The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I was in a relationship for over 2 years, it was a man that I met online dating in 2017, we met and we enjoyed each other company, after 1 month I feel pregnant, I refused to have an abortion pressurized by him as I am a single mother and know what is to have a baby, finally he came to accept that I was pregnant, From the 2 month of my pregnancy everything was okay until on a Friday he picked me up and we went to club, firstly I was miserable as I nauseous and I was irritated because I drank orange juice while he and his friend drank alcohol, after we left the club he gave his friend a lift in his van so I sat between him and the friend, He openly commented that the friend and I can get a room together because I am slut. I was embarrassed of this behavior as my ex never spoken to me in that manner. This escalated he told me that I smell like a prostitute, he said that I was desperate for men, he accused me of sleeping around, he made me feel like crap for the period of been pregnant, he pushed to stage that I had a miscarriage due to stress from him and work. I was constantly in problems at work, I was not concentrating on my job, the accusations of me cheating on him became worst, if I was late from work he said I sleeping with a man in the parking lot, I was afraid to speak to my man work colleagues, he called me over and over to find out where I am, he lowered in front of parents and my 10 year old son. In 2018 from Jan to June he still continued with the questioning, accusations, it got bad i started to hit him back and threaten to end my life if he don’t stop this. In July 2018, we met in the accident, he was driving, it was his birthday so he was celebrating, he drank vodka, he started fighting with the waiters at the place, he was aggressive and we put out, I drove us out, he insisted that he wants to drive, so been the people pleasure I gave him the car, I woke up in hospital with a fractured neck and collar bone, he was in a comma for 3 days but he tells everybody it was for a month. According to him was not as bad as him and i could have come see in the hospital, I was in neck brace and my hand in a sling. His family begged me to look after him when I barely could wipe my own butt. He said he was not driving as he would not make an accident like this as he is not clumsy. So I missed him as we were not in communication for a about 2 months, he came to my house with his mother promising to change his behavior and go for counselling, my parents were against this as they experienced first-hand how abusive he can get with me by throwing his food and insulting me and accusing me of sleeping with men, he used the fact that I do not have a car against me as I needed transport, so I took him back, he was not abusive for a whole month until he flipped again with his verbal accusations towards me, he said I was looking at men at the grocery store, he accused staring a some guy. Once I was the ATM to withdraw some money, I asked this guy if he using the ATM machine, so I didn’t want us bother to get in the booth together than that would be a problem, after got to the car, he said that my p***y was getting wet for that guy, he started slapping me several times. I should not tell my family as he will hit my brother. Than once we were at the Community pools, I was with my son in the water, he than accused me later on for lusting over this man body. He commented that this guy want not even looking at me. When I call him from work, he will ask me who is with me as he can hear someone, I will be alone in my office. Than he started coming in my office and spending the entire day while my clients must wait for him. My boss has asked him not come to her branch anymore as she says that he doe-snot respect them .We only must have sex when he is in the mood, I always must give him a Blow Job before sex but he does not have any foreplay or oral sex with me if I’m lucky he fondly my VAG , he loves watching porn which he denies doing but the proof of the browsers is there, the porn he normally watches Mother fking son, once I went out with son and my family, which he told me I should go, everything was fine, I got home we ate, we slept, at work I got an email as I got his Gmail account on my phone as wanted like that, the email is an adult chat, I called him ask him, he denies it and say he only clicked yes to everything so he can get out of that pop up site. I went through it , he did say hi to a woman. Another incident he send a picture of his penis , he claims it’s to his best friend as man always like to compare each other’s penis. Work functions is a nightmare for me as he starts from the time he knows that I have a work function. The accusations & verbal abuse start, he accuses me of sleeping with everyone and then he starts to get violent and aggressive, he starts to slap me around as he wants me to admit that I cheated, I just got fed-up, my last function he gave me a lift to my office as we all we going with a company cars to the venue, he was angry as he was day off from work and he wanted to take me, I finally convinced him that all the staff had to go with the company cars which he bought, as I was afraid that my work colleagues would get me in trouble by speaking to me, so as always I continued calling him to tell him when I reached the venue, what we doing, what i was going to eat, than he called me I didn’t hear my phone, so I called him back after 15 mins, he was furious accusing me of entertaining the men with my p***s, I am making him a stupid. Previous day he verbal abused me and slap me several times around as he wants me to admit that I busy with a man in the morning when I attended a work meeting. I looked at all the women in my team how happy they were, how nicely they were dressed, there hair done up, they had makeup, I was stop wearing make-up, I stop doing hair, I stop dressing up as per him I was dressing for another man, or I was going to get my p***y massaged and stretched, to avoid problems I started compiling to his sick rules and that is when I made up my mind to leave. He once even wanted to see my pad as I was on my period he did not believe I was .After function I told him not pick me up at my work place but he refused and he said Bitch I am waiting for you to teach you a good lesson, no all my colleagues came with the company cars so I asked one of them if they could leave at the mall so that I arranged for my father to pick me up. I knew in my heart it was long time over and I knew there was no turning back once I informed my family, i just wanted peace of mind and to be myself. My bf started calling me and messaging me I just ignored my phone, I was tired of this abuse , I dealt with it for 2 years, I lost my car, I got myself in financial debt which he promised to help me with, which he never, it was talk for that hour and forgotten. I had to prove every day I was decent and faithful because of his craziness and doubt.
So I had asked my mother to ask him to leave the outhouse where we stayed together, I have also given money for petrol so that he can just leave me alone.
Now he says to me that he is going for help to control his anger and will I give 2 months and wait for him, I said No I cant do that , he got furious and started swearing me and my family.
We not together for almost a 3 weeks, he now constantly calling me with a private number , calling my house, whatsapp msgs to me, he says that I should have told him that I had another man , I did tell I got nobody, I don’t want to be with him as he is controlling and abusive but he still thinks I got another man, he now wants me to admit that I have another man in my life so that he can move on, that is nonsense, I got nobody in my life, there is no man, he saying that he will show me what he does to me for lying and throwing a 2 year relation away, If I wanted another man I should have just told him.
I don’t what to do should I take up a restraining order will it be able to help me, is my life in danger, he speaks nicely than gets aggressive..did I make him like that
Wow my husband does almost all these things on here besides the physical part that only comes out every once on a while, sad thing is we have been together almost 10 years and the first part of the relationship besides the last 2 years he was the best husband you could ever ask for almost perfect then after the use of drugs over a little time he turned into a different person kinda scary really…I still keep thinking he’s gonna change but I’m starting to wonder because all it keeps doing is getting worse ….the only thing still good in our relationship is sex it’s so weird..
All of this is my life . He is influential hard to beat in court . Takes our daughter away. Just moved us to another state , with holding money . Threatens me everyday. Took the plates off the car. I have had broken ribs, broken foot, black eyes, tried to strangle me.
I am not in a abusive reaktionship I don’t know I have this phone that I got on dec7 and mom got it for me for Christmas it has constantly messed up and hardly have control over anything the phone does. I think different ppl are using my phone uploading different things to the phone and intercepting messages and what else I don’t know because of inexperienced in technology everybody that I asked calls me crazy or something I know I am not please get back with me
This has been my life for 6 years but i endured it so i can be with my kids. I took beatings with a smile so it can look like grown up play. Got whipped like a slave , been put down spit at shamed in public places became dragged to the other side of the country away from my family and left homeless without my children. I got up built my self a home for my kids and before i knew it she came back took the kids and 4 months later filed for domestic violence against me. This person has no heart or shame or care for the children and the only thing im scared for is my kids. They shouldn’t be punish because of her hate towards me. I have no help and shes a lying evil person.