The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
It is scarey to know that most of these things under each topic describes man in my home he has been out of prison 3 most and has been so ugly and mean to me and even my mom calling her ugly bitch I could call law but I done been thru this before one time they gave him or bond right after he got to jail him telling then he onibg back but anyway and I have already had to plea to a charge I did not do one thing wrong was told d.a.knew I didn’t do gonna make it least as could I mean really cause any stuff or trouble I ha e gotten myself I to I ha e always admitted to take my medicine but I don’t know what to do with this monster in my home my 14 son can’t stand him I pray every night and write in my journal to God everyday I hope he hears me I don’t even want nothing bad or jail for him but he has and tells me he has done this to whores all his life if one start wanti something from him he move on to another one from a while .. and I don’t even care about that anymore I care because me and my moma do not deserve to be cussed all day everyday it is really unreal and want dare work or even go try get out do anything have any money he better have cigarettes everyday and he don’t even buy food or drink nothing but thinks we are sopposed serve him ……they send Americans over another country cause way females are treated but I’m a female in USA and cannot or scared eveen get law get home out of mine lng a
I just read all signs of abuse & amazed at how many signs i can relate to.
I never realized how abusive he truly is until now!! I wish i was financially secure to leave him!! But im trapped due to $$$$
I don’t even know what to think no more everything I do everything is wrong or iam lying to him if like I know I used to talk with guys during our relationship but iam not the same person but still accusing Me of something I don’t do is like I don’t even open the door you been putting traps on the door but still he thinks iam brings someone else we leave on the very top of the apartment no one can get through the back door or I can throw anything away from long time because he thinks I used it to be ready for someone else or I can’t even take a bath because he thinks iam being clean for some else
This was really helpful. Thank you. I have just gotten out of an abusive relationship. It lasted 6 months and I went back to him 4/5 times in total. He was shy at first which I found endearing and things moved very quickly and at first he treated me like no one else mattered. He made time for me, he made me false promises he was also very manipulative and guilt trip me a lot. He would say that he was going to kill himself before he met me. He was going to kill himself as we broke up and he had nothing left. He would put me down gradually and I didn’t realise until my self worth had plummeted. He wasn’t violent but he played head games. He brought other women into it saying that others out there want him. He made me feel bad for talking to my male friends. He tried to put my job prospective down and spending time together had to be on his terms. He let my daughter down when he promised he would play games with her. He let me down so many times. One morning I remember waking up after he brought a ‘friend’ back who he claimed to be looking after after as she was too drunk to take care of herself and feeling like I had been hit by a train. He would interrupt me, get angry if I stood up for my self so I ended up backing down and being quiet. I felt like I was treading on egg shells. I’m much more jumpy and anxious after my relationship with him, I’m exhausted from being treated so badly. He’s left me many times one time as I wanted to meditate and go to sleep and he wanted sex (which is conveniently the day before he brought his ‘friend home). I feel like I’ve been through a car crash. I’m doubting myself, Ive made so many excuses and put up with so much I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Through a controller at the tv and smashed it but said he would never hurt me. However he said he would never do a lot of things. He argues with my daughter and goes silent in me when I spend time with her instead of him. He is so lovely when we get back together but that didn’t last long this time it’s been a week and it’s all happened again. He changes the subject when I’m trying to get my point across yo confuse me and I wouldn’t of read up on narcissistic abuse and verbal and psychological abuse of this was healthy. He’s flirted with girls in front of me. And then left me when I got upset. He’s never got any money, he’s drug and alcohol dependant at the weekends. He gets in fights with his friends and the way he talks to his mum is apawling. He’ll be so loving when he wants sex and dismissive after. He blames me for his behaviour or worse my daughter and when we are happy he does all he can to sabotage it. He gets annoyed when I but things and he twists what I say and takes it out of context which at first I recognized but I slowly just stayed quiet. He’s got in my face and told me to fuck off before. He’s told me I’m perfect and then when we argue he uses against me. He tells others that I’m nasty or humiliates me in front of people or his friends. He lies constantly and believes his own lies and at first I could catch him out and we could laugh about it as it was little but now if I question it he gets angry and glares at me. I told him his behaviour is abusive he said he’s not the abusive type and it’s my fault I think that. He gaslights me a lot and tells me I’m the problem. He brings his mum into our argument while the doors open to make it look like it’s me. He withholds information and talks mainly about things he’s seen on Facebook. He made a derogatory joke about women the other day and I’ve been here before, his behaviour are parallel to my previous abusive relationships and this time it’s taken me 6 months to see so im recognizing it sooner but im sad for what ive endured. Sometimes it’s hard to see that this person is capable of hurting you so bad as you only see the good in people. I hope everyone finds happiness and I know it’s hard but leaving is the only option for your mental and physical well-being. They won’t change they never do. They will continue to abuse you but you must find self love and ask yourself why you are staying? No one deserves to be abused no matter what excuses you may come up with they are abusive and you don’t need or deserve any of it you are just made to feel like you are and that you can’t do any better but you can. I feel for you all. I was with am abuser for 10 years. I got out and it was very painful but I am so glad that I got out of that and I will be ok again I know I will. Counselling has been a massive help for me so I would urge you to try it. You are not what your abuser makes you believe. You are a wonderful person and it’s them who is the problem not you. Sending compassion to all ❤
My Husband accidentally pocket dials my cell phone & it goes to voicemail for a minute 31 seconds He’s saying I’m coming to fuck & am I your boyfriend and do I get u hot & then chic there says Trav how many of these things u want darlin
He says 6, & yea we are Divorced & his brother calls a gals name out & That chic says let’s go smoke a joint Ill fuck u & him wait a minute where u going And I confront him about what I hear come from his pocketdialed voicemail while at his brothers to my cell phone & he says that never happened Ad I say oh it happened & he starts saying I’m coming for my work clothes & your Psycho