to “snap out of it” or something. He could be so evil and never apologizes for anything. Standing up for myself made things even worse. It’s like he’s punishing me for calling him on his b.s. He lies so much, even when it’s obvious and there’s proof to the contrary. He twists things around to where he even has me doubt myself. His constant criticism of me is in his eyes a “good thing” because it’s supposed to help me be a better person. What am I doing with this guy? I know I could do so much better, yet here I am still hanging on, waiting for change.

  38. anniemarie65 says:

    My Husband is non physical physical as well; it is all Verbal abuse and he makes verbal threats like the following. There are days that I do not want to go out anywhere or it to eat he will say, we’ll when I get out if work I will go eat dinner by myself. When he goes on break at work he us nice when he comes home he finds something to complain about and his attitude changes and we are fighting. He tells me he was brought up better than me. He always brings family members into our arguments when they having nothing to do with what we are arguing about. Sexual insults me with words that has to do with his private area like this sentence, he says to me: hey honey look over here and he will expose himself and say come over here and such my c___k. He crabs at me from behind and and dry hum Po s me which makes me feel dirty and makes me sick to my stomach he even tells me I do not know nothing about life and corrects me all the time and he says how he is only trying to help me like I am a little child. He never believes a word I say he is a l ways right and that u should listen. He treats me like he us my parent and acts like I am dumb and should gr ow uo. I have been dealing with this for 7 years none stop; we gave been married 8 yrs. I can not stand having relations with him and gave stopped having sex with him entirely. When he touches me now it is like being with a stranger and I Feel Violated When He Does Grab At Me Because Ever Time He Comes Near Me He Sexual Insults me. He has bought me things and it fee K s like he us buying me off after arguments, when h e buys me an electronic later he complains about me using it and he has done to everything he gets me. Why get me anything if he is going to complain about me using I t. Sometimes I feel like he is setting me up so he has an excuse to argue. This is a very unhappy life but I gave no where to go the few family members I have are drug addicts and my mother helps them buy it. My 2 grown children are in their 30 and are addicts. I gave 4 chihuahuas that I can not l eave behind they are my only fruends. I have no where y I g I other than those shelters but I will not leave my dogs that I gave had for 8 yrs and older. I am stuck in this life

  39. My ex was an ex con we met after he had just gotten out of prison serving 10 out of 12 years for aggravated assault. He was very sweet to me when he was angry. But when he got angry he called me names like stupid, retarded and dumb. I told him to stop calling me that because it bothered me but he said you are smart but you always playing dumb so stop acting retarded and I will stop calling you retarded. We fought a lot about everything, about the tv shows I watched he called them stupid and hated the one restaurant I love eating at. He said I had issues that needed to be dealt with because I confided in him about what I went through in my past. When he got angry he will scream at me throw things around my apartment and walk out then tell me I like making him upset on purpose and I’m the reason we fight too much. When we not fighting he is very sweet, he tells me how much he loves me and I’m the reason he is determined not to go back to pprison or get in in trouble. He even took me to go see his family for Christmas and they loved me. A month later we got in a fight he was screaming at me because I ran out of toilet paper I told it’s my apartment and I don’t care about toilet paper because I always have baby wipes he got angry and walked away. After that we fought again because he said if I keep watching gay shows he will break my tv. We fought about just silly things and he ended breaking up with me. He said we fight too much and I don’t compromise so we done and he is seeing other people. It really broke my heart, that after almost 2years he could dump me in such a cold way like I meant nothing to him. He blamed me for all the fights and for the break up so I’m sitting here regretting every decision I made the things I could have changed to make him stay. He won’t talk to me so I stopped calling, after 2years of telling me I’m all he wanted he dumps me, and moved on within a week to someone else and became so cold towards me. I’m so heartbroken, I hope I can get some help here because I no one to talk to.

  40. Anonymous says:

    I find these stories very inspirational, you were all victims of some cruel bastards. the signs you talk about I myself had displayed to some degree never realized that they were abusive. but with counseling i believe i can change these things. Or at the very least find a constructive more productive way of dealing with situations.

  41. I started seeing my ex partner 3 years ago and it wasn’t long that I started noticing quick and severe reactions that left me baffled. There was instant rage if he perceived that I was cheating on him or with other men. He literally went ballistic if I touched another man or laughed while talking. He policed and watched and interrogated me on everything that he felt was a threat to him or a perceived threat. I started thinking it was something I was doing. This went on for a long time and I began to accept his rages as normal. I lived my life on eggshells in fear to anger him or set him off and I knew that didn’t take much. When he would rage he would call me all manner of names. I saw that he was misogynist even though he lusted heavily over women and is a sex addict. Life with him was a roller coaster and he would shame me for wearing anything that he felt had men look at me. He raged against me for months about wearing track pants that showed a camel toe which I had no idea about at the time. He nearly broke up with me over it but instead had to punish me by shaming me and making me feel like I was a whore and unworthy of him. One day he thought I was cheating on him and he went into a psychotic rage and lost it. I was smart enough to take us to a public location because I was terrified to be alone with him. In the middle of the public area with people all around he slapped me and began strangling me. He didn’t remember doing that after. I was stupid enough to take him back and the next 2 years were spent literally being subject to his severe moodiness, emotional dysregulation, rages, inability to communicate without raging, verbal abuse, projection, kitchen sinking, policing, internet stalking, interrogation, criticism, hatred of women, selfishness etc. He would put me on a pedestal one moment and totally destroy me the next and I never knew moment to moment when he would be set off. He would remove his affection from me as a form of punishment if he was mad at me and if I didn’t allow him to have sex with me he would rage. I recall him saying to him once that I was really exhausted and in pain and he became infuriated with me and said all you have to do is spread your legs. Then he tried to make me feel guilty that I was using sex to punish him so in this way he tried twisting it so that I would feel like it was my fault. I also remember one of his rages where he said that he understood why Muslims forced their women to stay home, wear burkas and not be allowed to work, he had issues with men and women being allowed to work together and didn’t trust anything or anyone. He was constantly questioning my motives and trying to see if I was lying to him. I recall also where he was thinking of hiring a gorgeous man to try and tempt me to see if I would pass the test. Sometimes if he was really furious with me he would shame me in public, scold me, speak to me with hostile contempt and disgust making me feel like I was a lying disgusting whore when I am nothing but loyal. He believed that he could take my body when he wanted and that I was and had to be subject to him because he was the man yet at the same time when he was regulated he would act like he was a fair and rational person giving me liberty and freedom and respect. It was a strange contradiction to live in. I don’t think he ever knew real intimacy because he seemed to use my body as a sexual masturbating medium. He spoke about women in a very condescending and derogatory way while thinking that the only woman who was pure is his mother. He felt that way about me only when he was pleased with me or when I did not contradiction him. I found out that he is BPD narcissistic, avoidant and a sex addict with major mother enmeshment. He has been literally waited on by his mother hand and foot to the point where when he rages against her she goes off and makes him his favorite rice pudding. The whole thing is sickening and somehow I thought he was my soul mate. It took me a while to see clearly but the fog is lifting. When I look at him now I see a very ugly and selfish person who is extremely dangerous. He slapped me once, choked me once, shoved me once and punched many tables…….I think it would have been only a matter of time before he would rage physically against me. I recall him saying once why do I need to be in a relationship when I live like a king at home with a mother who does everything for me? All I need women for is for sex and that I can go get when ever I want without hassle or responsibility. I can take what I want when I want to and return to my kingdom. Somehow he thought he was a real catch and that I was the fortunate winner to land him. Abuse is very tricky because it literally seductively twists you up inside it subtly over time and through distortions that are made out to look like it’s your fault. They convince you that you are the one causing them to punish you and to be upset with you. They convince you that somehow it is you that is driving them to their anger and frustration. They want everything from you while doing the very least. It is shocking to me when I actually think that I thought he was my soul mate just because when Mr. Nice came out to play he was amazing. The thing I realized is that Mr. Nice was the mask and Mr. Nightmare was the real occupant.

    • swett girl says:

      wow beautiful writing. you are abeautiful soul. you mirror me except for the abuse but i see the progression ,,,,,,,this man tells me everyday he will beat the fuck out of me and kill me, his verbal and emotional abuse is incredible it made me think i am freggin nuts…i am on the way out….thank you for the confirmation i am not insane:) i love your reply thank you you r a beatiful soul:)

  42. CysalleBird says:

    I have been with my husband since I was 15. I got pregnant with our son at 16. We had our young trials. Everytime I left him he would come crawling back. He even got speeding tickets out looking for me. I shoulda took that as a sign. Now 23, I have a 2 yr old and a one year old also. He was happy when I got preg with the first baby girl. Then got preg two months after the birth of the first girl with the second. About 3 months along, I wanted his help ( he is 26 now) instead he got mad and smacked my tooth out of my mouth. I lied to my parents and they believed me and payed for my dentist work. Since then, there has nothing but abuse for me. It seems like my family ignores it. He works, but wont help out around the house. Wont even bring out the garbage or his plate to the sink.
    I now started taking photographic evidence of the abuse. ( I also did for my tooth). None of my family seems yo care. His mon knows and doesnt care. I feel so alone. I feel like I’m the one whose wrong. I feel helpless. Ive even called the cops and showed them his gun after abuse and they made me leave. Am I crazy? Do I deserve missing teeth, black eyes, busted lips, and to be choked until I pee myself? What do I do?

    • Please get out of that relationship its not worth your life rather u have kids ornot with this man u dont deserve it call the domestic violence hotline pray for god to remove him from your life i will be praying for you also god bless and know your loved by Jesus u are so worth it

  43. Anonymous says:

    I’m a man and I agree with this 100 % my wife and attacked me in the past physically and still abuses me emotionally and verbally now when my daughter was born she moved interstate with the girls we were planning to move but together as a family but one day when I left for work she said she was going straight away it took 4 months before I could pack the house find a new job interstate and get the money and another 3 before I could afford a place where we are now every time I’mhome from work she tells me everything Iis my fault I so 16 hour days for 7 days underground at a time then come home for 7 and do everything I want to leave but she is starting to do it to her 4 yr old now I feel if I go my girls will think I’ve abandoned them as they grow up please help I’m trapped with no friends or family to help I can handle her abuse towards me but when the girls are involved I am starting to worry I’ll do something bad

    • Anonymous, if you do “something bad” you’ll probably never be there for your girls again. “Knowing” you’re about to do something wrong is the best reason to leave. I doubt that the legal defense “Battered Woman Syndrome” will help you if they can prove premeditation. But, I’m no lawyer, so my opinion is just an opinion.

      I know that you feel trapped with no where to go. But you are working. You have money despite what it feels like. You are not as trapped as you feel. Please don’t live with your abuser any longer. Take the money that is yours, grab up your girls and move out. Or find a way to put her out. If the children are not biologically yours, then there are problems with moving out with them…but you can never be their dad in any shape or form if you “do something bad” to their mother.

      • I was married to an abusive man for 12 years. I meditated on how to kill him often. I contemplated many other options, as well. Please get help!!!!!!! Don’t become the bad guy. No matter what she has done, the second YOU do ‘something bad’ she will become a saint and you will go down in history as another abusive (or worse) man. Then what will happen to your girls?

  44. swett girl says:

    hello world. i type this message searching for an answer to what i already know. the man i chose to have children with is a monster. i lived in denial for 6 years, blaming my self, for my promiscuity, maybe if i allowed him to ask me to marry him before i had sex with him like every other women, according to him maybe i would be respected by him? the truth is we all make sexual mistakes that does not mean we are bad people. down the line when i found out during a time when i left him he slept with another women he still to this day blames me. after all the cheating and other women, i lived in denial. oh he just has sex with those women. wow my morals are gone. my highschool self with all her malcom x martin luther king moral standards is gone. who am i. why do i allow someone i love to cross such boundaries i never would allow anyone else to cross? recently i broke up with him after having our third daughter who is now 8 months. i was tired of it all. i was left at the hospital when our daughter was born because he wanted to go home and take a nap? i had to take the public transportation home walking with a newborn infant while people stared at me with open mouths. i broke up with him and dated another abuser for three months and immediately i recognized the abuse and left and where do i choose to g with my three daughters, i had no where to go my family hates me and even if they didnt i am from a home of domestic violence and am still treated like a dumbass who can not do anything right, and am anorexic according to them. so i go back in to the depths of darkness the safe and familiar hell that i know to be real with my ex. but Yahweh my father in heaven pulled me through with his son Yahshua. i see what true love is it is in corinthians forgive the chapter escapes me but i think it is 1 corinthians ch 13 where it says what love is…..and my ex is none of those things…in fact he is the exact spirit paul warns of in 2nd timothy i forget the chapter but he warns how in the end people will be slanderous lovers of themselfs, haters of parents, etc. and i feel after finding my faith my father gave me new eyes becuase everytime i get called a whore and a bitch and get told how much he should beat the fuck out of me and the man i chose to date, etc. meanwhile his facebook is full of countless one night stands while i was away and he was missing his family????? yahweh the father is the true light and he gave his son to save of from this madness. all i need is my saviour yahshua. i cant wait to leave for good this time after the 1000th attempt to understand how much this man never loved me uses me for anything especially a nut as he calls it yet i am still the ugliest bitch he ever met? i have never in my life been so scared yet never have i had so much faith in my father and savior so in the end i thank Yahweh for all things and like i said i cant wait to leave….plan is in motion…more power to you all out there with a huge heart…i love you all and wish we could all hang out…….i cry so much for the victims but we are being refined in to pure gold for something so be happy to be made so strong….i love you all from the bottom of my heart…yah bless………in the name of my savior and king….yahshua

  45. Here is my story I am so confused and need advice badly ,I have been in a physical relationship before which I ended and after that I entered another this time not very physical but very verbal i am 27 and was engaged to him for 6 months before we broke up and was told it was all my fault I have such a hard time moving on and really need advice from someone. So we started our relationship as long distance and flew very frequently to see me almost every 2 weeks 7 hour flight was very kind generous loving ,I was showered with gifts and kindness, I started noticing that every time we are out he drinks way more than others and when he did he became of course very unpredictable flirting with other girls and very touchy with female friends I asked him about it he said he’s just a kind guy it doesn’t mean anything their just friends so I let it go after all he was so in love with me , one night at a company party he noticed that my much older colleague put his hands around me it resulted into a big fight and he nearly attacked him we went home and he yelled at me till morning and called me a slut so much yelling that I said I was sorry just to keep him quiet, we got engaged 2 months after that I think I saw the sign that something wast right but denied it as didn’t wanna believe that yet again I ended up with someone like that ,I was meant to move to him then again at a party I got annoyed at something he did as he was drunk again and he blew at me and called me whatever he could in front of all my friends they of course thought he was insane we went home and he blamed me that I was a childish and shouldn’t be annoyed at his behaviour as he was only having fun and pushed me around the house , I again ignored 1month later we went out again he was drunk and got jealous as we were dancing with my female friends and were drawing attention so he left the party I went home he pushed me around and said I didn’t appreciate anything he did for me and I don’t deserve the ring which he took of my finger by force and punched the wall and pushed me around really scared me I again ignored it after that was a fight everyday on the phone about something stupid telling me I don’t listen and always have to be right ,By that time things were bad but we were engaged and I was in denial so I moved in with him we went to a friends wedding again he got drunk and told everyone how unhappy he was with me called me a bunch of names again at the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back I just couldn’t stand being humiliated anymore it was awful I felt like I had no peace every time it was something I could never do right and whatever he did was cause he was a fun guy according to him and he’s just kind and people love him he was very charming indeed but very manipulative i was always to blame for everything when in truth I would not ever make a public scene and I had called him crazy and mental which I shouldn’t have done but I was always humiliated and afterwards blamed,after the wedding we went home I gave him his ring back he got violent and started hitting me with his fist and kicking me saying I was a ungrateful bitch and I have turned him into a violent mental person and I have made him hate himself ,dragging me on the floor until the neighbours came hearing the screaming , I don’t understand anymore this is my 2and abusive relationship do I have the power to turn someone violent and crazy? Is it me whose doing that?

  46. Anonymous says:

    Unconditional Love doesn’t hurt You..When Hurting some-one mean’s there is no Love?? Think about it? If you would do it to them,, Would they like it?? I think We as Human-Beings don’t like to be Hurt?? Don’t We think So???!!! Please if you are getting Hurt, Make Sure You will Get Help??!! No One Need’s Abuse or take Abuse from no-one or anyone?? Stop Hurtting Your-Self??!!! Please take care and get Help….God Bless You Hurting Soul’s……..

  47. Anonymous says:

    why do you use the word HE as the abuser.

    • Because it’s shorter than writing she. Sorry – that was a smart ass comment. I use HE because the English language somehow appropriated every pronoun to be “he” (masculine) unless talking about one female individual (“she”). As I write in general terms, “he” is the appropriate pronoun.

  48. Anonymous says:

    I’m waiting for my refund and taking every dime and my kids and our dog and running like I’m on fire. It’s rough just going on every day like everything is normal and putting on a huge act to keep him from suspecting. He WILL kill me if he knows or finds me when I leave. I’ve endured A LOT of physical and mental abuse. An example of the insanity..I forgot to order extra onion on his pizza..I got punched super hard in the jaw. I had to go to work with black eyes once and lie about a car wreck for my injuries. My kids have witnessed verbal & physical abuse alike to me from their father. I will seek therapy for them, this is not how normal happy people live or love and I want the very best for them. I often wish something horrible to happen to him. It’s hard going on every day and not exclaiming my hatred for him and just walking out. But he has kept me from working and keeps me isolated. Once I get my tax refund that will get me and my kids and dog the support we need to escape. I consolidate with one person who is very trustworthy and is my emotional rock. I thank god for her. I celebrate being alive and having the courage to put on a face everyday until my nightmare is over. Build yourself up,lose the false sense of fear that person has put in place,stand your ground,make a plan,set it in motion,run,and live life how you were truly meant to. I can’t wait to enjoy the simple things again! To every woman/man out there facing the nightmare I applaud you for surviving, know your self worth..not one person in this world deserves to feel afraid or made to believe they aren’t worth it. You deserve the world, make sure you get it! Let the miserable sacks torture themselves left to their own devices and know they cannot control or hurt you ever again! God bless :D

  49. Anonymous says:

    i need to leave my childs father now he has abused me for 8 years now I am fed up no mum no kids cause of social services so fed up think its time to leave he took my phone

  50. summertime says:

    my boyfriend has been making threats to kill me and its really frightening to be honest. Im not sure what to do whether to goto the police or will this only make things worse, I feel trapped and worried

  51. Yea ive heard all of these but the bank account because he dont have one because he cant get one! Physical emotional verbal abuse hurts no one should have to through

  52. Almost everyone of these examples match the way my husband of 22 years has been towards me. I’m a stay at home mom who ‘couldn’t make it without him’ (or so he says.) It was never like this the first 15. It’s like a light switch went off after that and it has been getting worse and worse. It has gotten physical only once. Once is enough you say? It was two nights before my daughter graduated from high school. I didn’t want to ruin that time for my daughter, so I hid it, like I always do. I take the brunt of everything, fix it, clean it up and make it look like a perfect Suzi homemaker family. It’s not. It’s a glass castle. My family sees it, his brother and sister sees it, but basically everyone else thinks he’s a GOD. Is it bad that I wish he would get picked up for drunk driving just once and loose his medical license? I’m sure that it would be MY fault thou…
    I’m so over this marriage…

  53. Some examples of what the abuser will do (based on my experiences):

    Change the subject quickly when you are trying to communicate to him that he hurt your feelings. “ok yea. sorry bout that. didn’t mean it. Hey, how was work today honey? Hey guess what I did today? etc…”

    Buy things for the household (or for you) and then take them back and leave you for a night or two, so that you’ll be punished (even vital things like maxi pads during your period, or toilet paper).

    Tell you you’re crazy, a psycho, a c**t, a whore, a slut, worthless, and can’t do anything with out him. Your dinner sucked. The bed isn’t made. You’re nothing. Without me, you can’t do anything on your own! etc…

    Talk incessantly about things that make his ego bigger while putting you down in the same sentence (like “I HAVE a GREAT WORK ETHIC. and YOU have none! I MAKE the money. You are NOTHING but a peon at work.”

    Drives drunk with you in the car. And thinks it is funny afterward (no remorse about jeopardizing your safety).

    Disingenuous Apologies after “hurting your feelings”. First, he’ll make fun of you. Insult you. Criticize you. Then, he will say that he’s sorry in a half-witted way (not really meaning it). Often he will be laughing WHILE apologizing, and taking back the apology shortly after. (“Nah, I didn’t do that. stop you’re whining and b**ching. U say I did it, but you actually CAUSED me to do it… so screw you, I’m NOT sorry).

    Can’t take constructive criticism from you (but good at dishing it out to you in a very non-constructive way).

    Destroys your things. Crushes, smashes, throws them away, etc…

    Bangs tables and makes noise, blasts the radio, puts the television at full volume. All scare tactics to make you FEAR him.

    Promises are broken. He says he’ll pick you up (at the doctor, for example)… But if you make him mad (for the slightest slight) he says he’s NOT going to come pick you up (leaving you scared and fearful and without a ride home).

    Says YOU cause me to be mad YOU pushed my buttons. IF you DIDN’T push my buttons, I would not have to get so mad at you. YOU cause my anger at you. YOU are wrong!

    Makes you listen for hours about how BAD, wrong, wrong, wrong, and pitiful and pathetic you are (abusers seem to be in love with using the word PATHETIC on their victim). The abuser does this for so long, that you just want to sleep and get away from it, but you can’t sleep because he makes SURE you WON’T sleep by continuing to KEEP you awake (with bad words, yelling, criticisms, threats, etc…)

    Buys you something, and then later uses that purchase to MAKE you REALIZE that HE bought you something and YOU don’t appreciate it. He’ll use whatever gift he gives you (money, flowers, dinner, a new sweater, whatever…) to CONTROL you in this way. (e.g. “I bought you that sweater ! WHERE do you think it came from? The SKY? I’m the one who SUPPORTS YOU! You wouldn’t HAVE that sweater if it wasn’t for me!).

    Uses Sarcasm when you express your feelings to him. (dismissal of your feelings. denying you the chance to be expressive, open and communicative).

    Won’t talk about what he does wrong (only ONCE in a blue moon, MAYBE when he’s in a good mood, and gives a half-hearted “I’m sorry” to you).
    …BUT he certainly will have a field day talking about what YOU do wrong.

    Tells you your family and friends are idiots, morons, stupid, etc… Everyone you are associated with is an idiot in his eyes.

    Threatens to have sex with another girl. Usually says it vulgarly like “I’m going to F*** the girl at work!” He especially says these things when he can’t have his way sexually with you.
    Or when he feels wronged for something (which is almost daily).

    Purposely takes time out of work (or quit a job), so he can’t contribute to the bills. Pretends he just had a bad week at work, but truly, he knew you needed help with the mortgage, the rent, the cable bill, the phone bill, the car bill, etc… But somehow he just didn’t “make enough money” to HELP OUT.

    Shows you his good side when he wants something from you (sex or money, usually. and sometimes if he needs you to be present at a friends birthday party, or a relative’s holiday event, etc…).

    If you have a college degree (or higher certification in something than he does) and he doesn’t have that same education, he’ll say your degree is worthless. And usually won’t discuss it, acknowledge it, or tell anyone about it. You’ll get NO appreciation if you have more education than an abuser. (BUT – - when he’s MAD AT YOU, suddenly …. YOU HAVE DEGREE and You’re THIS MUCH of an idiot? You should KNOW better, from all that training you’ve had in college).
    (Ok, so first my degree is useless – - – and then it’s helpful? Which is it?)

    Ignores you, or somehow always has SOMETHING to do on the EXACT days that you REALLY need him around because you are not feeling well.

    Laughs at any illness or sickness you have. Ignores it. Belittles it. Uses it against you – - – to call you lazy and make you feel like you’re just ACTING and that you don’t really have an illness. Particularly psychological. But he’ll also use physical illness against you, by making you feel like you USE it as an excuse NOT to work, and NOT to have sex, etc…

    Makes you feel like you should be doing MORE and MORE and MORE for him. While he’s continuing to do LESS and LESS and LESS for you.

    —————————————–

    I’ll stop writing here. There’s so much more to say, but it would end up being a novel. I wrote these things today, to demonstrate what I went through in my abusive relationship. And I hope it’ll help others.

    Thanx.

  54. This crap is why i am widowed and single.

  55. I met a man online in 2012 and I thought he was great . I am 57 and he is 56 He told me all the right things . Somehow deep down I knew something wasn’t right . Eventually he convinced me how much in love we were . I say that as he turned out to be a master munipulater and an even better lier . In time I found out he had spent two years in prison for domestic violence and violations of restraining orders , ran pot houses, shot two people , was convicted of second degree assault for trying to run someone over with his car. He is an alcoholic and very abusive. He had 4 grown children that think of him as dead because of everything he has done to them . He is one of those that can make you believe anything . It wasn’t his fault ,the judge wrongfully convicted him , he didn’t do it etc. He left for about 5 months but never left me alone ..texts ,phone calls , voice mails .. Anyway I believed he had gotten help and would no longer drink and would seek help for his anger and abusiveness. He said he loved me so much he would do anything . I let him come back and on March 22 for six and a half hours I was tortured ,he drank 3 pints of vodka and a bottle of wine in 4 Hours . He hit me ,spit on me ,held a knife to my throat , called me filthy names, said he was going to kill us both that night period. He broke mirrors , dressers,TVs, my mom and dads picture, stabbed my kitchen table and countertops, my phone, cut my bedding up , kicked my walls etc. He broke his own phone so there was no way to call for help . He kept me confined in the bedroom mostly . He threatened family members , judges, his kids and their mothers . He was in a violent rage . He finally laid down and made me take off my clothes and get in bed . He passed out at a little after midnight and I ran for my life . He was arrested that night . Pictures of me and all the damages were taking by the police and they are prosecuting him . I am lucky to be alive . I really don’t know why he didn’t kill me . I don’t understand how someone does that to someone they claim to love . If …or I should say when he gets out I am out of here or he will kill me . Sad because I own my home. Please be careful out there look for the red flags and if there is even one, end it before it gets started. Don’t be naïve or think that if you are a good person you will be good for someone that just needs a good caring loving influence in their life to give them the break they need to change theirs for the better . They can only do that for theirselves . I made a bad mistake and almost died because of it so please please don’t let someone sweet talk you into moving in with you . Keep your distance and do background checks , talk with their family and friends . Never is abuse love . Thanks for reading my story

  56. annette green says:

    I see some sentences that are well to familiar!! Mine Cuts my Family down and My Son. My Family what few I have left have a lot of bad issues going on. I do not need my Husband throwing that up or reminding me of it just to hurt my feelings and he does this when Iam sticking up for myself. when things brake down in the house he blames it on me and tells me ,well if you would be careful more with things they would last. Nothing last forever, everyone knows that but he tells me iam the one that broke it. When I say something he is either tells me I do not know what iam talking about or corrects me and he also tells me to grow up. I turned 49 April,23 and now 1 yr away of being 50. everytime he Corrects me which is about every day for the past 9 yrs and that is about how long we have been married, he says he is only doing things correcting and telling me Iam wrong bewcasue he is trying to make me a better person and teach me. I told him are you ki9dding me, Iam not a child that needs molding and I do not need a Father I need a Husband. He finds things to B–ch about so he can have fun with his Verbal Abuse. Just Yesturday which was May ,5,2014 he and I was watching the landscapes makeover that you can win if they pick you, he said I can do anything these Guys can do and better. I could not believe what I was Hearing!! He talks and Acts like he is a Saint and Iam a Liar and he Constantley feels I need him. HE also told me ther other day that he will stop buying me things I need and that I will be paying rent and the bills along with food since we are only roommates and Iam no long giving him love and Sex . I just can not make love with some one who is a verbal abusive to me and treats me like a child. There is a couple of things he hasw never done and that is lay a hand on me nor has he destroyed my things, he makes Verbal threats like, taking gifts away or make me pay rent and he tells me if I don’t like it get out you know where the Door is!! He also tells me that When I do leave that the neighbor will call him and then he will come home and only let me take clothes with me and that is it and the neighbor is watching which I know is a lot of Crap that is a way of Controlling. My Husband will calls me at breakfast Break and lunch Break without fail every day which he never misses and asked me what Iam doing which he is checking up on me and if I miss the phone ring he will say why didn’t you andwer me? which Iam on the toile3t and Iam not going to jump of the toilet right in the middle of it. He gets mad if I go to the store after he has been home for an hr after work and he says: You had all day to go to the Store, and says Iam meeting up with someone so every time I go anywhere I Have to race there and race back just to prove to him that Iam not cheating. I always have to prove everything I do. He never praises me he just insults me whenever there is an opportunity and this has been going on for years and never changes. Iam sick of being treated like he is the Parent and Iam the child. He constantly and I mean all the time he thinks I need his help to make me a better person, when he needs to except me the way iam. so

  57. How about ignoring you for days and when you try to talk acts like your not their. Or breakin your things to teach you a lesson. Saying you ruin everything. Saying you take the fun out of everything. How about telling you how selfish you are.

  58. Anonymous says:

    I hate my life now because of abuse. I am just waiting to die.

  59. Anonymous says:

    Wow, there’s too many people out there with this problem. Abusers and their spouses.
    I have to say I am just like Amy, my husband though I love him, can be just like Amy’s. What does it take for us to realize they aren’t going to change? Why do we feel like we have to fix things? Why am I always the one to go to him after he was a jerk. Last night we went to Lowes, he was drinking I was driving and because wasn’t drinking with him I was no fun. I was a bitch. Told me off on the way into the store. Doesn’t talk to me all night, (good thing) slams doors, then this morning comes to me like everything is ok? I told him that I didn’t want to come to him, that he needed to put himself in my shoes. Why would I want to come to him after he treated me that way??? So he leaves. Later on in the day I figured I’d better call him and he didn’t answer, two calls I made.
    Perhaps he’s mad still? Who know, who cares. Me, I care. I am sick of him making things out o be my fault and they’re not.
    I’ve learned it’s not who’s right or wrong, it’s abut having self respect.
    I need to have more self respect for me.
    My husband is a drinker and if things aren’t his way he fly’s off the handle.
    I really don’t know why I am still here. He was a jerk to his daughter who now doesn’t speak to him.
    It’s alway’s someone else, he never admits anything is him.
    Why am I still here? Why do I still love him? What am I waiting for? Please someone tell me?

  60. One more for the list – you go out shopping for the day leaving alcoholic bf at home, on returning you are asked ‘who have you been shagging’? So glad I finished with him

  61. this is so my ex. when i broke up with him, he constantly sent me emials, pretended to be someone to tell me he’s dead when in fact he wasn’t, bothered me at work until he got me fired. he set up a page in a porn site with my name and face and posted naked pics beside my face. he’s also used multiple emails, fb accounts and skype on my name.

    now he’s begging to just talk but i can never forget all of those. i just want to move on. i hope he does also

  62. You cannot fix nor change an abuser and once you realize that and get out never look back just move forward and learn from it . To everyone who has been abused and your heart broke in two I am so sorry . It will get better in time . I believe in Karma and they will get what they deserve . Much love and happiness to all the victims of abuse .

  63. Anonymous says:

    My ex controlled me completely, even after he left, by making sure I didn’t have quite enough money to get by. He squirmed every which way to reduce his maintenance payments, saying if I needed help all I had to do was ask!! I actually got so desperate once I did ask- I can still hear the laughter and scorn ringing in my ears now. I had the audacity to return to work and had no money at all for a month. He wouldn’t help at all, but when my tax credits were back-dated 3 months later, he happily took the lions share to help fund his own house. He told me my family were all concerned that I was a ‘mental case’, and my friends ripped me apart whenever they got the chance. He used to visit MY friends on his way home from work, and tell me not to worry because he’d defended me when they tore me apart. He degraded me sexually at every opportunity, telling me I had a problem and I needed to get it sorted because I winced every time he came near me. The truth was he repulsed me so much I couldn’t bear the thought of him anywhere near me. He wasn’t good with ‘no’ though, and even when one night I pretended to be asleep so he’d leave me alone, he didn’t take the hint. I kept thinking ‘he’ll stop in a minute’, but he never did, and at the point where I realised he wasn’t going to stop, I was frozen with fear and disgust. Long after he left he’d just come round late at night and expect to be allowed to stay. Every time I was pleasant, he just assumed we were getting back together, so in the end I had to be brutal and tell him I couldn’t stand him near me. Once he got the message he tried to take my car away, then my house, and we have now been in and out of court for 4 years for him to get more time with the kids. He has them 2-3 days every week, often leaving them with his mother and sister, but the kids are not keen (probably because he constantly shouts at them and is very derogatory about me, and about the church we belong to), which he is now trying to say is down to ‘parental alienation’, with a view to having them removed from my care and placed into his. IF there has been any alienation, he has done it to himself with his erratic behaviour and bad temper- I have done nothing but encourage my kids’ visits with him as I knew they’d have to go there anyway- so I just wanted them to be happy. One of our kids has extreme behavioural problems (a dozen exclusions already and only in year 3), but he insists it’s just me being too soft. Obviously the school and all the clubs they attend are ‘too soft’ too, as none of them can deal with it. He even told the mental health team it’s all fine at his house (the other kids say it’s a nightmare but he just ignores what is happening), and we almost got bumped from the list to see a psychiatrist. Five years after ‘getting out’, there is no let up in his behaviour and I live under the constant threat of court over the kids or the house. He moved in to MY house, bullied me into moving, then intimidated me into not specifying the £150K deposit was all mine. When I finally got rid of him I felt bad about making him homeless, so gave him £5.5K towards the deposit on a place of his own, but he wants another 12.5K or he’ll fight me for half when my youngest is 18. I don’t think it will ever stop, but I can’t even run as my children’s lives are here, as is my job and the rest of our family. I know it’s wrong, and I feel like an epic failure as a Christian, but I do pray for a thunderbolt sometimes!

  64. Natalie says:

    I love my husband with all of my heart. He is abusive. He literally controls everything in my life. I am not allowed to use the light because he likes to sit in the dark. I have a severe, and I mean super severe, mental illness and despite my best efforts he never supports me anymore. He throws it up in my face. He calls me dumb cunt, bitch, whore, fat ass, worthless, useless, every name in the book though he really likes fucktard.

    He literally said when he finally gets a job as he just graduated college, that he is going to separate from me because “he doesn’t have to put up with MY bullshit” which was me saying please ask me to turn off my lamp instead of being sarcastic and saying loudly “Hey! How about that lamp”. He never just asks me to do something. He either tells me, or does it in a very rude and sarcastic manner. I have bills and no job. I can’t leave. WTF do I do? I’ve been isolated from all friends, I have none anymore, and my family. I have NO ONE.

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