I Just Don’t Trust Him

He wants to make sure I'm here when he gets home from deployment - I don't think he wants to be with me, he just doesn't want me running off with his stuff.My husband deployed. Usually, when he’s gone, we hear from him once a week. Even then the conversations are short for various reasons including money, time-sharing with the others, etc. But this time it’s different, and I don’t exactly know how to handle it.

When he left we were going through the nice phase, but I could tell it was for manipulation purposes.

Things between us had gotten so bad in October-December that he HAD to be nice to be sure I’d be here when he got back.

This deployment is much different from the others in which he truly was “away.” This time, he’s using Skype to keep tabs on me. I mean, keep in touch with me. I deleted Skype from my computer so he cannot interrupt me while I’m working. He doesn’t like it.

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excerpt from Kellie Jo Holly's book

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.


  1. Hi Kellie,
    You don’t want to mess up a good thing??? I can not believe what happened to you in December, I wish you would of contacted me since I could of been of some support since I know exactly what your going through. As every book you and I have read, Verbal always turns to violence; now you have experienced it, why are you questioning if it is STILL YOU?? Even though you know from educating yourself that it is HIM, not you.

    I can not tell you what to do, because you have to make that decision for yourself. But in doing so, think of the kids, it doesn’t matter if you tell them that it is not acceptable the way Dad treats you, your actions are what will make the difference in their lives. It’s a mixed signal, but you did stay and they might think its okay to treat a woman like this, or if you have a daughter, by staying you are telling her this is okay to be treated this way by a man, don’t do as I do, but do as I say! It won’t work.

    I had mentioned in my last email that I spoke to Patricia Evans and she told me to have my husband read her latest book “Controlling People”.

    I have read the book and what I have learned I am passing down to you:

    I hope this doesn’t have max character on it, I’m going to test it..to be continued

  2. Okay GOOD!

    Our husbands think backwards (outside in) where and where most of us humans speak naturally which is inside to out. So the bottom line on this situation and all you minute conversations that have turned into arguments with no resolution…there will never be one!! They can’t understand the way we think until they get help and learn how to naturally think; it explains childhood situtations that can lead to this behavior.

    My therapist had said when he says theses of the wall things, come back calmly with “what are you trying to saY” what does that have to do with what were talking about”, or just plain WHAT??? I know most of my husbands communication is so confusing, but his intimidation gets me to stop talking and showing him I’m right and he is wrong, because I know it won’t get me anywhere. So she had said take control of the conversation, by asking him what he means by that statement and it will be in his hands to explain and of course run by his sick mind, and come up with a answer that makes since, or I’ll say it again, what did that have to do with what were talking about? Bottomline, just keep the control of the conversation until he can come up with a explanation that actually is rational!

    Patricia says in her book, to just say “What?” and if he continues to make no since or is irrational continue to say “What?” because if we continue to respond at all (being defensive) we are validating their behavior and letting them keep the control.
    I’ll write more later, my daughter just stopped by!

  3. Hi. I’m new to this site. My husband isn’t the worst person in the world and I’m not perfect. But, he has cheated, lied, is addicted to porn, got me pregnant with our third on purpose and then was going to the bar and talking to a girl when he was supposed to be at work, ETC (and I mean a HUGE ETC). I have forgiven him several times. I have given him whatever sexually he wants (he said the porn and lying would stop if I did that), and I have tried to be perfect for him dispite my absolute broken heart. When I catch him in lies he of coarse denies them. But, he throws these terrible fits, keeps me up until all hours of the morning denying and telling me I’m a bitch and I’m fucking stupid, spitting at me, throwing my things, trying to snatch my phone out of my hands, twisting everything I say around until it doesn’t even closely resemble what I meant, tells me that I’m ruining our marriage, ETC. With the latest lie, he almost raised his hand to me. I woke up this morning to him standing at the foot of my bed just staring at me. I have no idea how long he was there. He pointed his finger at me and said in a very serious tone (as opposed to apologetic or emotional) “don’t divorce me, I’m in love with you”. It was weird and scary. I told him I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he will change. I feel so worn down and tired, like the life is being sucked out of me. His family doesn’t listen to me when I tell them how he treats me. Am *I* the crazy one?? I know none of you know me personally but is this how abuse is?? Am I supposed to feel this way? It’s hard for me to tell which way is up and him and his family make me feel like I’m wrong for wanting a divorce. I guess if someone could just confirm or tell me if this little but of info sounds anything like abuse or if I’m just being dramatic. I could go on and on with worse stories but don’t feel like typing a novel at the moment. Thanks in advance.

    • YOU are NOT the crazy one, EC. He is a crazy-maker. He knows what he is doing and he likes that it makes you stay in your place. He does not sound like the type to change. You are doing the right thing in getting a divorce. Don’t let his threats burden you any more than necessary – take them seriously, get a restraining order if you can, purchase some hornet or pepper spray to keep near your doors and in your purse, and do what you can to feel safer. But then try to focus on moving away from your husband emotionally and physically.

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