The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
My mother was in an abusive relationship. I was around about four or five. She thought she met the perfect man. She came home to me and told me how she loved this man. I knew my mom and dad didn’t want to be together. I was happy and I would ask if I could meet him. The day came when my mom thought it was time and she was pregnant with my little sister.
First it started with little comments like, ‘I bet that baby isn’t mine,’ or, ‘did he know that his dad didn’t even want him.’ That hurt. Soon it became more abusive with him putting his hands on my mother in front of me or kicking her stomach. She was only one month pregnant. He would pin her in front of me and push her down the basement steps. I would get pushed or kicked. After my sister was born my mom started to realise that my sister had problems. She was dead when she was first born. When my sister because one it was hard because by then a baby would have learnt to walk or at least talk. My sister couldn’t walk. She didn’t speak and if she was hungry, needed her nappy changed or was frustrated she would cry. That gave him another reason to say my sister is not his. He would call my sister retarded. Then he and my mom got into more arguments. One day he threatened to take my sister and me away. My mother yelled over my dead body and she put my sister in a buggy and I got my coat on. She said she was calling a cab to pick us up. He told my mom she was lying. But a cab took us home and she told me to never mention it to my dad. One day I spent the day with him because my mom took my sister up the hospital I ended up getting punched in the nose and it was bleeding. I stayed in the bathroom the rest of the day trying to stop it. Soon he demanded I stop seeing my biological dad and my mom cut my time with my dad in fear. After awhile of the abuse me and my mom was getting I made up a lie. One day when I got back from holiday I told him my mom had cheated. He yelled at my mom in front of my family and my dad. My grandmother shouted at me saying was it true I told him that. I cried and said no and my grandmother yelled at him saying thanks a lot you made my grandchild cry. He screamed saying he was going and took my sister. He then text my uncle saying he was at the edge of a lake in the park with a my sister. My uncle ran and got her. She was in the park alone and that was the last I seen of him for two years. My mom got full custody of my sister and a restraining order. His mother tried to demand to see my sister. My mother said no and I’ve only seen him in the mall or food court. My mom says she thanks me to this day for helping her out. I’m just glad her and my dad got back together and their anniversary is coming up. Today I like to help people in abusive situations. But I kinda don’t remember a lot of the abuse because I try and block it out my mind because if I get a flash back it sets off my anxiety.
I have not experienced everything on the list above but in the last 6 years since I have been with my husband I have endured physical and emotional abuse and manipulation. If everything goes as planned I will be free from him in the next few months. We have three children together though so I will always have to deal with him to some degree.
Mine threatens to kill my family if I try to leave. He threatens to physically harm our children if I don’t get them under control. He claims I cause the upsets in our marriage by being stupid and never listening to his “simple”, never ending, arbitrary demands. Like 3 days ago I went to the store for a quick errand. He was asleep but it was after noon. He said it was inconsiderate fo me to wake him. So yesterday I ran to the store for about 30 minutes and I left a note on the fridge in case he woke up. It was 3 pm and the kids were napping. When I came home he yelled at me for not waking him up! I can’t win. But that’s the point of it- he wins, gains more control, releases some anger and I feel confused and abused.
He breaks things that belong to me, threatens to leave me and accuses me of infidelity constantly. Then he accuses me of being abusive and controlling!
He says if I only listened to him and did all that he says that he would be calm and respectful. Of course it never happens. I’m always the one in trouble over things he does, or the children do. Everything is my responsibility- our relationship, his needs, the kids, the family pet, even his treatment of me and the kids. If there is a problem I have to fix it. If he is angry it’s my responsibility to make up for it and apologise.
If sex becomes an ugly user situation and I refuse to participate, I am trying to control him and use sex as a weapon. In his mind, I am here to serve him and only him. I have no needs of my own.
He keeps me pregnant by refusing to use or allow me to use contraceptives. Then he acts like he hates the inconvenience of being a parent. He told me last night that he would throw our daughter across the room if I didn’t get a handle on her and keep her out of trouble. (She spilled water on the floor.)
When I told him I couldn’t allow that he responded with, “then you had better do something about it before I do.”
He never has hit me or the kids but he tells me he will if I don’t get in line. Says he will bury me in a shallow grave and take the kids and disappear.
He also keeps the bank account in his name only because “you can’t be trusted”. He thinks I will leave if I have money. He’s damn right!!!
Thank you for this article you’ve hit it right on. It’s unfortunate that there are just mean people out there but even worse how some people allow for the abuse to continue since it’s so hard to leave these relationships. I was in a relationship with a man who I had children with & we stopped talking for years. He contacted me after so long acting like he was a changed man but deceived me once again. Slowly the abuse came back first verbally, then mentally/emotionally & to the extreme of physically abusing me again to the point that he fractured my foot. I started to research info on why men/ women do these types of things & came across this article, so again thanks for shining the light in my dark times. I have since realized that he is not worthy of me 🙂
While traits are often similar, each ASPD is different in many ways. From how their tactics manifest to the level of prowess they’ve attained in using their tactics.
Someome close to me gave me.some pf the best advice. Mine.happens to make it his practice to sneak into everyones personal business. He believes hes entitled to know everything abt everyone he knows or knows of. When i first met him .. ill nvr forget this .. he went on the internet to get my boss’ home address, and went on to find out how much my gf & her husbands house was worth by looking up their property taxes on the county assessors site. He also looked up my mom. Informed me that she hadn’t paid her HOA dues and more. When confronted his response is “its public information.” Maybe but that doesn’t make it ok. It makes.it creepy as F. His ex wife made the mistake of leaving her cell phone at the house. I saw it and said “Julie left her phone here. Want me to call her to let her know?” “No ill take care of it.” Hours later I find him STILL combing thru every part of her phone. I tell him that what he’s doing is wrong. He teller.to.Mind my.own.F’ing business. Another time his.friend.since.childhood used his.comp.to check his.gmail. he.made.the.mistake of not.logging off. Rather than.just.log.his.friend.off he.proceeds to.spend.hrs reading every email ever sent and received. Based on his snopping habits the advice given toe was to leave occasional notes.laying around .. a random phone #, a fake name, a city, a company name. Let him.waste his time trying to figure out what you’re.up to, whether.you’re preparing to leave them, where u might be going to work or what city you could be moving to. Chances are he won’t ask.you bc then he’ll.know that you know he was up inm your business.
Please excuse any typos I’m.on.my.phone