The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
They buy you things then talk down to you and makes me feel infieror and when you tell them they claim to spoil you and tell you how lucky you are. Like it is an exscuse to tell you how you allways screw up and even called you stupid and comand you to do something thing not asking or just telling you that you are going to do something bosses you around gets huffy off little things little mess up and raised voices at you gets an attitude makes you walk on egg shells because you are afraid of messing up
Claims you are the house bitch
This is my husband and while i love and worry about him i resent him all the same because i feel like he has broke me down and What little self esteem i had is fine and pwhepn i try talking to him he says he tell me these things because He lives me and knows i can do better and this pissed me off i feel like i have to live up to his standards i told him he said no society. I said to stop jumping on me for every little things that any little mess up he calls me out and gets huffy up set he has even snacked things from me when I wasn’t doing domthing right like opening a hat for example
In told him I would try and improve my self of he did he said I’m dam lucky i get what ever i want i sdid most things you get i don’t even ask for and really i usually just ask for soda or tea. He works I’m innetween jobs.
He blows off any thing i try to tell him when he said that i told him this is why I shut off from him because He doesn’t listen or makes fun of me or my feelings or what ever I like .
He did it all..now im safe..
My boyfriend is an abuser, I know this. But he says I’m the abusive one. Recently, I was upset with him & he was ignoring me while I was trying to talk about the problem. I was crying, he was on his phone ignoring me. I threw a water cup at a wall nowhere near him but I know I shouldn’t have done that. He used this as a catalyst to man handle me. He grabbed me by the face hard & smooshed it. Then he grabbed me to take me to the bedroom. I tried to run out of the house, I fought to escape the hardest I ever have. Never touched him just tried to grab onto walls as I was being dragged thru the hallway.
I can’t remember how it ended but I don’t think he choked me this time, he usually does.
I ended up with 18 bruises. A full handprint on my calf where he grabbed me. The biggest bruise on my thigh.
He doesn’t feel bad, I get no sympathy and am embarrassed and sad by the bruises I have to live with.
If I never threw the water cup it wouldn’t have escalated so I feel partly responsible. I wish he loved me. I wish I was rich so I could support myself. I wish my dad stayed in my life so I had a protector.
On Sept.24th 2018. Enough was enough. Married just under 3 yrs. Took from one state to another do to his job. Always told how bad my family is and the bad things (his opinion) that my family did. I have older children. I’m in my 50s, I’ve had back surgery, so I have money from ssi coming in every month. His job is in concrete, so the state we are in now is seasonal. We have only been here a yr. He had almost 7 months off work with no savings in the bank so I took out my retirement early to support us this winter. When he went back to work, it was 2 days with this company one day with that company. He would get in an argument with a foreman and walk off the job. Every time he started with another company. In the mean time I’m supporting us. He wanted nothing to do with the finances at all. He would not talk abut them with me. I was paying bank fees of up 18 times a month at 36 dollars a pop. While he sat back drank his alcohol and verbal and physically pushed me around. Mind you I have a physical disability. He called me names, accused me of giving neighbors bjs. And having affairs with every male neighbor we have. Weather they are in there late 20s to 70s. He wanted total control. In early August he got mad jumped off the couch and grabbed my shirt at chest like he was fighting a man. I told him you ever touch me like that again you are going to jail. So on Sept. 24th. He is pissed off because he bought alcohol after telling me no alcohol this weekend. So I told him I dumped it out. He went into a rage. My daughter lives with us. She is 22 yrs old. He starts air punching behind her back, like he is going to hit her. I tell him to stop. He then starts air punching at me. While he is still in a rage cussing me out. I was eating a plate of food. He goes to through it at me. I get up grab my phone and call 911. He then tells me if I call 911 it’s the last thing I will ever do. He realized I was talking to them. He gets in our truck drunk and leaves.I tell the 911 operator he is drunk and driving they get my location and send 2 officers. I knew they were not going to look for him or the truck. But the officers did give me options. Like a shelter, or who to see for a protective order. ( I’m not stupid to that piece of paper) it was never served on him as of yet and the sherif that has it never even looked at the hotel I put on the paperwork. I went to the court hearing. They told me he has not been located as of yet. I let the judge know that the sherif didn’t even go to the location I put on the paper. I was told they would put it in the paper and the order would be served that way. Not as of yet has it even hit the paper and if he is to return to the home have a plan to get him served. Mean while I watch my back every place, even the grocery store. I’m not going to let him back in, and I will not hesitate to call on him again. He is already on meds and has been in trouble in the past 10 yrs with the law. But I was stupid to believe that a 62 yr old man had changed for the better. I have done some reading on mental illness and I believe he is a sociopath and sycopath. He manipulates anyone who will let him and his meds do not help him. Maybe wrong meds. Who knows. What I know is, I’ve had it with his attitude behavior and abuse. We all have a breaking point. To all keep your self safe No Matter What. And it’s to bad our law enforcement can not do more to protect us from the abuse once we do call. It’s discuraging to know you have to go through even more paperwork , more court appearances for a newspaper post and for more chance for him to come in and abuse me more while I’m sleeping or something. I’m not ever going back to this situation. I’m way better than that to be abused by anyone. There is no excuse to put your hands on anyone for any reason. Oh by the way this man has gone to extremes at times in our marriage by slapping himself and telling me he would call the police and tell them I did it. He has threatened to kill himself and before this day he talked about death almost daily. (His death) Alcohol and his meds do not mix. Getting on with my life is going to be hard but what happens, happens. I mean he cleared out our acct and closed them but I’m sure I will be late on the rent and it s just going to have to be this way for awhile. Until all is in a court order. I do still have a little hope that the courts will help with finding him to serve him. (He is on our lease) he has just as much right as I do to be here. It’s the law, so they tell me. My daughter just told me. Mom we are going to home alone this house for awhile. No more is no more…this is not love it’s control issues. Sorry so long but I do want others to know you have choices to get out. It is against the law to touch someone to physically harm them. You just have to call and get help it is out there and it does seem like they are not helping. But just keep going forward with it. You have to for you..
So emotional right now that I had not realized there was so many things that went on.